From: beefjerkyisgood@hotmail.com (Paul Casino)
Date: Tue, Aug 3, 2004
I was reading the Prescriptures the other night out
of sheer boredom.
For me, they have always been the most difficult to
comprehend part of
out dogma. (Not that the rest of this shit is a walk
in the park...)
Soon it struck me: I have no idea what the hell these
things are
talking about. None whatsoever. I read them, I hear
the voice of
Charlie Brown's Teacher in my mind. And I decided right
then and there
to do something about that.
What follows is the first in a continuing series of
my own humble
attempts to make some sense of the Church's Prescriptures.
It will be
an effort to FORCE some sort of meaning and direction
on what has too
often been perceived as meaningless and directionless
rambling from an
alien intellegence.
Before dwelling on the passages themselves, let's take
a moment to
look at the word. "PRESCRIPTURES". Much like
how the word "SubGenius"
is often mistaken to mean "Below Genius Level",
"Prescripture" is
often taken to mean "Before Scriptures" or
"Early Scriptures". This is
not the case. Never think it.
It should be fairly obvious to even a child with down
syndrome that
the word "Prescripture" is the result of the
Church's early
experiments in strange syllabic bonding exercises. (Excremeditation
and Morealism are other early examples.) The two root
words in
question are "prescription" and "scripture".
Let's get a closer look
at one of them:
The dictionary defines "Prescription" in a number of ways:
1.) The art of establishing official rules, laws or
directions.
Ah, this fits the bill perfectly. It therefore MUST
be wrong.
2.) A written order for the preparation and administration
of a
medication or other treatment.
And now the connections begin to flow like so much raw
sewage. This is
the definition of the word that most of us are most
familiar with. It
describes an ordinary piece of paper, nothing more.
Simple. Mundane.
Normal, even. The paper contains writing, and at first
glance, it may
seem very much like the insane scrawling of a diseased
mind.
Unintelligible. Frustrating. An archaic code, perhaps?
Or a long dead
language used only by those in the medical community?
Yet, with close
concentration and attention to detail, the message CAN
BE UNDERSTOOD.
It just takes some work on your own part.
Now, if you are in possession of this banal slip of
paper with the
correct key words, phrases and numeric (or numerological)
sigils, you
are then entitled to PILS, which, with your insurance,
can be obtained
at the local chemist for a small co-pay. (In this case,
$30 in a
S.A.S.E. to P.O. Box 204206, Austin, TX 78720-4206 )
That's right,
PILS that will FIX whatever the hell your goddamn problem
is no matter
WHAT.
You're depressed?
Cheer up Robert Smith, we've got PILS for that.
Suffering from anxiety attacks?
Say "Fuck it" and mellow out with some PILS.
You're too fat, you say?
Well we've got PILS that will make you drop that weight
faster than a
Tijuana crack whore.
Or perhaps you're bored?
We've got the kind of PILS that will fill your frontal
lobe with so
much complete and utter bullshit that you can just close
them eyes and
watch the most entertaining shit EVER play across your
mind's eye.
Too stupid for your own good?
A couple of Smart PILS will fix you right up.
Too smart for your own good?
These babies right here (*shakes bottle*) will make
you not only
stupid, but slow.
Got the limp-dick?
We've got special PILS that will make your Vienna sausage
into a
twelve inch monument to testosterone, with enough sheer
POWER and
GIRTH to knock a hole in a three foot concrete wall
with one mighty
swing. "More THEM kind PILS, "Bob"!"
said the man.
So, to recap: A "prescription" is a piece
of ordinary paper that can
fix problems you didn't even know that you had in the
first place. Not
unlike the Prescriptures themselves! On each seemingly
docile and
flimsy page of "ordinary" paper lies an incomprehensible
mess of verbs
and nouns haphazardly constructed into sentences and
sentence
fragments that YOU MUST DECIPHER, for the paper is not
the cure, it is
only the WAY to the cure.
So, ask your Doktor about The Prescriptures today, or
ask him to kill
you. Either way, your problems are over.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "HdMrs. Salacia the Overseer" <SeventhSqueal@SlowOnTheUptake.edu>
Dude.
You spent a lot of time on that.
Excuse me for getting zen on your ass, but in your case
I suggest you burn
the holy book for warmth.
Sincerely,
Salacia
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "ArWeGod" <ArWeGod?@sbcglobal.net>
"HdMrs. Salacia the Overseer" <SeventhSqueal@SlowOnTheUptake.edu>
wrote:
> Excuse me for getting zen on your ass, but
Stop it; you're turning me on!
--
ArWeZenitized
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: polar bear <bear@pole.com>
beefjerkyisgood@hotmail.com (Paul Casino) wrote:
> I was reading the Prescriptures the other night
out of sheer boredom.
> For me, they have always been the most difficult
to comprehend part of
> out dogma. (Not that the rest of this shit is a
walk in the park...)
> Soon it struck me: I have no idea what the hell
these things are
> talking about. None whatsoever. I read them, I
hear the voice of
> Charlie Brown's Teacher in my mind. And I decided
right then and there
> to do something about that.
>
> What follows is the first in a continuing series
of my own humble
> attempts to make some sense of the Church's Prescriptures.
It will be
> an effort to FORCE some sort of meaning and direction
on what has too
> often been perceived as meaningless and directionless
rambling from an
> alien intellegence.
snip
of course you're assuming this stuff lends itself to
rational analysis - a bit of a stretch if you ask me.
pb
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