Subject: Nenslo Going to Hell -- Jesus says so!

From: "Rev. Magdalen" <magdalen@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Thu, Jan 16, 2003

(Read the whole story below if you haven't kept up on the thrilling saga of how nenslo found over $150 in real money and a pay stub in a bag at the Mormon thrift store, and kept it for himself.)

The Lord Jesus Christ has weighed in on this issue, and his verdict is clear: nenslo definitely did the wrong thing. Obviously, his own conscience must be condemning him, or he never would have mentioned it on alt.slack, and in the end, that is the most important thing.

Objectively speaking, what he did is definitely wrong because he did not make any effort to contact the person mentioned on the pay stub. If the money had been found without a pay stub, it would not have been wrong.

The Lord conjectures that the bag was stolen from its original owner, hastily searched, and then discarded in the thrift store depository. The money does not belong to the Mormons because, unlike merchandise from Wal-Mart which might inadvertently become lodged in other, cheaper merchandise, the money in the bag was never originally the property of the Mormons. The fact that the pay stub indicates the money was lost over 1 year ago makes no difference.

In essence, the Lord says that every man has a price at which he will sell his ethics, and apparently nenslo's price is $150. Which saddens The Lord. He says that in order for nenslo to redeem himself, he must make at least a token effort to contact the person named on the pay stub. If he makes the attempt and fails to find the person, either because the information is no longer correct, or because the person no longer exists, then he may keep the money without being unethical.

He says you should not feel stupid if you return money that you find, even if you don't get a reward, because that money was not yours, so it is not the same as giving away your own money and getting nothing in return.

The Lord's message for all His children on alt.slack is this: If you're going to sell your soul, sell it for a LOT of money, not a measly $150!

"nenslo" <nenslo@yahooX.com> wrote
> Thrilling Ethical Adventures
> A true story from my actual daily life
> by O Nenslo
>
>
> My actual Horoscope January 14 2003:
> An increase in money could bring a lot of happiness and good feeling
> into your home. You might be a bit concerned as to how to keep the
> energy going, but don't worry about it, dear Nenslo. All signs are
> that your success and good fortune are going to be around for a while.
>
> Last night I decided I really needed to replace the crappy yardsale
> backpack I use to carry my stuff to the health club, so today I went
> to Deseret, the Mormon thrift store, to look for something suitable.
> I dug through the shelves full of weird bags of all sizes and kinds
> and narrowed it down to a Pokemon backpack for three dollars and a big
> orange Guess bag for four dollars. The Guess bag was made of orange
> ripstop parachute nylon with big clunky plastic zippers and rubbery
> attached logos - its a style these days. It seemed like that was
> pretty much the one I was going to go with. It had enough room for my
> gear and was kind of crazy looking without being quite as silly as the
> Pokemon backpack. It also seemed to have something cylindrical
> inside. I looked all over inside it but there was nothing to be seen.
> Then I found there was a semiconcealed zipper on the back of the bag
> and inside was a plastic bottle of some sort of Herbalife energy pills
> - the kind of fake speed that has actually caused people to fall over
> dead. And a black fabric zippered pouch. I opened the pouch and shut
> it again real fast because it had just what you have already guessed
> it had in it. Money. I put the bottle of pills in the front section
> of the bag and the pouch back in the back part AND ZIPPED IT UP and
> headed for the cash register because for some reason I just didn't
> feel much like shopping any more. I showed the guy at the register
> the pills and we agreed they probably shouldn't be selling that kind
> of stuff or even including it as a free bonus so I gave him the pills
> and my four bucks and we bid each other a cordial goodbye. I drove
> over to the parking lot of the coat outlet and parked for a minute.
> It seems I had a pouch containing over one hundred and fifty dollars -
> and a paycheck dated August 2001, with the name and address of the
> owner. Now, most people wouldn't think twice about this sort of
> situation. But I think twice about EVERYTHING, because I am a
> SUPERIOR INDIVIDUAL. Ethics, for those of you who donut know the
> meaning of the word, is what you do when nobody will ever find out.
> Though I donut give TWO SHITS for your STUPID FEELINGS, when it comes
> to issues of lost property or misallocated fundage I have been
> described, with no prompting whatsoever from me, as "the most ethical
> person on earth." That's true, I really have been called that. I
> could tell you plenty of stories about how damn ethical I am, believe
> me, and they would leave you shaking your head. This time, however,
> it took about one minute for me to realize that my reasoning went like
> this: this person misplaced a wad of cash and an even larger paycheck
> almost a year and a half ago, so any ill effects that might have
> followed as a result are very likely long gone and forgotten. I said,
> "This is for ME. This time, for once, I AM KEEPING IT." I could only
> feel right about myself if I accepted this as PROOF OF THE EXISTENCE
> OF A LOVING GOD. If it were a BIG amount of money, like a thousand
> dollars, or it had been lost even six months ago, there would have
> been no hesitation on my part; I would have done my best to return it
> right away. But this, I just feel it's a gift from God. Who loves
> me, and doesn't care much for the previous owner of the orange bag.
> And we can put the money, and the bag, to good use. What's odd is
> that this pouch got stuck in the bag, and who knows how much later it
> was donated to Deseret and passed through who knows how many hands
> before it got onto the shelf, and nobody even noticed it had a bottle
> of pills in it much less a slim, nearly undetectable pouch. Of course
> if you have ever been to a Deseret store you know that the folks they
> employ there do not give one much confidence in the Mormon gene pool.
> I am told that the Mormons themselves refer to a certain fraction of
> their population as "the chaff." This isn't the first bonus I have
> ever gotten as a result of being a parsimonious pinchpenny, but it is
> surely the largest.

