Nastiest Candy Bar?

From: nenslo <nenslo@yahooX.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Sun, Feb 23, 2003 4:28 AM
Message-ID: <3E589446.DEFBAE56@yahooX.com>

I nominate Violet Crumble. With Idaho Spud as runner up.

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From: "NeuroManson" <moc.ibtta@dogegoops>

There will always be worst: http://www.bad-candy.com/

I actually saw the salted plums on sale at the local dollar store. Sadly,
I'm not masochistic enough to drop a buck on 'em to try.

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From: "ICEKNIFE" <icNOekSPAMnife@lmi.net>

"NeuroManson" <moc.ibtta@dogegoops> wrote in message
news:QR16a.205145$2H6.3594@sccrnsc04...

> There will always be worst: http://www.bad-candy.com/
>
> I actually saw the salted plums on sale at the local dollar store.
Sadly,
> I'm not masochistic enough to drop a buck on 'em to try.

Salted plums (some brands, anyway) are actually quite good. They're a
pretty common snack in asian countries, apparently. We have 'em all
over the place in the Bay Area.

If you see any spiced cuttlefish (spicy dried squid), try it, the
stuff is great. It's like medium hot slightly sweet salty vaguely
fishy jerky. Good stuff.

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From: Slackitude <allyerslack@reontheshelf.ayuh>

nenslo <nenslo@yahooX.com> wrote:
>I nominate Violet Crumble. With Idaho Spud as runner up.

"Ebola Flake"? "Cadbury's Burnt Umber dream"? "Holy Mass of Primal Nougat
Matter"? "Crispy Shit"? "Candy Coated RoadKill"? "Chocolate France"?

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From: "LXIX" <post_replys_please@this.address.is.invalid>

I vote for the Payday bar I had in college. It was dark, I ate about
half the bar, then sat it on my desk and turned on the light to do
homework. The damn thing was crawling with little white maggot looking
things. The bad part is it was real tasty and I almost went ahead and
finished it off anyway.

The vendor refused to refund my money. So I sank a 3" lag bolt through
the coin slot and called the whole issue even.

--
--LXIX--

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From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>

In article <3E589446.DEFBAE56@yahooX.com>, nenslo <nenslo@yahooX.com>
wrote:

> I nominate Violet Crumble. With Idaho Spud as runner up.

Funny you should mention that particular one. Princess Wei loves them
and introduced me to one just last week. "A chocolate covered toasted
merangue" or "hard crisp sugar-air" as she describes it. I saw it as a
Malted Milk Ball in bar form. She likes to smash it up inside the
wrapper first, then open it and devour the pieces. I thought it too
sweet myself but nowhere near worst. Pretty GOOD in fact.

But then Wei and I were heavy users of Warheads, Psycho-Pops and other
super-sour citric acid and malic acid combos. We have more or less
sworn off those for the time being. It's been mainly pure Euro-style
chocolate around here when possible. (There's a specialty shop nearby,
Mitchell's.) We got chocolate covered ginger for Valentine's Day.

That Bad Candy website is pretty funny. I see they list several
Lucas-like products. Salt-sugar-chili powder treats.

What the heck is an Idaho Spud?

Have you ever had Crowley's Violet Tablets? asks Wei. She says they are
like square holeless LifeSavers with the flavor of violets.

Did you bring up this candy bullshit to distract us from serious issues
like the war? Who are you really working for?

On the rare occasions that we go out dancing, we take these WARHEAD
DROPS -- super-sour mouthdrops administered from a tiny spray bottle. I
imagine that the E-bent ravers around us thought it was some exotic
drug. The intense sourness gives you a "lift" but causes you to make
weird faces. I don't know that it would go with alcohol but it's great
for drymouth.

--
4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected (Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
P.O. Box 181417, Cleveland, OH 44118 (fax 216-320-9528)
A subsidiary of:
The SubGenius Foundation, Inc. / P.O. Box 204206, Austin, TX 78720-4206
Dobbs-Approved Authorized Commercial Outreach of The Church of the SubGenius
SubSITE: http://www.subgenius.com
For SubGenius Biz & Orders: call toll free to 1-888-669-2323
or email: jesus@subgenius.com
PRABOB

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From: hellpopehuey@subgenius.com (HellPopeHuey)

Many years ago, I was perambulating through Times Square in NY and
encountered an alleged chocolate bar called "Dingleberries." Some of
you might consider this to be a dubious claim, but remember, not long
ago, there was a green gum in a toothpaste tube called "Boogers."
Gotta love that kid market. "Dingleberries" wasn't half bad, but it
had a carob aspect that won it only 3 points on a scale of 10.
Andreux sent me a fistful of hard candies from Japan or
some-damned-where that sported the picture of a pineapple on the
wrapper, but which tasted like a brackish mix of unwashed feet and cat
butt, or so I define it.
Watch what you put in your mouth. WHO, as well, but start with the
WHAT. I think bad kids get that Andreux-candy for Xistmas if they're
bad. Yug!

