Subject: I WILL PAY

From: Nabo Mather <nabomather@yahoo.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Tue, Sep 17, 2002 11:38 PM

OH YEA OH YEA OH YEA

Fellow Others! It has been a happy, happy time after an age of Stench!
After far too too long in the work of the Pink Boys, I have found once
again the Gift of Slack!

It has been years, brethren, YEARS since I have smelt the Pipe-Smoke
of Bob and his Word of Slack. But let me share the tale of how I've
come to return to the suspicious-smelling fold of the Truth.

On Friday the 23rd of August in this august year of the CON, I was
smitten with The Book of the SubGenius! I was cursing my desk,
cleaning books and paper in order to appease the dread Forces that had
me SLAVING on a night that should be spent HEDONIZING. So duped was I
that I felt I could only work after hours of self-flaggelating
straightening of work-spaces, a practice so obviously and offensively
championed by NHGH. I had gone so far as to organize books I hadn't
touched in years, especially those that were stacked on the highest
shelves. And it was in reaching for these that I pulled down an entire
shelf. Yet Lo! it was a miracle that I escape lasting injury apart
from a small bruise left by a corner of the Sacred PreScriptures.

Yes, it was The Book that fell on my lower right wrist, and on the
floor lay Bob's face smiling up at me. I swear I saw Actual Smoke
emerge from that Pixellated Pipe (but it was probably just dust and
mites).

I was frightened, TERRIFIED by the draw I felt to that bit of
prefabricated religion, but I needed not only Salvation, Regeneration,
and Exhortation to the Truth! I also needed a break.

I took up and read, an lo what I found:

"87 JHVH-1 the Lord thy God sayeth this: Thou shall relinquish thy
clock, and they whip, and they gavel, and the unclean things thereof,
and shall cast from thee all these false idols which thou worship; for
these are like unto the woman of straw which thou lieth down upon."
(BSG, 132)

After this, I knew, I KNEW that the last decade has led me far, far
astray from the Path of Slack. My job? The clock. My salary? The whip.
My gavel? Still working on that... But my soul (and body...long work
hours) was UNCLEAN. And so, for the last month, I have spent as much
of my employer's time as possible reading up the internet, listening
to the Hour of Sssssslack, drooling over pictures of missed X-days
when I would have been unprepared, casting from myself all false
idols...although I still occasionally enjoy the straw woman. Only now
do I feel that I have the Strength of Will to publicly WITNESS of my
return.

One problem:

Reverends, I WILL PAY to know what I think. I WANT, no, NEED to pay!
But three painful words keep me from doing so:

"OUT OF STOCK"

How can the membership of the church be out of stock? But that
question is naïve and duped. The Church is and always has been a cash
crop and so must obey (in appearance) the rules of the CON.

So how can this lost soul (who is now so far, far from his birthplace
shared by Bob's High Epopt: Dallas... How did I end up in southwest
Michigan?) find succor in membership and devivals?

Embrace me, fellows, for I am returned...

Nabo Mather
Wandering Wanna-Prophet
Somewherefarfromhom, US 01010

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Reverend DJ Epoch <yougottabekidding@noway.com>

Dead Fellow Oppressed Yetisen,

"OUT OF STOCK" .. is a ploy by the Church to make the CON *think* that they
are winning the war against Slack. We keep them off balance, and as a
result, stay off their radar by making them think we are soo inept,
befuddled and so totally whacked that we would actually RUN OUT OF
SALVATION!

Well, actually, we did. But ONLY because the Holy Church's Main Office of
Marketing and Pyramid Schemes had MOVED from the soon-to-be-a-crater known
as Dallas to the more Yeti-hospitable local of Austin. (The reasons are
secret...suffice to say SOMETHING AWFUL will befall Dallas REAL SOON.. we
just don't know if *real soon* is next week or next century.)

