what i found in my email

From: xenu <noway@not.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Reply-To: dont@you.com
Date: Mon, Mar 18, 2002

this was sent to me by some one who is nameless
>Subject: True Story
>
>
>Susy DeLucci and the Miracle of Life.
>One morning around 5am 22 year old Susan DaLucci of Kittery Maine,
>woke up with a painful need to urinate. At first she thought she had
>diarrhoea, but when she stood up out of bed, she realised that it was
>urinary pain.
>
>It was very similar to the feeling of having diarrhoea, just out the
>wrong hole. She wobbled to the toilet and upon sitting on it, her vagina
>erupted into the most horrific messy farting noise anyone has ever
>heard. In
>paralysing pain, Ms. DeLucci for the next few minutes continued to push
>and squirt out of her vagina a burning tide of wretch and filth while she
>gripped the sides of the toilet, white-knuckled.
>She was screaming wildly, and the neighbours called the police. When
>medics arrived they found Ms. DeNucci unconscious lying on the floor of
>her
>bathroom wearing nothing but her bath robe. Running down her leg, was
>a
>stream of brown and green syrup. The medic had to transfer her to a
>stretcher, so he grabbed her left leg which was bent crossing her other
>leg, to straighten her out. She was lying there all twisted up. When he
>lifted her left leg to straighten her body out, he exposed her vagina at
>which
>point a creature, no larger than the tip of a finger wormed its way out of
>her genitals and landed on the floor with a wet popping sound.
>Shocked, the medic stared at the creature that was lying on the tile
>bathroom floor in a casing of mucous. It was a tiny mud shrimp and it sat
>there
>on the cold floor gasping for water while flipping itself back and forth.
>
>The horrified medic turned to the toilet as he felt the nausea
>setting in. When he put his face down into the toilet to puke what he
>saw was so horrific that to this day he cannot look into a toilet without
>convulsing.
> >> >
>The entire toilet bowl was boiling with baby brown mud shrimp flipping
>and splashing at a furious pace.
>
>If you think that is bad - wait until you hear how it happened: Ms.
>DeLucci official death was the result of a combination of shock and
>severe
>head trauma. She stood up over the toilet in pain and when she saw
>what
>she had done, she went into shock and fell, smashing her head on the
>toilet and then on the floor.
>
>It is believed by medical police that on two nights before the accident
>she had purchased a live lobster at a fish market. While lying in a tub,
>she gently inserted the creature's tail into her vagina to derive
>pleasure.
>
>At that point, she held a lighter under the creature's face causing it
>to flip its tail in a violent snapping motion. The medics found a lesbian
>XXX video in the VCR and the TV was positioned on a table in front of
>the
>tub.
>
>The lobster was found in the kitchen garbage can wrapped in a paper
>bag.
>Traces of Ms. DeLucci's DNA were found on the lobster along with
>pubic hairs that had wedged themselves between the lobster tail joints.
>The lobster's face was lightly burned with the same fuel used in lighters.
>The lobster's digestive track and colon were found to be full of mud
>shrimp
>egg casings. Doctors believe that the lobster had eaten them (they
>are common in the water at fish markets and are usually harmlessly
>boiled
>to death) and the lobster had crapped them out into Ms. DeLucci's c**t
>when she was torturing it. Maine mud shrimp only take two days to
>gestate and Ms. DeLucci was only four days away from getting her
>period,
>doctors believe that at that point of her menstrual cycle, her womb was
>the
>perfect PH balance to grow these mud shrimp which are a much larger
>version
>of the popular "Sea Monkey" pets sold throughout the US. Over night the
>eggs
>had hatched and the mud shrimp began doubling in size every ten
>minutes.
>
>You can imagine the pain she was in when she woke up that morning
>and
>gave birth to well over 1,000 mud shrimp in her toilet.

---------------------------

He's an obese Jewish master criminal who hides his scarred face behind a mask.
She's a provocative tomboy Hell's Angel from a secret island of warrior women.
They fight crime!
-------
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety
deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Benjamin Franklin, Historical Review of Pennsylvania, 1759.
---------
I've been looking for a savior
In these dirty streets.
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets.
I've been raising up my hands,
Drive another nail in!
Got enough guilt to start my own religion.

--Tori Amos, "Crucify," from Little Earthquakes
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "Alliekatt" <alleykatzen@hotmail.com>

"xenu" <noway@not.com> wrote in message
news:3r9d9ugk2pbst93p3obojo7jnr28orkfs3@4ax.com...
> >Susy DeLucci and the Miracle of Life.

