Gigantic SubGenius Triumphs

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>
Date: Sun, Jan 25, 2004

Wei and I unclogged the bathroom sink without resorting to calling a
plumber, or unscrewing anything but the doohicky that controls the
stopper, or even using harsh chemicals. (THIS time.) **

By Sherlock Holmes-like inspection and deduction I repaired the
official Church inkjet printer after a total catastrophic breakdown for
the SECOND time, and learned what OTHER piece of plastic or metal
without which the machine works better. This instead of resorting to
buying a new printer.*

I successfully got Princess Wei's computer, way down there on the
second floor, onto my DSL line for high speed Internet WIRELESSLY!
--this time without resorting to murderous rampage after installing a
wireless card and setting up the wireless router and then encountering
the UNDOCUMENTED BUG, which bug basically meant that even though you've
done everything right the first time, you still have to totally reboot
all the involved devices for no good or even guessed reason, before it
will work.

This time, I got the god damned borrowed camera-monitor to work with
this fancy-assed video editing program and the six god damned hard
drives, without losing my cool, by remembering and methodically
enacting the exact required sequence of start-ups and reboots. Whenever
you introduce a borrowed robot to your regular old crew of firewire
robots, there's always some jostling in the pecking order. Not SUPPOSED
to be, but there always is. They may be robots, but nonetheless the
plain truth is that they ACT like HORSES.

THIS time I checked price.com, pricewatch.com, and every other
deal-getting site before selling the last chip off the chewed
fingernail of "Bob" that I rescued from the Victoria Theater stage the
night he was shot, and got a GOOD price for it... to make up for that
time when we had to buy it BACK from that ONE guy, in a BIG HURRY, that
one time.

This time, we got the car to start just by WILLING it to start, we
didn't have to do that thing with the key three times while saying
"Oyeh".

This time, when the assholes acted like assholes, we didn't act like
assholes. We just OBSERVED.

I simultaneously chewed gum and walked, all the way around the yard,
without hurting myself, this time.

I saved UNTOLD THOUSANDS by these accomplishments. Thousands of dollars
as well. And by sitting here on my ass, dooing next to nothing, letting
the luck plane slide past me, I know that I will be saving YET
THOUSANDS MORE.

Unfortunately I can't fuck around for long because I really have to get
this ARISE thing onto a DVD (etc.) even if it's the 1988 version. Had
to spend the week ordering parts though, seems like, phooey. There
should be zombies doing this shit for me but there aren't because I
CAN'T STAND FUCKING ZOMBIES!! And not even zombies will work for FREE,
you have to fuck 'em to keep 'em working or even "living." PATHETIC.
Rather do it myself. Slow but steady wins the race, that's the ticket,
yessir.

** (Thanks to Pater Nostril for the plumber's helper wedding present!)

* Although I WAS on the way to buy a new printer when Princess Wei
suddenly, in Office Max, had a vision of where the SPRING goes. Not
that, it turns out, the spring is NEEDED for anything. But the plastic
thing that the spring was formerly attached to IS needed, in its
RIGHTFUL place. I mention this for future reference for owners of the
Epson 777.

--
4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected (Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
PRABOB

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "Gigantittythropus" <phlowhole@subgummy.com>

Yeah, but did you save the universe, this time?!

Philo

----------------------------------------------------------------------

"Rev. Ivan Stang" wrote:
> This time, when the assholes acted like assholes, we didn't act like
> assholes. We just OBSERVED.

That may be the greatest Triumph of all.

One Saturday morning I was riding my bike past the park and there was
one of those shaved headed poebucker guys with a spiderweb tattoo on
the side of his neck who had four dogs with him in the fenced in
tennis court and he was throwing balls around for him and one of them
I guess didn't fetch the ball right or something and he grabbed it by
the ears and shook its head around and started striking it on the head
with his hand while shouting at it, and I yelled STOP THAT! STOP
HITTING THAT DOG! And then I stopped to watch because I had saved his
dog from further abuse by directing his derangement toward me. He
continued throwing balls for his dogs and they continued fetching them
while he cursed and bellowed at me, getting more and more incoherent
while I just stood and watched. He went on for about ten minutes and
finally got tired and took his dogs to pile into his broken down
pickup truck and chug home to his crappy hovel. The best thing he
said was "I don't come into your home and tell you what to do so you
can't come into MY home and tell ME what to do!" while he was clearly
standing on a tennis court in a park. Free fun!

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Original file name: Gigantic SubGenius Triumphs.txt - converted on Saturday, 25 September 2004, 02:05