From: "nu-monet v5.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Sat, Feb 8, 2003
Allright, ya fucks. Since Magdalenbot/Jesus are so stubborn against kicking down with the advice you want and crave and all the rest of that shit, I'M gonna do it.
Ask me anything you want. ESPECIALLY the theological and hypothetical. I guarantee that I will answer, right or wrong, if it's reasonably well written, in english, and I feel like it.
EVERYBODY but Magdalenbot and Jesus. BECAUSE my answers will often involve EATING MEAT AND WASHING GENITALIA, USING GUNS AND NOT VOTING BECAUSE POLITICS IS POOPADOODLE. AND BECAUSE THEY DON'T KICK DOWN, I DON'T WANT TO KICK DOWN TO THEM.
Chop this message and stick yer question in its place
for the followup.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Sharon B <sharon@lart.com>
On Sat, 08 Feb 2003 22:03:07 GMT, "nu-monet v5.0"
<nothing@succeeds.com> wrote:
Okay.
*Why* is it that you *never* have to pee until *after*
you've sat down in the tub, or turned out all the lights
and snuggled all comfy under the blankets, or pulled
on both pairs of long johns--sweatpants--snowboots--coat--and
gloves?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "nu-monet v5.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>
Easy answer. When I was a kid this old guy visited and wanted to tell risque stories, but not around the kids. So instead he told a tale of the crashing ocean waves and the thundering waterfalls as torrents of rain came crashing down. Pretty soon the kids were standing in line at the bathroom door, leaving him in peace to tell his dirty tales to the adults.
The bottom line is that you can ignore your bladder until it's bustin', or you can pay it mind when it has a quarter cup in it. It's all in your head.
--
Give me thank or kill me.
--nu-monet
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: mshotz@aol.comnospam (James T. Rex King of the Monsters)
>*Why* is it that you *never* have to pee until *after*
you've sat down
>in the tub, or turned out all the lights and snuggled
all comfy under
>the blankets, or pulled on both pairs of long
>johns--sweatpants--snowboots--coat--and gloves?
The same reason you nose always iches when you put on a crash helmit, gas-mask, etc.
MSHOTZ: The Post Post Modern Man
"You remind Me a Song I can't name, in time I don't
remember, in a place I
don't think I've ever been to."
Grampa Simpson
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: bobdiddley@aol.com (Bobdiddley)
>Ask me anything you want. ESPECIALLY the
>theological and hypothetical.
What would Jesus do, if I asked you to ask him to place
himself in a hypothetical situation? What if it were
the other way around?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "nu-monet v5.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>
Bobdiddley wrote:
> What would Jesus do, if I asked you to ask him
> to place himself in a hypothetical situation?
> What if it were the other way around?
He would prolly continue to ignore me, as I would prolly do if he asks my advice.
--
"YOU BELONG TO US NOW!"
"GET DOWN WITH MY SICKNESS!!"
--Kino Beman, brand name
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Kolaga Xiuhtecuhtli <XXXiuhtecuhtli@worldnet.att.net>
OK... Is Ozzie Osborne a SubGenius?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "nu-monet v5.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>
Kolaga Xiuhtecuhtli wrote:
> OK... Is Ozzie Osborne a SubGenius?
Not in all places at all times, nor in all parts.
--
Anyone with a gun pointed at you is the government.
--nu-monet
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: El Queso <""the_cheese_23\"@(nospam)yahoo.com>
Do you remember that sitcom "Open all night" that ran for 6 episode in the early 80's? You know, the one where the guy ran the all night convience store with his wife and stepson? What was that redhaired stepson's name?
Queso
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "nu-monet v5.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>
El Queso wrote:
> Do you remember that sitcom "Open all night"
that
> ran for 6 episode in the early 80's?
No.
And I'm pleased to have answered you promptly.
--
Unless there is some reason for investigation,
the federal law and the Constitution still
protect the rights of citizens.
--FBI agent Greg Stejskal
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: El Queso <""the_cheese_23\"@(nospam)yahoo.com>
Thank you for your prompt and concise answer. You are better than most answer yetis.
Queso
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "Rabbi Jacklyn Hyde" <rabbs@subgenius.com>
"El Queso" <""the_cheese_23\"@(nospam)yahoo.com>
wrote...
> Do you remember that sitcom "Open all night"
that ran for 6 episode in
> the early 80's? You know, the one where the guy
ran the all night
> convience store with his wife and stepson? What
was that redhaired
> stepson's name?
Nu-Monet contracted out this question and I'm happy
to assist:
http://us.imdb.com/Name?Whipple,&20Sam
--With love (and the occasional useless trivia), the
Rabbs
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "Blackout" <blackout@404subgenius.com>
"nu-monet v5.0"
WHY IS PHOENIX?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "nu-monet v5.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>
Blackout wrote:
> "nu-monet v5.0"
>
> WHY IS PHOENIX?
It was about halfway between Tucson and Flagstaff on the Salt River. There were pre-existing canals left there by the indians and Hayden's Ferry across the river. It was also on the best rail route east-west across the State.
