REV. GIRL-U-WANT named $waggart of the Year
Simply because the Quijibians are COOLER than anyone else, I expected the world's first Indyvival to be a FUN devival. But I certainly did not expect THIS Slack-imbued an atmosphere. Because they have the best taste in preachers, I expected the PREACHING to be good, but I didn't expect the audience to be THIS receptive. Because there has never been a big devival in Indiana, I expected a fair turn out at the club and decent sales at the Sacred Swag Table, but I SURE didn't expect a packed house and RECORD BREAKING sales.
After totaling up the $wag-take and dividing it by the number of people there, I determined that EACH PEW-PACKER had bought an average of $8 worth of STUFF from the Church.
Only at DRAGON CON have we ever sold such volume... and 10,000 people attend Dragon Con.
The SubGenius Foundation and the Quijibo posse shared a big sales table. The Swaggartess on the Foundation side was REV. GIRL-U-WANT, sometimes aka SlackSlave, sometimes aka Rev. Thea. Lil's fiancee. MY GOD MAN!! Only *NOW* do I see what Lil has been planning! How could I have been so blind. This "Long March" is a long range plan indeed, starting with the stealing from Ohio of the Swaggart with the Magic Touch.
BUT THERE IS YET HOPE FOR THE MIDWEST!!
For Thea was WoManning only the Foundation side of the swag table. The other side, a display of all known issues of Quijibo, had at its helm a young Quijibian lady. A young lady whom the cagey Rev. Cletus Interruptus, her long time escort, has WISELY kept away from X-Day Drills, Sister Decadence and Dok Frop.
Shortly after things got started, Thea came over to me and said, "Stang, I just sold a Membership to quite possibly the BEST LOOKING WOMAN that this Church will EVER have in it."
That's a pretty bold statement. Think of Princess Wei, or Astrobabe, for instance. All I can say is, the newly ordained Sister Rachel also could NOT POSSIBLY have come from this planet.
In Saint Al Capp's comic strip of old, Li'l Abner, there was a character named Stupefyin' Jones. Stupefyin' Jones, probably a relative of our Rev. Friday Jones, was so good looking that she was NEVER SHOWN, so beautiful that not even AL CAPP, who could draw Daisy Mae and Moonbeam McSwine, would attempt to draw her. She was the anti-Medusa: so gorgeous that men who gazed upon her were struck dumb in total paralysis. She was used to foil men's escapes during Sadie Hawkins Day. The sight of her caused Li'l Abner's wooden shoe-soles to come back to life, and sprout roots -- roots that grew into the ground so quickly that he was held fast, enabling Daisy Mae to finally catch him and marry him.* These Space Babes...
It's like that.
Friends, SubGenius devivals no longer look like GWAR shows, with an audience of 1,000 Stangish-looking pudgy bespectacled boys. We only get 100 of them. But the SUBGENIUS BOYS, once they finally get one, have GREAT looking girlfriends, so there's also 50 DOLLS at SubGenius Devivals, albeit all TAKEN. And the Indyvival was particularly awash in Connietite FLESH. Oh my god. If a perverted old SubGenius lad or lesbian is into those slim model types, there were plenty of those to gaze upon enraptured, and if you're like me, a renaissance man into renaissance sized "plumpers," you'd be drooling like a hound dog, stomping one foot and howling at what was packed into those TIGHT outfits... ahhh yes, the Harvest... hoo dawgies... Oooh la la... Sister Decadence... Evangela... that new girl.... that other new girl... ngogngogngogn, be still my heart.
R. Crumb would be GREEN with envy if he knew what he'd missed.
Well, you can see where my head's at. In the Gutters of Heaven, among the Soft Round Things. To be fair I should say that Pope Phred and Papa Joe did their usual superb preaching performances, which I'll have to hear OVER and OVER while editing Hours of Slack, and had GREAT SUITS. Still, even Pope Phred's sartorial splendor and collarbone-breaking rantsmanship was overshadowed completely by the charm of Cleo, his lovely fiancee. I was SO happy to see Pope Phred with this wonderful lady instead of that whiny girl that used to follow him around, "Andreoo" or whatever her name was.
I suppose I could say something about Saint N's spectacular one-man musicianship, which sure got me to dancing, in fact it even inspired me to undergo the Fake OverMan Mask transformation, and wear that damn hot rubber mask. But I'd rather ooohh and ahh about the band's VOCALIST, HELLENA. How can she possibly be so good looking and still be able to remember all those lyrics?
If there are any women who were at that devival that I HAVEN'T flattered and slobbered over, yet, believe me, it's only because carpal tunnel syndrome and lack of space-time are preventing it.
