On Getting a Life

Date: Sat, Mar 9, 2002 5:49 AM

From: Modemac <modemac@modemac.com>

Okay, I admit it. I have a life. I'm no longer one of those
450-pound geeks who spends 90% of my time in my parents' basement,
doing nothing but chatting online and whacking off to poorly-written
sex stories. I'm getting married in two weeks, I have a lovely
fiancee, I work (ugh) full-time, I have a car, and I pay bills. I
have a life.

And man, that sucks.

Back when I *didn't* have a life, things were so much easier! I was
able to spend all of my money on cool things like CDs, laserdiscs,
stereo equipment, and comic books! I didn't have to worry about
getting my car fixed, or about driving my girlfriend all over the
place so that she could spend my money on important stuff like
furniture, curtains, silverware, and clothes! I didn't have to fork
over 75% of my paycheck each week to pay bills! I could sleep late
(at least on weekends), I could go out to the movies or to a
restaurant to eat at any time I wanted, and I could spend five hours
doing nothing but sitting at my computer and writing an epic treatise
on the deeper meaning of "2001: A Space Odyssey."

But now I have to pay bills, help my fiancee move to our new
apartment, visit our parents and relatives on weekends, buy birthday
presents for family members I didn't even have five years ago,
entertain guests, and worry about losing weight.

What happened to me? The answer, dear friends, is obvious. I've
fallen for the trap of the CONSPIRACY!

The CONSPIRACY forces us to get lives! The CONSPIRACY makes us come
out of our shells and become everyday working "normal" people! It's
because of THEM that I have to worry about things like a credit card
bill, saving up to buy a new queen-size mattress, and fixing the
tranny on the car. The CONSPIRACY has seduced me and pulled me into
its folds, and I've fallen into the trap of normalcy that we all, as
SubGeniuses, try desperately to avoid.

Fortunately, though, my inner Yeti refuses to die, and I can still
find the occasional nugget of Slack even in the midst of this utter
Pink hell known as "a life." My boss praises me and buys me lunch on
the average of once a week or so. I can buy movies on DVD -- and
while my Queen and I may not have the same taste in movies, we don't
forbid each other from getting what we want. So she has the compleat
box set of "Black Adder," and I have "Trainspotting" and the
"Godfather" trilogy. We get to see our friends together, and we can
still spend online time emailing and chatting with friends. (And the
sex is great, too!)

And I just got an increase in my credit line, which means I can get
her something special for our honeymoon that I wasn't able to get a
week ago. Not only that, but after our wedding we're also going to
have a pagan handfasting...*and* she'll be coming to X-Day with us so
that we can have a true SubGenius wedding. She's enough of a latent
Yeti that I'm convinced she'll enjoy Brushwood. Even if she doesn't
do much stuff with US, there's still plenty of pagan things going on
for her to enjoy. So we're still getting our Slack.

But for those of you who don't have lives yet: ENJOY YOUR FREEDOM.
The CONSPIRACY is doing everything it can to ensure that it won't
last. Eventually, even YOU will become like me, and you will be
forced to grow up and GET A LIFE.

But until then, when someone tells you to get a life, you can just
flip them the bird and demonstrate to them that lives are overrated.

--
First Online Church of "Bob"
http://www.modemac.com/

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "nu-monet v4.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>

> Okay, I admit it. I have a life...

(muted whispers followed by grins)

***
WELCOME TO ARIZONA
Nothing valued is here.
This sign is a message and part of a system
of messages, left to discourage the unwary
traveller.
Pay attention to it!
Sending this message was important to us, for
we despise you and all who are like you.
We considered ourselves to be a powerful culture,
though our professional football team sucks.
If you enter into this place you will be smitten
with radiation and horrible things will bite
and sting you. The people are evil and violent
and will attack you.
There is nothing for you here.
GO AWAY.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: dyskolos <dyskolos@menander.org>

> But for those of you who don't have lives yet: ENJOY YOUR FREEDOM.
> The CONSPIRACY is doing everything it can to ensure that it won't
> last. Eventually, even YOU will become like me, and you will be
> forced to grow up and GET A LIFE.
>
> But until then, when someone tells you to get a life, you can just
> flip them the bird and demonstrate to them that lives are overrated.