That was the grossest damn thing I ever read and I lend kudos to the
imagination of the writer. His mind is a far far more horrible place than
mine, and my sympathies are with him for having to live in it 24-7. Good
thing I noticed the inconsistencies quickly. Besides the first-person
account of a person's thoughts, who supposedly died alone, an immediate
marker of an urban legend. With actual parasitic infections like hookworms
and African ankle worms and bloodborne intramuscular parasites etc., the
parasite has evolved to get oxygen from the host. Brine shrimp need oxygen,
light, and especially a much higher salinity to hatch. Marine organisms
cannot survive inside of land animals; unlike freshwater organisms and
parasites, the biology is far too different.

Why do you think sushi is all saltwater?

The worst that woman could have suffered is laceration of the vaginal wall
and peritonitis. If the story had involved that instead of giving birth to
shrimp, I would have gladly vomited.

http://www.snopes2.com/sex/juvenile/lobster.htm

alliekatt
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "nu-monet v4.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>

Alliekatt wrote:
> That was the grossest damn thing I ever read and I
> lend kudos to the imagination of the writer...

As far as vaginal horror stories go, I was kinda hoping
that Keanu Reeves was worked in there somehow.

Like, she meets Keanu at a Holiday Inn, but she's had
a lot to drink so forgets if they went up to her room
later for sex. She thinks it's a dream, waking up alone
late at night. So she goes back to bed.
But the next day, with a pending business meeting,
she is suffering terribly from constipation, so she
asks room service to get the house doctor. He is a
disgusting old man who injects her with an experimental
drug he stole from a government veterinarian, then also
gives her a really powerful laxative.
Soon, her vagina begins to itch terribly and has a
sickly looking yellow discharge--a lot of it. And her
constipation now has severe gas so her whole abdomen is
bloating. She starts vomiting green and black all over
her room, which is really embarrassing because she is a
neatness freak--washing her hands over and over until
they are painfully red and chapped.
But, she is so dedicated to work that she packs up and
goes to her meeting, desperately trying to hold her
sickness in. The meeting is delayed so an executive
orders out for some Krispy Kremes--a whole dozen of the
really greasy, creme-filled chocolate ones that might
be a little old, as the grease is a little rancid.
She's starving hungry so she crams down half the box.
Then the CEO comes into the room for her once in a
lifetime presentation, her one big shot at letting the
BIG BOYS know that she is a management fast-tracker...

"Good afternoon gentlemen," she begins, "today I would
like to present a plan for the future, and the very
survival of Global Crossing!"

Then, with no further adieu, she trombone vomits a
filthy, disgusting, black and green gallon of stomach
acid and rancid chocolate-creme grease all over the
conference table. She tears off her panties and starts
frantically scratching her bright red labia with her
equally red hands while shouting "ARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!",
not realizing an enormous giant of a black cigarlike
turd is extruding from her asshole in a bizarre parody
of Groucho Marx. And then, with an tremendous pussy
fart, "BRAAAAAAAPP!", she blows hundreds of tadpole-
like, mucous-covered squirmy Keanus all over the room
and the open-mouth executives.

"And is the opinion of everyone at Arthur Anderson?",
asks the CEO...

--
"Reeling and Writhing, and the different
branches of Arithmetic -- Ambition,
Distraction, Uglification, and Derision."

--education, according to the Mock Turtle
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "Hilbert Hooper Aspaspia" <britton@subgenius.com>

"xenu" <noway@not.com> wrote in message
news:3r9d9ugk2pbst93p3obojo7jnr28orkfs3@4ax.com...
> this was sent to me by some one who is nameless
> >Subject: True Story

Put it back before it gets settled.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: HellPopeHuey <hellpopehuey@subspamgeenyus.com>

In article <3r9d9ugk2pbst93p3obojo7jnr28orkfs3@4ax.com>, xenu says...
>
>this was sent to me by some one who is nameless
>>Subject: True Story

And you still can't figure out why Fox refuses to give you a Saturday morning
slot. IMBECILE! You have 'PeeWee II" written all over ya.

HellPope Huey, hellpopehuey@subgenius.com
Every hero has a little tarnish around back

"One 'BOB!' One MIGHTY 'BOB'!"
- Rev. Ivan Stang

"...but whoever speaks against the Holy Spirit
will not be forgiven,
either in this age or the age to come."
-Matthew 12:32

"This is the worst crazy sect I've ever been in."
- "Futurama"

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Original file name: what i found in my email.txt - converted on Friday, 20 September 2002, 16:05