Suspense and Resolution

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgeniusNOSPUM.com>
Date: Tue, Jun 8, 2004

Paranoid? Me?

So on Saturday I walk down to the P.O. with my Santa Claus sack of
outgoing mail and my little backpack for carrying back any incoming
mail, CD blanks or coffee that I might pick up. I'm all UNSUSPECTING,
because I got my crashed hard drive situation back to normal, and I can
almost resume life as I knew it. Because of the devival and the
hardware problems, I had not "checked the snares" -- hit the P.O. -- in
some time, and I figured there were probably goodies in there by now, a
couple of Onions and some bills if nothing else.

I ain't been home to hit my PO Box in about uh ninety-nine and one half
days.

Wait a minute something's wrong.
The key won't unlock this door.
I said, wait a minute something's wrong, something's WRONG baby.
Lord have mercy, this key won't unlock this door.

Lord I've got a bad bad feeling...
that my mail...
don't live here no more.

((break for soulful solo))

I tried ALL the keys. (I still have the previous Cleveland key AND,
believe it or not, for Power Shell Time Code reasons, I still to this
day carry the key for 140306 at the Dallas PO on my chain. (We still
own that box.)

But "my sword was blunted." I was "IMPOTENT"... my tool could not
breach "Bob's" tight, tight PO Box hole.

It was after hours, so there wasn't anything I could do... except
FRET. And boy howdy did I, on my way home. For I could REMEMBER paying
the box rent bill. So why would they lock me out? BECAUSE, PERHAPS,
SOMETHING EVIL HAD ARRIVED FOR THAT BOX, AND THEY WANT TO "TALK TO ME
ABOUT IT"??

I get death threats in the email all the time, big whoop, but what if
one of those fucks decided to send a, I dunno, a box of dog shit, or
something that smelled like terrorism. I'd have to WASTE A BUNCH OF
TIME explaining the same old routine to some AUTHORITY. ("Officer, have
you ever heard of MAD Magazine?") Hell, back in the day, my FRIENDS
used to send me stuff designed to make me paranoid. Once Vreedeez
mailed me a LEAKY OLD TORN MANILLA ENVELOPE filled with LOOSE DIRT-WEED
SHAKE (intermixed with tiny chips of film negative, so that I couldn't
actually SMOKE it even if I was that desparate)... so that the
pernicious weed was TRICKLING OUT THE SIDES as the mailman put it in my
home mailbox...JUST BECAUSE IT WAS FUNNY... that was in 1980 though,
before Smell-o-vision.

And you always heard stories about how fans would send Alice Cooper
vials of their sperm and stuff like that. We USED to get packages along
those lines ourselves. Jesus and Magdalen probably still do, but don't
even bother to mention them to me anymore. We were so famous at the
Dallas PO that packages would get to us with ONLY the name "BOB" as an
address! Email has changed things, so that now the jealous crazies put
me on e-spam lists instead of direct mail lists.

Probably everybody who works at that shopping center has a nickname for
me by now, "Stumpy," or something, a cute nickname I hope. The
Cleveland Heights postal employees know me as that nice old spaced out
hippie Mr. Smith who wears the hat and the backpack and looks like a
homeless guy but at least has the ability to weigh and stamp his own
stuff, whatever the hell it is, probably pornography sold through
E-bay, who gives a shit, at least he doesn't wait hatefully in that
long line just to buy ONE 37 cent stamp and then glare hatefully at us
like the long line of other idiots who can't put change into the
machine and get a stamp that way, or use the free scales and charts,
etc. etc. I would just as soon NOT have them know me any better simply
because then the nice ones will want to JOSH and BANTER with me more,
or the mean ones will sneer more, and I really am in a hurry, plus,
what if some IDIOT mailed me a CHUNK OF HASH or something?? That's the
other fear. That some mushroom head will think he's doing me a big
favor by making sure I get a chance to change my life to what he thinks
it should be, by trying the latest designer drug.

So was I FAIRLY PARANOID, walking home, with all my Worst-Case engines
cranking away at full-fret. WHY DOES THE POST OFFICE WANT TO TALK TO
ME??

