Subject: Thinking About ConPerVerting

From: rubinfarr@hotmail.com (pharr)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Tue, Jun 11, 2002

Hello, enlightened Subgenii. I've read some of your literature and I've been listening to Rev. Stang's inspirational 'Hour of Slack' (WMPG, Portland) for about two years now. The word of Bob makes a lot of sense to me and has helped to fill a spiritual void in my life. I'm thinking about taking the next step and sending my bribe money to Austin. However, as my pen hovers over my checkbook I find myself assailed by last minute doubts.

What if I've got the wrong one-true-religion? What if I'm out thirty bucks and still find myself raosting in hell on judgement day, while back on Earth the Jehovas Witnesses are living it up and going through my stuff?

Is eternal salvation and unspeakable vengeance against my enemies really worth $30. I could buy 4 to 5 used CDs for that amount, or a computer game that won't work right on my machine, because I don't have Bill Gate's latest upgrades. I could ride the bus 60 times more than I otherwise would have. Hell, I could even pay my electric bill.

And what if I'm missing out on the real fun by getting on the escape saucers on x-day? What if being tortured to death by Cthuloid aleins is pleasant and amusing? I might enjoy having my flesh sandblasted off whilst giant insectoid monsters pleasured themselves by repeatingly violating every oriface in my body including the ones that they excavated themselves with their horrible, jagged talons. I mean, how would I know unless I tried it?

Could Bob offer me more? Could some of you wise and noble elder Subgenii provide me with some guidance in my hour of lonely, slackless confusion?

-Pharr
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From: Rev dode <dode(pee)@tystie.com>

Put those fears behind you, when "Bob" has your $30 he'll tell you exactly why it was far more important than heating or eating. He'll also tell _you_ how to convince _yourself_ that the next beer you _want_ is way more important than your next meal, your next night of insane debauchery is way more important than your medication (or mothers or grandmothers). Only by sending that (first) $30 to "Bob" can you be sure that come the final X-day (TBA) your arse will be safe on your pleasure saucer* and not burning in some insane butt rape camp with someother folks here,.

1 See www.subgenius.com for plans and materials at low low prices - we don't make money on this stuff. While your there have a dig around and see how much FREE stuff this church gives you, and I'm not even talking about salvation, sex or time control.

I've enjoyed my $30 so much I'm considering sending it in all over again, and againg and again.

PraBob!

Dode
--
Change (pee) to p for mail
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From: HellPopeHuey <hellpopehuey@subspamgeenyus.com>

Colon-spelunking Christ! You're only up to ONE HOUR??? Boy, you ARE new. Uh...its not $30 anymore, its, uh, a hundred. Yeah, a hundred.

And FUCK your confusion. If you're just NOW questioning it, you're merely on the leading EDGE. You wanna be punctured in every orifice by giant space insects? You're in the right place, with bells and red straps-on. I mean, you haven't even MET any of us for real. Trust me, after enough time with several of us, you'll BE a giant space insect, if you weren't already. But you'll be reamed in every hole regardless. Shit, I'm so full of holes, I wheeze like a giant bagpipe when my insignificant other squeezes me. We don't just tear you new ones; we really widen the one you already had, praise Drew.

Guidance, pfui. Guide your ass into some Vicodin and Nyquil. We ain't been enlightenin' SHIT here so far, 20-odd years into the cult and we fucking well won't be starting with the likes of YOU!

Um, welcome to the Church.

HellPope Huey, hellpopehuey@subgenius.com
I love bacon. I even floss with it. Shut up.
--
" I would think that playing and doing music would be a lot
more rewarding than just working and not doing music.
It's my belief that if someone has talent in the arts and has
worked to develop that talent, they, in fact, have made a "pact
with the devil", in return for being close to the "magic". If
they then abandon, or try to abandon the arts, they burn-up
inside." - Chas Smith, ESO
I saw some raisins once, but they flew away.
- 'Hawkeye' Pie
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From: SubGenius Spice <SGSpice@safe-mail.netnoise>

"pharr" wanted alt.slack to know:

>...provide me with some guidance in my hour of lonely, slackless
>confusion?

get your damn cat out of my ice chest.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "Alliekatt" <alleykatzen@hotmail.com>

"pharr" <rubinfarr@hotmail.com> wrote in message...
> Hello, enlightened Subgenii. I've read some of your literature and
> I've been listening to Rev. Stang's inspirational 'Hour of Slack'
> (WMPG, Portland) for about two years now. The word of Bob makes a lot
> of sense to me and has helped to fill a spiritual void in my life.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!! You made a funny.

> What if I've got the wrong one-true-religion? What if I'm out thirty
> bucks and still find myself raosting in hell on judgement day, while
> back on Earth the Jehovas Witnesses are living it up and going through
> my stuff?

I remember having those feelings in high school when I was a secret neo-pagan, hiding my tarot cards from my mother and going to church summer camps where I felt horribly guilty about giving my boyfriend a blowjob in the abandoned shower house, even though the Russians were about to blow us all up anyway and I desperately needed to get laid before that happened regardless of whether or not I roasted in hell.

Fifteen years later, and righteous blasphemy pours from my lips and fingers like honeyed wine from Asgard. Finding "Bob" happened somewhere in the middle of that and really didn't do shit for me other than make me recognize that other people thought, just like me, that reality as we are told is some dumb ass foolishness and worth blasphemeing and twisting at every turn with relish and joy.

So I finally sent my $30 to "Bob" a few months ago, so I could get the party discount, and if on the off chance that they were right and I get an escape vessel, then sheeit. And if I go to hell, then WHOOPEE!!! I'll be running Screwtape's seventh ring spiked nipple clamp factory for Waffling Pinks, and I'll get to wear really cool ass Spawn gear 24-7!!!!!

> Could Bob offer me more? Could some of you wise and noble elder
> Subgenii provide me with some guidance in my hour of lonely, slackless
> confusion?

Get laid.

alliekatt

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Original file name: Thinking About ConPe.txt - converted on Friday, 13 June 2003, 22:40