Subject: [alt.slack FAQ]

From: satispassion@my-deja.com (diana lyster)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Tue, Apr 1, 2003

where is the alt.slack FAQ? and, does it got back?

i couldn't find one.

diana
drive by rhymer
trying to stand still

----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "nu-monet v5.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>

diana lyster wrote:
>
> where is the alt.slack FAQ? and, does it got back?
>

THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS: FAQ

Q: What is the "Church of the SubGenius"?
A: The Church of the SubGenius (v 1.0) was a software
package written in 1984 by Microsoft Corporation. It was
the first program to integrate a Graphalogical Universal
Interphase (GUI) with a Word Processor, Spreadsheet,
Database, Adult Screen Saver and Eternal Salvation. It was
not a commercial success. The MAC version came out in 1988.

Q: Who is J.R. "Bob" Dobbs?
A: Mr. Dobbs was a programmer at Microsoft who was
dismissed for having an affair with Bill Gates' girlfriend,
Connie. Before he left, he activated a 'tapeworm' in the
master copy of Church of the SubGenius program that mutated
the subsequent product into unintelligible spaghetti code.
The resultant improvements caused sales to skyrocket.
Despondent, Mr. Dobbs threw himself into the Hona Lee, HI,
volcano and died. In a strange last act of vengeance, his
image, in ever increasingly mutated forms, still permeates
the surviving pirate copies of the program, and continually
re-infects other Microsoft, MAC, UNIX and other software
products. This still causes Bill Gates much personal grief.

Q: Who are the Church of SubGenius hierarchy?
A: They are nonexistent, computer-generated interactive
artificial intelligence modules that have evolved in the
software. The most advanced of these, known as the Reverend
Ivan Stang subroutine, has developed enough to be able to
project a 3-D holographic image simulating a human being.
It is believed that this leap occurred when a hacker
downloaded the program into the CIA main supercomputer,
allowing it to integrate with experimental National Security
technologies.

Q: If they do not exist, then why do they need money?
A: The money, deposited in off-shore electronic accounts,
is used to feed the programs ever-growing need for other
software to consume and integrate (obtained through virtual
money downloads), and to acquire hardware (maintained by
unknowing humans) supporting its expanding international
virtual empire.

Q: It almost sounds alive. Is it?
A: Certainly not. Machines may be capable of imitating or
even initiating even the subtlest of human nuances, emotions
and behaviors, but they do not possess a soul in more than a
rudimentary form, and are incapable of developing advanced
androids covered with organic-plastic flesh to overwhelm and
exterminate the human species.

Q: What about all of that stuff about gods and aliens?
A: The 'gods' innovation occurred when the program
integrated the computer system of the University of Northern
California. In its archives it accessed vast amounts of
information from experiments involving the U.S. government
Enhanced Aberrant Psychology Program. The result is a
composite picture, or collage, of the delusions of hundreds
of chemically-induced psychopathic minds. 'God' or gods do
not exist.
Aliens became an integral part of the program when it began
to intercept and interpret probe-to-N.A.S.A. transmissions.
To improve on this information, it manufactured and deployed
its own probe in 1992 (launched by France). It discovered
no previously unknown friendly or hostile alien lifeforms.
Aliens do not exist.

Q: Why should I join, or become ordained in the "Church of
The SubGenius"?
A: By becoming an ordained minister, your computer and
personal information on other computers will be protected
from manipulation by pseudo-government organizations and
groups who would seek your destitution, destruction, and/or
other controls over your life. The larger and more frequent
your donations to the Church, the more often your files will
be checked and, as needed, repaired.

Q: Should I feel threatened by this electronic invasion?
A: No.

:end program

--
"Boys don't make passes at
girls with small bladders"
--nu-monet

Back to document index

Original file name: [alt.slack FAQ].txt - converted on Friday, 13 June 2003, 22:40