Engineering Challenge

From: iDRMRSR <idrmrsr@subgenius.com>
Date: Thu, Aug 14, 2003

What mankind needs more than a Segway is a machine that you strap on
which sucks the poop out of you, drinks your pee, and delivers an above
average blow job. I mean, mankind has put up with all the yucky
business of eliminating wastes from the body long enough. Time to get
technology involved here.

I sleep with a CPAP machine, a tiny but powerful electrical air pump
that blows air up my nose so I don't snore, choke, and stop my heart
eighty times an hour. It got me thinking how readily the device could
be fit with a few more hoses to take care of the other two bodily
orifices.

People triphene themselves to free up their branes from the
constrictions of a too small skull. It's a known paradox of humanity
that the brane doesn't fit the standard skull, as if a foreign object
was injected there ala ALIEN. The part that hangs down is actually
called the tonsils of the brane, and people with Chiari malformations
have all kinds of slackless problems because their branes are so
constricted.

Imagine the freedom from toilets, the things you could do (especially as
you age) instead of trying to squeeze something out, ANYTHING, with
increasingly age-weakened muscles. Which paradoxically loosen and
dribble in unwanted fashion.

You could drive forever and never have to search out whorehouses or rest
stops, or even combination whorehouse/reststops like the truckers have.
Attend meaningful meetings with your CON cow orkers without wasting time
opening each meeting with directions to the potty, and then having
sufficient breaks.

Just sit there and AHHHHHHH! Pleasant mecha-relief ensues as internal
pressure increases from any gland or bladder or sphincter are sensed
automatically, and billions of nanobots clean up every drop of honey.
You wouldn't even have to pause your Powerpoint presentation, just go on
with your point, assured that your internal caverns are being cleansed
before you consciously notice a damn thing.

Great nerd schools like MIT and Stanford could have student competitions
where young proto-engineers design the lightweight, comfortable
devices. They could be solar powered, or even...yes...GAS powered by
natural methane and ammonia fermentation products.

Unwanted solids could be compressed and dried and expelled in shrink
wrapped disks, odor and possibly color free.

Believe and you can ACHIEVE!

[*]
-----

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: subspecies23@aol.comyourmom (SubSpecies23)

<< Imagine the freedom from toilets, >>

Some of us like going to the bathroom. The relief felt after taking a huge
crap is one of the few pleasures I have in life.

<< You could drive forever and never have to search out whorehouses or rest
stops, or even combination whorehouse/reststops like the truckers have. >>

Some of us like those too.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: hellpopehuey@subgenius.com (HellPopeHuey)

iDRMRSR <idrmrsr@subgenius.com> wrote:
> Unwanted solids could be compressed and dried and expelled in shrink
> wrapped disks, odor and possibly color free.

Leave the odor IN so I can peg people in the head with the disks and
have it really MEAN something. I need more meaning in my life.

HellPope Huey, hellpopehuey@subgenius.com
Yes, there's a PLACE for you in this world,
even if you look like 12 pounds of buffalo ass
in a 5-pound, see-through brassiere.

"We did what we did because it was right...not to be remembered.
History will attend to itself; it always does."
- "Babylon 5"

"Like some great Vegas magician,
I have to pull a dog out of the toilet, VOOMP!"
- Denis Leary

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: zosodada@aol.com (Zosodada)

"Jane, stop this crazy thing!"

Attn.: SubPenis Hecklers
Yah, uh, kik 'um inna nutz. Haw! Haw!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>

