Subject: To Depressed Middle Aged SubGenii (long)

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Tue, Feb 19, 2002 12:57 PM
Message-ID: <190220021257193416%stang@subgenius.com>

To Depressed Middle Aged SubGenii

This may even include some teenagers and youths who happen to be 18
going on 55, so to speak. But probably not, because it's mainly about
health problems.

I was talking to my old Old Friend, Pope Sternodox, yesterday, and
following that I phoned my even older pal, Dr. G. Gordon Gordon.

WE DIDN'T TALK ABOUT OUR HEALTH PROBLEMS! For a change, not one of us
had anything terrible going on. In fact we were doing pretty damned
well... COMPARED TO A LOT OF OUR FRIENDS, or ourselves just a couple of
years ago.

GGG just had a big show of his computer art in Austin, and it was a
WALLOPING SUCCESS! Even FINANCIALLY! And he hasn't had to have a limb
or organ replaced in months. And he has a beautiful, cool young wife!

Sterno has been a big success at his new job as DJ at a fancy stripper
bar, and he and several old Doktors (including Huey) practically run
the Little Rock weekly paper, and he has a beautiful, cool young wife!

I have the most beautiful wife of ALL and she's so young that tomorrow
is her birthday:

02-20-02

At 8:20 pm, or in military time, 20:20, pm, it'll be:

20:20 02-20-02

Last time that line-up happened on digital watches was 1,001 years ago.

Anyway, the point is, Sterno and GGG and I didn't talk about our health
problems.

You can't imagine what a blessing that is, at age 48 and up. Because we
did mention some of our friends' health problems. And our PARENTS -- !!
Holy FUCK!!! Our parents are, I hate to say it, falling apart before
our very eyes, little by little IF THEY'RE LUCKY! And our parents are
only, what, twenty or 25 years older than us?

We'll be like that in TWENTY YEARS? Twenty years is fucking NOTHING!
20 years goes by in the blink of an eye. (After the first 20, anyway)
Why, a sweet little baby can grow up to be a hairy-armpitted adult in
that time -- HARDLY ANY TIME AT ALL, it goes by so fast -- especially
if you're raising a kid or five. We've only got TWENTY YEARS before our
teeth are GONE, everything hurts ALL the time, people condescend to us
because of our hopelessly outdated world views, etc. etc.???

Some of my middle-aged peers, though, aren't as lucky as me, Sterno and
GGG. They might not have beautiful young spouses, or even pouchy old
spouses. They might even have LOST one. Or they might have a MESSED UP
spouse. Or a messed up kid. Or they themselves may be in similar
physical shape to our PARENTS.

A BUNCH of them are already DEAD.

And that got me to realizing that, come to think of it, MOST of the
guys that I know who are my age are not only not as lucky as me, but
they're pretty fucking DEPRESSED right now. Because all the shit I just
enumerated above is hitting them, all at once. And the economy is
fucked. And retirement is getting closer but is getting scarier at the
same time, 'cause all the money's vanishing. And the war. And the
assholes. And the PAINS and the doctor bills. And, maybe worst of all,
if somebody else is real sick and you have to take care of them, even
though you're not doing so hot yourself.

And thinking about all my peers who feel that way some or all of the
time -- and that's a lot of my boomer aged peers -- it made me think, I
better tell them what I know about this:

IT MIGHT GET BETTER!

It did for me, Sterno, and GGG. Not that long ago, GGG almost died,
Sterno WANTED to die, and I was hard at work making sure I would hurry
up and die (not that I knew that was what I was doing at the time.) And
it was for all the tiresome reasons listed above. My 25 year marriage
crumbled into dust due to serious health problems. (At the time I
thought it was money problems too, but I'm still as broke as ever, in
fact much broker just lately, and yet everything is FINE.) During the
90s I was variously diagnosed as having hypoglycemia, an aneurism in my
brain, high blood pressure, chronic vertigo or Meniere's Syndrome(sp?),
about a dozen skin diseases, and for awhile there, I was so shell
shocked that I couldn't even get it up to JACK OFF. Then there were the
problems faced by my ex, which were probably a lot worse. (Me being
only one of those problems.)

Looking back on it, I guess you could say I was kind of down sometimes.
My dog Beast died, my dad got real sick, my other dog Puddin' just
disappeared, my buddies started getting diseases and divorces, my
daughter was going out with a guy just exactly like me and my buddies
used to be, my son knew fifty times more about dinosaurs, computers and
girls than I did and obviously pitied me. It was the Church of the
SubGenius that was keeping me going. At least that was doing better,
once Jesus repented, quit his jobbed and Slacked Off (ha!) and moved to
Dallas to help with the biz, in April '96. That made all the
difference, and Church-wise, things actually started to improve
mightily. Best of all, there were more and more women and young folks
involved actively. And the devival scene was generally lots of fun and
just profitable enough. There was always the promise (and always will
continue to be) of something REALLY cool looming just around the corner
for "Bob".

That kind of thing is not enough, though, when all the REAL things like
body, home and family are falling apart. I mean, yeah, that's great for
"Bob" and the SubGeniuses and the project and all, but...

Anyway, it all finally came to a head and imploded or exploded or
whatever. For months I lived in a squalid, and I do mean fucking
SQUALID, place. I listened to Jimi Hendrix's song RED HOUSE over and
over again. (Luckily there are about 50 versions of that song floating
around.)

I kept trying to keep a stiff upper lip, but WHEW doggies. Then my
friend Princess Wei up in Cleveland broke up with her boyfriend, and I
found myself with something to live for. I single-mindedly pursued her
hand in marriage, and now everything is just about perfect, for ME! (It
would be TOTALLY perfect if you were to go to SubSITE right now and buy
something. I would suggest YET ANOTHER 11 HOURS OF SLACK IN MP3, the
CD-R.)

The fact that my mom almost died a few weeks ago also served to put
things into a new perspective for me.

So now I think about my pals and acquaintances who might be doing JUST
FINE at work, but their back NEVER EVER STOPS HURTING. Or they are in
perfect health and like their work, but their spouse is a complete and
total alcoholic for some reason. Or their marriage is fine but the
company is about to go bankrupt and everybody's getting laid off and
they just suddenly got the notion that maybe they fucked up and wasted
all the best years of their lives for nothing but rent, when they could
have been partying it up and getting rich and famous and fucking tons
of groupies while snorting coke, if they'd only pursued their art,
like, you know, R. Crumb or Rev. Stang. Or they just found out their
son has been arrested for torching a church while on speed. Or, they
had a car wreck at JUST THE WRONG TIME and everything went down hill
from there.

The litany of woes is indeed endless, and the wonder of it is that more
people don't just jump off bridges. It proves that most people aren't
all that SURE there's a HEAVEN.

My message is, DON'T JUMP!!

Just as you never know when space junk is going to plummet down and
crush you and your house, you also never know when it might fall down
and crush your SECRET LIFE LONG TREACHEROUS ENEMY'S HOUSE! (And you
never even knew you had one.) Who knows, I know it sounds dumb, but
they MIGHT invent a cure for cancer tomorrow! Hell, they invented every
other damn thing.

YOU JUST DON'T KNOW.

Unless you're depressed. THEN you KNOW. You know everything SUCKS, and
is only going to get worse.

