What "Bob" is to me!

From: beefjerkyisgood@hotmail.com (Paul Casino)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Sat, Jul 10, 2004 5:46 PM

Yesterday was my first day back at my conspiracy job since X-Day. (I
didn't go to Brushwood, but I do like how those who weren't in
attendance were blessed with a day off work and Twilight Zone marathon
on the Sci-Fi channel to make up for it.) And of course, I heard
things like "Hey, looks like your joke religion's stupid holiday
turned out to be a pantload...again. Hey, watch how you're swinging
that box cutter at my neck, it looks pretty sharp!" But in the days
PRIOR to X-Day, I had a lot of people asking me who J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
was.

Now I could have just spouted out thesame stupid shit that Stang has
been yelling all these years "Blah, blah, blah, cosmic salesman, blah,
blah,blah, T.V. set of his own design, blah, blah, blah, pay to know
what you'll really think." And yes, that's what "Bob" is to Stang. But
what is "Bob" to me, where does he fit in my life?

"Bob" is the massive, colon destroying SHIT that you didn't know you
even needed to take.

"Bob" is the 17 inch black strap-on dildo that you didn't even know
you needed to be fucked with.

"Bob" is the delicious jug of drain cleaner that you didn't even know
you wanted to drink!

Who is "Bob"? "Bob"'s the joker. He's the toker. He's the midnight
'froper! And he sure DON'T want to hurt NO ONE, he wants to hurt
EVERYONE. Every one of THEM.

I came home from work and thought about all of this, then I turned on
the TV. And I saw my answer before me, a gift from the idiot box.

There was a Saturday Night Live sketch a few years back that had a
bunch of drunken men sitting around the bar, yelling and screaming
about a man named BILL BRASKY. I decided to present a transcript of
this sketch here, with the appropriate name change from "BILL BRASKY"
to "Bob". This is the only change that I made. Everything else, the
salesman part, was all in the sketch originally. This is what "Bob" is
all about to me, kids.

First Friend of Brasky: "Bob" is a son of a bitch! Do you fellas know
"Bob"?

Second Friend of Brasky: Hell yeah, I know "Bob"! He's a big fella,
goes about 6'4", 280. He loves his Scotch!

Third Friend of Brasky: He does! He's a hell of a salesman!

Fourth Friend of Brasky: To "Bob"!

Together: "Bob"!!

Third: Did you know "Bob" is the godfather of my son?

Fourth: "Bob"?

First: He's a big fella!

Second: Oh yeah, he's a big guy! Goes about 6'7", 385.

Third: Well, anyway.. he shows up at the church in his golf pants,
caked in mud. Well, ol' "Bob" pushes the priest aside and says, "I'll
baptize that piece of calimari!" Then he pours Scotch all over my baby
son and says, "There! You're baptized!"

Fourth: And your son is blind to this day!

First: Yeah, he makes brooms somewhere in Georgia, doesn't he?

Third: I have no idea. [ pause ] To "Bob"!

Together: "Bob"!!

Second: Did I ever tell you about the time "Bob" sold me into slavery?

First: Well, if you're talking about "Bob", I believe it!

Second: Oh, yeah! He puts me on a ship to Thailand, right? And I'm
chained to a pipe. Meanwhile, ol' "Bob", he's back in the States
siring three beautiful children with my wife!

First: I hate "Bob".. but I respect him!

Guy At Bar: Are you talking about "Bob"? I know "Bob"!

First: Then let me buy you a round!

Third: Hey, easy, Hank, easy.. To "Bob"!

Together: "Bob"!!

Fourth: Did I ever tell you about the time "Bob" showed up at my
daughter's wedding? You know my daughter, she's a beautiful girl.

First: I tell you, I'd like to have sex with her!

Fourth: Well, "Bob" shows up.. and you know he's a big fella.

Third: Goes about 7'8", 530.

Fourth: Well, he's standing right between me and my daughter at the
ceremony. He's got no right to be there, but he's drunk and he's
"Bob"! Well, long story short: the priest accidentally marries me and
"Bob"! [ the guys laugh ] Off! Off! Off! We spend the weekend in the
Poconos - he loves me like I've never been loved before!

Second: Best damn salesman in the office!

Together: "Bob"!!

Third: You know how "Bob" served three tours in 'Nam?

Fourth: Uh-huh!

Third: Well, I'm in Corpus Christi on business a month ago, and I had
this eight-foot tall Asian waiter.. which made me a little curious, so
I asked him his name, and sure enough it's Ho Tran "Bob"!