I'm trying to give an accurate devival report, and that's what I remember best. All the BEAUTIFUL LADIES' SMILING FACES and DANCING LAIGS.
I met and talked geek with StAllio, whose very ear-ripping mixes St. Mykal has been posting to a.b.s. lately. When I first saw him across the room I thought he was Rev. David Lynch (our David Lynch, not the other, less notorious one that makes movies). Similar beard-do.
As may be obvious, I was feeling much more rested and refreshed than at the recent Cleveland devival. ("Sleep is the ONLY true narcotic." -- Philo) This time, Rev. Chris Lee, St. Mykal, Rev. Cletus and that new young guy, I forget his name, good camera man, they had to run around like chickens with their heads cut off and undergo Convention Host Syndrome to earn their Devivor Diploma. BUT!!! THEY DIDN'T!!!
As befits their laid back beatnik reputation, the Quijibo gang members NEVER FREAKED OUT!! In fact even while coordinating airport runs and backstage lobotomies, they displayed a preternatural calm that was infectious. Or maybe that was just Dok Frop's Power to Disorient People's Minds at work. But at any rate, this devival, and the general jawing and partying before and after, had the most DELIGHTFUL atmosphere!
I have just about never experienced such pure unsullied GOOD VIBES at ANY devival or X-Day Drill.
NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON hassled me. NOT ONE MENTALLY ILL STALKER blathered his pathetic mind games at me. NOBODY'S BEERY BREATH was so godawful that I wanted to start a temperance movement. Everyone SPOKE LOUD ENOUGH for even me to understand them. Every single crazy SubGenius maniac showed me GOOD MANNERS. The heckling was perfectly timed and judiciously applied. Nobody stole any of our shit. The club was a really NICE place, not a dive. The bathrooms smelled FINE. The antithesis of the Euclid Tavern bathrooms. The fine historic Dollar Inn where the Quijibiacs graciously housed us was PALATIAL and had Cartoon Network. And, there are White Castles all over Greenfield and Indianapolis. I can no longer use that material as food, but it was reassuring to know that Sliders were nearby, COULD my guts handle them.
One of the most memorable experiences of my LIFE -- and Wei feels the same way -- was the sort of brunch on Saturday afternoon before the devival, at the Broad Ripple Brewer's Pub. It was just like an X-Day Drill or, as Dok Frop pointed out, a typical SubGenius Amsterdam restaurant scene. The room was FULL of people and I knew damn near every single one of them by Church name... yet they were from ALL OVER THE COUNTRY, it seemed like. From neighboring states anyway. For instance Rev. Jim and his pals from Detroit, Rev. Pickle from Chicago, Doktor PissOff and Barbra Alien from Pittsburgh (just a sampler)... it was like an indoor Brushwood.
The pub DID swiftly move us into a special room away from The Others and then close the door. Some of us look and sound very mild mannered but others think nothing of blurting out a hearty "Fuck "Bob"!" through their mouthful of piercings and tooth modifications.
What else... the Youngest SubGenius Preacher, Rev. Alex, and his dad, came, but of course Rev. Alex couldn't enter the devival because he's only 15, but we stood around in the wind and yakked for awhile outside. These damn stupid LAWS... the state can force 15 year olds to go to SCHOOL, yet they can't DRINK?!? What kind of sense does that make?
I did not have to kick Chris Lee's ass for flirting with Wei, as I had threatened, because I was able to instead kick his ass with a toast/brag in the Dolemitean tradition. Althoough the sight of him down there necking with my wife while I bragged about kicking his ass for flirting with her almost interrupted my carefully timed delivery. I wrote the brag in the car and typed it up on Chris' computer when he wasn't looking. He might want to extract that from his documents folder and post it, IF HE HAS ANY CAJONES.
During the Amateur Rant-Off at the end, when we had open mike, and hardly any drunks were going for it, Wei and I SANG as a DUET our new song parody, also written in the car, "You say SubGeniuses and I Say SubGenii." This is an utterly inside-joke, Bobbie-like "filk" song that we would never inflict on an audience during the "paying" part of a devival. I will be interested to hear the recording. Princess Wei is a singer in a folk trio and has the voice of an angel. I have the WORST known singing voice, at BEST, and I was very hoarse from preaching.
It must have sounded REALLY REALLY REALLY FUCKED UP. But, "anything for a laff," "the show must go on," and "fuck 'em if they can't take a joke," those are our mottos in the SubGenius Burlesque trade.
