For the Silver Hair Yeti - timesaving Code

From: iDRMRSR <alex.i.thymia@depression.org>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Sat, Mar 16, 2002

Stang has made mention of the perils of living past about 43 in human
form. All the ills this flesh is heir to, that sort of thing. Being of
similar vintage, when I see him, we usually trade a discussion of our
latest chillblains. It seems to be the thing to do once you ripen
sufficiently, but I agree with him, it's totally boring.

Thus, I propose that we institute a special code that all silver hairs
can use as a SIG that will immediately address all this stuff in one
short mnemonic string. This will be sort of like the GEEK code that
computer nerds use.

OK, the first and foremost digit of the code is the number of days you
have gone without a satisfying bowel movement. If the first digit is
actually a letter, it's the number of days of diarrhea. Like 1xxxx is
pretty normal, though 0xxx is better, and Axxx means you're getting over
the flu (or diverticulitis). If that rating is followed by a W, it
means someone else is in charge of the wiping in your case. A small w
indicates some difficulty, or possibly, anal leakage.

Next, a simple + or - which indicates your ability to copulate. Could
be a ?, meaning you are willing but not always up to it. Or an @ which
indicates only anally (or preferredly that way). Or ^ for Lesbian, |
for Gay Male, or ~ for simply kinky. Or the letter d which means, bring
lube. D of course, means, bring LOTS of lube. V means, OK but only
with Viagra.

The third digit connotes how much hair you have relatively. 0 is bald,
9 is Italian/Middle Eastern. If the suffix -b is attached, that means
you have some back hair. B indicates, once again, Italian/Middle
Eastern.

Next, we have general mobility. & indicates you are wheelchair bound or
otherwise significantly mobility challenged. If that is followed by a
number, it indicates the number of missing limbs. > followed by a number
indicates the number of aching joints above the waist. < followed by a
number indicates the number of aching joints below the waist. And |
followed by a number indicates the number of aching vertebrae (it is not
necessary to indicate which segment, cervical, Lumbar, etc, unless you
want to). If the number is negative following any of the mobility
symbols, it indicates replacement of the part has occurred.

Then comes cancer. That's the letter C. It can be followed by a 0,
indicating you don't have cancer, or a negative number indicating the
number of times you've survived it in the past. If followed by a ~, it
means you are currently receiving some form of therapy, which can be X
(xray), O, operation, C, chemotherapy, or $ meaning bone marrow
transplant. You can also use the # followed by the number of months you
have left. Like, C~OXC$#2 means you are pretty close to Bob right now.
If the # is followed by a negative number, that's the number of breasts
removed. So, C1#-2 sort of describes Ann Jillian. Now then, if those
breasts were replaced, you can indicate r for some reconstructive
surgery, or R for a really nice job.
I mean, who could resist a C1#-2R?

Continuing on that important thread, if the number is actually 0, that
means you have no prostate gland. So like Bob Dole could be C1#0 with a
sex code of V.

Missing a lung or kidney? C1(1) means one kidney left, C1{1} means one
lung left.

Next we have the Breathing category. A simple B means you can breathe
OK. B& means you need to carry oxygen around. B~ means you have asthma
or emphysema. You can follow the B with the number of years you
smoked. If that number is negative, it's the number of times you tried
to quit. You can put both numbers there, like B23-2 means you can
breathe, have smoked for 23 years, and tried to quit twice.
B~30-100 represents some asshole who doesn't believe the damn surgeon
general. Oh, and a T at the end means you have a tracheotomy. Mobility
code of & and breathing code of B&T means you are probably on an iron
lung. Or perhaps, Christopher Reeve.

Following that, we have degree of senility. That can be simply @ for
full blown Alzheimer's, # for totally mentally alert. Other codes are,
*F, forgetful, *D for simple dementia, or + to indicate depression,
followed by the number of failed suicide attempts.

Then we have the Continence rating. K means you are fully kontinent,
both urine and bowels. !G#5 indicates that you have gas and fart
frequently, 5 on a scale of 0-9. !! means you need to wear pee pads.
!!! means diapers. K..means, a few dribbles here and there that explain
the smell. The special symbol |K means catheterized.

Continuing, we need the Heart/Blood/Circulation rating. {} means you
are currently unaware of any problems with either. {1} means you have
survived one heart attack. {A} means you have angina. {*} means you
have problems with your circulation that make you dizzy at times. {%$}
means you have an artificial heart. {%+} means a pacemaker. A comma
separates into a second number which is the number of arteries replaced
or ground out. Another comma for the number of repeat procedures. Like
Dick Cheney could be {*5A%+,5,2563}. If you only want to announce to
someone that you are probably going to have a bypass, you could say {A,
>5} with the > meaning "going to have" 5 arteries bypassed.

You can also indicate some other conditions this way. {,,,~} means you
are hemophiliac. {,,, followed by a Cancer rating string, indicates
your history of leukemia. So like {*,,,C>$} means you are going to have
a bone marrow transplant in an effort to cure your leukemia.

