>>>LEARN TO DANCE THE DOBBS WAY!<<<

Date: Thu, Jan 31, 2002 10:24 PM

From: HellPope Huey <hellpopehuey@subspamgeenyus.com>

Do you feel your monkey hindparts set to twitchin' every time that new BUG
music the kids like fills the air like the butt-gas of a thousand bean-filled
grampaws? Wanna dance, but can't get past looking in the mirror and saying "Oh
'Bob'damnit, I'm WAY too white to do anything but wiggle around and look like
Dick Clark on barbiturates!" Well, never mind all that pissant pop-&-lock
N'Stink stuff! You can knock the very PLANETS out of ALIGNment when you let the
Church bend your sacrum and sternum together at the SubGenius School of Dervish
Dancing! You'll surf your own pelvic girdle to the heights of a life that would
have KILLED your ancestors to even SEE! A tidal wave of sonic confections that
killed a thousand snake-handlers will sail you directly into a world of sweaty
carnal bliss! You'll be the Lord of Your Pants in a fartnight or "Bob" will keep
yo' money ANYway! HAH!

Do the "Groucho Duck Walk!" 'Regyptian Strutify' yo'self to the divan and leap
on yer Short Duration or Long-Term beloved stretched out ON it, HAW glory! Hie
your mutant ass around the local mall, making half the Pinks shrink back in
horror and the other half grab Yeti butt for a conga line that'll have the
Baptists setting fire to themselves and leapin' from the 3rd floor of the atrium
in a reenactment of the passing of the comet Kohoutek! "Bob" will teach you to
snap those coat tails so smartly, you'll end your evening of hoofing hijinks
with a Hickory Farms summer sausage and a port wine cheese spread spilling from
the folds of your light-footed audacity!

Learn to do "The Pipe!" Its long, hard and HOT! This UN-natural outgrowth of
the pole you wanna vault every 15 minutes of the average male day is the
ultimate terpsichorean expression of your Yetihood! Yes, you'll trip the clit
fantastic, even if all you can do besides find your front door keyhole with a
funnel after a night soaking in Kickapoo Joy Juice at the local bump-&-tickle is
pass out on the floor and do "The Slack," after you do "The Heave," of course!

Express your disgust with the vulgar vituperations of the manly gender by
learning "The Connie Crotch Kick!" If you can't get the wonder worm to stay in
its place until the time is ripe and so are you, get a naughty thrill by
learning to triangulate on the Golden Triangle below and LET FLY! Sunder that
sack and make the dork git BACK!
Or slam that ham into reverse and do the seductive "Slink of the Connieite!"
You'll be able to ski on the sea of slobber that will issue forth from the
salivary squirtin' of the FORMERLY SubUberMenschs when you waggle that thang in
the same manner that made "BOB" HER SLAVE, m'HUNH!

How about "The Beer Boogie?" Yes, its that well-loved stumble you picked up
the first time your parents left you at home alone and you threw up all over the
living room 'cause they were too STUPID and PINK to think you couldn't crack
that liquor cabinet! You'll be drinkin' mouthwash & dabbin' a little behind each
ear like the REST of the in-crowd! This one is quite a bit like BEING a
SubGenius, 'cause you'll say or do just about ANYthing at ANY time, except this
way, you'll barf more.
And in the free-wheeling spirit OF the SubGenius, anything is fair game:
wastebasket, sculpture, the rumble seat of a classic car, the oven, the fridge,
the dog's bed, the hot tub, the kids' toy box, the CD player and of course, the
lingerie drawer! What a hoot! Possible receptacles limited only by your
imagination, PRAISE "Bob!" Remember, when you're drunk, you look WAY more
glamorous and desirable and SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE!

Do "The Fuck-All!" Easiest dance of the lot, you've been doing it since the
first time you were told to stop selling Daddy's rubbers to the big kids for
your comic book money! Yes, its that old familiar pirouette you did when you got
fired and tamped a potato up yer ex-boss's tailpipe as you left! Almost as funny
as what you did to his CAR, eieieie!!! Its the light-footed turn you did when
your ex got the clap from that thing with the hairy mole! Its the dance you were
BORN to do and you'll do it AGAIN when you realize "Bob" weren't gonna give ya
no refund anyway!

Need a break? Lay in the floor and do "The Slack!" This wondrous cousin to the
Mind-Your-Backs Tango and Saint Dave Stewart's Lethargy Shuffle is the ultimate
exercise in Zen LAZINESS! Its the easiest dance in the WORLD to learn! Splice
your biggest stupidity and your greatest reward together for a combo platter of
ascended sloth that'll suck the shame right out of your gleeschlonken and make
you a potato-brain to be RECKONED with!! You've been practicing it ALL YOUR LIFE
while you watched the billions of hours of television that made you stupid
enough to PAY "Bob" to be "TAUGHT" such a thing in the FIRST place!!!
EIEIEIEIEIEIEE!!

Then there's the "Dumbass Duet," into which we both entered when I wrote this
and you read it.

HellPope Huey, hellpopehuey@subgenius.com
The film sucked but the soundtrack was grand

You're talking to someone who
really understands rock music.
- Tipper Gore

'Music is a moral law- it gives wings to the mind,
a soul to the universe, flight to the imagination,
a charm to sadness, a life to everything.'
- Plato

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Original file name: LEARN TO DANCE THE DOBBS WAY.tx - converted on Friday, 20 September 2002, 16:08