Well, I'm NOT depressed, but I HAVE been, and take it from me, I
*KNOW*:

YOU JUST DON'T KNOW.

Just as it is sometimes a great RELIEF to remember that you WILL, after
all, DIE, no matter WHAT, it is also good to remember that you don't
know ONE SINGLE OTHER THING as surely as that.

There might BE a Loch Ness Monster! Probably not. But wouldn't it be
cool, IF?? Just as one example of something to live for. THE NEXT ISSUE
OF SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN. There you go, there's something to live for.
And I don't even read that. The miracle might be in there.

That gal you admired for so long MIGHT SUDDENLY DIVORCE HER HUSBAND
over something you knew NOTHING about, and your most IMPOSSIBLE DREAM
might come true!

You just do NOT know.

Just because you're 50 years old and depressed, you might THINK you
know, and it's true that you know more than those LUCKY snot-nosed
brats, but, I PROMISE you, YOU DON'T KNOW.

You don't know how BAD it might get, NOR HOW GOOD.

So there, Mister Know It All.

I sincerely hope this doesn't depress the fuck out of those who were
NOT depressed.

My friend Mark Hundahl had a friend who, one cold windy night, was
walking across a bridge in I think Boston when he espied a poor
desperate bastard about to leap off the bridge. My friend's friend,
having nothing better to do I suppose, started trying to talk him out
of it. The guy posed to my friend's friend the single hardest to answer
question.

"Then tell me ONE THING worth living for."

My friend's friend had no idea what the magic word might be, so he took
a wild guess, thinking of something worth living for just then, on that
cold windy bridge, to him.

He said, "A hot pastrami sandwich?"

The guy went "Hmmm... hmmm, yeah, okay." So they went and got a hot
pastrami sandwich. The guy might have jumped off the bridge the next
night, for all I know, and in fact the whole story has the ring of an
urban legend to me. But the point is.

Hot pastrami sandwich.

(Vegan weirdos might prefer to think of those Boca brand meatless
"Spicy Italian Sausages" with melted jalapeno soya cheese.)

P.S. All those health problems I had disappeared when I started
SLEEPING REGULARLY, and eating a good solid breakfast the MINUTE I woke
up, and then eating something decent at intervals all day. By "decent"
I mean the 4 main food groups without too much greasy sugary crap. And
much as I hate to admit it, I really did have to quit smoking and
drinking to excess, too. But I wouldn't recommend that to everybody.
Excessive smoking and drinking is sometimes what it takes to stay
alive. I know how that is. But SLEEP is truly the ultimate narcotic,
and food is the only kind of speed that you don't crash from. I know I
sound like "Mom" saying this, but some plain old common sense things
are true for SubGeniuses and humans alike, and indeed hold true for
most mammals. But living in the virtual 29th Century universe like we
do, and being a bunch of fucking weirdos, it's easy to forget those
things.

You just wait till you haven't been able to SHIT for three days. THEN
you'll know what's IMPORTANT in life.

*Luckily this has not happened to me yet. I think I am gonna go heat up
one of those Boca sausages right now and have a couple of prunes with
it. THEN A GREAT BIG FAT FROPSTICK shovd right in that SPECIAL HOLE,
AHHHHHH. And some random Pink somewhere will go another day without
falling victim to The East Cleveland Sledgehammer Slayer.

--
4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected
P.O. Box 181417, Cleveland, OH 44118 (fax 216-320-9528)
A subsidiary of:
The SubGenius Foundation, Inc. / P.O. Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214
SubSITE: http://www.subgenius.com PRABOB
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: To Depressed Middle Aged SubGenii (long)
From: "Alliekatt" <alleykatzen@hotmail.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Tue, Feb 19, 2002 6:07 PM
Message-ID: <0VAc8.1793$9H5.1001@nwrddc01.gnilink.net>

"Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com> wrote in message
news:190220021257193416%stang@subgenius.com...
> You just wait till you haven't been able to SHIT for three days. THEN
> you'll know what's IMPORTANT in life.
>
> *Luckily this has not happened to me yet. I think I am gonna go heat up
> one of those Boca sausages right now and have a couple of prunes with
> it. THEN A GREAT BIG FAT FROPSTICK shovd right in that SPECIAL HOLE,
> AHHHHHH. And some random Pink somewhere will go another day without
> falling victim to The East Cleveland Sledgehammer Slayer.

I ain't going nowhere until I get laid in the Orbital Hilton in the padded
luv suite. I don't care if the wine's in a sippy box and the cigarette
afterwards is in a prepackaged orbitbag (c) (tm) of suspended nicotine
flavored air. I will fuck in zero G before I die, and a 20 second knee
trembler in the Vomit Comet ain't gonna cut it.

alliekatt
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: To Depressed Middle Aged SubGenii (long)
From: "nu-monet v4.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Reply-To: like.excess@sex.org
Date: Tue, Feb 19, 2002 6:40 PM
Message-ID: <3C72E28E.5A8E@succeeds.com>

Rev. Ivan Stang wrote:
>
> To Depressed Middle Aged SubGenii...
>

Depress less. HATE more!

Yes, *that's* what Ah'm talkin' about--a sure-fire
cure for depression. You're Dr No, and you're gonna
build an island with a giant nuklar-powered death beam
on it and burn the pootwaddle outa everybody and anybody
who PISSES YOU OFF!

AND THEY WANT TO STOP YOU--BUT THEY CAN'T!

Oh, sure, THEY might have the upper hand now, they might
be keeping you poor and powerless. But sooner or later
THEY are going to slip up. Then it's $1,000,000 fish
tanks for you, baby.

Who knows HOW it is going to happen? Maybe you're going
to win the lottery jackpot. Maybe you're going to get
*noticed* by Bill Gates or the Shah of Wijambootie.
Maybe you'll just wake up one morning with the VITALITY
to do ANY FUCKING THING YOU WANT.

And you'll be ready. You've got or are going to get that
passport, and you'll leave skidmarks.

First you'll hit that mystic temple where they keep all
them giant rubies. Or maybe you'll try the casino scene
in a tailored tux. Or maybe it will be the personal sex
cult with all the wide-eyed teenage bimbos to peel your
grapes, as it were.

Start to hire henchmen. NON-UNION henchmen, who know the
value of a dollar and will off anybody with a nod from
you. Buy an s-load of the REAL drugs that the ELITES
use, not that street crap. I'm talking DISNEY(*) animation
grade hallucinations where you MEET god, not some shit
where you just feel like you have malaria crap.

Any kind of guns, boats, cars, airplanes, spacecraft are
yours for the asking. Artists kiss your ass and spend
years designing your bathroom fixtures. They all come to
your private island, to your fashionable fortress of party
solitude.

Women you don't even know wander around your house.

And it's ALL going to happen ANY DAY NOW. Just as soon as
you can GET OVER from THEIR oppression. Just as soon as
THEY have a computer error, so they stop KEEPING YOU DOWN.
Just for a day, maybe even an hour, is ALL YOU NEED.

And you know that ANY DAY NOW they are going to fuck up.

And you're FREE. Free to HATE them for what they did to
you for ALL THOSE YEARS. And man, ARE YOU PISSED.

AND PAYBACK IS A MOTHERFUCKER.

(*) Walt, not Eisner period.

