From: polar bear <bear@pole.com>
Date: Fri, Apr 2, 2004
How far back would you go, and what stuff would you
take along?
(sorry, only one carry-on item per customer)
pb
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Cardinal Vertigo <jhobbs@myrealbox.com>
polar bear wrote:
> How far back would you go, and what stuff would
you take along?
> (sorry, only one carry-on item per customer)
The idea hadn't occurred to me before I read this, but
I'd go back to
five minutes before you posted this and take a handgun
to kill you with.
Not out of any particular aggression or hatred toward
you; just to
create a fun paradox.
--
"A cry in the dark
Disappears into the void
PLONK"
-- Joe Cosby
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: polar bear <bear@pole.com>
You bastard! Here I was thinking of all the fun things
I could do, and
now I have to go back five minutes before you thought
of that and load
your gun with blanks.
pb
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Cardinal Vertigo <jhobbs@myrealbox.com>
Now I'll have to have had to have gone back and killed
you five minutes
before you would have otherwise left to have tampered
with my weapon.
This is tedious. Call it a draw? The verb tenses are a bitch, too.
--
"There is no reason to count over
1,000,000 except for money."
-- nu-monet v6.0
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: polar bear <bear@pole.com>
They're even worse in French. OK, now that's settled
I can start
thinking of where to go. I don't want to go too far
back or there
won't be any antibiotics or deodorant. Maybe Dallas
1963, but with
time machines available, that grassy knoll would be
awful crowded.
I suppose I could try and take out Hitler, but that
probably wouldn't
change much. Another one would just spring up in his
place. Hitlers
are like that. Maybe I'll go back to 1960 and start
a rock and roll
group. I could call it The Beatles!
pb
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "Dunter Powries" <fech.redcaps@spedlin>
I already did that.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: bobdiddley@aol.com (Bobdiddley)
Polar Bear asked the musical question:
>How far back would you go, and what stuff would
you take along?
>(sorry, only one carry-on item per customer)
I'd go back to about 0 AD/BC, and go watch the doozers
building the mounds
along the Scioto and Ohio Rivers. I'd take along a "Bob"
effigy pipe stuffed
with 'frop, because they were apparently toking near-death
tobacco, and I think
they could do some better with 'frop.
======================================================
"Of course I'm depressed; what do you think I am,
stupid?" - Robert Quine,
guitarist
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "ghost" <ghost@ghost.net>
"polar bear" <bear@pole.com> wrote in
message
news:020420041244168909%bear@pole.com...
> How far back would you go, and what stuff would
you take along?
> (sorry, only one carry-on item per customer)
>
> pb
I'd go back and find the fucker who built the time machine
and make him
build it so it would work forward too.
And I'd take a cat.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: El Queso <the_cheese_23nospam@yahoo.com>
Peteronimus?
Queso
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "Dunter Powries" <fech.redcaps@spedlin>
polar bear <bear@pole.com> wrote in message
news:020420041244168909%bear@pole.com...
> How far back would you go, and what stuff would
you take along?
> (sorry, only one carry-on item per customer)
I'd go to next week BUT (and this is the clever part)
I wouldn't do it until
the WEEK AFTER NEXT! I'd bring a clean pair of underwear,
in case I
stepped out in front of a bus or a tiger or something.
No, no, no, no, wait a minute; I changed my mind!
I'd go back to 1975. I'd want a penis at least twice
as big as the one I
had LAST TIME I was fifteen, for sure. I'd study hard
this time and just
say 'no' more often. I'd bring today's Wall Street
Journal and a heightened
appreciation for my classmates' mothers.
Dunty Porteous,
Human Sacrifice
--
For the first time ever, everything is in place for
the Battle of Armageddon
and the Second Coming of Christ.
-Ronald Reagan
"Oh great nu-monet, demon of the seventh pit of
Gnarrrath-Xpltl, help me get
laid!"