I had a couple of brain-fart flashback confusion moments because at certain times it looked like an exact duplicate of the recent Cleveland devival. Pater Nostril, who is like family, was able to escape West Virginia again; he has became the world's fastest Giant Dobbshead-and-Banner-hanger. Rev. Toth Wilder, one of the fathers of Ohio SubGeniusdom, brought a carload including the newly very-slightly-renamed Rev. Steve Cynic. These people are where MY Slack comes from at these devivals, because they help pack up all the decorations and the Ed Strange Giant Pulpit and Jesus Canvas "Bob" and Giant Full Metal Dobbshead, the swag and tripods and mikes and so on without me EVEN HAVING TO ASK. GODS ON EARTH my friends, ANGELS WALKING AMONG US. HE-DEMONS VOMITED UP FROM HELL. One or the other.
More like a sinister chortling devil was new Cleveland Heights neighbor iDRMRSR, "Mister Sister" when spoken aloud, which name has led to some confusion. Hardly anybody knows what he looks like and whenever I mention his name they go, "Now... uh... Mister Sister... with a name like that... is he, like, um, a, uh, "tee vee," one of those, EH, trance jender-like folks?" Actually that's a good question, come to think of it. I have no idea why Mister Sister has that name. He's about as far from a TV as you can get, being a Dadful sort of daddyio and jolly Good Ol' Boy on first impression. It takes at least 5 minutes to figure out that he's so very fantastically twisted and sick, possessed of a sense of morbid humor that rivals Dr. Legume's, although of a distinctly different horrible pstench.
Whenever alt.binaries.slack-fux get together -- in this case Pater Nostril, me and iDRMRSR -- we always speculate about how crazy our FELLOW hard core a.b.s.-fux might be. And what they LOOK like. iDRMRSR and I have both met the mysterious Atom Funway in person... if it was really him and not a minion... but NO ONE knows if "Fernandinande LeMur" really even exists or is a committee somewhere. The one blurry photo of IMBJR was discussed. If you think about it, most of the a.b.s.-fux are behind so many layers of Secret Identities that we don't really know for sure if each other are male or female, or even mammalian.
I DID MEET MAGNA-3, though. He posted a lot of cool audio on a.b.s. last year and has been off-line since. He came to the devival. He lost his good Net connection due to changing jobs or something like that, but will probably be back to posting soon.
Magna-3 said that being "forced off-line" turned out to be Involuntary Slack, in that, while unable to post, he got a LOT more creative work done than when he was spending a lot of time on-line.
PERHAPS THERE IS A LESSON IN THAT!!
Whatever it was, I've already forgotten. I am still a tad woozy from the Devival and trip back. We drove, Wei drove rather, and it's a looong way, and it rained a lot. I cannot BELIEVE that Princess Wei is out in the world functioning. My every bone and muscle -- such as they are-- are ACHING, partly with Slack. It is COLD too. Last week Northern Ohio became HOT, and we took down the storm windows and even set up A.C. in the Bed Chamber. Now it has switched back to London-like chill and fog. But, I am excited and warmed by the prospect of checking the SG newsgroups for devival feedback, as well as by the donated Mac and CD burner which is cranking out Hour of Slack copies. This will be a GOOD WEEK. I will finish sorting the a.s. posts, I will geek out setting up the new office computer donated by the great and handsome St. Marc, I will get some Art Mines of new artists up on SubSITE, AND, I have the ACE digital video camera this week so I can touch up the new video with the NEW PO BOX, and start advertising the hell out of it.
Wow, I will be sending the swag $-order to AUSTIN instead of Dallas. What a bold new century this is getting to be. Seeing how EXPERTLY the Quijibo clench is carrying on, and IMPROVING, the devival tradition, I as the Sitting Sacred Scribe -- sitting on the Throne of Excremeditation, the new Best of Quijibo issue in hand -- am heartened indeed for the future of our noble Church of the SubGenius. SURELY Dobbs will be made proud, and will GET OFF HIS ASS and get this gobbs-blamed X-Day Rupsture thing back on schedule. THIS JULY!! SEE YOU AT X-DAY!
ALL HAIL THE QUIJIBO CARTEL!!
This has been my testimony.
L'il Big Abner
* Interesting side note -- Princess Wei's mom was a big Li'l Abner fan and used to sketch Daisy Mae when she was pregnant with Princess Wei, idly thinking her daughter might come out looking like Daisy Mae.
It's a DAMN good thing Wei wasn't born a boy, I reckon.
Original file name: Indyvival Record Sal.txt - converted on Thursday, 29 May 2003, 16:43
This page was created using TextToHTML. TextToHTML is a free software for Macintosh and is (c) 1995,1996 by Kris Coppieters