From: lanegibberish@yahoo.com (IshGibber)
Date: Mon, Jul 21, 2003
Hello. My name is Lane Davis. I've been amongst the
Church since March
or April of this year. Not really involved in the newsgroups,
I have
randomly dropped in the IRC chat, and here. I've logged
many many
hours reading the book, writing my own scriptures, preaching
to
friends, etc. What I want to do now is talk to you.
I know for a fact
that I could be locked up for saying my true beleifs,
these days.
Sure, they used to be funny. The conspiracy. HAHA, that's
some funny
shit. Now I truly beleive this shit. Or I am able to,
anyway. They
could really put me in a white fuckin' room. I'd have
to play it off
like this was some kind of joke. Which wouldn't be hard.
Like I said, I guess I sort of want to share my story.
Not sure
why exactly, cause frankly, y'all are a bunch of loser
fucks who have
nothing better to do than bitch about political / religious
viewpoints
and slander eachother on the internet. Ask yourselves
"What would
'Bob' do?" While calling eachother retards, he's
probably fucking your
wife, and taking over your business. *That's* what "Bob"
would do!
Hell, even if newsgroups DID give "Bob" slack,
he would probably DENY
IT, cause HE DON'T WANT YOUR DAMN DIRTY SLACK!!!
Back to the damned-story. A few months ago, I fell into
the grasps
of the underworld, and got my first taste of the purest
fake-slack
there is. After jamming with some friends, and getting
my first solid
drug connections, i started buying a dimebag of weed
every week. I
wouldn't smoke with friends. I didn't even have many
friends, except
those loser-types with low self esteem, that are only
your friends
because they're such losers that they can't find any
REAL friends. So
I'd sit at home, smoking a bowl every night. Talking
to friends on
AIM/ MSN, ect. Listening to music, watching TV, eating
5,000 calories
of munchies, and what have you. Soon, my 'only-smoke-after-8:00
PM'
rule changed to 5:00. 4:00. Within a week, I was smoking
a bowl as
soon as I got home from school. Within two, I'd wake
up, smoke a bowl,
smoke one during 3rd period, smoke as soon as i got
home, and up until
I passed out around 11:00 or so. I didn't feel enslaved.
I *LOVED*
every goddamn day, every goddamn bowl. Every goddamn
second. I loved
it. The only part I didn't love was when I had none
left and needed to
score from the mexican kids at the park or else I'd
be *gasp* SOBER!
So, I was on the fef.net IRC server, because the chanel
#tsc,
which is where my evil yo-yo / linux buddies would chill.
I was
probably on my 4th or 5th bowl for the day, and feeling
a little
bored, so a typed /list --yes into my bitchx client.
The only room on
the server with anyone in it really was #subgenius,
so '/join
#subgenius', and in I popped. Ready to have fun, brag
about being
stoned, etc. Wow, these people truly don't give a damn.
They weren't
appalled, they weren't impressed, they didn't think
it's funny. MY
KIND OF PEOPLE! Then the warning came "Dude, you
should just leave.
We're a cult. www.subgenius.com". HAHA, funny!
YEAH RIGHT! A CULT!
Bullshit. Copied the URL into a browser, and I was there.
WTF, this is
weird. Now, I don't know what happened exactly. But
things started
changing from 'funny' into TRUE! I started reading the
pamplet online.
HOLY SHIT! IT'S TRUE, IT'S TRUE! I felt this weird feeling
I'd never
felt before. It was like being sucked into a different
world. Like
putting goggles over my eyes that let me see a different
reality. I
read as much as I could, taking breaks every hour or
so to smoke more.
God damn. I couldn't tell what was a joke, what was
real, what the
fuck this church WAS, or IS, but I loved it. "Is
'Bob' *real?", I
asked. "Does it MATTER?". Hell fucking no.
I could give less of a FUCK
if i'm DEAD fuckin' wrong about JHVH-1, "Bob",
Connie, false prophets.
Because, life is more FUN because of these beleifs.
I love my life. I
love mySELF, and I HATE "BOB"! But I love
to hate, so it works out.
And my life is BETTER because of these beleifs. I go
back and look at
the promises the church made to me in the begining.