As a result of the relocation out of the target area, ALL the Churchly
documents had to be doctored....ahhh... updated to reflect the NEW HOLY P.O.
BOX in all official Church documents, tracts and propaganda. This resulted
in the significant exertion of ANTI-SLACK by the high-marketers and a delay
in getting the Holy Documents to Cafe Press.

Rest assured, SALVATION can be had AGAIN! Just give it another shot at the
new address of the Church office of Marketing and Propaganda:

THE SUBGENIUS FOUNDATION, INC
PO BOX 204206
Austin, TX 78720-4206

...and welcome back to the fold. NOW SEND US ALL YOUR MONEY! (Well, $30 of
it, anyway!)

--
The Reverend DJ Epoch
The Church of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion
Cathedral, Carwash and Dancehall
Divine Southern Redneck Clench
Home of the Traci Lords Memorial Brothel

Southern Redneck Clench Recruitment site under
construction at http://revdjepoch.net

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>

In article
<4C389A4C713513A9.F2B5E3970E7D0CD7.AC944C0BB7F37ACF@lp.airnews.net>,
Nabo Mather <nabomather@yahoo.com> wrote:

>
> One problem:
>
> Reverends, I WILL PAY to know what I think. I WANT, no, NEED to pay!
> But three painful words keep me from doing so:
>
> "OUT OF STOCK"
>
> How can the membership of the church be out of stock? But that
> question is naïve and duped. The Church is and always has been a cash
> crop and so must obey (in appearance) the rules of the CON.
>
> So how can this lost soul (who is now so far, far from his birthplace
> shared by Bob's High Epopt: Dallas... How did I end up in southwest
> Michigan?) find succor in membership and devivals?
>
> Embrace me, fellows, for I am returned...
>
> Nabo Mather
> Wandering Wanna-Prophet
> Somewherefarfromhom, US 01010

I was told everything would be back in this Thursday.

Now what was that about the straw woman again?

Funny how books will fall off a shelf and hit you on the head. Back
when, we got this deal to do this "THREE FISTED TALES OF "BOB""
anthology book. There were plenty of "Bob" stories already lying around
I needed to write one myself. I was completely without inspiration
when, while randomly fiddling around and meddling, I upset a stack of
books on a high shelf. What plummeted right onto the bridge of my nose
wast a paperback edition of the Doc Savage pulp series tale, "The Land
of Terror," in which Doc fights dinosaurs in a lost world.

DOC SAVAGE! MONSTERS! DINOSAURS! NAZIS AND INDIANS! MY CHILDHOOD! That
was the answer. Good enough for an asnwer anyway.

Not that it's an especially great story in plot, but it is JUST like a
Doc Savage pulp in intellectual reach.

Anyway, we'll be able to take your $30 SOON!

In the meantime, of course, you can check out Connivin' Ivan's.
http://subgenius.com/scatalog/mediashack.html

We're NEVER out of stock -- because we're never IN stock. I make the
objects as they are ordered, most of them.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: nabomather@yahoo.com (Nabo Mather)

"Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com> wrote in message news:<180920021040343991%stang@subgenius.com>...
>
> Now what was that about the straw woman again?
>
It was beautiful but horrible. A need and a revulsion. A low time of
my life and the height of my existence. It was itchy but giving. A
pleasure and a burden. More than I can remember but so, so fuzzy in my
memory. I longed for more yet feared the return. I am still trapped by
the freedom I received.

Nabo Mather

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: friday@fridayjones.com (Friday Jones)

In article <1eaae748.0209181131.3b30ad82@posting.google.com>,
nabomather@yahoo.com (Nabo Mather) wrote:

>It was beautiful but horrible. A need and a revulsion. A low time of
>my life and the height of my existence. It was itchy but giving. A
>pleasure and a burden. More than I can remember but so, so fuzzy in my
>memory. I longed for more yet feared the return. I am still trapped by
>the freedom I received.

If the straw man only had a brain, you could fuck IT.