{,,,A means full blown Aids, + or - indicate HIV status, and X means, I
am not allowed to be a blood donor for some other reason.

Then we have the Family History chart. Here, you can put in the ratings
of the people you must CARE for.

That's a little complicated. It starts out in brackets. [] means
nobody to care for. [*] means, no living relatives. [F5] means I have
5 living relatives that don't give a fuck about me. [F5/2] means I have
five living relatives who don't give a fuck about me, but I still love 2
of them. Otherwise you just put in the number of relatives who you do
care about you and care for you back.

Now then, we can go on to describe the generations of people we must
care about.

[+ describes that you are caring for a male relative. < means "of a
prior generation, repeated to indicate the number of generations back if
greater than 1. [+<<1 means "I'm taking care of one grandfather". -
means a female. So, [->>1 means, "I'm raising a granddaughter". An
exclamation point following that indicates that it is an INLAW. Your
own spouse or S.O. is represented simply by a = (=~ if you are a gay
couple). That in turn can be followed by the ordinal number of the
particular union, or an X to indicate "former".

Now here comes the splendid trick, you just string the dependent's
Silver Hair Code after a '.'. Code in a second dot and append to that
">*" which means "gonna die soon", or ">*?(6-12)" has about six months
to a year to live, or ">*#1" has one month to live.

So here is a real sad fellow, look at how many people he has to care
for:

[-<1*.BW-2&C#1-2RB~50!!!{*}.>*?(1-3), ->3, +>4, =X&]

His mother in law (-<1*) has had diarrhea for two days (B=2), can't
copulate, has only 80% of her hair, replaced breasts, Smoker for 50
years with asthma/emphysema, can't wipe herself, needs diapers, gets
dizzy. She's also not expected to live for more than 1-3 months. And
he's got 3 daughters and 4 sons to raise, and his ex-wife is wheelchair
bound (-&).

Finally, if you suspect you have something wrong, you can add in a dot-?
and then specify it:

xxxxx.?>*

means that in addition to all your present woes, you think you are going
to die (*=death). ?>C means you are going to get checked out for
cancer, ?{1} means you think you had a possible heart attack, ?>{1}
means you are going to get your ticker checked. ?>- means you're getting
impotent, and ?>V means you plan on getting a prescription for Viagra.

Think of all the time this will save communicating! Why, I've reduced
an entire hour's Silver Hair conversation down to just a short string of
characters!!!

[*]
-----

Incidentally, I'm 1+8|1B24-1+4K..!G3{*}[2, F6/2].?>*
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "nu-monet v4.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>

iDRMRSR wrote:
>
> ...Thus, I propose that we institute a special code...

Geez, and I thought I had too much free time! But what
about us who *aren't* going to go gracefully into that
night? So utterly in a state of denial that we are
still in the pursuit of the tannis leaves of, if not
eternal youth, then eternal unnatural undeadness?

I mean, hey, I can dream, can't I?

So what if Stang pegs out in 30 or so years? I can
imagine my descent conducting arcane and prophane
rituals with his body parts for several hundred more--
and like in a Christopher Lee Hammer film, whenever
they need him for a devival or something, they just
put $30 in a coffin and pour that inevitable vial of
dried blood on it--and kazango!, instant Stang.

You think I make a big hoke, no? Were you aware that
funeral homes across the US are *already* offering
DNA storage services?

Me, I plan to be like the villain in "Vampire Hunter D"
who dresses like a Prussian nobleman and lives in a
steel castle somewhere in Montana, until the government
burns me out for collecting 400 years of Social Security.

Remember that MORTALITY is one of the greatest tools of
the CONspiracy. They PLAN for interference by just
laying low every now and then for a few hundred years
then springing back to life, forgotten by their enemies.

Personally, I can imagine a situation where, if you take
the IMMORTALITY DRUG, you have to leave the planet, so
that you won't overpopulate and will still be alive when
you reach Alpha Centuri and link up with the Robinsons.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>

In article
<FFE0A660F8E400D0.C25E01C9719AB8C3.4C6E3AFDA9005DCE@lp.airnews.net>,
iDRMRSR <alex.i.thymia@depression.org> wrote:

> Incidentally, I'm 1+8|1B24-1+4K..!G3{*}[2, F6/2].?>*

Holy fucking %%#$@^&&$*$)@#$#%@!!

This suggests personals ads in the weeklies:

"[-<1*.BW-2&C#1-2RB~50!!!{*}.>*?(1-3), ->3, +>4, =X&], humorous and
adventurous, wishes to meet generous 1+8|1B24-1+4K..!G3{*}[2, F6/2].?>
for companionship, -Cv3, movies, conversation, 7rTV9-0, possible
C-x?RB~ sports."

--
4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected
P.O. Box 181417, Cleveland, OH 44118 (fax 216-320-9528)
A subsidiary of:
The SubGenius Foundation, Inc. / P.O. Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214
SubSITE: http://www.subgenius.com PRABOB

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Original file name: For the Silver Hair Yeti - time - converted on Friday, 20 September 2002, 16:05