--
A lesson for all Reverends: in 15th Century
Verona, a young priest was sent to a parish
known for its factionalism and contention,
with the full expectation that he would fail.

But he succeeded, and over the course of years
read some 3000 sermons, arguing on both sides
of only a single issue:

"Whose sin was greater, Adam or Eve?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: To Depressed Middle Aged SubGenii (long)
From: revtrunkofunk@yahoo.com (Reverend Trunk o' funk)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Tue, Feb 19, 2002 7:46 PM
Message-ID: <82aaad7d.0202191646.53cf1d8b@posting.google.com>

"Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com> wrote in message:
> WE DIDN'T TALK ABOUT OUR HEALTH PROBLEMS! For a change, not one of us

All is Dukkha, baba. GET SLACK!

> if you're raising a kid or five. We've only got TWENTY YEARS before our
> teeth are GONE, everything hurts ALL the time, people condescend to us
> because of our hopelessly outdated world views, etc. etc.???

Ah-so, This Mortal TESLA Coil. Marshall Herff Applewhite, "The Big
(Hale) Bopper", stepped-up to the saucer plate shortly after his
health began to fail.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are lookin' at the SAUCERS?
What all are you DOIN'? Stay alive, baba! Friends don't let friends
rant drunk - par'tica'lar'ly when barbituates and applesauce are
involved. You will NOT be seen dressed all in black. You will NOT wear
white Nikes. You will NOT track comets with that nifty-difty Edmunds
Scientific doodad telescope y'all MIGHT-but-I-don't-know-fo'sho' have.
YOU... WILL... NOT!!! Unless it's part of a rockin' Heaven's Gate
revue with all proceeds goin' to "Bob."

> My message is, DON'T JUMP!!

Aw shucks, okey-doke! Beats me fer not readin' ahead.

All Best Slack,

Rev. Trunk o' Funk
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: To Depressed Middle Aged SubGenii (long)
From: HellPope Huey <hellpopehuey@subspamgeenyus.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Tue, Feb 19, 2002 9:03 PM
Message-ID: <a4v05e0221p@drn.newsguy.com>

In article <pv957uo5d5lq8u9d4tab3ec972ib4nu5jn@4ax.com>, Kevan says...

>This is one reason Prince Guatama left his palace to find enlightenment. May
you be as skillful as he was.

Congratulations! You've offically become a bigger, more worthless dumbass than
bill palmer. I didn't think it was possible. You're like a newly-discovered
anti-gravity particle, except you make things DULLER. You're not even a
worthwhile ENEMY.

Yetis, I give you the ultimate anti-SubGenius: neither hot nor cold, too-sweet
nor sour, ear-bleedingly loud or imperceptibly quiet, nor anything else.

Meet Spackling Boy.

HellPope Huey, hellpopehuey@subgenius.com
Bite the wax tadpole. Do it now.

"I only speak two languages:
English and bad English."
- "The Fifth Element"

"The covers of this book are too far apart."
- Ambrose Bierce

"It burns like a Glasgow bikini wax!"
- Groundskeeper Wil
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: To Depressed Middle Aged SubGenii (long)
From: HellPope Huey <hellpopehuey@subspamgeenyus.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Tue, Feb 19, 2002 9:18 PM
Message-ID: <a4v1190248u@drn.newsguy.com>

In article <3C72E28E.5A8E@succeeds.com>, "nu-monet says...

>"Whose sin was greater, Adam or Eve?"

God's. He queered the deal.

HellPope Huey, hellpopehuey@subgenius.com
Bite the wax tadpole. Do it now.

"I only speak two languages:
English and bad English."
- "The Fifth Element"

"The covers of this book are too far apart."
- Ambrose Bierce

"It burns like a Glasgow bikini wax!"
- Groundskeeper Willie
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: To Depressed Middle Aged SubGenii (long)
From: iDRMRSR <alexithymia@depression.org.east>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Tue, Feb 19, 2002 8:56 PM
Message-ID: <DED743D6A52C3D53.099F05FEC7120B4E.98A074E999F4CA84@lp.airnews.net>

OhmyBob! Stang...was U talking to ME?

The real purpose of life seems to be to act as a conduit for money
between one part of the Con and another. You take from the Boss Con,
and pay up to the Fed Con. Or the Oil Con, or the Food Con. Like a
packet of uranium pellets in some reactor.

If you weren't there, it seems, the lights would go out. That's why the
Drug Con keeps developing newer and better antidepressants, to keep them
conduits a-flowing.

But I feel much better, too, after getting a LOT more sleep these days.
The fact is, over time, you lose your close connections to other
people. The ones you meet after that, cow-orkers, service people, even
the occasional squeeze, just don't stick like the old relatives and
S.O.s of the past.

Litmus test: you come down with explosive diarrhea at 3 AM, slip on the
bathroom floor in your own shit, and cannot get back up. Who do you
call upon to help you? When the choice is between the ambulance or
nobody, then you've gotten to where the pinnacle of existence as a human
must be.

Lately, I have begun to try and log 12 hours and one minute of sleep
each evening. Thus, I can statistically claim my dream life is more
real than reality. Well, it's more interesting, and often the food is
better...and much less fattening. I don't know anybody's name there,
but it's about the same here, too. And over there, the animals talk,
you can walk around naked if you like and nobody cares, and sometimes
you can just up and fly!

But eventually, if you're middle-aged and depressed, you get to find
these little safety valves, like too much sleep, while you're waiting
around for that very special "it" to happen once again.

Dang, I left my Prozac at the other place. I'll take one tomorrow, and
do MANIC for you then!

[*]
-----
PS, according to the National Lampoon, ca. 1974 or somewhere around
there, they publicized the REAL meaning of Life!!!!!

Martians need CANCER to power their flying saucers! That's why we're
here!
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: To Depressed Middle Aged SubGenii (long)
From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Tue, Feb 19, 2002 11:51 PM
Message-ID: <190220022351032110%stang@subgenius.com>

In article
<DED743D6A52C3D53.099F05FEC7120B4E.98A074E999F4CA84@lp.airnews.net>,
iDRMRSR <alexithymia@depression.org.east> wrote:

> OhmyBob! Stang...was U talking to ME?

Ha! Get in line, bub!

Actually I was thinking of somebody who's been off the ng for awhile,
what got me started on it, but then I started thinking HOW MANY
partially-old farts the whole mess of SHIT could easily apply to --
like, every other one of us, every other year.

>
> The real purpose of life seems to be to act as a conduit for money
> between one part of the Con and another. You take from the Boss Con,
> and pay up to the Fed Con. Or the Oil Con, or the Food Con. Like a
> packet of uranium pellets in some reactor.
>
> If you weren't there, it seems, the lights would go out. That's why the
> Drug Con keeps developing newer and better antidepressants, to keep them
> conduits a-flowing.
>
> But I feel much better, too, after getting a LOT more sleep these days.
> The fact is, over time, you lose your close connections to other
> people. The ones you meet after that, cow-orkers, service people, even
> the occasional squeeze, just don't stick like the old relatives and
> S.O.s of the past.

Yeah, that kinda hit home when my mom almost died. I got a lot tighter
with my brother and sister when that happened. When I got divorced I
got much closer with my kids. You don't really know where the real
Slack is coming from until some of it's gone.

