Subject: BIG BIG Church News! (really)

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Thu, Apr 11, 2002 3:53 AM

YA'LL ARE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS...

But the SACRED P.O. BOX... the one in Dallas that's been there since
God's birthday, the one that everybody memorized, the one printed not
only in our published books but also in all the TEENY TINY ADS in all
the books and pamphlets and old crumbling punk zines the world over...

...HAS CHANGED!

It's not changing, IT HAS CHANGED!

We are now at:

THE SUBGENIUS FOUNDATION
PO BOX 204206
AUSTIN, TX 78720-4206

It is NO LONGER PO BOX 140306 Dallas etc.

The toll free phone number for the Foundation biz office remains
1-888-669-2323
although they were having trouble getting it switched over this morning.

Don't worry -- that package that you sent an hour ago to the old P.O.
Box -- that precious money, life's work or anthrax -- will still get to
the Main FisTemple Lodge H.Q.

It's just that the HQ is now in Austin. The Business Division of The
SubGenius Foundation, Inc., headed by the Lord Jesus and Rev. Magdalen,
had to suddenly up and hie to Austin as fast as they could -- beds,
computers, file cabinets, soup kitchen, Bombie work slaves, kittens,
warehouse full of SubGenius Pamphlets, surgical operating theater and
all.

Roll that new number over on your tongue. "Two oh FOUR, two oh SIX."
"Two oh FOUR -- two oh SIX." Then in Texan: "AWww-sten TAKES-ess,
Sayuvin Fahv Sayuvin TOW OWE." (It's easier to remember in Texan.)

NOTICE that it still ends in 06! That only TWO NUMBERS have actually
changed, though others have changed PLACES. To update it, you only have
to select the first four numbers and type 2042.

Ponder and muse upon the many possible rich meanings of this new
number. Now repeat the new PO box a few dozen more times.

Why the move?

To make a long story short, Jesus, by virtue of His undercover work
deep inside the Dallas Con under an assumed identity, got wind of
SOMETHING REALLY BIG and REALLY, REALLY AWFUL planned for Dallas,
Texas, very soon, and felt it best to take "Bob's" outreach
headquarters a little farther away from "Ground Zero." Ground Zero of,
not bombs, but an explosion of Conspiracy Pinkness.

Ever see that movie, "Invasion of the Body Snatchers?"

I should not say any more about that. Maybe we'll read about it in the
papers and maybe we won't. But we can assume that within a very few
years, the One World Advertiser blight now known as "DALLAS, TEXAS"
will encompass everything from as far south as Waco to as far north as
Norman, Oklahoma, and will span an equal distance east to west. Nothing
that goes in will come out -- at least, not the way it went in.

The SubGenius Foundation, Inc., is too critical to a continued
Yetinsyny future to allow itself to be swept up in this.

I personally moved north to the Spaceport 3 years ago and opened the
Northern Ohio Fifth FisTemple Lodge, the Entertainment Division of
SubGenius Foundation, Inc. and previously known as Bulldada Time
Control laboratories.

My address, to send artwork, writings, tapes, CDs, videos, etc., for
use in Hour of Slack or Stark Fist or future books or whatnot, is
still:

STANG
PO BOX 181417
CLEVELAND HTS, OH
44118-1417

You can also fax me at 216-320-9528 and can even leave one minute phone
messages there.

I am actively and personally handling the side of the SubGenius catalog
known as Connivin' Ivan's. That's because I manufacture the specialty
media stuff -- CDs, videos and tapes -- myself, in limited editions.
(Needless to say, my skilled homunculi do all the actual "work" and
writing, such as this letter.) What we can't manufacture ourselves
(shirts, books, beer steins, etc.) is now handled through CafePress,
the other side of our online catalog. Thus the reason for the catalog
split.

The move of Magdalen, Jesus, ConBo, the kittens and The SubGenius
Foundation Office from Dallas to Austin is an epic tale that shall echo
down through alt.slack for WEEKS to come, I am sure, once the dust
settles in a literal sense and the holy couple arise, and move the
great rock away from the entrance to the burial cave, to witness to us.

The Post Office will forward mail to the Austin box for up to two
years, during which time we might be able to arrange a permanent
memorial fund to keep that Dallas box open, even if it is only checked
once a month by trusted mendicants. If we did this it would be for
religious purposes primarily; I mean, that damn PO Box is probably the
only real "holy site" that our Faith In "Bob" HAS yet! Think about it.
There is no Dobbs Homestead Museum, no "Bob's" First Paper Route tour.
That PO Box was the only place people COULD make pilgrimages to, and
some DID. It is the one true "manger" of our "Bethlehem." It was where
the Three Wise Guys first came to GET gifts and take them AWAY.

Also, the most crucual lost soul of all might be the one who, 20 years
from now, finds a crumbling pre-2002 Pamphlet under some rubble in the
VERY NICK OF TIME for his salvation. Wouldn't it be miraculous if he or
she could still get through to "Bob" on the Escape Saucers using that
Old Earth address.

Dr. Philo Drummond and I opened that Dallas PO Box in late 1979, so
that there would be an address to which to send the $10 for Membership,
one that we could put in the to-be-printed Pamphlet Number One, but
which would not attract jealous fire-bombers from rival cults to our
actual homes. (At the time we were not entirely sure what we were going
to be selling for that $10.) In the intervening years, we have
discovered crazy-man notes pinned to the Sacred PO Box, lipstick kisses
all over it, even subjunkies camped out near it. The staff of that P.O.
has seen such things mailed to us as A PING PONG BALL bearing a stamp,
our address, and a letter from Onan Canobite; all the mail art of the
1980s; all the home published zines of the 80s; guns and foreign money;
weird vials and potions nobody ever dared open even to this day; and
lots of postcards with truly TRULY bizarre art and messages on them.
Envelopes decorated with oil paintings and/or firecrackers, from
Puzzling Evidence and LIES. Crates from Malaysia with live rare animals
nailed to the outside.

