I'm poking around in Border's the other day. I find the latest reprints of 1949 sf classics and then browse. First I go to the Humor section to make sure the SubGenius books are there. The Book of the SubGenius is; I secretly autograph it like always, with a Mystery Note. (Once I got a letter from a guy saying, "Uh, did you actually sign a book at a Barnes & Noble in Dallas near Northpark?" 'cause he had found my note in the book he bought.)
If I DON'T find The Book in a Borders, it ruins my day and I work harder.
As you can surmise, it's usually there; elsewise I'd have gotten more done by now.
Anyway, I then mosey over to the Music and Media secdtion looking to see if they have Grace Slick's autobiography. I'm interested in that for reasons that are PURELY salacious. It isn't there, but here's a book called
"RADIO ON" by Sarah Vowell.
Now I recognize this name Sarah Vowell because she once wrote a review of our 1996 Chicago show in which she bitterly denounced Janor and yearned for Susie the Floozie, showing unusual familiarity with the Church radio outreach. Also, she has become more notorious since then, as she has put out some books of smart-ass essays, and she does whimsical NPR bit, I understand. Also, I saw a picture of her once and she is a WEIRD LOOKING WRITER-GIRL and therefore of interest to me for sick and perverted reasons that probably don't have to be explained to any of my fellow weird looking writer-boys.
I pick up the book and skim the intro... the book is like a diary of her radio listening for a year, and observations... and THERE'S MY NAME!
"As you can imagine, I heard a lot of crap -- numbing, malevolent examples of the worst kinds of filth. This is why I often joked to myself that the book's title would be Amber Waves of Pain. Eventually, however, I settled in with some friendly voices: Ian Brown and Ira Glass redeemed public radio; Reverend Ivan Stang of the Church of the SubGenius became a beloved weirdo; writers Bill Wyman and Jim DeRogatis routinely bit the evil hands that fed them; and Courtney Love, more than anyone, screamed how I felt."
Needless to say, despite being lumped in with Courtney Love, I bought the book, and skimmed it immediately in the parking lot to see what other good or bad things she might have to say about me and my poor tiny little humble ego (I call him "Fred.").
There was a BUNCH! Dr. Legume and Susie were mentioned as well. I had just cracked open a new OCR program and needed to see how it and my scanner worked in OSX so here 'tis.
Excerpts from Sarah Vowell's "RADIO ON" A
Listener's Diary
1996, St.Martin's Griffin
****
February 11, 1995. l2:OO p.m. WZRD FM. Church of the SubGenius: Hour of Slack
The Church of the SubGenius, a religious parody group that worships a godhead named J. R. "Bob" Dobbs, airs a lovably wicked weekly broadcast of "sermons," media criticisms, musings, and just plain noise. This week, the Reverend Ivan Stang ponders his oppressively multimedia lifestyle after he "decided to surf the Internet, flush "Bob" Dobbs down the digital sewer, and take advantage of the virtual global-village idiots of the damned.... The other day," he continues,
this information overload just all avalanched at once. I was late to pick up my kids. I was charging the video batteries up so I could tape the school play.... I was listening to the CD player and the answering machine at the same time and trying to read the e-mail and pay the electric bill and the phone bill, when the family phone downstairs rang and the dogs started barking because the UPS man had come at the same time as the postman. And then the paper started spewing out of the fax machine and a tornado warning came on the TV.
****
March 25, 12:00 PM WZRD 88.7 FM Church of the SubGenius: Hour of Slack
SubGenius Reverend Susie the Floozie, who has "a metric ton of Jezebel spirit bursting out of a ten-pound bag," delivers this interpretation of her religious archenemies, the fundamentalists: "Fundamental is right. You take out the fun, then you take out the mental, and all you're left with is the DUH. The carrot they dangle in front of you is the promise of inheriting the kingdom of God. Well, I'm not sticking around waiting for that old fart to die!"
****
Octobor 21. 12:00 p.m. WZRD. Church of the SubGenius: Hour of Slack
Unexplained collage: a man (you know those voices that sound as if they're wearing a tie?) says, "This is a program about knives. How to sharpen them, set them, adjust them, replace them, align them, maintain them, analyze them, sharpen them, set them, adjust them [where have I heard this before?] replace them, align them, maintain them, analyze them. In short, everything you ever would want to know about keeping the knives in John Deere forage harvesters in cutting trim."
Cut to another man, speaking matter-of-factly: "I can recall his headless body was found dangling from a chandelier. So, mistakes will happen, won't they? Now, if you'll forgive me, BOING! Now, if you'll forgive me, BOING! Now, if you'll forgive me, BOING! Ah ha ha ha! Aha ha ha ha ha ha!"
Woman: "Program complete. Enter when ready. I don't think wine will do it. I don't think acid would do it. Some other time maybe. My mind has expanded as far as it can go. Any more, and it'll pop, you know what I mean?"
When a man asks, "How are you feeling now?" another man responds, "I put that gun in your mouth, soldier."
"There is nothing like being at the heart of it all," exclaims a woman: "The dead center. The pulsating vortex. The gravity spot. Where the very air sings with the electric current of split-second decision-making. It is there that you will find the unparalleled intensity of comrades-in-arms on the front lines before the masses. Where are they? Who are they?"
And Ivan Stang answers, "Uhhhhhhhhhhh . . ."
****
Oct. 28. 12:23 p.m. WZRD. Church of the SubGenius: Hour of Slack
Finally, roughlyfive-sixths of the way through the year, do I hear Hank Williams.Too bad some weirdo had to die to get Hank to the people. Eulogizing SubGenius preacher Doctor Legume, who's evidently now with "Bob," Reverend tang plays the frenzied gumption of "I'll Never Get Out of This World Alive."
****
November 11. 12:00 p.m. WZRD. Church of the SubGenius: Hour of Slack
The REeverend Stang is talking up his show's international Internet access. The other day, a friend said that soon, anyone with a minimum of equipment will be able to function as a one-person radio station, broadcasting through their computers to the world. I love the "In My Room" implications of this, thrill to the notion that someday I could listen in on some Australian teenager's musical collage or live concerts of someone's Alabama aunts or secret diary readings by twelve-year-old girls.
*****
Decembor 30. 12:00 p.m. WZRD. Church of the SubGenius: Hour of Slack
Maybe they'll burn him at the stake. That's what religions do to heretics, don't they? All year long, Church of the SubGenius clergyman Ivan Stang has been preaching on and on about getting some slack in the name of "Bob." Slack this. Slack that. But Stang is a backslider of the worst sort - a workaholic, an overachiever. His travel schedule alone must be grueling. This year, he's everywhere, like some kind of subcultural gadfly, attending various SubGenius devivals, touring with the cartoon metal band Gwar, appearing at the Chicago Underground Film Festival, hosting book-signings, turning up in interviews, and running the Church's Internet and radio ministries.
Stang begins today's show with a ranting collage of impressions of all the people who want something from him, from the SubGenius T-shirt they ordered three weeks ago, to the bands who want him to air their songs. The way I see it, he's stressed out. Which means he doesn't practice what he preaches. Slack, my ass. I bet he even wears a wristwatch.
((Boy, did she have that right. Talk about not being the kind of person you're preaching to. I did attempt to go without a watch for a while in the middle of the 90s in order to alleviate the incessant feeling of too much to do too soon, but all that did was make me late for things.
I repented and moved to Cleveland. ))
Original file name: RADIO ON excerpts.txt - converted on Monday, 21 July 2003, 13:44
This page was created using TextToHTML. TextToHTML is a free software for Macintosh and is (c) 1995,1996 by Kris Coppieters