--
They are mean because they are rejects from society.
--Bill Palmer on SubGenii
----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Legume <none@yerbiz.com>

Rev. Magdalen wrote:

> In essence, the Lord says that every man has a price at which he will
> sell his ethics, and apparently nenslo's price is $150.

Nope. Nenslo's price is a lot lower than that. He just got lucky that there was more in the bag.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Joe Cosby <joecosby@SPAMBLOCKmindspring.com>
"Distrust all in whom
the impulse to punish is powerful."
- Nietzsche
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Stupid Jesus full of shit!
From: nenslo <nenslo@yahooX.com>

"Rev. Magdalen" wrote:

> The Lord conjectures that the bag was stolen from its original owner,
> hastily searched, and then discarded in the thrift store depository.

The Lord is full of shit. The paycheck was dated a year and a half ago. It would have been stolen then because nobody keeps an uncashed paycheck (not a paystub as he so omnisciently misapprehended) for a year and a half, and it doesn't take a year and a half for things to be processed through ANY thrift store, it takes about a week. If he really was god in human form he'd know that. I wasn't asking anybody's fucking opinion on it and you can all think any dumbass thing you want, I don't care.

> The money does not belong to the Mormons because, unlike merchandise
> from Wal-Mart which might inadvertently become lodged in other, cheaper
> merchandise, the money in the bag was never originally the property of
> the Mormons. The fact that the pay stub indicates the money was lost
> over 1 year ago makes no difference.

It does to me, and I'm the one who found it, not him.

> In essence, the Lord says that every man has a price at which he will
> sell his ethics, and apparently nenslo's price is $150. Which saddens
> The Lord. He says that in order for nenslo to redeem himself, he must
> make at least a token effort to contact the person named on the pay
> stub. If he makes the attempt and fails to find the person, either
> because the information is no longer correct, or because the person no
> longer exists, then he may keep the money without being unethical.

I sold my soul to Satan almost fifteen years ago. I filled out a form and where it asked what I wanted in return I said, "good luck." Satan, the Lord of This World (it says that in the fucking bible), pays off. I only ever got ONE THING I prayed to the false god JHVH for; one dark desperate night decades ago I prayed "Please just let me know what's TRUE." And he did. And now I know the truth - that he doesn't exist, that the doctrine of sin is a fraud, and I am not in need of forgiveness or redemption.

You tell Jesus to go have a three-way with himself. If he's so fucking
smart why didn't HE find 150 bucks.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Joe Cosby <joecosby@SPAMBLOCKmindspring.com>

nenslo <nenslo@yahooX.com> wrote:

>You tell Jesus to go have a three-way with himself. If he's so fucking
>smart why didn't HE find 150 bucks.

he found a touchy old fart who stole 150 bucks.

And isn't that even better?

--
Joe Cosby
http://joecosby.home.mindspring.com
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics.
-- Benjamin Disraeli

Back to document index

Original file name: Nenslo Going to Hell.txt - converted on Friday, 13 June 2003, 22:40