For the love of "Bob", at least DON'T BREED. If you're miserable now,
just think how you'll feel enslaved to an infant. Or else say goodbye
to sleep, freedom, peace of mind, and undamaged personal possessions for
twenty years. Forget entirely about doing what you want to do when you
want to do it, having fun, or spending time with other adults who can
talk about something other than their children. Man, if you spawn you
damn well better live through your child because your life is OVER.
Don't look back on this years from now and say I shoulda listened. But
then you'll be the first who ever did listen.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: joecosby@mindspring.com (Joe Cosby)

Or if you do, DON'T BREED HUMAN.

Human infants have a remarkably high development time, and are
completely worthless until they are fully developed, not to mention
that in our culture that survival development time is extended
substantially by the time needed to brainwash them and teach them to
use personal computers, what we call 'school'.

So for heaven's sake, CROSS BREED WITH A MORE PRACTICABLE SPECIES. A
human/cat mix might be good, cats are up and hunting in a few -weeks-.
Or maybe consider a litter of chicken-boys/girls. Then if times get
tight you've got a handy alternate food source. Tastes just like
chicken.

They're doing wonders with genetics these days, MAKE SCIENCE WORK FOR
YOU. That's what it's there for.

--
Joe Cosby
http://joecosby.home.mindspring.com

"When you were establishing your personal relationship with God didn't
He tell you that CLUELESS PEOPLE MAKE BABY JESUS CRY?"
-- Steve Sullivan

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: purple <purple@ingress.com>

Not you, Modemac!

That leaves me still the only one who beat the system.

Bob Dobbs

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: purple <purple@ingress.com>

> For the love of "Bob", at least DON'T BREED.

I was the first to listen to, or perhaps I should say ANTICIPATE, your
warning, since I did it decades ago. I did later acquire foster twins when
they were 16, but that was no problem.

Bob Dobbs

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>

Modemac, this is a WONDERFUL essay! You hit several nails on the heads.

I can add a paradoxical twist, though. I got married at a much younger
age than you did, and found myself in the situation you describe, at
age 20. Actually it took a few years for it to SINK IN. However, in the
midst of this quiet desperation, like yours, indeed BECAUSE of it, I
was driven to do something that would forever cut me off from the two
car garage, station wagon and retirement fund. I WENT TO WORK FOR
"BOB".

When Philo mentioned that word, "SubGenius," and showed me the BEST
picture of "Bob," I thought, "HMMMMMMMM. A WAY OUT??!?"

You think you're developing too much of a life now, wait until your
first CHILD. Then not only does your TIME become devoted to that "life"
-- somebody else's life in truth -- but your MIND does too! You
actually WANT to do nothing but take care of the little snot-nosed,
puking, wailing, shit-butted tyke or tykes!

YET -- and this is a BIG YET -- at age 26, when Ydnax was about 3
months old, I sat there holding a milk bottle in his mouth with one
hand while pasting up the SubGenius Pamphlet #1 with the other hand...
it was frustrating, but worth it. Well, to me anyway. I am not sure
what the first Mrs. Stang would say about that.

The early years of the Church's growth, a growth encouraged through
crude manure fertilizers instead of the fancy stuff we have now, using
instant print shops and postage instead of computers and modems,
happened at the same time in my life as the most critical child-rearing
and life-getting aspects were at their peak. AND while I was holding
down technical jobs.

So you CAN HAVE BOTH. But it about like to drove me totally nuts.
Having a life is tricky, but try having TWO! One "real" life AND one
"nutty hobby" REALER one! Takes a lot out of you.