>
> Litmus test: you come down with explosive diarrhea at 3 AM, slip on the
> bathroom floor in your own shit, and cannot get back up. Who do you
> call upon to help you? When the choice is between the ambulance or
> nobody, then you've gotten to where the pinnacle of existence as a human
> must be.

Well, I hope you don't slip on your shit any time soon, but in fact, we
live around the corner, and, that emergency facility is right near by
and Rev. Geo works there!

>
> Lately, I have begun to try and log 12 hours and one minute of sleep
> each evening. Thus, I can statistically claim my dream life is more
> real than reality. Well, it's more interesting, and often the food is
> better...and much less fattening. I don't know anybody's name there,
> but it's about the same here, too. And over there, the animals talk,
> you can walk around naked if you like and nobody cares, and sometimes
> you can just up and fly!

Don't start froppin! Even though you stop dreaming, you still run
around naked and talk to animals. But they care, and they throw you in
jail before you can fly away.
>
> But eventually, if you're middle-aged and depressed, you get to find
> these little safety valves, like too much sleep, while you're waiting
> around for that very special "it" to happen once again.

You can fall asleep without Melatonin??!? !!! You're a SUPERMAN!!

>
> Dang, I left my Prozac at the other place. I'll take one tomorrow, and
> do MANIC for you then!
>
> [*]
> -----
> PS, according to the National Lampoon, ca. 1974 or somewhere around
> there, they publicized the REAL meaning of Life!!!!!
>
> Martians need CANCER to power their flying saucers! That's why we're
> here!

No, no! The Martians use COW ANUSES. The VENUSIANS use cancer.

Subject: Re: To Depressed Middle Aged SubGenii (long)
From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Wed, Feb 20, 2002 12:31 AM
Message-ID: <200220020031438865%stang@subgenius.com>

In article <0VAc8.1793$9H5.1001@nwrddc01.gnilink.net>, Alliekatt
<alleykatzen@hotmail.com> wrote:

>
> I ain't going nowhere until I get laid in the Orbital Hilton in the padded
> luv suite. I don't care if the wine's in a sippy box and the cigarette
> afterwards is in a prepackaged orbitbag (c) (tm) of suspended nicotine
> flavored air. I will fuck in zero G before I die, and a 20 second knee
> trembler in the Vomit Comet ain't gonna cut it.
>
> alliekatt

!!! You must be pretty tough. I know I go on about this "Build Your Own
Ship" crap but there is NOTHING that would get me into zero gravity, a
total vacuum outside of the tuna can, and death-rays from the sun. That
shit sounds BAD, BAD BAD. I think I'll wait for the Xists.

Subject: Re: To Depressed Middle Aged SubGenii (long)
From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Wed, Feb 20, 2002 12:33 AM
Message-ID: <200220020033325425%stang@subgenius.com>

In article <3C72E28E.5A8E@succeeds.com>, nu-monet v4.0
<nothing@succeeds.com> wrote:

> Rev. Ivan Stang wrote:
> >
> > To Depressed Middle Aged SubGenii...
> >
>
> Depress less. HATE more!
>
> Yes, *that's* what Ah'm talkin' about--a sure-fire
> cure for depression. You're Dr No, and you're gonna
> build an island with a giant nuklar-powered death beam
> on it and burn the pootwaddle outa everybody and anybody
> who PISSES YOU OFF!
>

This is one of those butts-and-flying-monkeys things, isn't it.

Subject: Re: To Depressed Middle Aged SubGenii (long)
From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Wed, Feb 20, 2002 12:49 AM
Message-ID: <200220020049172266%stang@subgenius.com>

In article <82aaad7d.0202191646.53cf1d8b@posting.google.com>, Reverend
Trunk o' funk <revtrunkofunk@yahoo.com> wrote:

> "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com> wrote in message:
> > WE DIDN'T TALK ABOUT OUR HEALTH PROBLEMS! For a change, not one of us
>
>
> All is Dukkha, baba. GET SLACK!

I was once manning my van-side Sales Booth at a rock festival at
Brushwood called Strange Daze, when this naked hippie came prancing up
to me, jabbering about how everybody was too uptight and we should all
get naked. I gave him what was probably a look of "Are you this corny
FOR REAL?", which he mistook for squares-ville uptightness, whereupon
he LEAPT UP ONTO THE TOP OF MY VAN, prancing and unwittingly (since he
was witless) putting DENTS IN THE TOP, saying, "Don't be so UPTIGHT,
MAN"!

I told him to get the fuck down and when he didn't, I started up after
him -- he fled very much like a naked little rabbit, and I heard that
he cowered in his tent for an hour while his acid wore off.

I really don't like prancing naked hippies telling me I'm too uptight
and need Slack. So I hope you have your clothes on.

>
>
> > if you're raising a kid or five. We've only got TWENTY YEARS before our
> > teeth are GONE, everything hurts ALL the time, people condescend to us
> > because of our hopelessly outdated world views, etc. etc.???
>
>
> Ah-so, This Mortal TESLA Coil. Marshall Herff Applewhite, "The Big
> (Hale) Bopper", stepped-up to the saucer plate shortly after his
> health began to fail.
> We are all in the gutter, but some of us are lookin' at the SAUCERS?
> What all are you DOIN'? Stay alive, baba! Friends don't let friends
> rant drunk - par'tica'lar'ly when barbituates and applesauce are
> involved. You will NOT be seen dressed all in black. You will NOT wear
> white Nikes. You will NOT track comets with that nifty-difty Edmunds
> Scientific doodad telescope y'all MIGHT-but-I-don't-know-fo'sho' have.
> YOU... WILL... NOT!!! Unless it's part of a rockin' Heaven's Gate
> revue with all proceeds goin' to "Bob."
>
>
> > My message is, DON'T JUMP!!
>
>
> Aw shucks, okey-doke! Beats me fer not readin' ahead.

I take back what I said about not jumping.

NAW just kidding, but it does remind me of this guy that collared me --
at that same festival, come to think of it -- saying, "Stang, I read
that article in Excluded Middle about your abduction by UFOs so now I'm
going to tell you all about my girlfriend's UFO abduction, and"
"Hey man, you didn't finish the article. I DREAMED I had an abduction
experience after seeing the movie COMMUNION. I think the typical
abduction story is a CROCK." But he wasn't hearing any of it... he
proceeded on to tell me all about his fucking girlfriend's fucking
corny abduction experience.

Here in SubGeniusland we often start out slow in order to build to a
sort of punchline or climax, so the first sentences don't always
contain hologram-like compressions of the entire article or rant.

KIDS!!! SHEESH! You just can't get 'em to read. it's that damn boob
toob I tell ye.

Subject: Re: To Depressed Middle Aged SubGenii (long)
From: "nu-monet v4.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Reply-To: like.excess@sex.org
Date: Wed, Feb 20, 2002 9:48 AM
Message-ID: <3C73B76B.703E@succeeds.com>

Rev. Ivan Stang wrote:
>
> In article <3C72E28E.5A8E@succeeds.com>, nu-monet v4.0
> <nothing@succeeds.com> wrote:
>
> > Rev. Ivan Stang wrote:
> > >
> > > To Depressed Middle Aged SubGenii...
> > >
> >
> > Depress less. HATE more!
> >
> > Yes, *that's* what Ah'm talkin' about--a sure-fire
> > cure for depression. You're Dr No, and you're gonna
> > build an island with a giant nuklar-powered death beam
> > on it and burn the pootwaddle outa everybody and anybody
> > who PISSES YOU OFF!
> >
>
> This is one of those butts-and-flying-monkeys things, isn't it.
>

No, it *isn't* one of those butts-and-flying-monkey things
Mr Gnaw-It-All. But I'll have you gnaw, that if it *were*
a butts-and-flying-monkey things thing, that it *wouldn't*
be just a hither-come-thither, fair weather whether either
or neither thing; it would be a "profitus all" scenario.