But that only accounted for the first 50,000 or so people, until the invention of the swamp cooler in the 1950s, and later the air-conditioner. The damming of the river and the spraying for mosquitos with DDT also radically reduced the incidence of a number of seasonal epidemics in the region.
Last but not least, in the 1960s, there was a concerted effort to locate large semiconductor plants there due to the cheap land for both plants and worker housing.
Its #1 reason for existing today is tourism.
--
And I've better myself made clear!
--nu-monet
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Joe Cosby <joecosby@SPAMBLOCKmindspring.com>
Dear St Nu-monet:
Do red death beams shoot out of Jesus' eyes like cyclops on the x-men if he wants them to?
--
Joe Cosby
http://joecosby.home.mindspring.com
Just shoot them in the head with a MAGGOT GUN and claim
it was a tragic FISHING accident.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "nu-monet v5.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>
Joe Cosby wrote:
> Dear St Nu-monet:
>
> Do red death beams shoot out of Jesus' eyes like
> cyclops on the x-men if he wants them to?
Calling them "death" beams is a misnomer. Actually, they are sort of multi-purpose. And the red color is also deceptive--that's just one common frequency in the visible light spectrum. I imagine he can emit just 20W of ordinary white light at night to navigate to the bathroom. No need to lase. And IR vision would really be good to warm up frosty hands on a cold morning.
I really have no idea of the parameters of Jesus' "super" powers. And unlike Superman, who would blab to anyone that he couldn't see through lead and was physically susceptible to green kryptonite, our Lord keeps that information pretty limited to a need-to-know basis.
--
"Proud and insolent youth,
prepare to meet thy doom."
-- Captain Jas. Hook
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: friday@fridayjones.com (Friday Jones)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Dear St Nu-monet:
Is it wrong to have sex with a man, woman or other in
an effort to convert them to "Bob"?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "nu-monet v5.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>
Friday Jones wrote:
> Is it wrong to have sex with a man, woman or
> other in an effort to convert them to "Bob"?
It is NOT wrong to have sex with a man, woman or other in an effort to convert them to "Bob".
It is ALSO NOT wrong to have sex with a man, woman or other in an effort to convert them to Connie.
It is also NOT wrong to have sex with a man, woman or other in an effort to convert them to "Bob" at least insofar as getting them to send in $30 to the Church.
However it IS wrong to have sex with a man, woman AND other in an effort to convert them to "Bob" by sending in $30 to the Church ALL AT THE SAME TIME, unless you get dinner and a movie thrown in, wrong in this case meaning that you are 'easy.'
AND THIS IS *NOT* TO SAY THAT IT WILL WORK. JUST BECAUSE YOU SEX SOMETHING DOES NOT MEAN THAT IT IS ABNORMAL, YETISYNY, OR YOUR SOULMATE/LIFEPARTNER/POSSLQ.
Remember, that having sex with normals or those who are indeterminantly semi-Yeti is much like beastiality while listening to a 'Spice Girls' album. Peculiarly unsatisfying.
This is also not to say that it is "right", either.
--
"Do not EVER watch a Rammstein video when
you are fried on Hawaiian mushrooms."
--take my word for it
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Joe Cosby <joecosby@SPAMBLOCKmindspring.com>
On Sun, 09 Feb 2003 03:29:19 GMT, "nu-monet v5.0" <nothing@succeeds.com> wrote:
>It is NOT wrong to have sex with a man, woman or
>other in an effort to convert them to "Bob".
I concur with your expert dianosis, Doctor Nu-monet.
I would also like to point out that I am not doing much this weekend and my faith in "Bob" is weakening lately.
Just for anybody keeping score.
--
Jupiter gives wisdom to those he would lose
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Joe Cosby <joecosby@SPAMBLOCKmindspring.com>
Doctor St. Nu-monet:
If I have sex with someone in order to purify them for a grisly improvised human sacrifice and slice them to shreds over the great Goblet of Life in order to collect their Vital Fluids for the congregation to share, and that someone theoretically happens to be a waitress at Denny's that was picked up on a late-night ketamine binge, would the customary 15% tip be sufficient, or should I splurge?
--
When life gets too stupid for it's own good; get stupider.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "nu-monet v5.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>
Joe Cosby wrote:
> If I have sex with someone in order to purify
> them for a grisly improvised human sacrifice
[Ed: In this case, a waitress at Denny's]
> would the customary 15% tip be sufficient, or
> should I splurge?
An "improvised human sacrifice" is just your lust and hormones talking. And while you might do it once or twice in your teen years, I'll let you know right now that it's no way to find happiness and fullfillment in your human sacrifices in the long run.
For instance, I bet you hardly know this waitress. Have you stalked her? Collected her garbage? Made a face mask from her disposed undergarments? Covered an entire wall with hidden camera 8"x10" prints of her as a altar?
And think how much more enjoyable your sacrifice would be if she begs you, pleads with you, to kill her ritually!
