Subject: Anthrax Cures Hypochrondria

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Sun, Mar 9, 2003 2:07 PM

That's the GOOD news.

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Subject: Re: Anthrax Cures Hypochrondria
From: Jarto <stevejouanny@hotmail.com>

"Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com> wrote:

>That's the GOOD news.

Yeah, I guess it cures PINKS or their lives once in a while. I'm
along the lines of thinking that Israel v Palestine, is just a capsule
of the war in the world that the pinks are fighting right now. Big
Rich Jews/Christians v Freedom Muslims. We should be glad them
Hamasian "rebels" are incensed by obvious atrocity. It sometimes
takes a lot of OBVIOUS atrocity, also known as "evidence".

I had a freaky paranoia story last night. I thought I'd mention it
since you've been fairly paranoiac in your thinking recently (gathered
that from posts I've read. Enjoyable scenarios - Civilisation-style.)
I had an idea that the war was just a taster of us to see the CNNated
action of TWO INCH APE men who will rule the world in YEARS to come!
Bush will use these like nanobots, which are gloprulated things which
just manipulate the envioronment around them uncontrollably. The
world would be ONE BIG GOO!

All gOOed up man.

This is my paranoia, tell me yours.

---

"Sure, everything in nature's beautiful,
unless it's ugly."
- Grandpa - "Hey Arnold"

PC term for losers in sports - Victoriously challenged.
PC term for winners - racists.

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Subject: Re: Anthrax Cures Hypochrondria
From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>

I am not actually very paranoid, BY MY STANDARDS. That is, I don't
think anybody's out to get me, AND, nobody IS out to get me. Nobody
SPECIFIC is out to get ME SPECIFICALLY. I do however have a SICK sense
of humor which, combined with sincere anxiety over shit happening, and
a life-long fascination with REAL paranoia, psycho-kook-style, gives
me great glee to express.

I always imagine the Worst Possible Scenarios for everything, JUST FOR
FUN, because then when things are never that bad, I remain in a state
of pleasant surprise. IN THEORY of course.

I seem to be exactly as paranoid as my neighbor. Our paranoia was
tested today.

I spent the morning polishing an Hour of Slack show that was admittedly
pretty heavy on the humor-elongated paranoia that study of Dobbs
prophecy cultivates, AND, while dubbing the copies and getting them
ready to mail, I listened to a rough-cut of the NEXT show, which is
also fairly paranoiac. I mean the world IS kinda slightly teertering on
the brink of a lot of TV specials, no doubt about that, and possibly of
much worse things.

Right after I've ejected the last show copy, THE POWER DIES. I can
instantly tell that it's not just my office, it's the whole house.

THE VERY FIRST THOUGHT IN MY HEAD WAS:

" E.M.P. SOMEWHERE OVER WYOMING. GUESS IT'S STARTED. DAMN, SHOULDA
BOUGHT MORE OF THAT BOTTLED WATER."

Then I went downstairs and turned on the battery powered radio, which
was playing Credence instead of sirens, meaning it wasn't an EMP from a
NUKULER BOMM somewhere.

Then I looked at my fusebox and saw with some relief that everything
was normal, meaning it wouldn't be ME spending a thousand bucks.

Then I went next door. The minute my neighbor opened the door he said
"My power's out too. I turned on the radio just to make sure the war
hadn't started." Turned out he had been trying out a new biorythm
program on his computer (hooked up to him I suppose) and, by calming
himself to alpha state, had just about gotten his screen balloon to
land on the desert floor when the power died. He said he too
immediately wondered about electromagnetic pulse and balloons going UP
and so on.

I unplugged my shit, drove to the P.O. to mail the shows, and saw that
a moving van had somehow wrapped a telephone pole with power lines
around itself. Quite a mess. Wei and I went back later on foot to watch
them pull down the thick power lines.

While my power was off and the radio was on I heard a story about
regular everyday Iraqis in Baghdad digging WELLS in their BACK YARDS in
case that ended up being the only way to get water FOR WEEKS.

I thought, DAMN, I guess this little end of the world drill was a
fuckload of a lot easier for me here in Cleveland Heights than it would
be for a similar computer geek in suburban Ground Zero Number One.

But it does kinda remind one that everything's Ground Zero. HOO hah!

"PARANOID" is a very relative term. I would venture to say that most of
the THINKING persons my age spent their teens THINKING that a TRULY
cataclysmic full-fledged nuclear war could happen any second. I figured
it'd be Road Warrior at best and Planet of the Apes at worst. (Actually
our concern in the 80s included literally ALL LIFE on the planet,
because that's how many nukes were sitting there primed.)

So nowadays my biggest paranoia is TINY by comparison. OH DEARIE ME,
whole American cities not to mention cities everywhere else might get
NUKED. It would be like THE POSTMAN everywhere, but much less boring
because Kevin Costner would be dead. (The one GOOD result.) I'd have to
make my living giving real good blow jobs from inside a barrel that had
a blonde wig nailed to it and lipstick drawn around the hole, to
mutated soldiers passing through. (I'm assuming film editing, computer
geeking and SubGenius preaching won't be in big demand when the new
Dark Ages start, and I'm not very large or dangerous or keen-sighted,
or young, so being a gang warrior or mercenary is out.) But there would
still be LIFE FORMS.

So, see, I'm not hardly paranoid at all. If I was paranoid, I wouldn't
have had to worry about the bottled water. Also I would have shells for
my shotgun that I knew were good. Come to think of it I probably should
go get some fresh shotgun shells. I wonder if they have those up at
Walmart or if they'd arrest me for even asking. In Texas you could get
a gun and ammo at the 7-11 but it's probably different in Ohio.

Here's the most fucked up part. When the power first went off, right on
the heels of "Electromagnetic pulse knocked out the power, nuke over
Wyoming," I next thought: "Well, good thing I got that anti-war Hour
of Slack finished before the world ended!"

Funny how the human mind will play strange tricks.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Anthrax Cures Hypochrondria
From: hellpopehuey@subgenius.com (HellPopeHuey)

Jarto <stevejouanny@hotmail.com> wrote:

> This is my paranoia, tell me yours.

That everyone on Usenet is, in person, actually like their on-line
personas. Now I HAVE met a few who were nice enough. Nenslo WAS eating
live white mice from a leather pouch at his waist, but he spit the
heads to one side and never right AT people. I myself am only 67% as I
appear in print.

Still, its of modest concern. If icewipe is like his onerous posting
self, we'll be standing in LINE to spit his head at his ugly momma.

--

HellPope Huey® hellpopehuey@subgenius©.com
Something like a cross between the X-Men,
Snowball the Signing Gorilla
and a Chunkendale.
A wondrous wad of exotic intent in 13E brogans. Howyadoin'?

"Most of the population done made the Devil their king
and they're workin' for him overtime!"
- "Green Pastures"

"I touched my 'lectric guitar to the mic stand in the rain
and Lord I felt Your power like I never will again"
- "Funzone"

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Original file name: Anthrax Cures Hypochrondria - converted on Monday, 21 July 2003, 13:45