I-Van 4 "Sale"

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>
Date: Thu, Aug 28, 2003 11:17 AM

Thanks to the savvy lads at Cleveland Heights' own JIHAD MOTORS, the
patchy 1990 Mazda MPV known alternately as "the StangMobile" and the
Ivan Van was limped from their garage back to The SlackerMansion, where
a special section of The SubGenius Museum has been prepared for it.

It runs. Loudly and temporarily. A small matter of the engine
sustaining interior damage after a catastrophic oil leak. Now it's loud
in front rather than in back. Strangely enough, it will pass emissions
tests.

In the course of several Dallas-Brushwood trips, countless devival
excursions, and U.S.A.-spanning family vacations, this vehicle has been
THOROUGHLY INSPECTED INSIDE AND OUT, by STATE HIGHWAY PATROLMEN. They
have declared it completely, almost SUSPICIOUSLY free of drugs. More
importantly, it carries the collective "vibes" and Psychic Nental Ife
Whiff-Pstench of all the SubGenii it has transported, which is probably
what drew, subliminally, the cops' attentions all those times. THE
CAR'S LIFE ALONE would make an interesting novel or art film.

Despite our sentimental attachment to this vehicle, we would be willing
to part with it for a sufficiently generous offer. I'm not sure what
the red book value would be of a 1990 Mazda MPV, with 160,000 miles on
it and an engine that will almost certainly lock up at the worst
possible moment, soon.

The skunky smell is probably permanent and despite wags' gags is
largely caused by real skunks, skunks being practically a Cleveland
trademark. But the Dobbshead stickers on the back are the OLDEST KNOWN.

This is, if not the Ramapithicus of SubGenius cars, at least the Homo
Habilis of them.

A little old man only used it to drive to church and back. Truthfully.

What do I hear for this priceless fossil? Remember, YOU CAN DRIVE IT
AWAY. DOESN'T REQUIRE TOWING. NOT YET UP ON BLOCKS.

Ideally, I would display it up on cinder-blocks in my front yard,
wheel-less, and covered with a shitty "psychedelic" paint job which
would change slightly whenever we had guests for a weekend. That would
have worked in my previous neighborhoods, but other artist neighbors
have already pushed the envelope regarding Residential Poebucker Art
Installations in Cleveland Heights. Cleveland Heights is totally
fascist. They made us repair the shingles over our front porch, replace
the cracked sidewalk stones, take down the shrunken heads on posts and
the barbed wire, and paint our garage. Fucking FASCISTS, man.

Do I hear an opening bid for the StangMobile? DOESN'T HAVE TO BE MONEY.

--
4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected (Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
P.O. Box 181417, Cleveland, OH 44118 (fax 216-320-9528)
A subsidiary of:
The SubGenius Foundation, Inc. / P.O. Box 204206, Austin, TX 78720-4206
Dobbs-Approved Authorized Commercial Outreach of The Church of the SubGenius
SubSITE: http://www.subgenius.com
For SubGenius Biz & Orders: call toll free to 1-888-669-2323
or email: jesus@subgenius.com
PRABOB

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From: Two Beans <twobeans@godhatesyou.com>

Rev. Ivan Stang wrote:

>
> Do I hear an opening bid for the StangMobile? DOESN'T HAVE TO BE MONEY.
>

You forgot to mention that the tires are only one year and two months old.

--
2B
http://www.eyeofthewarp.com/twobeans
http://www.walkingdead.net/~twobeans

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Subject: Re: I-Van 4 "Sale"
From: "Melchiorpants" <me@here.com>

The REAL question is can we just SPONSOR it. I can drive it sprititually
from here. Thats all I need. Coming down to get it would be a real drag,
so I would rather just make the psycic commute once and a while. We can
start a dutch auction. Don't tell us who wins though. That would spoil the
fun.

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Subject: Re: I-Van 4 "Sale"
From: "Dr. Rev. Chuck, M.D. P.A." <cdub@_REMOVETHIS_erols.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Thu, Aug 28, 2003 8:57 PM
Message-ID: <3F4EA4E7.4901@_REMOVETHIS_erols.com>

Rev. Ivan Stang wrote:
>
> Do I hear an opening bid for the StangMobile? DOESN'T HAVE TO BE MONEY.

Scrape the bugs off the grill and auction them as holy relics.

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Subject: Re: I-Van 4 "Sale"
From: "NeuroManson" <dogegoops@comcast.net>

Or the roadkill stuck in the undercarriage (or are those bits of pinkmeat)?

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Subject: Re: I-Van 4 "Sale"
From: "Rabbi Shankar" <me@privacy.net>

"Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com> wrote

> largely caused by real skunks, skunks being practically a Cleveland
> trademark.

Heh. Only on the east side and Parma. Not here!

But you're right about where you are. They are LEGION from 10PM-6AM.
THOUSANDS of them. Every night smells like skunk ass. It's COOL cause it's
part of the EAST SIDE MYSTIQUE! Fucking stink weasels.

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Subject: Re: I-Van 4 "Sale"
From: iDRMRSR <idrmrsr@subgenius.com>

You might not have skunks but I bet you DO have those fucking huge black
ants. They walk over us humans as if nothing we have built exists!

Why doesn't some mad scientist do us a favor and breed black ants that
eat SKUNKS, and make this whole town so much better a place!

