Subject: A Prayer to "Bob"

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Wed, Oct 23, 2002 1:42 PM

A Prayer to "Bob"

There are nuts who come to alt.slack to brag about how rich and
intelligent and popular they are. Well, they must not be as intelligent
as they think they are, because The Church of the SubGenius is not
where one comes to BRAG about those things.

The Church of the SubGenius is where you come to fall on your knees and
rip open your shirt, and, with tears streaming down your face, and
repentance in your heart, you CONFESS to those things.

I CONFESS, "Bob," to being RICH.

Yes "Bob," I CONFESS to being INTELLIGENT.

Yes, "Bob," I am GUILTY of being POPULAR.

Yes, "Bob," I WORKED HARD on my PINK JOB all week.

I CONFESS TO YOU, "Bob," and beg your EXCUSE, for I have been
SUCCESSFUL in the eyes of the Normals around me.

But "Bob" I pray to you for that which I have not, but which you have
in abundance. I pray, "Bob," for Slack.

To YOU "Bob" I will promise my riches. To YOU "Bob" I shall devote my
every thought, my whole brain. YOU J.R. "Bob" DOBBS MY HIGH EPOPT shall
my Boss Man on High for whom I toil.

And I pray that in your great and awesome Slackfulness, you grant me
but one more tiny dollop of that precious Slack, oh my "Bob".

One... more.... drop. THANK you "Bob." PRAISE "Bob." Amen. A-plus
women. And A-Double-Plus-Good ALL YETIS.

And... "Bob"? Did I forget to mention? Thanks for the Slack you already
gave me...that 80 foot dumptruck full of Slack you under which you
buried my house the last time I came a-beggin'. I love ya, "Bob." Give
my best to Connie.

Six Two and Even, Over and Out.

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Subject: Re: A Prayer to "Bob"
From: "nu-monet v5.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>

Rev. Ivan Stang wrote:

Oh, bullee shittee

> I CONFESS, "Bob," to being RICH.

I CONFESS, "Bob", to WANTING TO BE RICH. WANTING TO
BE FILTHY, OBSCENELY, DISGUSTINGLY, WANTONLY, EVILLY
AND CRUELLY RICH WITH MONEY OOZING OUT THROUGH THE
SEAMS OF MY IMMENSE IMPREGNABLE FORTRESS FILLED WITH
TREASURE, PROTECTED BY MY ARMY OF DARKNESS WHO CARRY
HIDEOUS WEAPONS OF DEATH AND DESTRUCTION AND EXIST
ALONG WITH MY ARMY OF SLAVES SOLELY TO DO MY IMMORTAL
BIDDING!!!

> Yes "Bob," I CONFESS to being INTELLIGENT.

Well, duh. But see above for what I really want.

> Yes, "Bob," I am GUILTY of being POPULAR.

Who gives a shit? Now back to the treasure-filled
fortress prayer...

> Yes, "Bob," I WORKED HARD on my PINK JOB all week.

Work? I did that once. It hurt. I stopped.

> I CONFESS TO YOU, "Bob," and beg your EXCUSE, for
> I have been SUCCESSFUL in the eyes of the Normals
> around me.

The only Normal eyes I want around me are in jars.

> But "Bob" I pray to you for that which I have not,
> but which you have in abundance. I pray, "Bob," for
> Slack.

Sure, like you've prolly got LOTS of treasure-filled
fortresses just sitting around and available for
immediate occupancy in a nice area near shopping and
recreational facilities.

> To YOU "Bob" I will promise my riches.

Or a small piece of the action, ya know? Wink wink,
nudge, nudge.

> To YOU "Bob" I shall devote my every thought, my
> whole brain.

You want whole grain? You got whole grain! Mayo?

> YOU J.R. "Bob" DOBBS MY HIGH EPOPT shall
> my Boss Man on High for whom I toil.

whatever. The fortress?

> And I pray that in your great and awesome Slackfulness,
> you grant me but one more tiny dollop of that precious
> Slack, oh my "Bob".

