Subject: Horrible Realization/Doctrinal Change

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Mon, Jan 28, 2002 10:38 AM

My list of Priorities shifted again during a conversation with Doc
Frop, when I suddenly remembered what had been left OFF the list.

Sex and "Bob" are now no longer even in the Top 10.

These are ranked by Immediacy of Need:

CURRENT LIST OF PRIORITIES:

1. Air Breathing
2. Water Drinking
3. Peeing
4. Eating Food
5. Sleeping
6. Shitting
7. Slack
8. Money
9. 'Frop
10. Your Back Not Hurting
11. Sex
12. "Bob"

This list has ben developed by pure untainted cold mathematical logic
over a number of years. Yet, Peeing and Shitting had been left off the
earlier versions of my list. (So, ironically, had Slack and Your Back
Not Hurting!)

Shitting and Peeing came up, or went down, so to speak, yesterday, when
Dok Frop and I were discussing how lucky we are that in our 40s we can
still pee and shit freely, and how we should count our blessings,
because look at some of our peers whose health has declined, and who no
longer know those dear Freedoms.

When we were younger, we had simply tacked Shitting and Peeing onto
Eating and Drinking, respectively, as if excretion automatically
followed intake. However, we now know that, for instance, Shitting does
not necessarily follow Eating, but that it had better, SOON.

Notice that Shitting follows Sleeping. Technically, one could go
without shitting longer than one would want to go without sleep. I
suppose that's a toss-up, though

Some might argue that 'Frop is too far down on the list, or that it's a
sad statement on our morals that it's even on the list.

But, GET REAL. The ONLY reason that Money is on the list at all is that
you need Money to get the 'Frop.

Some would argue that Sex should precede 'Frop. Think about it, though.
Sure, if somebody offered you the choice of either the Sex Goddess or
the 'Frop, you would go for the Sex Goddess. BUT!! After 5 months
you're gonna be tired of that Sex Goddess and DYING for some 'Frop.
'Frop will get you through times of no sex better than sex will get you
through times of no 'Frop, to paraphrase the Fabulous Furry Freak
Brothers. If you wanted to get technical about it I suppose some would
replace "'Frop" with "booze," "pot," "PILS," "science fiction," "rock
music," "TV," or some similar form of dope. But the basic niche on the
List is the same.

Plenty of young fools will call it laughable that even "Your Back Not
Hurting" ranks above Sex in my list, but, well, you'll see. You'll see.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Horrible Realization/Doctrinal Change
From: bobdiddley@aol.com (Bobdiddley)

>CURRENT LIST OF PRIORITIES:
>
>1. Air Breathing
>2. Water Drinking
>3. Peeing
>4. Eating Food
>5. Sleeping
>6. Shitting
>7. Slack
>8. Money
>9. 'Frop
>10. Your Back Not Hurting
>11. Sex
>12. "Bob"

When you young pups round the 50 corner, there's another shift in store for
youse. Your Back Not Hurting moves up two places for each decade you survive.
When it reaches #1, it's time to stop wasting your energy with breathing and
re-animate.

I was with my Dad for the final three weeks of his life. He had cancer of the
everything except the brain. When the peeing shut down, the others ceased to
matter. He began dying in earnest.

As an aside, I attempted to elicit a laugh from him, by showing him the Book of
the SubGenius. He got a kick out of the wildly-pasted graphics, and said,
"That's me - SubGenius." But he was just kidding, I know. His soul was already
spoken-for, and has joined the ranks of loyal Democrats, watching non-stop
C-SPAN in slo-mo.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Horrible Realization/Doctrinal Change
From: thefridayjones@hotmail.com (Friday Jones)

Alecto <nenslo@inthegarden.tv> wrote in message

> Mine, sadly, remains unchanged:
> 1. Not killing everyone.
> 2. Not killing myself.
> > Nothing else can even be considered a priority.

Ah, but you see, if you kill EVERYONE ELSE, then nobody will know
whether or not you kill YOURSELF!

