Subject: Re: The first noticeably devine intervention of JHVH-1 in my life-thus-far...

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Thu, Apr 3, 2003 9:58 AM

In article <3e600fb6.0304021711.61558e8f@posting.google.com>, IshGibber
<lanegibberish@yahoo.com> wrote:

> Sublime occurances were blessed upon me today. A miracle of BIBLICAL
> proportions has effected my life. I am a newly-born beleiver, having just
> stumbled upon to the MIGHTY word o' "Bob" in the past week. I have become
> fascinated, ENGROSSED, in this ARTWORK of a religion. Anyway, I have been
> guzz-gulpin' SLACK down like an Indonesian WHORE guzzling semen from the
> thrice replicated phallus of a sextuple-headed SEA-SERPANT deep in the
> African jungle. I beleive this act of endulgment and virtual-gluttony has
> please the all-mighty JHVH-1, Ra, YAHWEY, etc. Yes, it has pleasured him
> deeply. Thus, he has begun to tip the scales-of-coincedence MY WAY! It has
> been noticeable that the 'tip' had been enacted, yet no single event could
> be written of a anti-un-not-questionable up until this morn'.....:
>
> At the PINK-BOY-over-flowing sespit of culture rape-and-smother
> training they call "high school", I attended my "Comparative Religions"
> class. We have been studying Zoroasterism, or some such. Matterofcoursly, my
> cohort_in_blasphemy and I engaged in discussion that had nothing to do with
> the teachings at hand. I was reading my brand new and spell-bindingly holistic
> book of "The Book of the SubGenius", while he enquired wherein what sort of
> "comic book" 'it' was. I informed him that it was the accepted bible for the
> UFO-Death-Cult I had joined in the past weekend as a result from an evil
> combination of Adderall swallowing, and marijuana smoke inhalation. He
> replied "Dude, I've heard of that! I am a into discordy---- blahblahblah (I
> tuned at at this point, being that it was not relevant to what my mind was
> thinking about)." We then pondered at the inside cover of the Book 'O "Bob"
> for a minute. He pondered, and reached into his nap-sack. Into his binder he
> dwelved, recovering an overhead-plastic-transparancy-thingy sheat. He said
> that "it [was] a diagram of the Judai-ic 'Path to Enlightenment'{tm}." He
> then proceeded to lay it upon-top-of the front_inside_cover of the Book.
> Low-*AND*-Beho ld, the diagram of enlightenment matched up almost
> DAMN-NEAR-PERFECTLY (!!!!) to the weird obsu-osbu-osftbusb-u-cated diagram /
> randomness in The Book. Thus, showing me UNDENIABLY that the two paths to
> enlightment in the religions were similar. All forms of well established and
> complex religion are mirrored in some fashion. It was mighty creepy, EERIE,
> even. The number of events to reach that point in the space time continuum
> where an OBSCURE printout for a high-schooler to be carrying on his own will
> would be SEE-THROUGH and lay down upon another obscure piece of literature.
> That these two would be assigned to sit together, even live in the same
> area, even BE ALIVE AT THE SAME TIME!!!, is incredible. That is my story,
> and I'm stickin' to it.--
> -- Gibberish

The great thing about One True World Religions is that when they're
revved up, they make EVERYTHING seem like magic -- through simple
REVERSE ENGINEERING. And magic.

The Tree of Knowledge will match up with ANY other religion's Tree of
Knowledge because 1) they're all symetrical, 2) ours is ripped off from
all the previous ones, in bits and pieces; I should know; and 3)
because "BOB" is MAGIC!!

I know this and I also know of coincidental juxtapositions of unlikely
SEE-THROUGHs over the SubGenius Tree of Knowledge. For instance, if you
just happen to have an overhead transparency of the FIRST cover of the
FIRST edition of The Book of the SubGenius, McGraw-Hill version, and
lay that over the Tree, EVEN THE DAMN EYES LINE UP! Just amazing. The
fact that the center of an 8.5 x 11 inch page will be in the same place
on all pages that size also helps.

Also -- how weird is it really for somebody to be carrying the
condensed knowledge of their whole religion with them? Not very. From
Booji Boy's MY STORY to Chairman Mao's book to those miniaturized
Bibles, lots of religious nuts do this.

Depending on which Judaic Path to Enlightenment diagram he was
carrying, you might find an even better match with the Kaboballah
diagram further inside the Book, in the chapter on "Bob." This one is
also based on ancient secret diagrams carried by many goofy religious
students.

