HueyPome: Attack of the 50-Foot Floor Plan

From: hellpopehuey@subgenius.com (HellPopeHuey)
Newsgroups: alt.slack,alt.poetry,alt.discordia
Date: Sat, May 3, 2003 1:37 PM

Well, I was sittin' on a slag heap, gnawin' on a bone
When "Bob" said "Seeker, I'm a-takin' you home
I'll get my lovely wife Connie to make us up a stew
and if you want a bowl of it, here's all you hafta do:

Take off yer skivvies and climb into the pot
Sit there and simmer 'til its tasty & hot
When you're really really tender, you can climb back out
& take up your toothbrush, start a-workin' on my grout
I said "'Bob,' that's appalling, that's a really rotten deal!"
He said "Suck it up, seeker, there ain't no free meals!

"There will be people you'll love, there'll be a few that you'll hate
There will be folks who will fillet you for your space on the grate
and though the meat can be so thin, you see the pattern on the plate
All that ultimately counts: don't let your payments come late!

"I sold the Sphinx to the Pharoah and Jonah to the whale
I sold a silk suit to Satan and made a killing on the sale
I sold some coal to Newcastle and a million things more
I sold an angel to Capone and Pope Pious bought a whore

"I sold Nikolai Tesla his very first coil
I sold a Baptist God's sweat from His 6 days of toil
I sold an emperor in China a million gallons of oil
(he cackled as his chickens and his enemies boiled)

"I sold Sally Rand her fans, I sold Hitler Colonel Klink
I sold John Wayne some shoe lifts and Jim Beam his first drink
I can sell a man his eyebrows and he'll never stop to think
I sold the Brooklyn Bridge to aliens, they didn't even blink

"I sold Saladin a sword, I sold Ford the Model-T
You know that Wright Brothers gizmo? They bought it from me
I sold the stocks and the coffee and the jets and the towers
I sell that golden bit of hope in your most desperate hours

"I sell that heady rush you get when you hear her unzip
I sold Mick Jagger some collagen & Owsely a trip
I make the Deal of the Century every hour or so
and the darker stuff I manage, you don't even wanna know!

I can get you into Heaven for one hell of a price
I can serve any vanity, gold-plate any vice
If I can sell all of that, then I can surely sell you!"
I rubbed my chin & smiled & said " Well, 'Bob,' here's what I'll do:

"I want a 6-pack of genies, I want an everlasting weinie
I want a joy that's unbounded & adulation ill-founded
I want a pipe that's never empty and a magic Sin Eraser
I want Elvis t'live forever with a Horton Heat chaser

"I wanna fly through the air, I wanna get back all my hair
I want your wife on her knees, I wanna hear her yell "PLEASE!"
I want a bass line from Olympus with exactly enough greaze
I wanna buzz the White House on the back of a gigantic bee

"I want a geisha from Hebbin whose goal is rockin' my world
I want her divin' in her didies for a 20-pound pearl
I want the promises & power & cartoons to be real
I want a dazzlin' response when I am coppin' a feel

"I want to meet my potential, I wanna ring the biggest bell
I wanna send the televangelists directly to Hell
I wanna be King of the Zingers, I wanna love that lingers
I want a La-Z-Boy massager with the feel of a thousand fingers

"I want retroactive justice since before the Crusades
I want a Green Lantern ring and Nancy Reagan as my maid
I want a green light on a galaxy of good I wanna do
If you can give me all of that, I'll BUY Salvation from you!

"Bob," you're slicker than KY, I give the nod to your zeal
but I ain't gonna buy the dinner when my ass is the meal
You're not the first to try to sell me my own left hand
so douse the lights, strike your tents and jam that blarney up yer gland!"

Once you recognize a crock, there's nothing else they can say
so "Bob" smiled & shrugged and said, as he went on his merry way,
"There's always another sucker, tomorrow's another day
There are billions more like you, its a never-ending play

I have the brains and the drive and the suit and the guile
I have the most effective tool of all, a shit-eatin' style
No matter how bad it gets, I still come back with that grin
'cause if I didn't milk the monkeys, it'd be a living sin!"

So bretheren & sisteren, you oughta heed my advice
Never pull down your pants when THEY say "slide on the ice"
There's always another "Bob" who will stick it up your flue
But if you cut your OWN cards, the final cut's up to you

Nobody knows the trouble I seen,
where can I go to get my poodle clipped?
The grass on the other side isn't always greener,
Here's Godiva, but with her pajamas onnnn!

666 skidoo, WORK it, Jesus!

--

HellPope Huey® hellpopehuey@subgenius.com
There are many questionable things to drink,
such as one's own urine or
Gzlatnr!, the skink-flavored national drink of Boolgaria.

Don't worry about biting off more than you can chew.
Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
- Texas Bix Bender

Swallow it, already. Jeez, it ain't Listerine.
- Rev. Queso

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Original file name: HueyPome- Attack of .txt - converted on Friday, 13 June 2003, 22:43