[*]
-----

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Subject: Re: I-Van 4 "Sale"
From: iDRMRSR <idrmrsr@subgenius.com>

Stang...do you think you could bury that thing and run cables from it to
power an underground dominion? Maybe that's what inspired the dream I
had about Rem and his invention of the ultra sharp knife imbedded in a
huge Hershey bar, with a small gun serving as the knife handle. It made
HIM rich. I could tunnel under my condo here without too much
suspicion. I know how, I watched Midnight Express last night!

And I forgot to tell you. All this car stuff has reminded me that,
doggone it, I might have finally turned into my father.

You see, my grandfather came to the US from Europe. English was
something like the third or fourth language he had to learn. Being a
stern person, he also neglected to teach my dad either of the first
three languages, so my father and grampa hardly ever spoke, having
little language in common.

Along with that European tradition, though, comes the mandatory Sunday
visit. The adult children go to the eldest male progenitor's house
strictly as a show of respect and control. Offspring such as I were
required to be in attendance, as well, though of course we were not to
be seen by the elders unless summoned.

Each week after church we went over to Grampa's. Sometimes the uncles
were there, and my cousins. Of course the young-uns had to go to that
special place in the house where their presence would be least
detectable. But rarely we were invited to join the adult gathering.

The entire conversation between my dad and his father consisted of my
dad asking gramps "How's the car, Dad?". And Grampa would generally say
it was OK, and then we'd all spend an hour in silence watching Polka
Parade.

Well, that's why when I came over I deliberately didn't ask you how YOUR
car was! I came THIS close...

Deep, huh?

[*]
-----

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Subject: Re: I-Van 4 "Sale"
From: zosodada@aol.com (Zosodada)

My SubG-Bay

ITEM BEST OFFER MY BID
StangMobile 1 Blowjob + $10 Collection
of Charlton
horror comics
mid 70's

One SM57, NONE 1 Blowjob + $10
25' cable and
stand.

Attn.: SubPenis Hecklers
Yah, uh, kik 'um inna nutz. Haw! Haw!

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Subject: Re: I-Van 4 "Sale"
From: subspecies23@aol.comyourmom (SubSpecies23)

Date: Fri, Aug 29, 2003 1:13 AM

<< Do I hear an opening bid for the StangMobile? DOESN'T HAVE TO BE MONEY. >>

I'll give you 10 bucks and a blow job. Unfortunately the blow job is from the
10 bucks. Watch out for the antlers.

----------------
EVERY SQUARE FUCKDORK WITH A PIPE... *IS NOT "BOB"* -- Ivan Stang

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Subject: Re: I-Van 4 "Sale"
From: "Alliekatt" <alleykatzen@hotmail.com>

That damn thing was yea close to falling apart on the welds three years ago.

Your car surfed the luck plane like a motherfucker when C2H6O was the only
chemical involved. As for anything else I abstain from comment.

I'll give you a yoga ball, 2 live geese, a large dead dried rhinoceros
beetle, all the panties in my dresser that have holes in them, a yo-yo and
some old Star Trek toys for it.

alliekatt

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Subject: Re: I-Van 4 "Sale"
From: Artemia Salina <y2k@sheayright.com>
Date: Fri, Aug 29, 2003 3:25 AM

On Fri, 29 Aug 2003 06:06:28 +0000, SubSpecies23 wrote:

> << I'll give you a yoga ball, 2 live geese, a large dead dried rhinoceros
> beetle, all the panties in my dresser that have holes in them, a yo-yo and
> some old Star Trek toys for it.
> >>
>
> Wow, good trade. If I was Stang I'd go for it.

Pay no attention to these disrespectful people!

This is an unprecedented opportunity! Imagine,
actually owning a personal item that was once
owned by the SACRED SCRIBE of the CHURCH OF THE
SUBGENIUS. And not just any item, either. A car
is a very personal item, as an attachment grows
between it and its owner. Reverend Stang has
probably spent a lot of time in that van. He
has probably eaten the hell out of many hamburgers
behind the wheel of that car, and no doubt has
nervously knocked his knees together as he
frantically searched for a rest stop on his many
journeys to Brushwood, etc.

Think of all of the ideas he may have had for
classic rants while driving that van!

I'll give you $150 for it if you can get it to
Connecticut by this Monday!!

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Subject: Re: I-Van 4 "Sale"
From: mshotz@aol.commonkeypo (Rev. Richard Skull)

Why not permantly emplace it at Starwood! A monument to Slack! In fact, we
could make a "grave yard" of old Yeti-mobiles there! Just like that Cadillac
Ranch out west!

But just in case you do not like that idea, I'll give you $20 for that DEVO
License Plate Frame!

MSHOTZ: The Post Post Modern Man

"War hath no Fury like a non-combatants"

O. Henry

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Subject: Re: I-Van 4 "Sale"
From: bobdiddley@aol.com (Bobdiddley)

I bid 6 nogo Toyota station wagons, stuffed with antiquated computer parts
(several functional Atari STs) random musical devices or parts, some old
carpets. Plus some unfinished 'free energy' projects belonging to Led
Zimmerman. But no kidding, IF we could get it here, it could be properly
blocked up, and remain as a SubG drop-in center, for campovers, when you pass
by here, on your way to...come to think of it, where the hell WOULD a person be
going, if they stopped by here on the way?

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Subject: Re: I-Van 4 "Sale"
From: "Alliekatt" <alleykatzen@hotmail.com>

Moose tipping.

alliekatt

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Original file name: I-Van 4 "Sale" - converted on Saturday, 25 September 2004, 02:05