-John H. Schneider II
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: El Queso <the_cheese_23nospam@yahoo.com>
polar bear wrote:
> How far back would you go, and what stuff would
you take along?
> (sorry, only one carry-on item per customer)
>
> pb
I'd go back to ancient Greece and destroy the collected
writings of
Aristotle (and murder him, leaving the words "excluded
middle" tatoo'd
on his corpse in Greek) and replace them with a copy
of the Illuminatus
trilogy and the Book of the Subgenius.
Queso
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: wbarwell <wbarwell@munnnged.mylinuxisp.com>
El Queso wrote:
> polar bear wrote:
>
>> How far back would you go, and what stuff would
you take along?
>> (sorry, only one carry-on item per customer)
>>
>> pb
>
>
> I'd go back to ancient Greece and destroy the collected
writings of
> Aristotle (and murder him, leaving the words "excluded
middle" tatoo'd
> on his corpse in Greek) and replace them with a
copy of the Illuminatus
> trilogy and the Book of the Subgenius.
> Queso
No, take out Plato. He was worse, he was responsible
for more nonsense
than anybody since somebody collected what we now call
the Old Testament
from dribs and drabs of nonsense.
Better yet, take a mini-nuke along and take out Jerusalem
just after the fanatics arrive from Babylon thanks to
Cyrus the Mede.
That would save a lot of people a lot of trouble.
--
"I was not prepared to shoot my eardrum out with
a shotgun
in order to get a deferment. Nor was I willing to go
to
Canada. So I chose to better myself and learn to
fly airplanes."
- George W. Bush May 1984 to the Houston Chronicle
Cheerful Charlie
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "nu-monet v6.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>
wbarwell wrote:
> El Queso wrote:
>
> > I'd go back to ancient Greece and destroy
> > the collected writings of Aristotle...
>
> No, take out Plato.
No matter what you do, you just make matters
worse. If you take out either of them, you
end up with hundreds of thousands of British
schoolboys indoctrinated with the works of
any number of horrid Greco-Roman sods:
http://classics.mit.edu/Browse/index.html
This makes the British Empire even freakier
and nastier than it was. In some cases, you
history-tweakers, then it STILL IS.
Besides, as part of our planetary dehumanization
project, we've already eradicated thousands of
these smarmy bastards and reduced the merehumes
from well over 18 billion to about a third of
that. If we try to jigger it any more we start
losing those priceless and irreplaceable Yeti
chromosomes.
So get authorization of Time Control Central
before you go gallavanting off in future. Or
the past. What have you.
--
Two headed people are the future.
Get used to it, single head.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Cardinal Vertigo <jhobbs@myrealbox.com>
I just saw The Butterfly Effect last night, so it learnt
me not t' go
fuckin' 'round like that.
--
"A cry in the dark
Disappears into the void
PLONK"
-- Joe Cosby
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "nu-monet v6.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>
No, *this* time you saw The Butterfly Effect.
Last time you didn't, and it took weeks to get
things straightened out.
Lucky for you that you have to be in attendance
on X-Day, or it would have been the history
eraser button for you.
--
"Mars was destroyed with weapons from the future.
There, does that make you feel any better?"
-- nu-monet
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Father Haskell <FraHaskell@mayfield.edu>
polar bear wrote:
> How far back would you go, and what stuff would
you take along?
> (sorry, only one carry-on item per customer)
I'd bring another time machine that only worked in reverse.
Stuck
inside the first time machine, it would move forwards.
You're welcome.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: hellpopehuey@subgenius.com (HellPopeHuey)
polar bear <bear@pole.com> wrote:
> How far back would you go, and what stuff would
you take along?
> (sorry, only one carry-on item per customer)
I'd go back and bump off Dudley Do-Right, Snidely Whiplash
AND that
horse so I could fuck Nell with no foolish interruptions.
--
HellPope Huey
Now 30% less stank!