I must not have been THAT paranoid, though, because I promptly forgot
all about it, until I got to the PO again yesterday and again couldn't
open the box. (I've had other things on my mind.)

So this morning I called them. Turns out I remember paying the
PREVIOUS bill. Two weeks ago, they put the new bill in my box. I
haven't BEEN to the box since then, so I didn't get, or pay, that bill,
so, they locked the box, so I couldn't get mail until I'd paid my bill.
However the hell I was supposed to GET the bill.

The old P.O. gal on the phone thought that was pretty funny, too. She
said she'd take the "plug" out and I could get my mail and -- get this
-- she said I should not just put my $68 box rent check IN the box, my
PO box, but that I should THROW IT THROUGH THE OPEN BACK END like a
paper airplane so that it goes through to that back-room and FALLS ON
THE FLOOR, where she will find it. That's where I was told to leave my
check. ON THE FLOOR WHEREVER IT LANDS, BEHIND MY PO BOX HOLE.

Remember, kids, a SubGenius Foundation P.O. Box is one of "Bob's"
"HOLES." You can be cool like a homo, and FUCK "BOB'S" HOLE by putting
YOUR MONEY ("penis") into that hole. "DO" "BOB" TODAY! I would
recommend the new Vol.15 of a dozen stereo high quality Hours of Slack.
Or, you can now get ALL of our 5 feature-length videos in RM format for
$40.

--
4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected (Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
PRABOB

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Cardinal Vertigo <vertigo@alexandria.cc>

Joe Cosby wrote:
> Cardinal Vertigo <vertigo@alexandria.cc> wrote:
>>Joe Cosby wrote:
>>>Cardinal Vertigo <vertigo@alexandria.cc> wrote:
>>>>fenian wrote:
>>>>>>I get death threats in the email all the time, big whoop, but what if
>>>>>>one of those fucks decided to send a, I dunno, a box of dog shit, or
>>>>>>something that smelled like terrorism. I'd have to WASTE A BUNCH OF
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>Wow. Thats pretty fucked. Who the hell sends you death threats? And how many
>>>>>do you tend to receive in a year? Who does it tend to be, Christians?
>>>>
>>>>Anyone who sends someone a death threat isn't a Christian. Not by any
>>>>serious definition I've ever encountered, anyway.
>>>>
>>>>Well sure, they might call themselves Christians, but "you will know
>>>>them by their fruits" as the dude who gave their religion its name is
>>>>quoted as saying, and as some of them seem fond of repeating but not
>>>>understanding.
>>>
>>>
>>>"There was only one true Christian, and he died on the cross"
>>
>>And there was only one true Buddhist, and he died after a meal of
>>truffles in roughly 483 BCE. And there was only one true Muslim, and he
>>died in his wife's arms in 632 at Medina. And so on.
>
>
> I think his point was that tremendous hypocrisy is often evident in
> Christians.
>
> Saying "anyone who sends a death threat isn't a Christian" disregards
> people like for instance George Hammond who considers himself a
> Christian, calls himself a Christian, or for that matter somebody like
> Jerry Falwell or Oral Roberts and so on.
>
> By their fruits you shall know them indeed. But don't you find
> yourself wondering a little then, what is the point of even having
> this word, "Christian", which people can take on and abuse to gild
> their swinish selves in a hypocritical coating of sanctity?
>
> Maybe we should all just become Fruitarians.

It's a valid point, and in my mind is one of the most valid criticisms
of the entire institution of organized religion. What's the point of
having the word "SubGenius," which people like Bob Dean or 11D or purple
can take on and abuse to gild their swinish selves in a hypocritical
coating of sanctity?

--
"To announce that there must be no criticism of the President,
or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is
not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable
to the American public." Theodore Roosevelt, twenty-sixth
President of the United States

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Joe Cosby <http://joecosby.com/code/mail.pl>

Cardinal Vertigo <vertigo@alexandria.cc> wrote:
>It's a valid point, and in my mind is one of the most valid criticisms
>of the entire institution of organized religion. What's the point of
>having the word "SubGenius," which people like Bob Dean or 11D or purple
>can take on and abuse to gild their swinish selves in a hypocritical
>coating of sanctity?

