TODAY'S HEADLINES

From: Doktor DynaSoar <targeting@OMCL.mil>
Date: Sat, Dec 27, 2003

from news.garble.com:

Michael Jackson Alert Level Stays Orange

Beagle 2 Fails To Report Mad Cows On Mars

Gas Blowout In China: Israel Retaliates With Missiles in Gaza

Iran Earthquake Beats Dow 20,000 to 10,000, Favre Still Plays for GB

Buy This Car And I'll Fuck You (Advertising)

Suicide SARS Patient Killed in Mudslide or Avalanch or Flood

Dot Com Resurgence: We're Too Stupid to Learn, Give Us Capital

Unqualified Pundits Make Claims, People Give Uninformed Opinions

Plane Crash, Bus Crash, Truck Collides With Train, More Soon

Leading Indicators Show Economy Up, Down or Unchanged

Buy This Phone And I'll Fuck You (Advertising)

One of Earth's 3 Billion Females Gives Birth, But This One's FAMOUS!

New Study Reveals That Stuff Can Hurt You: Government to Intervene

Spam Is A Problem, No It Isn't, People Don't Like Spam, Yes They Do

Feds Pass Useless Anti-Spam Law, Have No Clue What It Is Or Why

Interview With Starlet: I Will Pretend I Will Fuck You

Business Leaders Warn Gov't: The Stock Market IS The Economy

Jessica Lynch or Jessica Tate: Who Killed Chester? Who Had A Gun?

Buy This Porn And I'll Fuck You (Advertising)

Online Porn Prices Rise Steeply, 45,000 File Theft of Identity Claims

Opinion: I'm Right, You're Wrong, Do What I Say

And in other news....

OF COURSE IT'S OTHER NEWS, YOU STUPID GIT. IF IT WERE THE SAME NEWS
YOU'D HAVE JUST FINISHED TALKING ABOUT IT. IF YOU'RE GOING TO TALK
ABOUT IT NEXT, IT'S OTHER NEWS. WE CAN TELL THE DIFFERENCE EVEN IF YOU
CAN'T.

Ah, for the good old days. Anyone remember "Elvis Clone Reveals Jackie
O's Secret UFO Diet"? Made it a whole 3 episodes. Claimed they ran out
of ideas. That never stopped any other sitcom.

--
Orbital Mind Control Lasers, Inc:
"But WE wear the tin foil to keep everything IN."

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Original file name: TODAY'S HEADLINES.txt - converted on Saturday, 25 September 2004, 02:05