Oh, yeah. Almost forgot. Lots of Slack in the basement
of my fortress. Yep. Everybody needs it. Put it in
bottles next to the Normal eyeballs.

> One... more.... drop. THANK you "Bob." PRAISE "Bob."
> Amen. A-plus women. And A-Double-Plus-Good ALL YETIS.

Right, and fill that request PRONTO. Times a wastin'.
Chop-chop old man. Be quick about it. I haven't all
day.

> And... "Bob"? Did I forget to mention? Thanks for the
> Slack you already gave me...that 80 foot dumptruck full
> of Slack you under which you buried my house the last
> time I came a-beggin'. I love ya, "Bob."

Yeah, right.

I'm the most Slackful sperm in the ejaculate.

> Give my best to Connie.
>
> Six Two and Even, Over and Out.

That's a Wilco, Roger, and Over Ober.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: A Prayer to "Bob"
From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>

Well, it's a spoken word theatrical rant thing, see, meant to be
hollered over a soulful ESO jam at a room full of people right at the
climax, when they're all in tears, not whispered seriously to "Bob"
over a cell phone. No wonder I'm the preacher and you're the
plainclothesman! Jesus Christ, what SubGenius actually PRAYS? It's a
rant-script. However this part here:

> I CONFESS, "Bob", to WANTING TO BE RICH. WANTING TO
> BE FILTHY, OBSCENELY, DISGUSTINGLY, WANTONLY, EVILLY
> AND CRUELLY RICH WITH MONEY OOZING OUT THROUGH THE
> SEAMS OF MY IMMENSE IMPREGNABLE FORTRESS FILLED WITH
> TREASURE, PROTECTED BY MY ARMY OF DARKNESS WHO CARRY
> HIDEOUS WEAPONS OF DEATH AND DESTRUCTION AND EXIST
> ALONG WITH MY ARMY OF SLAVES SOLELY TO DO MY IMMORTAL
> BIDDING!!!

... that would be real good tacked onto the end, as a sort of last
minute panting lustful P.S. to "Bob" where you can no longer keep being
smarmy towards him.

You come on with that army of darkness stuff too early, and it ruins
the Baptist revival style flow of it. By "getting real" too SOON. Makes
it "funny" funny not "oh FUCK" funny. It definitely gives the prayer
more of a punchline though.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: A Prayer to "Bob"
From: "Heart Ignition" <cardiacflambe@attbi.com>

>I CONFESS, "Bob," to being RICH.

"Bob" must of fucked this one up for me or maybe it's still pending.

'tis true that as soon as my membership card arrived I got MOSEX free of
MO-B.S. and started making MO-MUNNY. But RICH? Not yet.

Unless of course you consider the abundance of GOOEDTHAUGHT that Slack
spawns (even when moving planets with a spoon, i.e. hard work) as being
RICH, but that sort of denial of material wealth is only fit for
IdealiXistians or Broodhists.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not bitching, there's no doubt in my mind that I've
got a huge bank account in Dobbstown just waiting to be tapped. Besides, if
I was rich I'd do some damn weird shit with it and that's exactly what the
con is afraid of, but...

That doesn't mean I don't NEED it badly. Where's my BILLIONS "Bob"? When
does 'ol HI's shit come in?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: A Prayer to "Bob"
From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>

Heart Ignition <cardiacflambe@attbi.com> wrote:

> >I CONFESS, "Bob," to being RICH.
>
> "Bob" must of fucked this one up for me or maybe it's still pending.

Well there was more to it than that, but, it's just a rant script
actually. nobody really prays to "Bob." I was confessing to being rich
just because it sounds good. When I say I'm rich, believe you me, I
mean in other things besides money. (Cool wife, cool house,
non-criminal neighborhood for a change!)

I have been working all week on new shit for, and revisions to older
shit existing in, the Scatalog, hopefully to change the situation to
FILTHY RICH IN MONEY, which would be a nice CHANGE. Basically I'm going
to try to use Cafe Press to sell ALL YOUR ART! Well not all of it and
not just yours. I'm gonna put so much damn psycho-delic "Bob" headed
artwork on so many cheesy overpriced products that it will be so hard
for the potential customer to make up its mind, it'll explode before
ever finishing the order.

