Subject: House Full of Lies (or, DON'T KILL YOURSELF YET)

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Wed, Nov 6, 2002 12:11 PM

House Full of Lies. That's what we had here last night when St. Palmer
Vreedeez and his lovely girlfriend, let's call her "Weena," came
through Northern Ohio on a road-and-family trip. (LIES, like DEVO,
started in Akron. At the same toxic high school!)

It was Old Old SubGenius Reunion Night. We fondly reminisced about the
grand and glorious days of yesteryear when we fought fair maidens,
rescued bad guys, and hung corrupt sherriffs in the town square, before
we retired to our whittlin'. We gossiped way on into the night about
YOU, YOU and YOU.

As I expected, the first thing Palmer did when he entered the
Slackermansion was to eyeball the living room for the rare and valuable
Paul Mavrides art posters he had given me in the past. I could see the
look of approval on his face as he saw that they were indeed in their
appointed niches, and properly framed.

He informed me that his bathroom his been renovated so that it is now
completely covered floor to ceiling in FRAMED SubGenius art originals.
His house is crammed with framed art originals, but apparently the
SubGenius related stuff is ALL in the "loo."

I will be there next month and so will photograph that bathroom.

I asked LIES if I could make Cafe Press Xmas ornaments out of the
Triangle Logos that he made for the first page of each Chapter of
Revelation X, to sell commercially, and he said NO, for he is using
those graphics in SECRET PAINTINGS. So if you youths or Codgers Trying
to Look Youngish were thinking of getting those graphics tattooed onto
your face or something, you might want to wait for the color version to
come out.

As always, we discussed housing prices. For over a century, Vreedeez
has lived in an apartment in the Mission District of San Francisco.
Until the dotcom boom of the late 90s it was... the Mission District.
Cheap. Down home. Full of scary bums and artists. In a very short time,
the rents went from $300 a month to $3,000 a month. Vreedeez had rent
control, so the landlord could only hate him and fume. All the artists
except Vreedeez and neighbor Dr. Howll were run out by the prices, and
all the cool music clubs shut down. Now, of course, following the
Crashes, the dot-commies are the bums in the street, and the apartments
are all empty and still $3,000 a month.

Palmer and his girlfriend have been pricing houses in the Bay area for
a while now. He said that the plain medium sized house that I have in
Cleveland, with front and back yard, were it in San Francisco, would be
worth 4 million dollars.

4 fucking million fucking peeing dollars for a plain ordinary house
with a yard. (I traded some beads for mine, by comparison.)

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I think I'll keep my job and Slack Off.

We even talked geek talk, since Palmer is a fellow Macintosh user and
Weena works for a software publishing company. It's so nice to be
reminded that there IS a world where Macintosh OS rules, and Windows is
the silly little minority joke for amateurs, office drone Pinks and
home dweebs. My son, who recently got a good job at a slick commercial
production house in LA on account of he is handsome and cool, and has
my Emergentile gene, informed me that on that planet, people APOLOGIZE
when they have to bring in a Windows formatted disk. Indeed he got his
job specifically because he was a wiz with OS X, Final Cut Pro and all
that pure-Mac shit, and in the first week made himself indispensable.

Most of my time is spent dealing with YOU PEOPLE, who are ALL uniformly
Windows-fux who think that that's what's "cool" and "normal." It makes
me feel even more like a crazy man, for having gone with Macs in 1983
when I had to face the future. (And Betamax instead of VHS.). I would
read wistfully in the Mac trade mags of this far-way magical world
where we were respectable citizens, the world of publishers and movie
editors in places far away, far from the likes of Dallas or Cleveland.

It's REAL!! THERE IS SUCH A WORLD!! I don't want to need $4 million
just for a house, so I will stay here in Cheap Land with the Windows
People. But it's good to know that the tales and legends weren't just
myths after all, but based on a real place that once existed in
history.

Anyway... Palmer Vreedeez looked hale and hearty and was in the most
CHIPPER spirits. Yes, CHIPPER. Yes -- Palmer Vreedeez, CHIPPER. He
cracked wise like 18 motherfuckers, and was coming up with about 10
cartoon concepts per hour. He'd leap out of his chair to reenact
stories of true absurdity he had witnessed. Crackling lights danced at
the ends of his neck-bolts. That capering cartoonist kept me, Wei and
Weena in stitches with his jollity long into the night.

As I watched him and Weena fitting together like a HAPPILY MARRIED
COUPLE practically, it sunk in. Truly these must be the end times.

For, now, it's not only the unthinkables, Legume, Nenslo, Sterno, GGG
and Stang... now, even the meanest, blackest, bleakest, motherfucker
of all, Saint Palmer Vreedeez, has found The Right Girl and joined The
Luckiest Motherfuckers Clench.

Connie's moon's a-risin', brothers, and that means Slack for "Bob's"
Suns. Now I lay me down to Slack.. Ahh, yes.

((In old timey Pastor David Eppley voice)) AAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,
yesssss......

DON'T KILL YOURSELF YET!!! IT *CAN* HAPPEN! YOU, YES, EVEN YOU, THE
LONELY SUBGENIUS READING THIS NOW, *CAN* and with PATIENCE AND LACK OF
SUICIDE, *PROBABLY WILL* EVENTUALLY MEET YOUR TRUE YETI MATE!

IF IT TAKES UNTIL YOU'RE FIFTY, *THAT'S OKAY*!! IT JUST MEANS YOU"LL BE
ABLE TO APPRECIATE THE TRUE SLACK *THAT MUCH BETTER*.

REPEAT -- DO NOT KILL SELF YET.

(SUICIDE RATING: HOLD)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: House Full of Lies (or, DON'T KILL YOURSELF YET)
From: KRONOS <null@void.com>

stang@subgenius.com wrote:

> Most of my time is spent dealing with YOU PEOPLE, who are ALL
> uniformly Windows-fux who think that that's what's "cool" and
> "normal." It makes me feel even more like a crazy man, for having

Not everyone, white man

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Original file name: House Full of Lies (or, DON'T E - converted on Monday, 21 July 2003, 13:44