What? might you ask, THE HELL am I talking about?

I'll tell you.

Butts-and-flying-monkeys-things are the very POLYESTER FABRIC
OF THE FUTURE! The core of the apple of tomorrowland! The
EXACT center of the onion which is our des-tiny!

Oh, granted there might be a greater percentage of butts in
the future, or perhaps an inverse ration of flying monkey
things. OR MAYBE, just of all, COPIOUS and LUBRICIOUS
quantities of butts-AND-flying-monkey things for EVERYONE!

Dare I say it? I dare!

It might even be FLYING BUTT-MONKEY THINGS!

So STAND BACK! as I GENERATE OUR MONKEY POSTERIORITY!

For us and our posteriority.

--
SLACK:
In 1927, Bertie Oostermart of the Netherlands
wrote to Santa Claus asking for a chocolate
bicycle, an indian costume and a canary.
74 years later his letter was found by Jean
Olf Lammers, who discovered Bertie was still
alive, so he bought the stuff on the list and
presented it to Bertie.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: To Depressed Middle Aged SubGenii (long)
From: "Bryan J. Maloney" <bjm10@cornell.edu>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Wed, Feb 20, 2002 1:57 PM
Message-ID: <bjm10-CDFD54.13572220022002@newsstand.cit.cornell.edu>

In article <190220021257193416%stang@subgenius.com>, "Rev. Ivan Stang"
<stang@subgenius.com> wrote:

> alive. I know how that is. But SLEEP is truly the ultimate narcotic,

Hadn't you already told us all that in Book of the SubGenius? You knew
all along.

--
America is a wonderful country. Where else could a young Black man like
Michael Jackson grow up to be a middle-aged White woman?
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: To Depressed Middle Aged SubGenii (long)
From: "Bryan J. Maloney" <bjm10@cornell.edu>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Wed, Feb 20, 2002 2:01 PM
Message-ID: <bjm10-057955.14015420022002@newsstand.cit.cornell.edu>

In article <200220020049172266%stang@subgenius.com>, "Rev. Ivan Stang"
<stang@subgenius.com> wrote:

> Here in SubGeniusland we often start out slow in order to build to a
> sort of punchline or climax, so the first sentences don't always
> contain hologram-like compressions of the entire article or rant.
>
> KIDS!!! SHEESH! You just can't get 'em to read. it's that damn boob
> toob I tell ye.

The problem is that nobody teaches them how to write, anymore.

Subject: Re: To Depressed Middle Aged SubGenii (long)
From: cmiller@trellis.net (Almerich)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Reply-To: cmiller@trellis.net
Date: Wed, Feb 20, 2002 3:45 PM
Message-ID: <00020120154338.OUI30.cmiller@trellis.net>

On February 20 2002, "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com> wrote:

> KIDS!!! SHEESH! You just can't get 'em to read. it's that damn boob
> toob I tell ye.

Too many toobs, not enough boobs. Happens all the time.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: To Depressed Middle Aged SubGenii (long)
From: "Blackout" <blackout@404infomagic.net>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Wed, Feb 20, 2002 4:34 PM
Message-ID: <eEUc8.71$M97.144560@news.uswest.net>

"Kevan" wrote

> > Meet Spackling Boy.
>
> Blessings to you, Huey.

hey shithead, do us all a favor and break your neck while learning to
suck your own dick.

you fucked up a top quality Stang thread by inserting your mewling into
it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: To Depressed Middle Aged SubGenii (long)
From: "Chas. 'Mark' Bee" <c-bee1@uiuc.edu>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Wed, Feb 20, 2002 5:05 PM
Message-ID: <3C741DA0.8E61A9FB@uiuc.edu>

Alliekatt wrote:
>
> "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com> wrote in message
> news:190220021257193416%stang@subgenius.com...
> > You just wait till you haven't been able to SHIT for three days. THEN
> > you'll know what's IMPORTANT in life.
> >
> > *Luckily this has not happened to me yet. I think I am gonna go heat up
> > one of those Boca sausages right now and have a couple of prunes with
> > it. THEN A GREAT BIG FAT FROPSTICK shovd right in that SPECIAL HOLE,
> > AHHHHHH. And some random Pink somewhere will go another day without
> > falling victim to The East Cleveland Sledgehammer Slayer.
>
> I ain't going nowhere until I get laid in the Orbital Hilton in the padded
> luv suite. I don't care if the wine's in a sippy box and the cigarette
> afterwards is in a prepackaged orbitbag (c) (tm) of suspended nicotine
> flavored air. I will fuck in zero G before I die, and a 20 second knee
> trembler in the Vomit Comet ain't gonna cut it.
>
> alliekatt

Zero gee sex sucks (unless you each have four hands, maybe), and you
have to clean the big red straps each time or the dried spooge gets in
the air plant and makes the whole ship smell like old socks.

There are magnetic corsets for those who don't mind breathing their
own hair, but if you really get going, you can pop loose, and if you
think Fallout (the world's fastest four-handed game) is bad in Gs, well...

Now, lunar sex, that's the stuff. All of what you *think* you want,
and none of the odd problems you *don't know about* yet. Trust me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: To Depressed Middle Aged SubGenii (long)
From: Lou Scannon <scannon@lmountain.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Reply-To: 66635@sfhitl6ips.com
Date: Wed, Feb 20, 2002 5:52 PM
Message-ID: <rla87u0j5vae70iecita10e1hqtd96pp7v@4ax.com>

On Wed, 20 Feb 2002 14:34:43 -0700, "Blackout"
<blackout@404infomagic.net> wrote:

>
>"K____" wrote
>
>> > Meet Spackling Boy.
>>
>> Blessings to you, Huey.
>
>hey shithead, do us all a favor and break your neck while learning to
>suck your own dick.
>
>you fucked up a top quality Stang thread by inserting your mewling into
>it.
>
Kill file the little twirp, if everybody did it he'd go away
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: To Depressed Middle Aged SubGenii (long)
From: thereheis99@hotmail.com (Rev. Crawford)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Wed, Feb 20, 2002 6:40 PM
Message-ID: <129b702.0202201540.6eed91ed@posting.google.com>

iDRMRSR <alexithymia@depression.org.east> wrote in message news:<DED743D6A52C3D53.099F05FEC7120B4E.98A074E999F4CA84@lp.airnews.net>...
REAL meaning of Life!!!!!
>
> Martians need CANCER to power their flying saucers! That's why we're
> here!

WHOOPS! That's close enough to the REAL Real Truth to be disturbing.
Be prepared for a visit from the reanimated corpse of Ouspensky
sometime between April Fools' Day and the release of the next Lord of
the Rings installment.