Hey wait that's not right.

> That doesn't mean I don't NEED it badly. Where's my BILLIONS "Bob"? When
> does 'ol HI's shit come in?

I can't even remember what i told you about royalties. But it holds
true for IMBJR, Nenslo and LeMur too. Whatever it was. Let's hope there
are some. It took like 5 years to sell off the stuff, last time
somebody made up a bunch of color "Bob" shirts. I ended up giving away
some of the last ones.

BUT, I DID just find a secret stash of a LAST FEW "WASTE HELPS THE
ENEMY - GET WASTED" ... like 6 of them... which I'll add to my catalog.
As opposed to the Cafe Press one.

In the cases of both companies, generally, we make the swag WHEN IT'S
ORDERED... one item at a time. That's what you call slow selling
specialty items.

So now I'm busting ass on the SELLING. I haven't made an original piece
of art since X-Day because I've been too busy trying to organize and
exploit the immense backlog of great shit everybody else keeps
relentlessly doing. I AM JEALOUS AS HELL OF YOU GUYS WHO JUST GET TO
MAKE STUFF AND DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT MAKING IT *SELL*. Just so you
know. Those who feel hideously tied to day jobs, hey, it could be
worse. You could have MY day job, trying to distribute YOUR art! At
least you get to MAKE ART! Maybe what I'm saying is, there are DOWN
SIDES to actually OWNING the trademark of the Dobbshead. 'Cause then
you have to DO something with it, just when Dobbs himself said to SLACK
OFF. For instance, I was up all night, taking one last look at ALL the
art -- ALL the art... *ALL* the art that was in the In folder... and
making sure the stuff good for Connie Thongs was in the Thong folder
and stuff good for Beer Steins was in the Beer Stein folder, etc. (In
the meantime I sorted the miniaturized teeny tiny jpeg versions for
best use as spot illos in new Online Stark Fist book-length text stuff
also in progress. So it's not going to WASTE and continuing to STACK UP
like it has. Most of the art from 99 and 2000 never even made it to
SubSITE and is at best slide-showed in the movies on Dobbsfilm Shorties
at 2 pics per second.) For the Cafe Press side I still have to size and
reformat and upload and ad-copy all this shit too.

Actually I am adding as much of my own art to the new swag stash as
possible, because I get to keep all the pennies from those.

I am going to run to the bank and PO now to put things in and take
things out... it's an ENDLESS FUCK one might say.

Speaking of which, congrats on the freebie sexhurt!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: A Prayer to "Bob"
From: "Heart Ignition" <cardiacflambe@attbi.com>

Well now I don't feel so bad knowing some Subgenii are somewhat struggling
with the doll-hair as well. I thought "Bob" was somehow mad and angry with
me and wanted to hurt me. Lately I've been Nheegheed no matter what I do.
Perhaps it's the season. "Tis The Season To Be NheegEheed, fuh cka fuh cka
fuh, fuh fuh fuh fck."

I can't imagine what looking at all that fuckered up visual is doing to your
brain, but it can't be pretty. I know after a session of spelunking I feel
weird "up there" as well as "down there".

I'd like to send you some REAL LIVE paintings for the Church archives-
Should I just send them to the PO Box or whatsa deal?

I always thought it would be keen to have a gallery showing of Subgenii art
printed up on nice glossy paper or actual paintings and nick-knacks, perhaps
like they do up in Seattle once a month on Thursday in pioneer square, or
maybe I'm just pink. All the shit I see here has more "pro-fund"
realizations per ounce than the crap in most of the galleries there, but if
it were to happen it'd probably end up like the WTO riots all over again-
which were fun don't get me wrong (at least the first night).

Um, not sure why I babbled...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: A Prayer to "Bob"
From: Mr. F. Le Mur <lemurama@attxbi.com>

->nobody really prays to "Bob."

Hay! I resemble that remark.

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Original file name: A Prayer to "Bob"2 - converted on Monday, 21 July 2003, 13:44