touch me again and I will hurt you

From: "nu-monet v6.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>
Date: Mon, Mar 22, 2004

Klyf Fenderson wrote:
> Dammit. The only supervillian power I have is to
> sweat profusely.

You just haven't found your "inner supervillain."

A "villain quest" begins with the Nenslitic Mantra,
otherwise known as "finding your outer silence."
This is achieved by loudly repeating, over and over,
with increasing volume, your mantra to the stupid
and pestiferous individuals who annoy you:

"Shut up.
Shut up!
SHUT UP.
SHUT UP!
SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!"

It will never shut them up, but it is not for them
in the first place, it is for YOU. Everything you
are doing FOR is FOR YOU. Everyone else you do
you are doing AGAINST.

Slowly you will feel the burning power of hate well
up within you. It comes from deep within your lower
abdomen, from a place called the Turd Chakra. It
gives you the strength to maintain extreme dislike
for an extended period of time. Dislike that can
manifest itself in villainy.

The Turd Chakra is also the seat of Excremeditation,
but only after years of training can you hope to
reach that unidefecation of the Self, the Feces,
and the Joyous Receptacle. That is of the realm of
the Master Overman.

The other Chakras, each in turn, have their purpose
in the development of a supervillain. From lowest
of purpose to highest, they are:

The Fist Chakra, also called the "Instinkfinger"
Chakra, also called the "rectal sphincter."

The Snack Chakra, also called the "Higher Bowel
Movement" Chakra, found at the place where junk
food is rested on the abdomen while reclining
on a sacred easy chair and watching teevee.

The Turd Chakra.

The Farth Chakra. It is the place within us from
where our sacred odors are generated. It is the
Yang to the Yin of the Sniff Chakra, like breathing,
you produce odors in the Farth and you uptake them
through the Sniff. Mastery of this Chakra gives you
the power to make the heads of those who interfere
with you explode.

The Filth Chakra. Truly a place of power, it is the
seat of the necktie, the sacred garment that we use
to prevent flatulence retention. With practice, it
lets you shoot laser beams out of your eyes and
levitate on Wednesdays.

The Sniff Chakra, also known as the "Third Nose",
that is used by SubGenii to detect Farth Chakra
generated Yeti vapours. Supervillains also use the
Third Nose to sense the coming of "good guys" which
reek of the foul odor of the CONSPIRACY. An expert
in the Sniff Chakra can make himself invisible by
directing the attention of others to someone else.

The Xist Chakra is located in the hair of the head,
ears, nose, and eyebrows, and is used only on X-Day
for "Bob" to pull SubGenii and Supervillains up
into the Xist saucers by. This will hurt, but will
be worth it. It may also cause spontaneous combustion,
but that is a small price to pay for ultimate power.

--
"Money can't buy you happiness,
but when you're poor, you can't
buy shit, and nobody will loan
you happiness."
--nu-monet

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Original file name: The Turd Chakra.txt - converted on Saturday, 25 September 2004, 02:05