What're YOU going to pack?

From: idrmrsr <idrmrsr@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Wed, Feb 12, 2003 9:18 PM

I'm sitting here thinking, what things I would need to survive the first
72 hours after an attack of some kind. From a SubGenius perspective,
that is.

But I'm having trouble deciding. One thing for sure, rubber gloves and
a 72 hour supply of AstroGlide. That's easy.

Next, I'm not sure. I could go the nylons/chocolate/prophylactics
route, but that's kind of WW II if you know what I mean. I wanted to
grow up like my Dad but not BE my dad, you know.

I also thought high tech, stocking up on all kinds of batteries,
especially those funny Type J and lithium kinds. And making a poster,
Batteries for BlowJobs. I figure, somebody needing a Type J would be
good for about 5 no hands/swallows. I mean they are almost $15 in the
stores, but if you need one, certainly it will be far down on the list
of things they start making when the plants are rebuilt.

Cans of spray cheese, too. One or two of them a day would be a rather
balanced diet providing electrolytes and fat for energy, and plenty of
protein and calcium for muscles and bones. Probably a dozen of each
flavor, though to be honest I can't tell the difference between just
Cheddar and Sharp Cheddar.

I figure any sort of disruption means we will be without power for quite
some time. Here in Cleveland, that means freezing to death for the near
term.

The good part is, I was born in 1949. I have some inkling what people
used to do with themselves before the advent of digital television, how
they amused themselves by taking hours to cook full meals without
microwaves each and every day starting with the basic ingredients.
Prior to Pizza Hut and MacDonalds, too. Even prior to TV dinners. I
even remember "gravity furnaces" that burned coal...no blowers.

If only I could remember some of that, I could stock up on just the
right things to capitalize after the next big hit. Come to think of it,
when my gramma passed away, she left behind a lot of 1950's cook books
and things. You know, stuff to do in the houses of the day that had
like one electrical outlet in each room with a lamp plugged in. That
could be key to your survival during the war!

So, come see me after. I might just have what you need here. We can
negotiate the sex acts at that time. I might even offer an EZ pay plan!

[*]
-----

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Joe Cosby <joecosby@SPAMBLOCKmindspring.com>

On Wed, 12 Feb 2003 21:18:22 -0500, idrmrsr <idrmrsr@subgenius.com>
wrote:

>I'm sitting here thinking, what things I would need to survive the first
>72 hours after an attack of some kind. From a SubGenius perspective,
>that is.
>
>But I'm having trouble deciding. One thing for sure, rubber gloves and
>a 72 hour supply of AstroGlide. That's easy.
>
>Next, I'm not sure. I could go the nylons/chocolate/prophylactics
>route, but that's kind of WW II if you know what I mean. I wanted to
>grow up like my Dad but not BE my dad, you know.
>
>I also thought high tech, stocking up on all kinds of batteries,
>especially those funny Type J and lithium kinds. And making a poster,
>Batteries for BlowJobs. I figure, somebody needing a Type J would be
>good for about 5 no hands/swallows. I mean they are almost $15 in the
>stores, but if you need one, certainly it will be far down on the list
>of things they start making when the plants are rebuilt.
>
>Cans of spray cheese, too. One or two of them a day would be a rather
>balanced diet providing electrolytes and fat for energy, and plenty of
>protein and calcium for muscles and bones. Probably a dozen of each
>flavor, though to be honest I can't tell the difference between just
>Cheddar and Sharp Cheddar.
>
>I figure any sort of disruption means we will be without power for quite
>some time. Here in Cleveland, that means freezing to death for the near
>term.
>
>The good part is, I was born in 1949. I have some inkling what people
>used to do with themselves before the advent of digital television, how
>they amused themselves by taking hours to cook full meals without
>microwaves each and every day starting with the basic ingredients.
>Prior to Pizza Hut and MacDonalds, too. Even prior to TV dinners. I
>even remember "gravity furnaces" that burned coal...no blowers.
>
>If only I could remember some of that, I could stock up on just the
>right things to capitalize after the next big hit. Come to think of it,
>when my gramma passed away, she left behind a lot of 1950's cook books
>and things. You know, stuff to do in the houses of the day that had
>like one electrical outlet in each room with a lamp plugged in. That
>could be key to your survival during the war!
>
>So, come see me after. I might just have what you need here. We can
>negotiate the sex acts at that time. I might even offer an EZ pay plan!
>
>[*]
>-----
>

Damn you have really gone into detail. My survival kit just contains
a spare credit card and some batteries. Do you think that would be
enough?

I mean, if I have the batteries then I should be able to make the
credit card work, right?

--
Joe Cosby
http://joecosby.home.mindspring.com

West Bank to be redeveloped as Palestinian Heritage Theme Park.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "nu-monet v5.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>

idrmrsr wrote:
>
> I'm sitting here thinking, what things I would need
> to survive the first 72 hours after an attack of some
> kind. From a SubGenius perspective,
> that is.
>

Turn off all lights and a-c or heat, but leave
other ordinary appliances on. Put a big bucket
in the center of the floor to piss and poop in.
Pile up a big pile of junk food and drinks there
too. Keep a loaded shotgun available. Take
several really powerful sleeping pills and take
a long freaking nap.

If someone bursts through the door, shoot them
with the shotgun. Otherwise, unless you wake up
dead then fuck it, you gotta 99% chance of getting
out with yer skin.

--
"YOU BELONG TO US NOW!"
"GET DOWN WITH MY SICKNESS!!"