--

HellPope Huey® hellpopehuey@subgenius©.com
Howcum TCM would run the word "shit" in "Blazing Saddles,"
but changed the word "cocaine" to "procaine?" Unh?

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
- Pancho Villa, last words

"See? Sometimes, when I slam on the brakes,
you just run right past."
- "The West Wing"

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From: nenslo <nenslo@yahooX.com>

"Rev. Ivan Stang" wrote:
>
> In article <3E589446.DEFBAE56@yahooX.com>, nenslo <nenslo@yahooX.com>
> wrote:
>
> > I nominate Violet Crumble. With Idaho Spud as runner up.
>
> Funny you should mention that particular one. Princess Wei loves them
> and introduced me to one just last week. "A chocolate covered toasted
> merangue" or "hard crisp sugar-air" as she describes it. I saw it as a
> Malted Milk Ball in bar form. She likes to smash it up inside the
> wrapper first, then open it and devour the pieces. I thought it too
> sweet myself but nowhere near worst. Pretty GOOD in fact.

Well it just has this FLAVOR, or half a flavor, that I find vile.

>
> But then Wei and I were heavy users of Warheads, Psycho-Pops and other
> super-sour citric acid and malic acid combos. We have more or less
> sworn off those for the time being.

What, you want to have TEETH TO CHEW WITH?

>
> What the heck is an Idaho Spud?

A mound of cloying glop dipped in soft brown wax.

>
> Have you ever had Crowley's Violet Tablets? asks Wei. She says they are
> like square holeless LifeSavers with the flavor of violets.

No, but I have had some Russian candies which had a violet on the
wrapper, yet tasted like a berry of some sort. I have read that in
Australia they have two extra flavors of Lifesaver - Musk and
something indescribably ghastly called Thirst.

I didn't think much of the bad candy website. Just didn't seem like
much of a muchness to me.

>
> Did you bring up this candy bullshit to distract us from serious issues
> like the war? Who are you really working for?

Thinking about "the war" or "the fire" or "the crash" or "the
disaster" is what They want us to do, so we will be afraid and unhappy
about things over which we are absolutely powerless. This makes us
better consumers of distraction goods and media products. I am
working for the only peace I can ever have - Peace of Mind. The best
positive contribution I can make to the world is to go through the day
without being in constant emotional turmoil over things I cannot
possibly change. So I think and talk about things which interest me,
as if there were not a huge phony mind control propaganda combat being
waged all around me.

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From: nenslo <nenslo@yahooX.com>

There's an interesting product I've also seen which consists of two
thin layers of dried fish with chopped sesame seeds in between, then
cut into narrow strips. Yet, none of these are CANDY BARS.

CAAANDY BAAAARS.

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From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>

In article <3E59CF46.C85F9640@yahooX.com>, nenslo <nenslo@yahooX.com>
wrote:

> > Did you bring up this candy bullshit to distract us from serious issues
> > like the war? Who are you really working for?

I was funnin' ya, Nenslo, that's why I asked the Correct Question and
then immediately went back to blabbering about candy, just like I
couldn't keep my mind on the War Thing either without drooling over the
candy again.

I recently was accused by a helpless drunk of "not doing enough about
the war" and therefore "not caring." Guilt-tripping others about such
issues seemed to be a "thing to do." I was just trying to be cool. As
you can see, I was not able to be cool for long.

War-wise, never have I felt so strongly that my feelings and actions
counted for so little. The other guys on the radio show and me bullshit
about that a lot. WHILE EATING CANDY.

I'm afraid I have become just like that little old whoremonger man in
Catch 22, who says to the earnest, principled American soldier, "No,
you have it backwards. It is better to LIVE on your FEET, than to die
on your knees."

I have been politically involved enough to make it clear on my own
IMPORTANT ORGAN, my college radio show, that I think war is harmful for
children and other living things. I plan to demonstrate the depth of my
feelings by wrapping myself in duct tape and plastic drop cloths, and
then set myself on fire in protest. Near the microphone so people can
hear me scream, so the effort isn't totally wasted. ISN'T THAT
ENOUGH?!?

I could sit and chew on sour gummis forever.

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From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>

In article <ohq6a.221984$iG3.26399@sccrnsc02>, NeuroManson
<moc.ibtta@dogegoops> wrote:

> Oh crappity fuckshit, I forgot one of the nastiest candies ever:
>
> Jar. Jar. Binks. LOLLYPOP. Right kiddies, pay money so Jar Jar will stick
> his fucking tongue down your throat.

I got one of those when they first came out because I could scarcely
believe the damn thing even existed. It was a fairly large PLASTIC
JAR-JAR BINKS HEAD on a stick. When you pulled a plastic trigger, his
mouth would open and you, the INNOCENT CHILD, was presented with a LONG
HARD CANDY TONGUE. A tongue of JAR-JAR that you were to.... SUCK.
Realistically rendered... AND INITIALLY COVERED IN A SKIN OF RUBBER
which had to be peeled back condom-wise in order for the FRENCHING to
begin.