That's the beauty of the idea ...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Horrible Realization/Doctrinal Change
From: thefridayjones@hotmail.com (Friday Jones)

So Stang, if you had a uterus, where do you think it would end up on
this list?

Somewhere on my Top 10 would probably be Intestines Not Feeling Like
They Are Falling Out, and Neck Not Hurting, and Left Frontal Lobe Not
Feeling Like There's An Icepick Dipped In Liquid Nitrogen Jammed Into
It.

But that's just ME, heck, and I'm still YOUNG! Right? Right?

---

"It is not I who am crazy; it is I who am MAD!"
- Ren Hoek
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Horrible Realization/Doctrinal Change
From: Her Ladyship Lilith von Fraumench <lilith@ZubJenius.com>

Dad, you might think that I belong in that list of young fools, but at
this point, I'd be tempted to put it before PEEING. Not that I'm always
in agony, but near enough. Shit, I won't even mind losing the ability
to pee freely, as long as the pee doesn't go on ME. Kinkier folks might
disagree, but I'm firm on that. I shall not be UnClean unless it is by
"Bob"'s will, or kill HNEE.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Horrible Realization/Doctrinal Change
From: Her Ladyship Lilith von Fraumench <lilith@ZubJenius.com>

Bobdiddley wrote:

> As an aside, I attempted to elicit a laugh from him, by showing him the Book
> of the SubGenius. He got a kick out of the wildly-pasted graphics, and said,
> "That's me - SubGenius." But he was just kidding, I know. His soul was already
> spoken-for, and has joined the ranks of loyal Democrats, watching non-stop
> C-SPAN in slo-mo.

How do YOU know? Shit, I'd *like* to think my biofather isn't a
SubGenius--not monetarily but in spirit, which doesn't count in "Bob"'s
book but seems to have SOME hold in most of ours. I mean, it'd be more
CONVENIENT if I thought my father was just a Pink, and my Yetihood a
mere accident of orgozmonic radiation sweeping over my parents during
sex. But let's face it, DIRECTLY, my father introduced me to weird UFO
shit, and INDIRECTLY, through his porn, he introduced me to WILD
DEVIANT SEX. It's almost enough to send in $30 in his name, except that
I doubt he'd ADMIT how much he'd like it. It'd mess with his righteous
indignation to realize that there are those whose righteous indignation
is far, far more extreme, and yet are still able to laugh in its face.
Poor, poor bastard.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Horrible Realization/Doctrinal Change
From: kconvery@ioma.com (The Bishop)

Her Ladyship Lilith von Fraumench wrote...
> Friday Jones <thefridayjones@hotmail.com> wrote:
>
> > Left Frontal Lobe Not Feeling Like There's An Icepick Dipped In
> > Liquid Nitrogen Jammed Into It.
>
> OH! You get that too?!? I thought I was the only one...!

Not feeling like someone has jammed a grappling hook about a yard up
my ass and is trying to pull it out just as violently is a feeling I
enjoy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Horrible Realization/Doctrinal Change
From: HellPope Huey <hellpopehuey@subspamgeenyus.com>

Geez, what's with the HellRaiser Jamboree? Our various MENTAL problems not
enough for ye?
How about NOT feeling like taking some Pink asshole's throat in your teeth and
shaking them like a terrier with a rat until some earnest, crew-cutted SWAT boy
turns your brain into moist, gooey lumps with a hollow-point shell? Boy, I hate
when that happens. Or sometimes when it DOESN'T happen.

HellPope Huey, hellpopehuey@subgenius.com
Good lessons, badly learned, $1

Last year's fun is today's crime.
Even tying your shoes in an airport
can get you locked up.
- Hunter S. Thompson

"Woe to him inside a nonconformist clique
who does not conform with nonconformity."
- Eric Hoffer

Hope is NOT a thing with feathers,
the thing with feathers is my nephew,
and I have to take him to a specialist in Zurich.
- Woody Allen

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Original file name: Horrible Realization_Doctrinal - converted on Monday, 21 July 2003, 13:44