The great clown Emmett Kelly
swept up a spotlight with a broom;
Charlie Manson created one with his insanity.
"Bob" creates Klieg bulbs with his Pipe
the same way a child makes soap bubbles
in the yard with a plastic ring.
Thus we keep Church and state separate with a slapstick.
"I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter,
the sound of which has always seemed to me
the most civilised music in the world."
- Peter Ustinov
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: polar bear <bear@pole.com>
hellpopehuey@subgenius.com (HellPopeHuey) wrote:
> polar bear <bear@pole.com> wrote:
>
> > How far back would you go, and what stuff
would you take along?
> > (sorry, only one carry-on item per customer)
>
> I'd go back and bump off Dudley Do-Right, Snidely
Whiplash AND that
> horse so I could fuck Nell with no foolish interruptions.
Oh Yeah? Well I'd go back to 1,000,000 BC and bone
Rachel Welch, and
when I was done with her, I'd have a three-way with
Wilma Flintstone
and Betty Rubble.
pb
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Joe Cosby <joecosby@SPAMBLOCKmindspring.com>
Not RACHEL Welch, dammit, it's RACHEL Welch!
--
Joe Cosby
http://joecosby.com/
Are you a cop? Freddie Mercury called; he wants his
mustache back
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Joe Cosby <joecosby@SPAMBLOCKmindspring.com>
DAMN
no it's just not funny when I do it.
--
Joe Cosby
http://joecosby.com/
Are you a cop? Freddie Mercury called; he wants his
mustache back
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: nenslo <nenslo@yahoox.com>
polar bear wrote:
> How far back would you go, and what stuff would
you take along?
> (sorry, only one carry-on item per customer)
>
> pb
I'd go back to NOW.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Joe Cosby <joecosby@SPAMBLOCKmindspring.com>
You'd miss.
--
Joe Cosby
http://joecosby.com/
I had a co-worker pestering me today, asking me if I
was going
to wear something green for St. Patty's day. I finally
told 'em,
"Yeah. I'm not going to brush my teeth tonight
or tomorrow."
-- Artemia Salina
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "nu-monet v6.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>
nenslo wrote:
> I'd go back to NOW.
Ah yes, a self-reflective moment:
What if you like get yourself really drunk at some
dive bar, then take yourself back to your place
with the idea of "looking at your etchings."
But
once you're inside, you become another person, with
a wild, crazed look in your eyes. And as much as
you try to resist, you tear your clothes off and
throw yourself across your bed, giving yourself wet,
sloppy drunk kisses as you start to scream "No!
No!"
But it's too late! You whip out your engorged and
throbbing cock and shove it into your mouth, making
you gag. After minutes of choking and gagging as it
is rammed down your throat to the hilt, you suddenly
pull your disgusting filthy dick out of your mouth
and spurt an enormous load of hot spunk all over your
face as you collapse backwards on the bed, trying to
catch your breath.
But you're not done yet! You roll yourself over and
pin your arm behind your back. Now what could you
be doing, you think? And then suddenly you realize--
Oh No!--a moment before you shove that still rigid
prick right up your asshole! You almost pass out
from the pain as you ram that sucker in and out, over
and over again! But your body seems to have a mind
of
its own and in the middle of the brutal ass fucking
you suddenly start to have an explosive orgasm! You
really turn into an animal at that point and start
ramming that vicious cock so deep that you think it
will tear your ass in half. But you don't care, your
ass is on fire and you are coming like an animal. A
disgusting, filthy animal. Coming over and over again.
Then, with one final shudder, you pull out. Looking
in the ceiling mirror at the disgusting crumpled heap
on the bed you just feel repelled. What a pig. How
low have you sunk to fuck something so grotesque?
You think back to when you were in high school. Man,
you were a hottie then, and a real conquest if you
could so much as get a hand job out of yourself while
at a drive-in movie. But nowadays, thinking about the
old and wrinkled bag of blood and shit you just fucked
makes you want to throw up. Saggy everything that will
just lie there for a while then start weeping and you
will finally gather your clothes together and catch
a
taxi back to the bar.
