Subject: My Drinking Problem

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>

Yesterday it was pretty hot here. And dry. I was happily busting ass on
various things, but I didn't drink enough water. In the evening, I
developed a pretty bad headache that was certainly from dehydration. So
I caught up on my water drinking. Drank about 4 glasses in an hour. My
headache went away and I helped Princess Wei watch part of the movie
"Chasing Amy," which we both found embarrassing, much like the same
director's "Dogma," which we likewise couldn't finish.

THEN I WENT TO BED.

At 3 am I woke up from a dream of monsters to a monstrously full
bladder. It was so full that its weight pressed down on its own tiny
drain-hole, making for dreadfully SLOW PEEING when I most desperately
wanted to pee fast. Even sitting down like a girl, it took so long that
I woke up fully and had to read half of George Saunder's anthology
"Civilwarland in Bad Decline" before I could fall back asleep.

IF YOU SLEEP, DON'T DRINK.

IF YOU MUST DRINK, DON'T SLEEP.

P.S. I got my first email from my mom today! I was able to send her a
link to a secret website with family pictures -- and by the wonders of
modern technology, she was able not only to see the pictures, but to
then email me back that she had seen them! IT'S A FUCKING MIRACLE!!

George Saunder's anthology "Civilwarland in Bad Decline" is a
collection of his morbidly funny novellas and short stories that all
take place in extremely fucked up theme parks. My son sent it to me for
my birthday. It is not unlike Joe Lansdale's great East Texas sick
humor horror stories. My dad sent me "The Dogbody Papers" by E.O.
Parrott, which is basically a series of lampoons and inside jokes for
those with some background in classical history of Western Civ.
Besides those, I am on a campaign to read every single story in Isaac
Asimov's Robots and Foundation universe, even though they are awful in
certain ways. In other ways they are HEAVENLY.

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Subject: Re: My Drinking Problem
From: El Queso <the_cheese_23@yahoo.com>

Stang,
I will tell you my secret. I just eat something that will make me
farty before bed. Wake up with an uncomfortably full bladder? No problem
- BRAAATTT!!! - More room in yer body for your bladder to stretch. I
look at it as an offshoot of excremeditation. It usually only buys you
about a half hour - but it is a slackful half hour. I dunno how much Wei
will like my idea...

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Subject: Re: My Drinking Problem
From: KRONOS <null@void.com>

> IF YOU SLEEP, DON'T DRINK.
> IF YOU MUST DRINK, DON'T SLEEP.

This sounds similar to the torment Dante devised for the gluttonous in
Hell. He gave them infinite appetites and throats the size of
needles. By the way, I hear tell that on the Pleasure Saucers, they
have nanotech catheters that slide in smooth as silk(giving a small
orgasm on the way in) and that drain you like a popped water
balloon. Thats what I hear tell.

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Original file name: My Drinking Problem - converted on Monday, 21 July 2003, 13:44