You've been warned.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: To Depressed Middle Aged SubGenii (long)
From: mumthra@yoo-ess-ay.net (Mumthra)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Thu, Feb 21, 2002 6:29 AM
Message-ID: <3c74d93b.8691063@news.mindspring.com>

On Tue, 19 Feb 2002 12:57:19 -0500, "Rev. Ivan Stang"
<stang@subgenius.com> wrote:

>To Depressed Middle Aged SubGenii
>
>This may even include some teenagers and youths who happen to be 18
>going on 55, so to speak. But probably not, because it's mainly about
>health problems.
>
>I was talking to my old Old Friend, Pope Sternodox, yesterday, and
>following that I phoned my even older pal, Dr. G. Gordon Gordon...

The idea that Triple G is still gggoing gives me reassurance--just
like the way you occasionally blort these reflections on usenet does.

We all reach a point where NOT properly eating, sleeping, and fucking
makes everything else impossible.

I guess you could be grateful that you didn't reach your point SOONER.

---------------------------------------------------
This was probably posted by Mumthra
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: "MOULIN ROUGE" heap weird-good
From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Wed, Feb 20, 2002 12:00 AM
Message-ID: <200220020000426934%stang@subgenius.com>

In article <a4uvpp021cc@drn.newsguy.com>, HellPope Huey
<hellpopehuey@subspamgeenyus.com> wrote:

> In article <190220021417021125%stang@subgenius.com>, "Rev. says...
>
> >My two cents worth is, it was impressive as hell on all levels, except
> >something crucial seemed to be missing from it. It all seemed "forced"
> >and affected in a way I can't quite put my finger on.
>
> Because aside from being a big BWAAAHH to the face and nerve endings, the
> root
> is based on a buncha desperate French art wankers trying to stay afloat in a
> repressive, depressive, regressive, big-messive world and get a happy
> creative
> organization up on its feet for real. Sound like anybody you *cough* know?
> But
> it keeps boppin' all the way, which is tres nummy nummers. And fuck that
> duke,
> why couldn't he just get a lesser hooker, ride the wild butt and get OVER
> hisself? Further proof that most rich people ARE or BECOME MAJOR MAJOR
> AZZHOLES.
>
> >In fact, Wei
> >and I didn't bother to watch all the way through.
>
> SHAME on you! Then you missed the really psychedelic Indian finish and cool
> music thereof. Reminds me people walking out of John Carpenter's "The Thing"
> BEFORE Richard Dysart gets his forearms bitten off. And that's a shame.

It's in the can. All movies are in the can and I can see any one of
them almost any time I want, through the miracle of money. I actually
had something better to do in real life, Hail Connie.

>
> >It delighted our eyes
> >and ears, but left us rather emotionally detached. (I have the same
> >problem with BRAZIL, even though Terry Gilliam is a Hero.)
>
> But THAT was by DESIGN, doktor, dontcha know.

Yeah I DO know, and it's a good experiment, but it still pissed me off.
You have to understand how JEALOUS I was of Terry Gilliam at the time
too. It was SO CLOSE to what I wanted to do, and when he didn't do it
just the way I would have wanted, it was infuriating. That's MY
problem though.

I've read that the female lead was a serious mistake, and came off much
even less sympathetic than intended.

>
> >I'll be glad when this birthday "girl movie" streak is over and we can
> >catch up on the dinosaurs-and-explosions types of movies. Now THOSE are
> >emotionally engaging. I get very emotional over how cool the dinosaurs
> >and explosions look, sometimes.
>
> I've been let down by the qualty of the dino flicks of late. Since J-Park,
> you
> can friggin' BUY dino models on a CD-ROM for a few hunnerd bucks and it all
> looks like that syndic-abortion 'Lost World.'

Well, I really meant giant monsters in general.

>
> However, despite Saint Byron Werner's admonition that They have fucked with
> the
> story, I'm CREAMIN' to see the new "Time Machine." Somehow, the promos make
> me
> feel as if I'm gonna get the Little Pope massage from that'un. Therefore, I
> still live.
>

The online previews indicate gorgeous matte paintings, and gigantic
variances from the original story, possibly for more choice in action
figures for the kiddies. There are now Hunter Morlocks and Spy Morlocks
and an Uber Morlock. I suppose they might have borrowed from the
novel's sequel, THE TIME SHIPS, a fucking incredible update, Stephen
Baxter I think wrote it, 1995.

Subject: Re: "MOULIN ROUGE" heap weird-good
From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Wed, Feb 20, 2002 12:05 AM
Message-ID: <200220020005153337%stang@subgenius.com>

In article <wcEc8.322$8a5.248253@news.uswest.net>, Blackout
<blackout@404infomagic.net> wrote:

>
> I read a review of Moulin Rouge that said it was all climax, every
> single scene without pause and not much between and lost interest in it
> right there.

That's not a bad description. It hammers you numb because it doesn't
let up for breathers. The movie me and Cordt Holland cut, ARISE, while
a completely different type of animal, suffers from the same problem --
it's too relentless to take in one sitting, practically.

>
> Chocolat was a well made movie about not much with a dash of Johnny Depp
> in the middle for no real reason at all.

It's the first time I was ever disappointed with a Johnny Depp
performance. He's much better with nutty characters than this stoic
romance novel stuff. The MAYOR dude was GREAT, though.

>
> Ever see the dutch version of The Vanishing?

Nay, heard it kicks ass though.

I made a version of THE TIME MACHINE when I was 12 but only got as far
as the guy meeting the first Eloi -- then I ran out of cast.

Subject: Re: "MOULIN ROUGE" heap weird-good
From: "Bryan J. Maloney" <bjm10@cornell.edu>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Wed, Feb 20, 2002 1:23 PM
Message-ID: <bjm10-E52160.13235020022002@newsstand.cit.cornell.edu>

In article <190220021417021125%stang@subgenius.com>, "Rev. Ivan Stang"
<stang@subgenius.com> wrote:

> My two cents worth is, it was impressive as hell on all levels, except
> something crucial seemed to be missing from it. It all seemed "forced"
> and affected in a way I can't quite put my finger on. Didn't seem

You mean that it's essentially The Musical for our Time.

Subject: Re: "MOULIN ROUGE" heap weird-good
From: slaac@yahoo.com (Rev. Lemuel Atom)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Wed, Feb 20, 2002 5:31 PM
Message-ID: <49b3655d.0202201431.12c9ff05@posting.google.com>

HellPope Huey <hellpopehuey@subspamgeenyus.com> wrote in message news:<a4uuiu01v4b@drn.newsguy.com>...
> In article <49b3655d.0202191311.7e243555@posting.google.com>, slaac@yahoo.com
> says...
> >Interesting review. However, you mentioned "Spawn," thus invalidating
> >whatever validity your opinion may originally have had, if any. Melly
> >Chlistmas.
>
> Hey, fuck you, you KNOW you've seen it. And you'll go to the sequel, too.
> Anything with CGI, especially *GROSS* CGI, draws SubGs like flies to Janor.

