The Zen of Bitching for "Bob"

Date: Thu, Apr 25, 2002 10:32 PM

From: HellPopeHuey <hellpopehuey@subspamgeenyus.com>

Yeah yeah, "Huey, you BITCH, its what you DO!" Well guess what, you pampered
poodle pudenda, not only am I one of the very BEST at what I do, there'd BE no
Church WITHOUT bitching! I DARE you to point out much of ANYthing Dobbsly that
ISN'T based in some sort of complaint, anger, frustration or woe. Its a yin-yang
universe and "Bob" is here to help turn our yearning into the yanking of Pink
yangs so there's less lost YIN to bitch ABOUT! Or at least to keep us from
taking up automatic weapons, despite their high Fun Factor. Do you think "Bob"
would have chosen STANG as his Chosen One if he'd been a peppy yuppie with a
bubble butt in a bubble-top Bugatti hauling a hefty TRUST fund?? DAMN no, HELL
NO! He needed someone with the FIRE of that mighty, burning HATE to fan the
flames of an empire aimed at scorching the earth THEY stand on and planting FROP
in the ASHES!

Overall, if you ain't bitchin' SOME, you ain't fully ALIVE. Of COURSE no one
wants to hear it, but its WAY, WAY better than taking an illicitly-stashed Black
Talon round to the forehead, ESPECIALLY if they make you wanna pull the trigger
yoreSELF! Even the happiest of our rants, songs, artwork, legends and lore are
based in wishing THEM wuz dead and WE wuz on top where we rightfully BELONG!
THEY are the millstone around our collective Neck, WE are the flint that strikes
it and "BOB" is the resulting spark that yields the Fire of SALVATION and
*SALAVATION* UNBOUNDED!

Its THEIR shoddy handiwork that makes things fall to the floor when you grab
the handle, THEIR system that demands your very SOUL as the premium for a policy
that pays off in BAT guano, THEIR crappy Windows software that crashes your
hopes & dreams by demanding a secret back door that assaults YOUR back door,
THEIR unbridled ignorance and selfishness that sucks the cherry off your
sundaes, the chrome off your bumpers, the dreams from your sleep and the flies
right out of the MOUTH of your iguana!

It is your right and your OBLIGATION to BITCH in all the RIGHT ways until you
BANISH the poltergeists of Petulant Opposition, ENGENDER the heee-larious
GutBlowOuts of NormWorm Neutralization, FIRE up that FootGland in 4-star-style,
SHOCK the livin' GHEE out of ANYone who looks at you slideways and apply the
heated wire COAT hangers of Connie's Enrageulation to the arrogant ASSES of the
Bing Crosby clones who make your workaday life more WORK than its WORTH! Yes,
its a case of whistling past the graveyard of all you hold dear when you CRANK
IT UP and TRIPLE-BLANKITY-DAMN BITCH your way to HAPPINESS like "Bob" done
LEARNED ya!

So at the leathery, flaming HEART of every heartfelt burst of bitching is a
seed of RIGHTeous indignation at the proliferation of the WEEDS of Pinkdom, a
desire to don the floppy clown shoes of Retribution and KICK the ass that craps
on the flowerbeds containing the budding BLOOMS of our Slack, GENERATING the
seed pods that fly about on the 7-bladed windbreaking WINDS of our mighty ANGER!
That anger turned inwards is depression, but that anger turned SIDEways is J.R.
"Bob" DOBBS!!!

So BITCH, my bretheren and sisteren, lean back, open up your Pipes and BITCH
WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT, because every little utterance of your feverish conTEMPT
for the vendetta of the Pinks against YOUR right to the mental health or illness
of YOUR choosing adds another little RUB to the Sacred DobbsLamp that will bring
forth the UberGenie of Slack, eventually PLOP your paid-up ass in the Leather
Seat of Vindication on that Pleasure Saucer and *SET* *YOU* *FREEEEEE*!!!!!
PRAISE "Bob."

Okay, pilgrim, skin THAT'un and I'll bring ye another'un.

SHUT UP

BITCH

SHUT UP

HellPope Huey, hellpopehuey@subgenius.com
Not Going Utterly Mad: Its Job #1!

"You know, it's not like
I *wanted* my car to break down."
- Shay, explaining to the police officer
why he was blocking traffic
on the overpass

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Original file name: The Zen of Bitching for _Bob_.t - converted on Friday, 20 September 2002, 16:08