They don't fucking
lie! My luck plane HAS changed. I *DID* receive wild
crazy sex, people
who love me, POWER, money, good looks... ETC. But back
to the story.
So I bought the book. Read that shit every day. I posted
about
some CREEPY experiences I had with the Book at school.
I really
beleived that book. Not every word. FUCK THAT, probably
not even half
the words. I only beleived the stuff that I beleived
in, I guess,
which was enough to keep reading. Soon I had some stupid
slut
girlfriend that seemed like JHVH-1 sent to me. God,
she was stupid. I
treated her like what she was. I NEVER HAD THE BALLS
TO DO THAT,
BEFORE! I was always the boy so scared that a girl might
dislike him,
that I'd do anything for her. FUCK THAT. "Bob"
taught me how to take
control of life by the fucking reigns. If I *THOUGHT*
I was the shit,
I'd BE the shit. And I was. In other peoples eyes, too.
I was my own
self-fulfilling prophecy. And still am. Then, one day,
some friends
that I'd met through IRC a couple years before invited
me over for
some reason. There were some other people over, and
we were watching
TV and shit. I broke out my pipe, smoked a bowl. Then
they started
passing the bubbler. Then it hit me, like a freight
train. WHERE AM I?
IS this 'reality' REAL? What the FUCK am I doing here
with two poor
ass losers in a small fucking trailer watching Jerry
Springer on a big
screen TV, while they bitch about their minimum wage
jobs, and some
stupid ugly mother fucker with an 18 year old wife with
a 2 year old
daughter is screaming, while they light up their fucking
pipe. WHAT
THE FUCK?!? They want me to think this is OK. This is
THEIR reality,
and their reality SUCKS! I mean, my parent's 'reality'
sucks too. But
fuckin' A, this is a million times worse! Poverty stricken,
paranoid
about the police, about criminals, working a shit job,
unhealthy. Fuck
that. FUCK THAT. All I could think of is "Bob",
and how this isn't
what he would be DOING. He might have DONE it, sure,
but he wouldn't
let these people SUCK HIM in to their fucking BLACK
HOLE of a shit
reality, where they can STEAL HIS SLACK, and not even
USE it for
themselves, NO!!! THEY ONLY WANT MY SLACK BECAUSE THEY'RE
JEALOUS THAT
I HAVE ANY IN THE FIRST PLACE! THEY WOULDN'T EVEN USE
IT! 'Fuck. What
the fuck. WHAT IS REALITY???!?!? I need help, I thought.
Wait, no I
don't, I have "Bob". My decisions from here
on out will get these
ALIEN HUMANS OUT OF MY LIFE!!!", I thought. Fuck
that. Fuck weed, it
was FAKE SLACK, all along. It made me feel free from
control, but it
in itself was controlling ME. Deceiving me into THINKING
I was free. I
know I may not be completely free now, but atleast I
am free from
THAT. At this point, I had to remember to breath. Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. I
didn't know if I was dead. And "it's *just* weed",
they'd say! FUCK
THAT! THAT's what they *want* me to think! "Just
weed". Oh, it's
*just* a labotomy, the psychiatrists would say, TOO!!
I need to climb
my way out of this black-whole into low-class shitsville,
I thought.
So I sold my weed, gave away my pipe. Said my "Good
bye, and FUCK YOU,
you losers." Hell, I wanted to make SURE that I
wasn't welcome in the
future. The next few days without THC were hard. But
I made it. Then
ANOTHER black hole tried to suck me in. This time with
alcohol.
Started out just once a week, getting shitfaced. Soon,
like every
other day. Thank god I took a hit of weed, and saw that
it was the
same thing! I've quit that too. Been sober from everything
for weeks.