OF COURSE, I've seen it, how else would I know what a monumental
bow-wow it was? Worse, I actually paid to see it in the damn theater -
worst waste of entertainment monies since "Spaceballs"
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: "MOULIN ROUGE" heap weird-good
From: HellPope Huey <hellpopehuey@subspamgeenyus.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Thu, Feb 21, 2002 12:33 AM
Message-ID: <a520qf02h7t@drn.newsguy.com>

In article <49b3655d.0202201431.12c9ff05@posting.google.com>, slaac@yahoo.com
says...
>>HellPope Huey <hellpopehuey@subspamgeenyus.com> wrote in message
news:<a4uuiu01v4b@drn.newsguy.com>...
>>In article <49b3655d.0202191311.7e243555@posting.google.com>, slaac@yahoo.com
>> says...
>> >Interesting review. However, you mentioned "Spawn," thus invalidating
>> >whatever validity your opinion may originally have had, if any. Melly
>> >Chlistmas.
>>
>> Hey, fuck you, you KNOW you've seen it. And you'll go to the sequel, too.
>> Anything with CGI, especially *GROSS* CGI, draws SubGs like flies to Janor.
>
>OF COURSE, I've seen it, how else would I know what a monumental
>bow-wow it was? Worse, I actually paid to see it in the damn theater -
>worst waste of entertainment monies since "Spaceballs"

You ain't gonna get no snotty judgement from ME! I once paid a dollar to see
"Child's Play 3" and wanted 87 cents back. I obviously had ZIP to do, was
EXTREMELY STONED and I STILL felt boned. Worst waste of a high since the cops
pulled up in a great rush to enter the NEXT DOOR neighbor's house.

Of course, I'll be seein' 'Spawn TWO' anyway. Both your prayers and your
insults are thus wasted.

HellPope Huey, hellpopehuey@subgenius.com
I tried out for the lead
in the live-action version
of "Invader Zim,"
but my thighs are too big. Damnit.

"Wouldn't it be great
if all of Osama bin Laden's money
was tied up in Enron stock?"
- Dennis Miller

"Its total truck domination!"
- Ford commercial

"After a brief discussion,
we've decide that you're a lying scumbag."
- "Special Unit 2"
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: To Depressed Middle Aged SubGenii (long)
From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Thu, Feb 21, 2002 11:32 AM
Message-ID: <210220021132252220%stang@subgenius.com>

In article <bjm10-CDFD54.13572220022002@newsstand.cit.cornell.edu>,
Bryan J. Maloney <bjm10@cornell.edu> wrote:

> In article <190220021257193416%stang@subgenius.com>, "Rev. Ivan Stang"
> <stang@subgenius.com> wrote:
>
> > alive. I know how that is. But SLEEP is truly the ultimate narcotic,
>
> Hadn't you already told us all that in Book of the SubGenius? You knew
> all along.

Actually that was a Philo line. But basically, we all already knew
everything that's in BoSG, before it was published; it's all stuff you
would know anyway, it's just the kind of stuff you keep FORGETTING, or,
think you can blow off forever. And you CAN blow it off forever --
WHILE YOU'RE YOUNG and UNDEPRESSED! That's the only time you HAVE
forever, so ENJOY it!

Subject: Re: To Depressed Middle Aged SubGenii (long)
From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Thu, Feb 21, 2002 11:33 AM
Message-ID: <210220021133275918%stang@subgenius.com>

In article <bjm10-057955.14015420022002@newsstand.cit.cornell.edu>,
Bryan J. Maloney <bjm10@cornell.edu> wrote:

> In article <200220020049172266%stang@subgenius.com>, "Rev. Ivan Stang"
> <stang@subgenius.com> wrote:
>

> >
> > KIDS!!! SHEESH! You just can't get 'em to read. it's that damn boob
> > toob I tell ye.
>
>
> The problem is that nobody teaches them how to write, anymore.

GOOD!! More work for me.

Subject: Re: To Depressed Middle Aged SubGenii (long)
From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Thu, Feb 21, 2002 11:48 AM
Message-ID: <210220021148018532%stang@subgenius.com>

In article <rla87u0j5vae70iecita10e1hqtd96pp7v@4ax.com>, Lou Scannon
<scannon@lmountain.com> wrote:

> On Wed, 20 Feb 2002 14:34:43 -0700, "Blackout"
> <blackout@404infomagic.net> wrote:
>
> >
> >"K____" wrote
> >
> >> > Meet Spackling Boy.
> >>
> >> Blessings to you, Huey.
> >
> >hey shithead, do us all a favor and break your neck while learning to
> >suck your own dick.
> >
> >you fucked up a top quality Stang thread by inserting your mewling into
> >it.
> >
> Kill file the little twirp, if everybody did it he'd go away

Boy, it sure worked for me. I killfiled him -- first time I ever did
that -- and by Gobbs if the depressing bucket of ill will didn't go
away. Now it's like there's an ocean breeze blowing through alt.slack,
a refreshing, cleansing wash of fine salty fresh air. 'Cause MOST of
the folks on alt.slack, even (or ESPECIALLY) when spewing some insane
biased hatred or another, seem pretty cool and have a good 'whiffread'
to 'em.

And if that other depressing bucket of ill will, ("SAY HIS NAME AGAIN
AND HE'LL APPEAR"), ever comes back, I'll know what to do then, too.
Holy shit. I just realized... is it possible "he" is gone because I
ALREADY KILLFILED HIM, but forgot? And so did everybody else, so he's
the only one who even sees himself on any newsreader?

COOL!

AHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Sllaaaaaaaaaack.

Hey, and somebody DID order that "Yet 11 More Hours of Slack in Stereo
Mp3"* CDR from me yesterday, so everything WAS completely PERFECT.

Thanks to my smart buying cousin, one of the REAL Smiths.

*As opposed to its companion volume, "Yet 11 More Hours of Slack in
Sterno Mp3"

Subject: Re: To Depressed Middle Aged SubGenii (long)
From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Thu, Feb 21, 2002 11:55 AM
Message-ID: <210220021155355806%stang@subgenius.com>

In article <3c74d93b.8691063@news.mindspring.com>, Mumthra
<mumthra@yoo-ess-ay.net> wrote:

> On Tue, 19 Feb 2002 12:57:19 -0500, "Rev. Ivan Stang"
> <stang@subgenius.com> wrote:
>
> >following that I phoned my even older pal, Dr. G. Gordon Gordon...
>
> The idea that Triple G is still gggoing gives me reassurance--just
> like the way you occasionally blort these reflections on usenet does.
>
> We all reach a point where NOT properly eating, sleeping, and fucking
> makes everything else impossible.
>
> I guess you could be grateful that you didn't reach your point SOONER.

Oh, actually I think sooner might be easier to deal with than later.
That's assuming NOTHING TOTALLY UNTHINKABLY GOD-AWFUL ISN'T COMING
HEADLONG FROM RIGHT AROUND THE BEND AT FULL SPEED RIGHT NOW EVEN AS WE
TALK!!

Hmmm, something just occurred to me. Maybe the secret to GGG and
Sterno's prosperity right now is directly connected to the decreased
amount of time they spend fucking around on a usenet newsgroup.

HMMMMMM. Hmm.

Maybe that bears pondering. But thank you for the kind words anyway.

"Here's to your fuck, Frank."