The IMPORTANT thing is, DOES THIS JEWISH DISCORDIAN GUY HAVE A SISTER
and HOW HOT IS SHE? Can he be exploited in this wise, or another? The
discovery that the Church of the SubGenius REALLY IS SUPER-MAGIC is
important, but at your age you are sure to find equal mystery and
wonderment under the shirt of some lucky girl. Or whatever. God damn
it, if I'd have been getting laid in high school, I wouldn't have
needed to be making magic fucking diagrams. Dobbs would have found
somebody else to do it.

Incidentally I talked to the guy that did the Tree drawing (from my
stick figure-clipart design), Paul Mavrides, for 1.5 HOURS yesterday,
and it looks like he'll be the counterculture guest at Starwood this
year! Yeee haw. Two weeks after X-Day. Now working on arranging for
Rev. Crop Circle Maker to be flown in from England to instruct the
pagans and Subs how to make crop circles just exactly like the Big Boys
do. That may be trickier so START PRAYING. If we're lucky, and plucky,
someday we'll have Trees of Knowledge and Dobbsheads etched into FIELDS
so large they can only be seen and photographed from an airplane. Or
the hot air balloon they have at Starwood.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: The first noticeably devine intervention of JHVH-1 in my life-thus-far...
From: Joe Cosby <joecosby@SPAMBLOCKmindspring.com>

I posted a link to that one once in a Yoga newsgroup and told the
person I was talking to that it was a complete lesson on everything
she needed to know. She didn't reply so about a day later I posted
again and told her I was just kidding. She posted back and said
"Thank God!"

--

Frankly, nothing you can say will make the slightest difference in my
viewpoint, because I know what a deceptive person you are
- Blue Rajah

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: The first noticeably devine intervention of JHVH-1 in my life-thus-far...
From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>

If we didn't constantly tell them we were kidding they'd Waco our asses
in a heartbeat.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: The first noticeably devine intervention of JHVH-1 in my life-thus-far...
From: lanegibberish@yahoo.com (IshGibber)

Really made my day, man. More truth hath been written for me to
DIGEST. Rev. Ivan Stang, you sir are the first person that has come
along in this playthrough ofa_movie that IS my life, that I have ever
been able to TRULY BELEIVE, yet know to be utterly full of shit at the
same time.--

--Soon-to-Be Rev. Laneth of Samish.
"In the time of Chimpanzees I was a Monkey."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: The first noticeably devine intervention of JHVH-1 in my life-thus-far...
From: mshotz@aol.comnospam (James T. Rex King of the Monsters)

>The IMPORTANT thing is, DOES THIS JEWISH DISCORDIAN GUY HAVE A SISTER
>and HOW HOT IS SHE? Can he be exploited in this wise, or another?

All Jewish girls are sluts in bed, until you marry one. Then its once a month,
in the missionary position, and don't even THINK about asking for a blow job!

Got this first hand from a old freind who made that mistake!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: The first noticeably devine intervention of JHVH-1 in my life-thus-far...
From: "nu-monet v5.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>

James T. Rex King of the Monsters wrote:
>
> All Jewish girls are sluts in bed, until you
> marry one. Then its once a month, in the
> missionary position, and don't even THINK
> about asking for a blow job!

Unless you marry one like Annie Sprinkle.
And by the time you're 30 you look 60.
Seriously, more marriages are ended by
overdoing it with sex then by underdoing.

Do you really want her buying exotic shit
from Frederick's because your being unable
to bop her six times a week makes her feel
like she's losing you?

One last thought: it's late at night and
you are really *comfortable* in bed, except
that it's too warm or too cold. Without
your saying anything, your spouse gets up
and adjusts the thermostat *in the right
way*. You talk about feeling warm and
fuzzy towards someone!

--
Anyone with a gun pointed
at you is the government.
--nu-monet

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: The first noticeably devine intervention of JHVH-1 in my life-thus-far...
From: nenslo <nenslo@yahooX.com>

"James T. Rex King of the Monsters" wrote:
>
> >The IMPORTANT thing is, DOES THIS JEWISH DISCORDIAN GUY HAVE A SISTER
> >and HOW HOT IS SHE? Can he be exploited in this wise, or another?
> All Jewish girls are sluts in bed, until you marry one. Then its once a month,
> in the missionary position, and don't even THINK about asking for a blow job!
> Got this first hand from a old freind who made that mistake!

Well hell, if you're stupid enough to ASK for a blowjob you don't
deserve one. And take it from me, your old freind married ONE Jewish
girl and one only - that doesn't make him an authority on all the rest
of them.

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Original file name: Re- The first noticeably devine - converted on Monday, 21 July 2003, 13:44