The only thing is, that after waking up, after telling
all my
'friends' that they're peice of shit addict losers,
enslaved to the
fucking Conspiracy, and that I don't CARE if i'm wrong,
because my
life is more fun, and i'm CHOSEN!!!! from FUCKING JHVH-1
HIMSELF, and
that it's my job to assasinate "Bob". Every
time this would happen,
the next morning, I'd wake up with instructions written
on my arm with
permanent marker, telling me various things, like "Become
sober, from
all addictions. Food, drugs, alcohol. ANYTHING THAT
CONTROLS YOU, and
changes YOUR reality into THEIRS". I'd have instructions
for life all
over my arm. One day, it came to me in simplified form:
"Cast out all
false prophets!", Mind you, it came to me. Of course
i realize NOW
that it was in the Book to begin with! But anyway. I
needed this
permanently on me. Somehow it needed to be a constant
reminder, to
cast out the false prophets. Now, where doth one cast
said false
prophets? The Lake-of-fire (tm), of course! Ah the lake
of fire.
BLAMMO, again, it came to me. Get that shit tattooed
on your arm.
Wait, no. Not tattooed. I'll get it professionally cut
via scalple, so
it will scar up into the design of the lake of fire.
A few days later,
there I was, after spending and hour and a half having
my arm sliced
1/8" deep into the design of a fire armband. It's
healed up now. But I
really don't want to show it off. Even though sometimes
it tempts me.
This is way too much of a personal thing for me. People
think i'm
fucking insane as it is for getting shit carved into
my arm, I don't
need to tell the reason why. But anyways. "Bob"
came through on his
part of the deal in full. I've had sex out the wazz00
all summer. In a
KICK ass metal band with people that love us. Got into
college. Got
money. Most of all, I have my slack. And my slack is
the pure slack.
It can't be described. I'm not a druggie, I'm not a
wino. I'm not
wasting my money. I'm only insane when I want to be
insane. I love
myself.--
-- Lane
P.S. -- Thank you, Rev. Stang. Without you, and your
writings, along
with others. I definitely would be on a FAR different
path right now.
Hell, I might even be lost, but it sure as shit wouldn't
be the path
of least resistance! Thanks.
P.P.S. -- "Bob", watch your fuckin' back. And wash it, too.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Unclaimed Mysteries <k4doh@mindspring.com>
I thought you were going to open up to all of us.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "DRH" <drhach@hotmail.com>
You lost me at "hello, my name is...". Unless
you're Ernest Hemingway,
please refrain from posting anything longer than three
sentences. I mean no
offense by this, it's just a fact of life.
p.s. Please note that I am also not Ernest Henmingway
and I stopped at three
sentences. Infinitely more engaging that way.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Reverend DJ Epoch <niunyabiz@noway.com>
"DRH" <drhach@hotmail.com> wrote:
> You lost me at "hello, my name is...".
Unless you're Ernest Hemingway,
> please refrain from posting anything longer than
three sentences. I
> mean no offense by this, it's just a fact of life.
>
> p.s. Please note that I am also not Ernest Henmingway
and I stopped at
> three sentences. Infinitely more engaging that
way.
You're not from around here, are ya Spanky? You obviously
haven't seen
the ramblings of the unholy trinity (nenslo, ICEKNIFE
and HellPope Huey)
nor the diatribes of the resident sacred scribe (bless
his twisted soul).
If you can't handle more than three sentences at a time,
may I suggest a
trip to your local library? They still have "See
Spot Run!" in the
children's section that I'm sure you'll find to be just
your speed.
Damn these USENET police. Next they'll want to do a
body cavity search
for illegal manuscripts.
_________________
-- The Church of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion
-- Cathedral, Carwash and Dancehall
-- Home of the Traci Lords Memorial Brothel
-- Reverend DJ Epoch, prop. and janitor
Divine Southern Redneck Yeti Clench Recruitment site
at:
http://revdjepoch.net
"Fist fucking jehovah's witnesses is no substitute
for healthy diet and a
regular exercise program." -- Blackout
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "JJ" <jjNO@SPAMparkin.ca>
You lost me at ICEKNIFE. Seeing is one thing. Reading is another.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Reverend DJ Epoch <niunyabiz@noway.com>
Sounds like you lost yourself right after you loaded
up your newsreader.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: lanegibberish@yahoo.com (IshGibber)
"DRH" <drhach@hotmail.com> wrote:
> You lost me at "hello, my name is...".
Unless you're Ernest Hemingway,
> please refrain from posting anything longer than
three sentences. I mean no
> offense by this, it's just a fact of life.
>
> p.s. Please note that I am also not Ernest Henmingway
and I stopped at three
> sentences. Infinitely more engaging that way.