ANNOY THE ROBOT

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: dinosaurbob@comcast.net (dinosaurbob)

"Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com> wrote in message news:<180920021040343991%stang@subgenius.com>...

>
> Funny how books will fall off a shelf and hit you on the head. Back
> when, we got this deal to do this "THREE FISTED TALES OF "BOB""
> anthology book. There were plenty of "Bob" stories already lying around
> I needed to write one myself. I was completely without inspiration
> when, while randomly fiddling around and meddling, I upset a stack of
> books on a high shelf. What plummeted right onto the bridge of my nose
> wast a paperback edition of the Doc Savage pulp series tale, "The Land
> of Terror," in which Doc fights dinosaurs in a lost world.
>
> DOC SAVAGE! MONSTERS! DINOSAURS! NAZIS AND INDIANS! MY CHILDHOOD! That
> was the answer. Good enough for an asnwer anyway.
>
> Not that it's an especially great story in plot, but it is JUST like a
> Doc Savage pulp in intellectual reach.

Hey Stangalang!

Speaking of ol' Doc Savage, have you ever read Philip José Farmer's
excellent _A Feast Unknown_? He and Tarzan do some crazy shit in that
one. I mean real fuckin' crazy! You've never seen THIS Tarzan before.
Or this Doc.

From the back cover:

"The Lord of the jungle immerses himself in an orgy of blood and lust.
The Man of Bronze thirsts for a devastating revenge. Their final
meeting is a climax of sex, violence and perversion that will never be
forgotten. For the loser -- a hideous death. For the winner -- a
beautiful, voluptuous woman and the promise of immortality..."

Someone brought up Farmer's _Image of the Beast_ in this ng not too
long ago. Those two books are my favorites of Farmer's.

+Dinosaurbob+

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>

In article <63b56953.0209182142.682389b5@posting.google.com>,
dinosaurbob <dinosaurbob@comcast.net> wrote:

>
> Hey Stangalang!
>
> Speaking of ol' Doc Savage, have you ever read Philip José Farmer's
> excellent _A Feast Unknown_? He and Tarzan do some crazy shit in that
> one. I mean real fuckin' crazy! You've never seen THIS Tarzan before.
> Or this Doc.

Thanks, yeah, I have read it, in fact I had a signed copy at one time,
before I learned never ever to loan out any book. The scene where they
literally cross dicks while fighting nude for the right to live
forever, while on a rock bridge over a bottomless chasm, is an all-time
classic Farmer moment. Then later when Doc yanks Tarzan's dick off
LITERALLY -- or does Tarzan rip off Doc's dick? Or do they dedick each
other? At any rate, I know there's a happy ending.

>
> From the back cover:
>
> "The Lord of the jungle immerses himself in an orgy of blood and lust.
> The Man of Bronze thirsts for a devastating revenge. Their final
> meeting is a climax of sex, violence and perversion that will never be
> forgotten. For the loser -- a hideous death. For the winner -- a
> beautiful, voluptuous woman and the promise of immortality..."
>
> Someone brought up Farmer's _Image of the Beast_ in this ng not too
> long ago. Those two books are my favorites of Farmer's.

Philip Jose Farmer has been a VERY NAUGHTY BOY.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: fossil_1984@hotmail.com (chaosisrael)

"Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com> wrote in message news:<180920021040343991%stang@subgenius.com>...
>
> DOC SAVAGE! MONSTERS! DINOSAURS! NAZIS AND INDIANS! MY CHILDHOOD! That
> was the answer. Good enough for an asnwer anyway.
>

Damn. You're old.

My Childhood: second hand Madeline L'Engle. "A Wrinkle in Time".
Witchcraft. Evil as psychic air pollution. 4-D physics; telportation.
Gaint diembodied brains. "Every man and woman is a star."

oop. ack.

(Also Vonnegut, V.C. Andrews, and Erica Jong. But they were fairly tame.)

Back to document index

Original file name: I WILL PAY.txt.txt - converted on Monday, 21 July 2003, 13:47