(I guess this works for either one or two of you.)
--
"YOU BELONG TO US NOW!"
"GET DOWN WITH MY SICKNESS!!"
--Kino Beman, brand name
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "nikolai kingsley" <nikolai@broadway.net.au>
> How far back would you go, and what stuff would
you take along?
> (sorry, only one carry-on item per customer)
i'd go back to pre-Cambrian times - say, around 600 million years back.
and i'd take a handful of marijuana seeds with me.
nikolai
--
and then i'd come back to the present
and find that mankind had been replaced
with a civilisation of intelligent
dope plants that lounged around all day
SMOKING HIPPIES.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgeniusNOSPUM.com>
This whole thread -- when it began, I started trying
to think of
something clever, but Vertigo had already posted it,
and better anyway.
(I didn't Just Say No enough.) And I thought, oh man,
this thread has
the potential to turn into a KEEN SCRIPT... for SOMETHING...
IF I DON'T
FUCK WITH IT! I just had that feeling. I watched it
grow day by day,
without looking at any of the posts. Watching it RIPEN.
I could SMELL
it. My reward would be reading the whole thread at once,
during The
Culling.
I was right!
But then/previously, some alt.slack LURKER read it,
and went back in
time to make "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure,"
god damn it.
Spoiled/will-spoil the whole thing for everybody, although
it
WAS/still-is Keanu's best movie. ("The Matrix"
had been his best movie,
but the sequels voyaged back in time and fucked it up
permanently.)
--
4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath
of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected (Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
PRABOB
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: polar bear <bear@pole.com>
"Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgeniusNOSPUM.com>
wrote:
> This whole thread -- when it began, I started trying
to think of
> something clever, but Vertigo had already posted
it, and better anyway.
> (I didn't Just Say No enough.) And I thought,
oh man, this thread has
> the potential to turn into a KEEN SCRIPT... for
SOMETHING... IF I DON'T
> FUCK WITH IT! I just had that feeling. I watched
it grow day by day,
> without looking at any of the posts. Watching it
RIPEN. I could SMELL
> it. My reward would be reading the whole thread
at once, during The
> Culling.
>
> I was right!
>
> But then/previously, some alt.slack LURKER read
it, and went back in
> time to make "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure,"
god damn it.
> Spoiled/will-spoil the whole thing for everybody,
although it
> WAS/still-is Keanu's best movie. ("The Matrix"
had been his best movie,
> but the sequels voyaged back in time and fucked
it up permanently.)
You think time travel is exciting when it's just one
guy with a time
machine? Wait until they're as common as Honda Civics!
pb
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Cardinal Vertigo <jhobbs@myrealbox.com>
nenslo wrote:
> What I think is this - a regular time machine,
you can travel to the
> past or the future with it, but a time machine
that only works in
> reverse you can only travel FROM the past or future.
That's why I would
> travel to NOW, because that's all you COULD do.
And that's without even thinking.
Einstein said all you have to do is hold perfectly still
and you'll be
traveling through time at the speed of light.
--
"A cry in the dark
Disappears into the void
PLONK"
-- Joe Cosby
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgeniusNOSPUM.com>
No, you could only travel FROM now TO the past. That
past would then
become YOUR Now. OH, now I see what you mean. That's
cute. Because YOU
would no longer CALL it "the past, " it would
be your new Now. That's
not what the question was about, but it is a CUTE way
to answer another
question as if it was the one that had been asked.
> That's why I would
> travel to NOW, because that's all you COULD do.
And that's without even thinking.
Right, no thinking, just turn the Cute knob up to 10.