That PO Box address outlived pretty much all of our
weirdo-underground-of-the-80s peers, competition, betters, rivals, and,
unfortunately, many of us SubGenii.

The BIZ ITSELF, a corporation and thus immortal, is still PLUGGING
AWAY, hence this move to slightly less Pink climes. The Internet Fool's
Gold Crash and that WAR thing hit us REALLY HARD, and we're still
crawling out from under some debts, but we're crawling upwards faster
by the HOUR. Certainly not the first time the Foundation almost
crumbled, and then bounced back.

You see, while Enron and K-Mart are GONE, The SubGenius Foundation is
still here... indeed, here AND there. We never have gotten as rich as
Dobbs ordained, which is to our shame, but we also never got billions
of dollars into debt, either. So the loss of our limousines, mansions
and servants doesn't hit us nearly as hard as such a loss hurts
Conspiracy fat cats who grew up with them.

Aw, jes' kidding. We didn't really lose any limos, mansions or servants.

THE HOUR OF SLACK radio show is probably our most regular, "visible"
and spectacular outlet, free and easy to hear thanks to advances in
Internet technology and especially to St. David Bachner, Rev. Prostata
Contata and Sensory Research. AND to ESO Swamp radio on WCSB Cleveland
-- Chas Smith's show, where we catch the live bits. That's
http://www.hourofslack.com if you haven't tried in a while.

Actually, the newsgroup alt.binaries.slack is where you'll find the
MOST spectacular SubGenius multimedia output -- that's where half the
stuff on SubSITE and the radio show comes from -- but many folks find
newsgroups hard to deal with. I archive a FRACTION of it on SubSITE and
would do more if time allowed. Maybe it will. I just tricked 3
innocents into volunteering to help me keep the site updated and to
dress it up purtier.

SubSITE is still free and will hopefully stay that way.

I personally am awash in Slack like I never dreamed possible. None of
my body parts are broken, Princess Wei and I are the happiest newlyweds
in the land, and (thanks to computer improvements and donations) I can
again do special effects, animation and weird sound mixing and video
editing AT HOME IN MY SPARE TIME... so that's what I've been doing in
my spare time. We'll start selling the new video compilation "DOBBSFILM
SHORTIES" next week. I just mailed out contributors' copies today.
Quite a few other SubGenii contributed art, music, animation, etc. to
this messterpiece of all-singing, all-dancing Dobbsheads. We projected
it at the last two devivals to hearty approval and gasps of
astonishment. Only a very few threw up.

I'm now working on the usual 18 different projects at once, best left
unbragged-up until they're actually done. The overriding project is to
make enough money to get back to publishing the STARK FIST (which is
long done and MOULDERING) on paper.

There's a pretty big devival in Indianapolis, Indiana on April 20.
Should be a good mix of "old school" and "new school," if I know the
Quijibo Clench. (See SubSITE EVENTS or NEWS pages for details.) Wei and
I will be there for sure, hauling all the new CDs, the stuffed False
"Bob" carcass and the new video with us.

The world ends July 5, 1998!

Since we KNOW and in fact have seen Dobbs PROVE that that date has not
yet arrived, possibly due to Conspiracy calendar-tampering in the
distant past, we have no idea when "NOW" really is. So, to celebrate,
we still throw the huge X-Day Drills at Brushwood campground, Sherman,
NY, every July 5. This year our event runs from July 4 to July 7 or to
the end of the world, whichever comes first. Details on SubSITE. Same
deal as the last 5 years. An orgy of Slack at a place where girls don't
have to wear shirts and we can make noise all night long, swim nekkid
in heated pools, or geek out with projectors and computers as the case
may be, 'til "Bob" comes home. (CONNIE is already THERE, and WAITING
FOR YOU!)

Spread the word... change the address of the Sacred PO Box in your
missionary work... sigs... posters... reprints... tattoos...
brandings... and don't forget:

BRING IN THE MONEY
STAY AWAKE
CAST OUT NHGH
PRAISE "BOB"

(repeat 50 times)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: BIG BIG Church News! (really)
From: UnitCLXXX@SputSouth.Com (RevEl)

"Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com> wrote:

>YA'LL ARE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS...

I never can remember the number of impossible things I'm
supposed to believe each day. Oh well.

>But the SACRED P.O. BOX...
>...HAS CHANGED!

The new number is actually niftier. Got one problem:

>THE SUBGENIUS FOUNDATION
>PO BOX 204206
>AUSTIN, TX 78720-4206

>Roll that new number over on your tongue. "Two oh FOUR, two oh SIX."
>"Two oh FOUR -- two oh SIX." Then in Texan: "AWww-sten TAKES-ess,
>Sayuvin Fahv Sayuvin TOW OWE." (It's easier to remember in Texan.)

So. Is it an "8" or a "5"?

Sokay. I never really picked up a good Texas accent, either.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: BIG BIG Church News! (really)
From: shinpath@gol.com (SPLR Ministries, Western Japan)

NO.... MORE ....... DALLAS????????????????????
Lee Harvey Oswald is rolling in his grave with Jack Ruby and those
annoying Seven Dwarf Illuminati.

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Original file name: BIG BIG Church News! (really) - converted on Monday, 21 July 2003, 13:44