Sure, struggling against her bonds and terrified of what you *might* do might seem like fun, now; but in the long run, you just want to relax and enjoy yourself as you summon forth the whatever beings to witness your acts of depravity. It's also so much better when you don't have to futz with gags and things.
--
Rev. nu-monet
High Priest
Church of Kali (Reformed)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: idrmrsr <idrmrsr@subgenius.com>
Here's one.
If God could do it all over again, would he?
[*]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: ZwieBack <kevansmith23@yahoo.c0/\/\>
Who's god?
--
http://home.sport.rr.com/cuthulu/ human rights =
peace
YOW!! The land of the rising SONY!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "nu-monet v5.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>
ZwieBack wrote:
> Who's god?
The other white meat.
--
"No drug matches the threat posed by marijuana."
The addiction rate to marijuana by our youth
exceeds their addiction rates for alcohol,
cocaine, heroin, methamphetamine, ecstasy and
all other illegal drugs combined."
White House Office of National Drug Control Policy
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "nu-monet v5.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>
idrmrsr wrote:
> If God could do it all over again, would he?
Actually, He left "reality" running before he went off on vacation. He has no idea that burglars broke into his house and stole all his stuff *except* for reality, and even took a dump on the shag rug in the living room.
Right now He's more concerned with the fact that the hooker He picked up stole His wallet, with all his cash and credit cards, gave Him a roaring dose of the clap, and now has Him sitting in jail because she was only 14 and the local magistrate is her uncle.
--
"This hedgehog will live with us!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: swilliams00023@yahoo.com (S Williams)
i've got this "friend" who craves hot dog
buns and fantasizes about firing ranges while washing
his genitals in the voting booth. So, my question is,
if I can only eat fish on Friday is it ok to do pork
on Wednesday?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "nu-monet v5.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>
S Williams wrote:
> So, my question is, if I can only eat fish on
> Friday is it ok to do pork on Wednesday?
Well, I would need to know why you can only eat fish on Friday, and what do you mean by "doing" pork?
--
"No giant sea sparrow is known to be
endangered by the eating habits of goats."
-- correction in The New York Times
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: ridetheory@yahoo.com (ignatz topolino)
What is the difference between Old English Furniture Polish and Old English 800 Malt Liquor?
iggy topo
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Joe Cosby <joecosby@SPAMBLOCKmindspring.com>
ridetheory@yahoo.com (ignatz topolino) wrote:
>What is the difference between Old English Furniture
Polish and Old
>English 800 Malt Liquor?
none that I can taste.
--
I want a rubber stamp that says "My Slaves Grew
Hemp!"
iggy topo
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "nu-monet v5.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>
ignatz topolino wrote:
> What is the difference between Old English
> Furniture Polish and Old English 800 Malt
> Liquor?
One you use to polish a table right from the bottle, the other you use to polish a table right from your stomach.
--
"A stupid movie WILL NOT make you turn
down a blowjob. Simple as that."
-- nu-monet
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "Artemia Salina" <y2k@sheayright.com>
"If I were a rich man, yidel didel yidel yeedel
didel voom!
All day long I'd biddy biddy boom, if I were a wealthy
man!"
What does "biddy biddy boom" mean, and why would one need to be wealthy to do it?
--
Hellpope Huey on NENSLO: He's the black-ops Elephant
Man of the Mensa set.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "nu-monet v5.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>
Artemia Salina wrote:
> What does "biddy biddy boom" mean, and
why
> would one need to be wealthy to do it?
I'll give you a hint: Ted Turner needed Jane Fonda to "biddy biddy boom", and when she wouldn't anymore, and left him, he eventually had to resign as VP at AOL/TW and hope against hope that he could get someone else to "biddy biddy boom" with enough to get back ownership of the Atlanta Braves.
In fact, MOST of the Skull and Crossbones rituals performed at Yale involve "biddy biddy boom", and those who either can't or won't are limited to belonging to other Eli institutions, like the Porcellians.
Unless one is especially endowed to "biddy biddy boom", it is not recommended, as an ordinary person could either break their collarbone or tear an achilles tendon in the effort, and severely damage their expensive "biddy biddy boom" device.
--
Give me thank or kill me.
--nu-monet
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "Leonard the Committed" <ccssk@-REMOVETHIS-chartermi.net>
What if there WERE no hypothetical questions?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "nu-monet v5.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>
Then there would only be questions of fact.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "Paul E. Jamison" <pauljmsn@infi.net>
Dear Dr. St. Nu-Monet
What do dogs think about?
Specifically, what do they think about when they're licking their genitalia?
Paul E. Jamison
--
"There's more pressure on a vet to get it right.
People say 'It was God's will' when Granny dies,
but they get *angry* when they lose a cow."
- Terry Pratchett
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "nu-monet v5.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>
To "get" anything greasy, chunky, loose or drippy.
--
Give me thank or kill me.
--nu-monet
Original file name: ASK NU-MONET. ANYTH.txt - converted on Friday, 13 June 2003, 22:40
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