Subject: Re: To Depressed Middle Aged SubGenii (long)
From: "Blackout" <blackout@404infomagic.net>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Thu, Feb 21, 2002 2:19 PM
Message-ID: <CLbd8.397$rR1.109652@news.uswest.net>

"Rev. Ivan Stang" wrote

> > >> Blessings to you, Huey.
> > >
> > >hey shithead, do us all a favor and break your neck while learning
to
> > >suck your own dick.
> > >
> > >you fucked up a top quality Stang thread by inserting your mewling
into
> > >it.
> > >
> > Kill file the little twirp, if everybody did it he'd go away
>
> Boy, it sure worked for me. I killfiled him -- first time I ever did
> that -- and by Gobbs if the depressing bucket of ill will didn't go
> away. Now it's like there's an ocean breeze blowing through
alt.slack,
> a refreshing, cleansing wash of fine salty fresh air. 'Cause MOST of
> the folks on alt.slack, even (or ESPECIALLY) when spewing some insane
> biased hatred or another, seem pretty cool and have a good 'whiffread'
> to 'em.

I always thought it was better to keep an eye on them but that tepid
motherfucker is such an energy suck I think I'll join you.

SEE YA LATER, SHREVEPORT SHITSUCKER.

<plonk>
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: To Depressed Middle Aged SubGenii (long)
From: Reverend DJ Epoch <nunyabiz@noway.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Fri, Feb 22, 2002 11:52 AM
Message-ID: <3C767733.485FC2D2@noway.com>

Blackout basked in the glow of all-knowing Slack as he proclaimed:

> "Rev. Ivan Stang" wrote
>
> > > >> Blessings to you, Huey.
> > > >
> > > >hey shithead, do us all a favor and break your neck while learning to
>
> > > >suck your own dick.
> > > >
> > > >you fucked up a top quality Stang thread by inserting your mewling
> into

> > > >it.

> > > >
> > > Kill file the little twirp, if everybody did it he'd go away
> >
> > Boy, it sure worked for me. I killfiled him -- first time I ever did
> > that -- and by Gobbs if the depressing bucket of ill will didn't go
> > away. Now it's like there's an ocean breeze blowing through
> alt.slack,
> > a refreshing, cleansing wash of fine salty fresh air. 'Cause MOST of
> > the folks on alt.slack, even (or ESPECIALLY) when spewing some insane
> > biased hatred or another, seem pretty cool and have a good 'whiffread'
> > to 'em.
>
> I always thought it was better to keep an eye on them but that tepid
> motherfucker is such an energy suck I think I'll join you.
>
> SEE YA LATER, SHREVEPORT SHITSUCKER.
>
> <plonk>

What took you guys soo long? I have been happily SpoogeBoy free for several
months now. It's like he's not even there...You know, if you just killfile
'em and if others woudn't bother to comment on his postings, itd be just
like he vanished into oblivion.

------------------------
Rev. DJ Epoch

"This Church is so big on titties that it's almost mandatory for all our
front doors to have knockers." - Paul E. Jamison

*PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE TROLLS"
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: To Depressed Middle Aged SubGenii (long)
From: "Blackout" <blackout@404infomagic.net>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Fri, Feb 22, 2002 2:40 PM
Message-ID: <T8xd8.56$Lf1.66234@news.uswest.net>

"Reverend DJ Epoch" wrote

> > > > >> Blessings to you, Huey.
> > > > >
> > > > >hey shithead, do us all a favor and break your neck while
learning to
> >
> > > > >suck your own dick.
> > > > >
> > > > >you fucked up a top quality Stang thread by inserting your
mewling
> > into
>
> > > > >it.
>
> > > > >
> > > > Kill file the little twirp, if everybody did it he'd go away
> > >
> > > Boy, it sure worked for me. I killfiled him -- first time I ever
did
> > > that -- and by Gobbs if the depressing bucket of ill will didn't
go
> > > away. Now it's like there's an ocean breeze blowing through
> > alt.slack,
> > > a refreshing, cleansing wash of fine salty fresh air. 'Cause MOST
of
> > > the folks on alt.slack, even (or ESPECIALLY) when spewing some
insane
> > > biased hatred or another, seem pretty cool and have a good
'whiffread'
> > > to 'em.
> >
> > I always thought it was better to keep an eye on them but that tepid
> > motherfucker is such an energy suck I think I'll join you.
> >
> > SEE YA LATER, SHREVEPORT SHITSUCKER.
> >
> > <plonk>
>
> What took you guys soo long? I have been happily SpoogeBoy free for
several
> months now. It's like he's not even there...You know, if you just
killfile
> 'em and if others woudn't bother to comment on his postings, itd be
just
> like he vanished into oblivion.

it's fun to keep an eye on the shitlame and kick them in the nuts like
they so desperately crave, but when they SUCK SO HARD that you have to
expend energy to free your boot from their scrotum it's HOWDY DOODY time
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: To Depressed Middle Aged SubGenii (long)
From: Her Ladyship Lilith von Fraumench <lilith@ZubJenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Fri, Feb 22, 2002 10:33 PM
Message-ID: <220220021933011239%lilith@ZubJenius.com>

In article <190220021257193416%stang@subgenius.com>, Rev. Ivan Stang
<stang@subgenius.com> wrote:

> Hot pastrami sandwich.

I spent this morning crying, depressed, worried that my best friend had
drifted away, and in general bummed out. And, before I had even read
this article, I had decided I had to go out and get a hot pastrami
sandwich. I've been in a good, if gaseous, mood since. Such wisdom.

Her Ladyship Lilith

--
\m/ -=8=- http://lilith.foolspress.com/ -=8=- \m/
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: To Depressed Middle Aged SubGenii (long)
From: Her Ladyship Lilith von Fraumench <lilith@ZubJenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Fri, Feb 22, 2002 10:34 PM
Message-ID: <220220021934407213%lilith@ZubJenius.com>

In article <200220020031438865%stang@subgenius.com>, Rev. Ivan Stang
<stang@subgenius.com> wrote:

> !!! You must be pretty tough. I know I go on about this "Build Your Own
> Ship" crap but there is NOTHING that would get me into zero gravity, a
> total vacuum outside of the tuna can, and death-rays from the sun. That
> shit sounds BAD, BAD BAD. I think I'll wait for the Xists.

Shit, and I was planning on getting you a gift certificate towards a
spacechute ride with Canadian Arrow! Oh well.

Her Ladyship Lilith

--
\m/ -=8=- http://lilith.foolspress.com/ -=8=- \m/
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: To Depressed Middle Aged SubGenii (long)
From: "Alliekatt" <alleykatzen@hotmail.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Sat, Feb 23, 2002 2:09 AM
Message-ID: <KeHd8.59$Vc.33@nwrddc03.gnilink.net>

"Reverend DJ Epoch" <nunyabiz@noway.com> wrote in message
news:3C767733.485FC2D2@noway.com...
> What took you guys soo long? I have been happily SpoogeBoy free for
several
> months now. It's like he's not even there...You know, if you just killfile
> 'em and if others woudn't bother to comment on his postings, itd be just
> like he vanished into oblivion.

Duh. I only respond when other people have ended up wigging on him after
reading something he wrote that I didn't see. Now NOBODY will waste their
time wiggin on him and a.s will be FREE of k3v4n except for the occasional
haunted newsreader of his yes-poopies who don't have the heart to say
*PLONKEROONI!*

Jolly good show, Stang; but then you already know how to tune out those who
can't even play the game right as losers.

alliekatt

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Original file name: To Depressed Middle Aged SubGen - converted on Monday, 21 July 2003, 13:44