THE FRENCHING OF JAR-JAR by human toddlers.

I never did suck it myself and now I'm kind of wondering where that
toy/candy is buried, rotting.

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From: lyonderboy666@hotmail.com (Anti Pope Lupus of SI)

nenslo <nenslo@yahooX.com> wrote in message news:<3E59CF46.C85F9640@yahooX.com>...
> "Rev. Ivan Stang" wrote:

> > But then Wei and I were heavy users of Warheads, Psycho-Pops and other
> > super-sour citric acid and malic acid combos. We have more or less
> > sworn off those for the time being.
>
> What, you want to have TEETH TO CHEW WITH?
>

I can't get enough of that stuff either. Sometimes (and you'll have
to search dedicated candy stores for this hellish item) you can find
sour pucker BELTS. These things are not just the most sour things
you'll ever ingest, they also scrape all the lining off your tongue
and cause your stomach to involuntarily heave acid into your throat.
I think I can eat about 100 of these. You can always fight off the
uclers with a "healthy" supply of Tums tablets. The things digest
themselves anyway.

> > Have you ever had Crowley's Violet Tablets? asks Wei. She says they are
> > like square holeless LifeSavers with the flavor of violets.
>

I've had these numerous times, and they are extremely nasty. It's
like chewing on overly perfumed flower petals. However, they
bitch-slap any other smell you can possibly have on your breath.
Smoker? Lunchbreak boozer? Forced to commune with undesirables?
Crowley's Violets are the answer. One whiff of these things will send
your family or co-workers away to their rooms or cubicles to actively
mind their own business. They'll never try to smell your breath
again. And you can acquire a TASTE for those fuckers. Very effective
weapons if used properly.

> > Did you bring up this candy bullshit to distract us from serious issues
> > like the war? Who are you really working for?
>
> Thinking about "the war" or "the fire" or "the crash" or "the
> disaster" is what They want us to do, so we will be afraid and unhappy
> about things over which we are absolutely powerless. This makes us
> better consumers of distraction goods and media products. I am
> working for the only peace I can ever have - Peace of Mind. The best
> positive contribution I can make to the world is to go through the day
> without being in constant emotional turmoil over things I cannot
> possibly change. So I think and talk about things which interest me,
> as if there were not a huge phony mind control propaganda combat being
> waged all around me.

We already died of anthrax.
-APLY

"I don't need religion or a cotton-candy brain. A cookie cutter
epiphany is no more of a remedy than honey in your tea."
-Channeling Owen

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From: hellpopehuey@subgenius.com (HellPopeHuey)

"Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com> wrote in message news:<240220030952111334%stang@subgenius.com>...

> I could sit and chew on sour gummis forever.

You're the head of your own testy cult. I think you're well on your way.

but tonight I'm on the edge
better shut me in the fridge
'cause I'm burning up
I'm burnin' up
with the vision in my brain
and the music in my veins
and the dirty rhythm in my blood...
they are messing with my heart
- Thomas Dolby, "Hyperactive!"

"Must I be the meat in an imbecile sandwich?"
- Al Bundy

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From: glassgnost <dlindner@nospam.dslextreme.com>

On Sun, 23 Feb 2003 01:28:43 -0800, nenslo wrote:

> I nominate Violet Crumble. With Idaho Spud as runner up.

Two words: Cherry Ripe.

--
Mystical Reverend Doktor glassgnost, Minister of Unnatural Selection
-- dahacker (at) dslextreme (dot) com --
Eternal Salvation or Triple Your Money Back!
http://www.subgenius.com ...or KILL ME!

Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and
go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your
arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself.

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From: 3nenslo2 <3nenslo2@yahooX.com>
>
> Two words: Cherry Ripe.
>

I think Australia has more human-made nasty food products per capita
than any other continent. I am not including witchety grubs, but I am
including "tube full of rotten meat jelly" the Favourite Aboriginal Treat.

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Subject: Re: Nastiest Candy Bar?
From: ridetheory@yahoo.com (ignatz topolino)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Mon, Feb 24, 2003 9:42 PM
Message-ID: <ece00630.0302241842.27f8168@posting.google.com>

nenslo <nenslo@yahooX.com> wrote in message news:<3E589446.DEFBAE56@yahooX.com>...

> I nominate Violet Crumble. With Idaho Spud as runner up.

I like Violet Crumble for texture.

Idaho Spud is pretty damn nasty. The filling is supposed to be
marshmallow, but it has the texture of partially cured foam rubber.
Then it's dipped in chocolate-y coating and rolled in coconut.

I remember Pee Wee Herman making a David Letterman appearance, around
Halloween it was, and he opened an Idaho Spud and said, "IT LOOKS LIKE
A TURD!"

Yes it does:
https://www.idahospud.com/products.htm

For a "high-end" candy bar, Toblerone is pretty awful. I used to get
those in my Xmas stocking. Year by year, I came to hate 'em.

iggy topo

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Original file name: Nastiest Candy Bar_.txt - converted on Thursday, 29 May 2003, 19:15