I don't know what exactly a coating of subgenius gives you but I don't
think it's sanctity. It doesn't smell like sanctity, anyway. If I
was going to guess I would say that smell was dead cat.

--
Joe Cosby
http://joecosby.com/
David Lynch:

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Cardinal Vertigo <vertigo@alexandria.cc>

I would have guessed stale frop with a hint of BO.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Joe Cosby <http://joecosby.com/code/mail.pl>

No that's "Teen Spirit"

--
Joe Cosby
http://joecosby.com/
"Well, fuck you too, chuckles!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgeniusNOSPUM.com>

polar bear <bear@pole.com> wrote:
> "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgeniusNOSPUM.com> wrote:
> > Paranoid? Me?
>
> snip
> > So this morning I called them. Turns out I remember paying the
> > PREVIOUS bill. Two weeks ago, they put the new bill in my box. I
> > haven't BEEN to the box since then, so I didn't get, or pay, that bill,
> > so, they locked the box, so I couldn't get mail until I'd paid my bill.
> > However the hell I was supposed to GET the bill.
> >
>
> LOL. Catch 22.
>
> And here I thought it was something sinister, like Homeland Securidad
> finally catching up with you.

The post office lady thought it was funny, too.

The Secret Service first visited my house about SubGenius in 1983. I
first had to call the FBI myself in 1985. Apparently the FBI lost their
notes from that session because some Cleveland FBI agent called the
sherriff of the little town near Brushwood just before X-Day 98 to
inform him that a death cult was about to commit mass suicide at
Brushwood. The Sherriff thought that was hilarious and told Brushwood,
and that's how we heard about it.

Every year there is at least one pagan out there who prevents us from
committing mass suicide by praying and doing rituals. (We hear about
these indirectly, usually, a couple of weeks later at Starwood.)

The death threats that I get nowadays almost always come from purple
types pretending to be insane Christians in order to sound scary. I
don't believe I've ever gotten a death threat from a real Christian.
It's mostly New Agers who become furious when it finally sinks in that
we, for instance, not only don't believe that aliens make crop circles;
we are CERTAIN (from watching the home movies of it) that SUBGENII and
their SPEEDFREAK BUDDIES make them. That sort of thing is what pisses
off the real kooks. Christians are used to being bashed, but from what
I can tell, New Age believers are generally EVEN DUMBER; they get
angrier, because it takes them so LONG to figure out that we are NOT
ACTUALLY ON THEIR SIDE.

The original death threat that I had to call the feds about came from
Bob Black, the discredited anarchism historian. Actually Black was
swearing to kill Nenslo for going out with a gal who had long since
dumped Black. But Black informed me that he had sent my family's
address to the Church of the Creator and other white supremacist groups
that I had trashed in High Weirdness by Mail. Then the Chruch of the
Creator -- whose members HAD murdered people and been caught for it --
PUBLISHED a death threat against "the Jew Stang." (I wasn't even MARIED
to a Jew, THEN!) That was when I first called the FBI with the old "You
ever see MAD Magazine?" bit.

Then I didn't hear from them again for a couple of years. In 1987 or so
they phoned and asked if I had gotten any more interesting death
threats, but I hadn't, then.

In the early 90s an FBI guy showed up and asked if they could do
surveilance on the crack dealers in the apts behind our house... he
looked all over the house for places to "spy on the crack dealers
from". I thought the whole thing rather odd. There probably WERE crack
dealers back there but the whole thing seemed fishy. After that one
visit the guy never came back. We joshed about how probably he planted
secret microphones so they could track the activities of our dangerous
subversive cult. If so, he left the mikes there and their batteries
have probably run down.

It's such a moot point. If "They" want to "GET" you they CAN. If "They"
wanted to mike my house and tap my lines, I would feel VERY SORRY for
the guy assigned to do the peeping and surveiling. As even my closest
pals will attest, I avoid the phone and email and when I DO talk on
those, I'm usually bragging about my kids or talking about monster
movies or computer geek stuff. If they taped my house noises they'd
hear the running comedy routine that is normal conversation for Wei and
me, and a sort of a whack-whack-whack sound when she's gone, and they
might be entertained by that, but I doubt if they'd find much to
justify keeping us in their surveilance budget. I save my subversive
statements for The Hour of Slack where anybody can hear them, but
probably nobody EXCEPT that one bored paid fed listener does. And
really I just play straight man to Lonesome, thus letting him say all
the subversive and evil treasonous stuff. Then I joke about how I'll
throw food over the fence to him when he's in the concentration camp.
Har har har.