--Kino Beman, brand name

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "NeuroManson" <moc.ibtta@dogegoops>

I'd stock Steel Reserve beer and frop, a combination like that would scare
any biological weaponized organism into not only giving up on killing me,
but would whip them into line and force them to obey ME.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "Artemia Salina" <y2k@sheayright.com>

On Wed, 12 Feb 2003 21:18:22 -0500, idrmrsr wrote:

> I'm sitting here thinking, what things I would need to survive the first
> 72 hours after an attack of some kind. From a SubGenius perspective,
> that is.

[snip]

> If only I could remember some of that, I could stock up on just the
> right things to capitalize after the next big hit. Come to think of it,
> when my gramma passed away, she left behind a lot of 1950's cook books
> and things. You know, stuff to do in the houses of the day that had
> like one electrical outlet in each room with a lamp plugged in. That
> could be key to your survival during the war!

I'll want a generator, an LP gas stove, lots of folding chairs,
a bunch of TV sets, and an egg timer.

See, I figure to cash in after all of the destruction, and I know that it
won't be long until the survivors will start clamoring for their Jerry
Springer and hamburger fixes, so I plan to have the first operational
Television Cafe in the aftermath. I figure $5.00 per minute of TV watching
time, and $10.00 per hamburger is reasonable, even if there's nothing on
the air but static and I have a strict BYOC (Bring Your Own Condiments)
policy.

Oh yeah, since I anticipate prolonged water shortages, I'll have to stock
up on perfume and handkerchiefs, too.

--
Hellpope Huey on NENSLO: He's the black-ops Elephant Man of the Mensa set.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Modemac <modemac@modemac.com>

1 .45 automatic.
2 boxes of ammunition.
4 days' concentrated emergency rations.
1 drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep
pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills.
1 miniature combination Qur'an and Bible.
100 dollars in American currency.
100 dollars in gold.
9 packs of chewing gum.
1 issue of prophylactics.
3 lipsticks.
3 pairs of nylon stockings.

--
First Online Church of "Bob"
http://www.modemac.com/

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>

In article <32sm4vccohot9kovqvq1im62i88ppv4lac@4ax.com>, Modemac
<modemac@modemac.com> wrote:

> 1 .45 automatic.
> 2 boxes of ammunition.
> 4 days' concentrated emergency rations.
> 1 drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep
> pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills.
> 1 miniature combination Qur'an and Bible.
> 100 dollars in American currency.
> 100 dollars in gold.
> 9 packs of chewing gum.
> 1 issue of prophylactics.
> 3 lipsticks.
> 3 pairs of nylon stockings.

ARF ARF ARF

With all that stuff, you could have a hell of a weekend in Dallas.

(I know, I know, it originally said Las Vegas, but actually, it
ORIGINALLY said Dallas, but they had to come in and overdub "Las Vegas"
because the Kennedy assassination had just happened in Dallas and the
joke was thus befouled, or rather, diverted.)

There's so much fucking snow outside in Cleveland right now that if I
went out to try to get gas bomb survival supplies, I'd probably get
killed.

Besides, everybody here ALREADY has their doors and windows covered
with drop cloths and duct tape all winter long, anyway, don't they? Not
to mention those things called "STORM WINDOWS." I already had my
chimney barricaded against Red and Red-Nosed invaders from the skies.

And I'm sure all those candy bars and canned beans down there in the
basement, left over from the Y2K scare, are still perfectly good.

I gotta admit, night before last, I was kept awake by the extremely
high wind outside that accompanied the cold front, and the news of East
Coast people running around all panicky, thus putting the hair trigger
to the big guns. Visions of fucked up Americans and vastly more fucked
up Iraqis kept dancing in my head. I know better than to let this stuff
get to me and thus you see me here still whittling and frittering. But
it's sure bringing the crazies out. I'm still getting unusual volumes
of kook mail (a NEW one every day or two, that's a LOTof kook mail),
along with unusual volumes of "fan" mail where they tell you nice
things because they think this might be THE END OF THE WORLD.

So, since the world is about to end, let that be an excuse to phone
your pore ol' ma and pa and tell 'em you're thinking of them. Then put
your head between your knees and kiss your ass goodbye.

Just kidding. It can't happen here.

What it's motivating me to do is hurry up and get some of these new
sections onto SubSITE. I hope. DON'T ASK ME WHY, though.

I got all my gear upgraded, anyway. Even got the scanner working. (Keen
End Days art scanned from covers of ancient SF mags sent by Nenslo up
now.) Learning bit of UNIX terminal crap! Holy fuck. These truly must
be the Last Days.

'Course, we've been saying that for about 10,000 years now.

--
4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected (Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
P.O. Box 181417, Cleveland, OH 44118 (fax 216-320-9528)
A subsidiary of:
The SubGenius Foundation, Inc. / P.O. Box 204206, Austin, TX 78720-4206
Dobbs-Approved Authorized Commercial Outreach of The Church of the SubGenius
SubSITE: http://www.subgenius.com
For SubGenius Biz & Orders: call toll free to 1-888-669-2323
or email: jesus@subgenius.com
PRABOB

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Subject: Re: What're YOU going to pack?
From: friday@fridayjones.com (Friday Jones)
Newsgroups: alt.slack,alt.friday
Date: Thu, Feb 13, 2003 9:36 PM
Message-ID: <friday-ya02408000R1302032140550001@news.earthlink.net>

I'm gonna pack every willing anus I can find with my throbbing femme-shaft!

Who's ready to get Fridayed?

"Coddle your clit and it'll coddle you right back."
- HellPope Huey

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Original file name: What're YOU going to pack.txt - converted on Monday, 21 July 2003, 13:47