Subject: What I MEANT to say was...

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Sun, Dec 8, 2002 3:33 PM
Message-ID: <081220021533248058%stang@subgenius.com>

THANKS to everybody who has been ordering Sacred Swag from the newly
revised monstro SubGenius online catalog. It's been a life-saver. You
know how we (unthinkably!) RAN OUT of SALVATION a couple of months ago?
Well, this month we were feeling the severe financial punishments
heaped upon us by Dobbs for being such Slackards when Swaggartism was
what had been called for. BUT YOUR ORDERS FOR HEAPS OF GOOD GOODS have
propped up our FAITH and CREDIT CARD ACCOUNTS, because we know that
next month, this month's Xmas sales will MAKE UP FOR IT!!

It's so thrilling that I'm tempted to order some of that swag MYSELF!
On CREDIT! (The only reason I put that calendar of Stang Artwork in
there was so that *I* could buy it -- the nice color printing is
somewhat cheaper than a similar print job would be at Kinkos.) And I
want ALL of the mugs and X-Day ornamets and clocks. I wouldn't have
added all that stuff to the catalog if I didn't COVET the HELL out of
it all myself.

And especially to those who ordered CDs and CD-Rs from Bulldada Time
Control Labs -- I personally TRULY APPRECIATE your bravery in
entrusting me, Rev. Ivan Stang, with your REAL NAME, your CREDIT CARD
NUMBER and EXPIRATION DATE, REAL HOME ADDRESS, etc.etc.. So far I have
not abused a single one, nor sold any to the Feds, great as the
temptation is. It does my heart good to know that somewhere out there,
people are bootlegging SubGenius music and ranting from the GOOD
QUALITY copies, the CD originals, and not some crappy low res MP3 they
downloaded off SUbSITE or a.b.s. for free. (Although I must admit that
some of the best SubG music and ranting STARTED OUT as crappy low res
mp3s on a.b.s., so the dif is moot in some small cases.)

I closely inspect the Cafe Press swag sales with Scrooge-like interest,
too, and every time somebody with a feminine name orders something that
has my artwork on it, I masturbate enthusiastically in honor of that
customer. I just want all you Connietites (or homosexual men!) to know
that. I am doing pro-customer sex magick like mad AFTER the sale, in
GRATITUDE! You might say. When the customer has a guy's name, I arm
wrestle them astrally, and LET THEM WIN. And all those customer names
go, nay, not in the "4 sale to FBI" list, but into the BOOK OF LIFE, as
well as a manilla folder on my desk. BUT NOT UNTIL THE ORDER IS FILLED!
Until that stuff is IN THE MAIL, your name HOLLERS from the order
print-out taped on the wall, TORTURING me into HURRYING to
MAIL-U-UR-SWAG!

I thank you, Jesus and Magdalen thank you, Connie thanks you, and "Bob"
thanks you. "Grods" bless us every one.

If this keeps up, we will soon have the POSTAGE to mail a long awaited
REAL PRINTED-OUT STARK FIST to THOUSANDS OF SLACK-FUX!

And, SAY! If there's something you want from the catalog, but it's NOT
QUITE RIGHT, EMAIL ME! For instance, just yesterday my daughter said
she wanted to get her boyfriend the hooded sweatshirt with the
Donnshead on the front. But that comes with "45 Dobbsheads" by Heart
Ignition on the back. She didn't want that on that back, she just
wanted the word "SubGenius" in Ken-Huey-Logo-Style.

Well, by Gobbs, all I have to do is "Add
Product/front:Dobbsheads/back:SubGenius" and dream up a price and
VIOLA! NEW CUSTOMER-DESIGNED CUSTOM PRODUCT!

It's as little trouble as changing your subgenius.com forwarding
address. JUST HARANGUE STANG, and within a MERE week or less, or not
too much more, I or my helper programs will get around to it. (My
daughter gets faster action than anybody, but I still haven't gotten
around to hers.)

--
4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected (Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
P.O. Box 181417, Cleveland, OH 44118 (fax 216-320-9528)
A subsidiary of:
The SubGenius Foundation, Inc. / P.O. Box 204206, Austin, TX 78720-4206
Dobbs-Approved Authorized Commercial Outreach of The Church of the SubGenius
SubSITE: http://www.subgenius.com
For SubGenius Biz & Orders: call toll free to 1-888-669-2323
or email: jesus@subgenius.com
PRABOB

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Original file name: What I MEANT to say was... - converted on Monday, 21 July 2003, 13:44