Well, where's the slack in that? I'll even write in
sentence
fragments. If I like. Why should I follow your rules
on how to write a
post successfully? Will it make me money? Get me sex?
If not, I'm
really not interested. Oh, maybe you thought I was trying
to make you
happy. Sorry for your confusion.--
-- Lane
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Artemia Salina <y2k@sheayright.com>
What, no credit card or social security numbers?
You call that "opening up"??
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "JJ" <jjNO@SPAMparkin.ca>
U suk!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Reverend DJ Epoch <niunyabiz@noway.com>
Boy, you sure know how to phrase an intelligent opinion,
don't ya? When did
they take you off the meds?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: rabbs@subgenius.com (Rabbi Jacklyn Hyde)
You're a good kid, Gibberish. Loquacious as all hell,
but a good kid.
Now the next step is for you to get through the Bobbie
stage. This
may take a while, so just relax and try to refrain from
screaming
"Praise 'Bob'" at random intervals. It'll
be a start.
--With love, the Rabbs
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: hellpopehuey@subgenius.com (HellPopeHuey)
"JJ" <jjNO@SPAMparkin.ca> wrote:
> You lost me at ICEKNIFE. Seeing is one thing.
Reading is another.
I lost YOU at the turnpike. I DID holler that I was
about to make a
sharp left and to hold onto the grill, but you were
off in your OWN
LITTLE WORLD, AS USUAL, so we left you to those bikers.
I see that you
found your way home, so I assume that they lubed you
up first. See?
"Bob" WAS protecting you.
You faithless fops deserve to be test subjects for
students at a
proctology school, but you'd probably LIKE it too much.
They use canes
& baseball bats & stuff, you know. Call 'em
up, see what they pay,
give the money to Dobbs. There's still time.
--
HellPope Huey @ hellpopehuey@subgenius.com
Not even REMOTELY affiliated with the Church
of Latter-Day
Saints
"Hey, do I preach to YOU when you're lying
stoned in the
gutter?"
- "Futurama"
"Here's to bigger and better dopes."
- "Mr. Smith Goes To Washington"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Leonard the Committed <ccssk@nospamchartermi.net>
rabbs@subgenius.com (Rabbi Jacklyn Hyde) wrote:
> Now the next step is for you to get through the
Bobbie stage. This
> may take a while, so just relax and try to refrain
from screaming
> "Praise 'Bob'" at random intervals.
It'll be a start.
>
And whatever you do, DONT start a 12 step group based
upon your "personal
relationship with "Bob"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "nu-monet v6.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>
But, if you want a 12 step program to get you
closer to "Bob", try the following:
1) Stop bathing, having hair cut, wearing clothes,
speaking in a discernable language, worrying what
your sex partner thinks as opposed to your instant
gratification, being afraid of "the law",
eat only
junk food, defacate and urinate in public. Be
willing to take the HIT for no longer conforming to
the demands of the CON.
.
.
.
12) Win the Powerball Lottery Jackpot, take the
50% right now, pay the 50% taxes, leaving you with
a cool 70 Million dollars (US), give 10% of that to
the Church, and invest in hairbrain schemes and
far-fetched ideas until X-Day or you die and are
reanimated by a mad, but ethical scientist.
--
"YOU BELONG TO US NOW!"
"GET DOWN WITH MY SICKNESS!!"
--Kino Beman, brand name
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Jarto <_jarto_@exciteR.com>
rabbs@subgenius.com (Rabbi Jacklyn Hyde) wrote:
>You're a good kid, Gibberish. Loquacious as all
hell, but a good kid.
> Now the next step is for you to get through the
Bobbie stage. This
>may take a while, so just relax and try to refrain
from screaming
>"Praise 'Bob'" at random intervals. It'll
be a start.
I guess he kind of balanced it out with the Kill "bob"
bit. A good
rant, getting there. Hey, at least he's in the church.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: SubGenius Spice <sgspice@ziplip.com>
maybe, but he's still pink unless he's sent in his 30 bux.
unless i forgot to read that part.
Original file name: Time for me to open #191711.txt - converted on Saturday, 25 September 2004, 02:05
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