Nonetheless, it can be done and might well be worth the effort. I guess
if I had died or blown my brains out at some point along in there, it
would have been a sad ending. Luckily nothing ended except the SHIT.
The first wife is off having her own new life, the two kids grew up and
APPEAR to be JUST FINE and then some, and though I have to do so on a
low budget, I now get to work my ass off on more or less what I WANTED
to work my ass off on all along. Admittedly I have to spend a certain
amount of time doing plain chimpanzee labor like filling orders and
SuBSITE editing and repairing machines and washing the dishes and free
lance multimedia jobs. My blessengs yield a much higher count than my
money, so it balances out enough.

Modemac, I remember meeting you personally for the first time back in
1996 at the first Middle East Club devival, and I am SO DAMN GLAD that
we invited you to Cleve's party afterward even though the van was
packed full. 'Cause it sounds to me like you're a guy who keeps growing
up and getting younger all the time. You have changed a shitload in
these 8 years and I am sure you will keep changing, all the while
remaining the Human Cartoon we know as Modemac... "straight man" of the
Gods, so to speak. You have only become MORE "Modemac-like." This is
GOOD.

I'm GLAD I could never afford all those rock and roll albums when I was
younger. Now I am getting them all for FREE just as a reward for
waiting for X-day a little longer.

I was just telling my mother in law this very morning. She was
marvelling at some TULIPS that have BUSTED UP RIGHT THROUGH THE ASPHALT
of my driveway. These tender baby green things have, simply by
inexhorable pressure, and despite recent freezing storms and snow,
punched upwards through a couple of inches of man-laid asphalt. "SLOW
AND STEADY," I told the Queen Mom. "That's my philosphy about getting
rich. Slow and steady wins the race." She asked, "But is that the
philosophy that you started with, or did you switch to that later?" I
had to admit that now that I was almost 50 I had indeed had to drop the
"Get rich quick" philosophy if I was going to have a "get rich"
philosophy at all. And I still do. It would provide the perfect
punchline to my art project. Also, the "poor" thing? Been there, done
that.

Also, imagine being in your twenties and getting THE BOOK OF THE
SUBGENIUS out, and having your VERY TOP NUMBER ONE HEROES in life tell
you that you had done well! It would all be downhill from there unless
you decided to set even higher goals. Such as VAST WEALTH -- HOARDS OF
GOLD AND TREASURE AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE! So that's been my new
goal, though you'd hardly think it to look at my daily routine. "SLOW
AND STEADY," that's the ticket.

Anyway, thanks, Modemac, for a very thought provoking article. I got
some great big quasi-sadistic big chuckles out of it.

And friends, you'll have more than a few good chuckles if you go to
www.subgenius.com, click on $ and order the amazing audio CD called
"BEST OF ESO/HOUR OF SLACK"! I gave Rev. Geo a copy in return for
making a shitload of devival posters and just listen to what he has to
say!

Rev. Geo?

Uh, Rev. Geo?

Anyway, ORDER THAT CD!! I built 26 sets of shelves while editing down
that material to the very unkleenest and funniest of Lonesome Cowboy
Dave, Prof. Chas and my own fevered fucked up brainmouth-buttflap.
That's a lot of editing.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>

> But then you'll be the first who ever did listen.

Kids, don't listen.

Everything he says is quite true. It's what he's leaving out that
makes this such a sad, shallow, untrue statement. What he's leaving out
is the life part of this "having a life" thing.

If you don't like abortions, don't get one; if you don't like
overpopulation or kids, don't have a kid.

If you still have your primate, nay, mammalian instincts, raising
children is NO PROBLEM; on the contrary, it's the easiest and most
natural thing in the world. It's BY FAR the best thing I ever did, and
the most fun. By a VERY long shot.

It's all the other SHIT that is the problem.

If all you're concerned about is that SHIT, then by all means, DO NOT
have children! They might get their horrible little grubby fingerprints
on your mint condition Green Lantern #273. Indeed, you can bet they
will.

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Original file name: On Getting a Life.txt - converted on Friday, 20 September 2002, 16:08