Subject: Dear Subgenius Advice for New Gods Person

From: glassgnost <glassgnost@nospam.sbcglobal.net>
Date: Wed, Jul 14, 2004

I've recently been declared God by a chinese fortune cookie.

Now what?

--
Mystical RevvedErrand Doktor glassnost
the furious, mysterious and oh so serious
Seer of the r-r-r-Reeking Taco of Destiny

The world is full of Kings and Queens
Who blind your eyes and steal your dreams
It's Heaven and Hell -- Black Sabbath

If there's a new way I'll be the first in line
It better work this time -- Megadeth

Stick around while the clown who is sick
does the trick of disaster -- Neil Young

http://www.subgenius.com

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From: Cardinal Vertigo <vertigo@alexandria.cc>

Just remember who was there for you before you were a star, bro.

--
"There are no whole truths: all truths are half-truths. It is trying
to treat them as whole truths that plays the devil."
- Alfred North Whitehead

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From: El Queso <the_cheese_23nospam@yahoo.com>

Add "in bed" like you should with all fortune cookie proclamations. Now
go FUCK something, you dirty sex-god!
Queso

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From: Joe Cosby <http://joecosby.com/code/mail.pl>

It's true. You ARE the god of that fortune cookie.

Don't eat it, be a kind and loving God.

--
Joe Cosby
http://joecosby.com/
"Hell of a thing, killin' a man. Take away all he's got and all he's ever gonna have."
"Yeah, well, I guess he had it comin'."
"We all got it comin', kid."

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From: "Rev. ErRoR" <error@priest.SPAMcom>

If you were truly a God you would KNOW what to do.

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From: "nu-monet v7.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>

Well, actually, you've probably been declared
*a* "god", with a small "g". This just places
you out of the realm of merehumes and in with
the other gods.

The biggest change in your life will probably
be your needing to change your business cards
and your Internet information, to reflect your
new status. You no longer have to have it on
your California drivers license.

Being a god conveys powers, not money, so you
will prolly still have to work or sponge for a
living. The gods of money still pretty much
have a lock on the market, and it's not worth
it to join them and look like Gollum in an
expensive suit, just so you can eat caviar with
cream sauce and endangered mammal fetus for
breakfast, while watching G8 protestors being
beaten by the local gendarmes.

You *do* need to find out what your powers are,
however, if for no other reason than to avoid
some faux pas at Sears that will get you arrested.

It's polite when visiting with other gods on their
turf, to take a subordinate role to whatever they
are and are doing. For example, if you visit one
of the gods of the deep South, you can be amazed
if they offer you a place on the sofa so you can
watch a professional wrestling on the teevee, but
only if you bring the beer. Don't, however, offer
to change the channel to PBS, unless you want to
re-enact "Clash of the Titans".

Few gods are actually immortal, or want to be,
and after a brief period of excess just want to
chill out. In many ways, using your powers is
like masturbating: a quick and easy spurt that
doesn't accomplish a hell of a lot, makes your
hand sticky, leaves you with lingering doubts
and anxiety, and is not something you want to
discuss a lot with your parents.

Goddesses are still female, and you know what
*that* means.

Perhaps the biggest laugh is that a lot of the
gods are still religious. Don't bother to debate
them about it, as they prefer to unthinkingly
believe, just like the merehumes.

Oh, yes, and do remember to change your USENET
sig.

--
Rev. nu-monet
Founder and High Priest
Church of Kali, U.S.A. (Reformed)

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Original file name: Dear Subgenius Advic#1AD0E0.txt - converted on Saturday, 25 September 2004, 02:05