Dear SubGenius Real Estate Agent

From: "Dunter Powries" <fech.redcaps@spedlin>
Date: Tue, Mar 30, 2004

I've been trying to sell my house since last summer. Recently my wife
ordered a statue of St. Joseph and it arrived in the mail this morning.
Unfortunately, my wife is away on a business trip and there were no
instructions included with the statue concerning how it should be best
employed. A quick Google search yielded much conflicting advice.

How should our statue of St. Joseph be situated in order to achieve optimum
results? What SORTS of results should I expect? I'm worried that my
four-year old will suddenly start channeling dead Jews. Also, are there any
other saints I should be burying about the premises such as Saint Vinny the
Arsonist or the patron saints of carpenter ants and sinkholes?

Any advice you can provide on this regard will be very much appreciated.

Dunty Porteous,
Human Sacrifice

--
"That's where I saw the leprechaun! He told me to burn things."
-Ralph Wiggum

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "nu-monet v6.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>

Dunter Powries wrote:
> How should our statue of St. Joseph be situated
> in order to achieve optimum results?

You are obviously not hoping to sell to rocket
scientists, so why not go for the gold?

Mix a small quantity of shiny metallic silver
paint with paint thinner in a 1 part paint to
10 parts thinner mixture. You should be able
to paint something that won't really look like
it's been painted, except in the right light.

Then do a vague portrait of the Virgin Mary
on the side of your house, high up, about
3'x4' in dimension. Use some Virgin Mary
picture as a guide. You want it beyond arms'
reach.

Then mention "the appearance" to some gullible
Catholics, as in "I am thinking about selling
my house, and as soon as I put a statue of
St. Joseph on my front yard, an image of the
VIRGIN MARY appeared on the side of my house!
You can ONLY SEE IT at EXACTLY 6:17pm, and I
think I can see it, but some FRIENDS OF MINE
who GO TO CHURCH ALL THE TIME, say that they
can SEE HER, and ONE OF THEM says she is
SMILING, but I CAN'T TELL!"

"Gee, I don't know if I should sell my house
anymore. Maybe it means I should only sell it
to a GOOD CATHOLIC? WHAT DO YOU THINK?"

The operable word here is "think". They won't,
hopefully. And hopefully else they will blab
it around to the other suckers, ONE or MORE of
whom might have enough cash to buy that sucker,
especially if you mumble something about hiking
the price because THE HOUSE MIGHT BE BLESSED.

If they just show up and want to gawk, start
the rumor that you are disappointed because
you can't see it, and if people keep coming just
to look, and nobody wants to buy, it would
probably be best if you just PAINTED IT OVER.

Get THEM out there beating the drum for a
buyer for YOU.

--
Rev. nu-monet
Founder and High Priest
Church of Kali, U.S.A. (Reformed)

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Original file name: Dear SubGenius Real #1AD0D5.txt - converted on Saturday, 25 September 2004, 02:05