First: To J.R. "Bob" Dobbs!

Second: Oh, yeah!

Fourth: Hey, you ever go camping with "Bob"?

Third: Many times.

First: I went camping with "Bob", his wife, and his daughter Debbie!

Third: Debbie Dobbs?

First: Debbie Dobbs. She's 7-years-old, goes about 3'5", 55 pounds.
So, I'm in the back of a pickup with "Bob" and a live deer! Well,
"Bob", he grabs the deer by the antlers, looks at it and says, "I'm
"Bob"! Say it!" Then he squeezes the deer in such a way that a sound
comes out of its mouth - "Bob!" It wasn't exactly it, but it was
pretty good for a deer!

Third: That's "Bob"!

Together: "Bob"!!

Fourth: I once saw him eat a whole live chicken.

First: His favorite movie is "One on One" with Robby Benson.

Fourth: "Bob" once gave me a videotape of him having sex with my wife,
and it was the most beautiful damn thing I ever saw!

Second: I have that tape!

Guy At Bar: [ turning around ] So do I!

Third: To "Bob"! A ten-foot-tall, two-ton son of a bitch who could eat
a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing!

Together: "Bob"!!

Big Booming Voice: [ from extremely tall figure in upper camera angle
] Did someone say "Bob"?

Together: "BOB"!!

--------------

See, what this all comes down to is something that I've learned of
late. Life is a lot like a bad date with the town whore. Yeah, it will
be expensive, and boring, and humiliating and annoying, but if you're
lucky, and if you can just stick it through to the end, chances are
you'll at least get a blowjob out of the deal. Or maybe even SEX. And
"Bob" is that promise of SEX that makes all of the fist clenching,
tounge biting, teeth grinding HELL that is LIFE IN GENEAL worth it.

Praise that sweet fucking "Bob". Praise him until you begin to weep
uncontrolably and curl into the fetal postition on the floor in a
puddle of your own mess. Priase be. Amen.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "Blackout" <blackout@schlubgenius.com>

"Paul Casino" wrote
> Yesterday

my newsserver deleted everything after the word yesterday, could you repost
it all? thanks

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: What "Bob" is to me!
From: Joe Cosby <http://joecosby.com/code/mail.pl>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Mon, Jul 12, 2004 5:57 PM
Message-ID: <lp16f05n0d7fatvu4u2l24m244a3vlsqak@4ax.com>

On 10 Jul 2004 14:46:13 -0700, beefjerkyisgood@hotmail.com (Paul
Casino) wrote:

>
>Praise that sweet fucking "Bob". Praise him until you begin to weep
>uncontrolably and curl into the fetal postition on the floor in a
>puddle of your own mess. Priase be. Amen.

that's pretty good

On Saturday morning, I woke up and my cat was batting my nose. This
means I am supposed to get up and feed him. So I am very groggy but I
struggle with getting vertical and stumble towards the kitchen where
his dish is. He trots happily out into the kitchen and stands by his
dish then turns back and gives me that plaintive mournful look.

His dish is empty. But I have set out like 10 dishes full of cat
food, for when I went to X day so he would have food, and there are
all sitting right next to HIS dish.

So I pick up one of the 10 dishes full of cat food and empty it into
HIS dish.

Happily he digs in and eats as if he had been starving for years.

He does that to me every once in a while. More often, his dish will
be kind of low, in the morning. He's used to getting fed in the
morning. It will kind of look empty because he has nosed his way down
through the food to the bottom of the dish, but there is still plenty
of food there.

So those times, I just reach in with my hand, pick up the cat food,
and drop it back into his dish, and he immediately digs in happily.

It's just the ROUTINE. The sound of cat food dropping into his bowl
in the morning means it's time to eat.

Of course, "Bob" is a ripoff. Of course, he can't give me anything I
don't already have.

"Bob" to me is like I am to my cat. Sometimes I just need someone
else to give me what I already have or I would starve to death.

--
Joe Cosby
http://joecosby.com/
"The Shrink asks me what the American flag means to me.
I tell him, "soak it in heroin Doc, and I'll suck it."
The shrink tells me I have a bad attitude. Tells
me to get right with Jesus.
Then with tears running down their fink faces, the Do-rights
as one man bellow out the Star Spangled banner."

- William S. Burroughs

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Original file name: What "Bob" is to me! - converted on Saturday, 25 September 2004, 02:05