This Winter's Project

From: idrmrsr <idrmrsr@subgenius.com>
Date: Sat, Oct 11, 2003

I've decided to pass this winter by taking part in some bodily
improvement. No, not the usual things that might affect my appearance,
or anything that might affect my health.

You see, I'm going to grow a NEW internal organ. Haven't thought up a
name for it just yet.

My new organ is going to have three lobes, one purple, one brown, and
one that looks like a bunch of egg yolks enclosed in a meshy gelatinous
sac. Each lobe will be connected to the other with a fine capillary
filled membrane, I think they call that a mesentery.

The purple unit will be connected to a main vein, and it will have a
fine tubular structure, sort of like a kidney. The egg yolks will
secret a special enzyme, which will tell the brain to send more blood to
the area if it isn't getting enough. I've elected to let it throb
occasionally, perhaps swelling a little if it has been deprived lately.

Now, the brown lobe is special. I've wrestled with the various designs
for organs, but in view of the considerable expense, I've decided that
it won't have a bladder. But that doesn't mean this won't be a very
interesting organ!

Indeed, it will communicate to the outside. It will have kind of an
orifice. I think I'll call it a "stoma". However, like your nipples,
it won't necessarily be oozing all day. In order to open up the stomae
(yes, there will be multiple tiny ones), I'll have to take a hot shower
or something. I'm also working on a list of herbs and particular foods
(such as grated cheese, pure vanilla extract, and chervil) that will get
the stomae open in a big hurry in case the secretions build up
uncomfortably. Also working on a special pump to vacuum it out if all
else fails.

The way I've designed it, I've got to empty the new organ of secretions
every three or four days. It's going to be a pretty big organ, too. So
big, in fact, that I will have to design a special garment to support
it. And it's going to have nerves that register discomfort when it is
pressed upon, and the underside of it will get red and chafed on a hot
day as the support garment rides up against its overhang.

I've also made some exciting choices about the secretions. I've elected
to go with a viscous straw colored exudate. Towards the end of the
three day mandatory expulsion period, it will acquire a fishy smell.
This is pretty standard stuff for your average organ. I wanted to be a
little more creative, but the options cost a fortune. If I have a
little money left, I might allow the exudate to spurt, perhaps one or
two centimeters. But right now the plans call for no propulsive
options.

Nor will it exude blood on a cyclical basis. That's awfully damn
expensive because, if you are going to do that, you might as well have
it affect your moods, too, and the wiring costs alone there are
prohibitive.

Oh, yes, I will have to eat a lot of sulfur containing vegetables to
keep it healthy. Things like broccoli and kale. But of course, I won't
eat enough, and when the new organ acts up, I can massage it and
complain about it.

And other people who grow an organ just like mine can tell me that I
ought to eat more broccoli or something to make the troubles go away.
And one day, Paul Harvey can sell me some herbal pills designed to clean
my new organ and keep it vital.

And when finally the thing is schlubbing along, all cleansed and
nourished properly, the new nerves will hook right up to my pleasure
center and I'll feel like a million bucks! I can then sell the design,
train other people to grow a nice one, and start a cooking show and
produce an organ care video for the public schools.

That'll set me well in my retirement. After all, I'll have all the time
in the world to work on these important self improvement projects!

[*]
-----
PS...looking ahead, one of the first things I did was to design a
substance that will positively cure cancer of this organ, should that
occur. A little insurance policy.
I might even tell you what that substance is, one day, if this catches
on.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: nenslo <nenslo@yahooX.com>

idrmrsr wrote:
> I've decided to pass this winter by taking part in some bodily
> improvement. No, not the usual things that might affect my appearance,
> or anything that might affect my health.
>
> You see, I'm going to grow a NEW internal organ. Haven't thought up a
> name for it just yet.

"BRAIN"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "nikolai kingsley" <nikolai@broadway.net.au>

> You see, I'm going to grow a NEW internal organ. Haven't thought up a
> name for it just yet.

is it going to be one of the forbidden organs, that cannot be exposed to
public view, or are you going to wave it at everyone you meet?

nikolai
---
what kind of bandwidth can you get on that thing?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "iDRMRSR" <idrmrsr@subgenius.com>

>>is it going to be one of the forbidden organs, that cannot be exposed to
public view, or are you going to wave it at everyone you meet?

nikolai
<<

Yew have a good point. Well, it's going to cause quite a bulge, and
eventually you will have to go to Targets or something and publicly
buy...and possibly try on...a support garment.

I should think it would be in the category of breasts. Generally covered
except amongst intimates or the old same sex thing in showers and bathrooms.

But the real news is, nobody else has one just yet, so I'm not sure if it is
covered by the same shit as the Original Sin business. I suppose you could
wave it around, as long as you don't splatter fishy smelling exudate on
anyone in the process. Especially keeping it covered at the dinner table.

Well, I mean, G*d had to make all these decisions, no? Funny how he made us
allegedly in his own image yet doesn't abide much by us flashing the
equipment around. And some of us walking on the planet insist on wearing
all kinds of silly hats so he can't even see your head.

I'm pretty sure there's a rule book somewhere for these things. Maybe it's
covered in the ISO-9000 standards for godhood? Course, you don't have that
sort of shit down under, six sigmas and all that quality stuff. Perhaps, if
you don't qualify for ISO-9000, you become a lesser god automatically.

[*]
-----

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Original file name: This Winter's Project.txt - converted on Saturday, 25 September 2004, 02:05