CHEATER.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgeniusNOSPUM.com>
HellPopeHuey <hellpopehuey@subgenius.com> wrote:
> nenslo <nenslo@yahoox.com> wrote:
>
> > What I think is this - a regular time machine,
you can travel to the
> > past or the future with it, but a time machine
that only works in
> > reverse you can only travel FROM the past
or future. That's why I would
> > travel to NOW, because that's all you COULD
do. And that's without even
> > thinking.
>
> If I had a proper time machine, I'd go back, give
Bob Dean's daddy a
> vasectomy with a strategically-placed Bouncing
Betty mine before he
> knocked up Dean's wretched mother, return here
armed with singular,
> paradoxical knowledge born of my personal pinched-off
segment of
> previous, unmanipulated time-stream and beam at
how much less
> worry-lined Stang's face would be. Then I'd do
it to Hardly,
> regurgjieff and a small horde of others I "hate"
until I finally
> fucked it up so badly, I came back and everyone
was intelligent
> dinosaurs because I stepped on too many key butterflies.
That's how it
> goes, ayuh.
Speak for yourself, my friend. Bob Dean does not "worry"
me and I don't
"hate" the other retards, not even in quotes.
They certainly do bother
me, but not in the way one might think.
What I hate is how the Church of the SubGenius sometimes
DOES make some
people's heads explode in just the WRONG WAY.
It FIGURES that something created by "Bob"
would do that, sure. But my
worry is that it'll just get better at doing that, unleashing
three
permanent assholes for every one True Beautant it temporarily
inspires.
Oh, it's not really THAT BAD, it just SEEMS that way
on my end, when I
open alt.slack and there appear to be these HUMAN OPEN
WOUNDS festering
here and there on it. Believers who short-circuited
when they saw Part
Two of "Bob's" Important Message, and their
Part One Parts got
infected. Grosses me out.
However, last night, using my time machine, I sorted
ALL the a.b.s. art
from November to Now, and separated out certain categories,
and today
I'm gonna go through it one more time to prep it for
SubSITE and also
pick which ones to use for which CD covers. Believe
me, while I'm
slide-showing through all that unbefuckinglievable artwork,
I won't
feel surrounded by kooks and fuckwads. I'll feel like
the luckiest son
of a bitch in the Dobbstown red light district. Sort
of like on the
days when I sit down to throw an Hour of Slack together
from the killer
shit that spews out of a.b.s. like from a murderously
diarrhetic
firehose. Or the days when I deposit the swag $. Heck,
even devivals
and X-Day Drills have become FUN, even for ME, because
we've gotten so
good at nonviolently driving the worst assholes away,
or at least into
"alt.slack woods" for the duration.
Plus, the sick cruel 12 year old boy part of me ENJOYS
watching these
yoyos get all agitated. It's only the nice kindly patient
grandpappy-like 50 year old part that shudders in horror
at them. In
fact sometimes I've been known to agravate them when
I really
shouldn't. But to tell the truth, alt.slack can get
kind of boring
between kook-rashes, and in my OWN assholiness, I deliberately
poke
them. Nobody's perfect. (( Cue Dwight Frye "Renfield"
laugh.))
For my part, I still maintain that I myself am merely
an average
hard-working B-1 Level Kook like most SubGeniuses, PLAYING
a B-4 Level
Super-Kook for religious satire product sales purposes,
and not an
actual B-3 Level Kook masquerading as a B-1 playing
a B-4, as some
paranoid people would have you believe. At least I'm
PRETTY sure of
that. I may be an Emergentile, but there's nothing wrong
with that.
"Bob" loves the Emergentiles too. If fact
if it wasn't for us
Emergentiles, the Rewardians would have all starved
to death and died
out centuries ago. But then we Emergentiles would have
had no one left
to fuck, but each other.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "Dunter Powries" <fech.redcaps@spedlin>
If I thought you were talking about ME, and if I weren't
so lazy and fucked
up in the head... oooooh! There's something shiny!
Original file name: Warned at Work Pt. 2#1AD0F3.txt - converted on Saturday, 25 September 2004, 02:05
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