iDRMRSR <idrmrsr@subgenius.com> wrote:
> What mankind needs more than a Segway is a machine that you strap on
> which sucks the poop out of you, drinks your pee, and delivers an above
> average blow job. I mean, mankind has put up with all the yucky
> business of eliminating wastes from the body long enough. Time to get
> technology involved here.
>
> I sleep with a CPAP machine, a tiny but powerful electrical air pump
> that blows air up my nose so I don't snore, choke, and stop my heart
> eighty times an hour. It got me thinking how readily the device could
> be fit with a few more hoses to take care of the other two bodily
> orifices.
>
> People triphene themselves to free up their branes from the
> constrictions of a too small skull. It's a known paradox of humanity
> that the brane doesn't fit the standard skull, as if a foreign object
> was injected there ala ALIEN. The part that hangs down is actually
> called the tonsils of the brane, and people with Chiari malformations
> have all kinds of slackless problems because their branes are so
> constricted.
>
> Imagine the freedom from toilets, the things you could do (especially as
> you age) instead of trying to squeeze something out, ANYTHING, with
> increasingly age-weakened muscles. Which paradoxically loosen and
> dribble in unwanted fashion.
>
> You could drive forever and never have to search out whorehouses or rest
> stops, or even combination whorehouse/reststops like the truckers have.
> Attend meaningful meetings with your CON cow orkers without wasting time
> opening each meeting with directions to the potty, and then having
> sufficient breaks.
>
> Just sit there and AHHHHHHH! Pleasant mecha-relief ensues as internal
> pressure increases from any gland or bladder or sphincter are sensed
> automatically, and billions of nanobots clean up every drop of honey.
> You wouldn't even have to pause your Powerpoint presentation, just go on
> with your point, assured that your internal caverns are being cleansed
> before you consciously notice a damn thing.
>
> Great nerd schools like MIT and Stanford could have student competitions
> where young proto-engineers design the lightweight, comfortable
> devices. They could be solar powered, or even...yes...GAS powered by
> natural methane and ammonia fermentation products.
>
> Unwanted solids could be compressed and dried and expelled in shrink
> wrapped disks, odor and possibly color free.
>
> Believe and you can ACHIEVE!

I am TOTALLY into this project. Just don't leave out The Diverter(TM),
trademark, the valve that can be installed in your throat so that you
can eat all the ice cream you can afford, but only allow as little as
you want into your actual stomach after swallowing. The rest is
diverted after swallowing, via The Diverter (trademark), into a little
bag strapped to your side. For later reheating or resale.

The thing is, if we're THINKING of these things, you can rest assured
that some very rich fellow somewhere has already had it done.

--
4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected (Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
PRABOB

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>

SubSpecies23 <subspecies23@aol.comyourmom> wrote:
> << Imagine the freedom from toilets, >>
>
> Some of us like going to the bathroom. The relief felt after taking a huge
> crap is one of the few pleasures I have in life.

DON'T TAKE IT FOR GRANTED!

> << You could drive forever and never have to search out whorehouses or rest
> stops, or even combination whorehouse/reststops like the truckers have. >>

ENJOY IT WHILE YOU CAN.

--
4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected (Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
PRABOB

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "Paul E. Jamison" <pauljmsn@infionline.net>

iDRMRSR wrote:
> What mankind needs more than a Segway is a machine that you strap on
> which sucks the poop out of you, drinks your pee, and delivers an above
> average blow job. I mean, mankind has put up with all the yucky
> business of eliminating wastes from the body long enough. Time to get
> technology involved here.
>

I'm getting to that age where this sounds like a *very* good idea.

I'd warn against trying to use Star Trek transporter technology
for waste elimination. They're *always* having transporter
accidents, and that would open up whole new plotlines. ST
can't thrive on new plotlines.

Paul E. Jamison

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: hellpopehuey@subgenius.com (HellPopeHuey)

Well, you must admit that there is a certain romantic aspect to the
idea of being able to teleport your own fecal matter directly into
someone's dinner or coat pocket. Problem is, most SubGenii would miss
a few decimal points and send along their entire GI tract. That'd be a
real bummer for all involved. However, it might make for a few really
cool t-shirts to sell on rotten.com.

HellPope Huey, hellpopehuey@subgenius.com
Wry blather, .05 cents per metric ton

One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.
- Chateaubriand

"We're puttin' extra stress on a structure
that wasn't up to code in the first place."
- "King of the Hill"

Up one level
Back to document index

Original file name: Engineering Challenge.txt - converted on Saturday, 25 September 2004, 02:05