I imagine that the feds still check on us occasionally. They probably
SHOULD.

Incidentally, what was in the P.O. box was a big heavy box from Jesus
and Magdalen full of X-Day postcards. I should have driven, not walked.

It was so hot we decided to see that movie Shrek 2.

The Puss-in-Boots character in that is so fucking god damned funny that
I lak to peed my britches from laughing. My glasses actually got all
blurry from the tears.

Shrek 2 has gorgeous art design, and superb character animation, and is
a WET DREAM for PLUMPER FANS. Shrek's wife Fiona has got to be the
HOTTEST animated female I have laid eyes on since Jessica Rabbit, and I
would SURE like to see the animators' naughty after-hours "out-takes"
some day. The Fairy Godmother for that matter is the ultimate in hot
Older Plumper Babes. OH yeah. Both these animated gals have inhumanly
PERFECT skin, like Dot in Reboot, but they also have MMMMMM, PERFECT
SHAPES! Ngogngogngogn... the "R. Crumb" in me was OVERDOSING.

I would fuck those virtual babes' WIREFRAMES ALONE, let me tell you.
They are so hot I'd blow the whole TEAM OF GUYS that ANIMATED them.
Hell I'd blow the MOTION-TRACKING TECHNICIAN. Well, maybe that's going
a bit far. But oooh-doggies. YAS baby.

I am not a big Michael Myers fan so I was not expecting to specially
like the movie, but they had me bawling already in the FIRST FIVE
MINUTES because the love montage between Shrek and his new wife
reminded me so much of me and Wei. All ogres who have found True Yeti
Mates will know what I'm saying... all three or four of you...

Anyway the fucking CAT in the movie had me SQUEALING with laughter, no
shit. It is an uncannily realistic cat and yet uncannily humanoid at
the same time. Antonio Banderas, voicing the character, re-proves that
he is a natural comic actor. But the facial expressions are what really
get you. The makers of this gigantic self-referential Hollywood
blockbuster, while perhaps serving Satan by that virtue, at least
recognize what animation is GOOD FOR, and didn't waste their time with
that expensive equipment. I could predict every plot move way ahead of
time, so don't expect a terribly surprising story. But it is funny as
hell from the visual standpoint alone.

NOTE: watch for SubGeniuslike characteristics in the 400-foot-tall
retarded Gingerbread Man.

--
4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected (Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
PRABOB

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Joe Cosby <http://joecosby.com/code/mail.pl>

"Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgeniusNOSPUM.com> wrote:
>The original death threat that I had to call the feds about came from
>Bob Black, the discredited anarchism historian. Actually Black was
>swearing to kill Nenslo for going out with a gal who had long since
>dumped Black. But Black informed me that he had sent my family's
>address to the Church of the Creator and other white supremacist groups
>that I had trashed in High Weirdness by Mail.

Jesus what a putz.

I used to like Bob Black. He wrote some good stuff.

I have heard a lot of kinda vague stories about what a jerk he was but
never anything specific like that.

>It was so hot we decided to see that movie Shrek 2.
>
>The Puss-in-Boots character in that is so fucking god damned funny that
>I lak to peed my britches from laughing. My glasses actually got all
>blurry from the tears.

>I am not a big Michael Myers fan so I was not expecting to specially
>like the movie, but they had me bawling already in the FIRST FIVE
>MINUTES
>
>Anyway the fucking CAT in the movie had me SQUEALING with laughter,

tell the truth, you've been following me around for the last ten years
sitting behind me in movies, haven't you?

--
Joe Cosby
http://joecosby.com/
"My energies are much better spent teaching people to eat pork than teaching
pigs to be civilized."
- (Dr K. "Cortez" Legume)

Up one level
Back to document index

Original file name: Suspense and Resolution.txt - converted on Saturday, 25 September 2004, 02:05