LOTR - a gushing Review by iDRMRSR

Date: Thu, Dec 20, 2001 10:48 PM

From: iDRMRSR <alex.i.thymia@depression.org>

Egad, I could hardly wait to get back into my Fortress of Solitude here
to pen this here review of LOTR. I was not disappointed. Though the
length of the movie will undoubtedly cause me a bumper crop of ass
pimples to arise in the morning, I was fully entertained throughout the
film.

It is easy to capsulize the entire movie. It is basically a
Celtic-Thomas Kincade ("Master of Light") backdrop mixed with a little
M.C. Escher in front of which plays this Night of the Living Dead-Fifth
Element in the 13th century plot. Along with that is a couple of side
dishes: a brief flash of cleavage, some tentacle porn(!!!), and a couple
of tall old guys beating up on each other.

Not to mention a pair of little guys who probably expected to defeat all
evil simply by sucking each others cocks as much as possible. See,
there are only three apparent biological females in the picture. Two
are the untouchable sister/Madonna/queen types, another a fat old
broad. Along with maybe a dozen males that can't seem to keep their
hands off each other. This movie should get a special rating of Grade A
HOMO. All I can say is, by the end of the movie, Frodo sure seems to
have a purty mouth. This film goes WAY past male bonding into territory
that really had my Gaydar beeping. I mean, Sam always has to call him
"Mr. Frodo" and Frodo just calls him "Sam" in return. Beep beep.

I would say that live actors got their job done in about 45 minutes.
The rest of the film was entirely Computer Generated. I liked the
Hobbit's feets makeup, that was cool, and for the actors' sakes, I'm so
glad they got to wear running shoes covered with artificial flesh as
they pranced barefoot across New Zealand.

Also the perspective tricks making the Hobbits look so small in
comparison to the tall merehumes was really nice. You can almost hear
the director telling the six year old body double, fuckhead! Don't turn
your face toward the camera when Gandalf is fondling you!!!! People
will catch on that it's a fake.

Most of the time the nine of them sort of hung out at camp, then
something spooky blows by, one of them yells run! Run! and then you get
another battle. This continues for, oh, about 50 iterations. Then
Frodo smooches up to Sam and they go sailing off into the sunset
together. What else can you say about a story where one of the big plot
points involves them meeting a character named Strider at the Prancing
Pony Inn???

Not that I'm complaining. It all had a very high entertainment value. I
probably WILL go and see the sequel(ae), if only to see Frodo and Sam's
love child growing up in subsequent installments.

[*]
-----
PS, no, I NEVER read the books. But I did read DUNE, and two Emile Zola
Novels. That was enough.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "RevUlv" <slacker05@mindspring.com>

if you havent read the books i can see the fact that the story seems really
strange. Strider AKA aragorn ends up being one of the most important
characters if you remember boromor refers to him as the lord of gondor. He
ends up retaining his kinghood and crushing mordor with his army. So it ends
up making alot more sense if you take the time to read the books.
Funny you should mention sam and frodo relationship they toned down alot of
stuff because the american audiance cant handle 2 men saying they love each
other HO HO HO HO fucking pinks they can watch wwf which involves half naked
men rubbing each other for money but not two men saying they love each
other.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "Alliekatt" <alleykatzen@hotmail.com>

Shit, any definition of "love" in the American psyche ALWAYS involves an
unspoken secondary agenda, either of appetite fulfillment or favor exchange.
This is why men immediately associate sex with love, as do a lot of women
who are looking for a rich prince. Loving anyone for the sake of love,
without expecting or demanding anything out of it, is a completely alien
concept to Pinks. And many Subgenii. Probably because it smacks of
self-sacrificial drama, which is simply another way to satisfy an appetite
for attention, and too many of us had to deal with that kind of dumbass
relationship in college.

I think that if anyone loved someone of any gender for love's own sake,
without ascribing meaning or lust fulfillment agendas, without buggering off
in case things weren't any fun for a while, without drama and soap-opera,
without gifts and bribes, and did so quietly, AND DID NOT psychotically
embrace some barfy super-Xtian high-felutin definition of "honor"
post-romantic ideology, and was just loving and caring because they WANTED
to be loving and caring, then their head would probably spontaneously
EXPLODE and the universe would be turned inside out.

alliekatt

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "Alliekatt" <alleykatzen@hotmail.com>

"RevUlv" <slacker05@mindspring.com> wrote...

> I really feel sorry for you then . If that is true then the human race dont
> deserve to live. If we are truly that shallow and self serveing then fuck it.
> or maybe you have a twisted concept and notion of what other people
> want.......... i think that is it.

Well...actually I was making an ironic social commentary. However, I do
believe that the shallowness and evil that I stated is likely to be a rule
among humans with few certain exceptions. At least in California. I'm not
twisted, at least in an unhealthy manner; but I am far too aware of irony,
and it tends to be uncomfortable to me, if left to seethe as an untouched
Zen punchline.

alliekatt

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>

> >So on that note do you think hallucinogenic would be appropriate attire for
> >this film???????
>
> Well, don't do acid; by the time the Balrog shows up, you'll shit a
> footstool.

If you trip, just PRAY that you arrive AFTER they show the all-midget
trailer for the next Austin Powers.

LoTR you can handle no problem. That fucking trailer with the midgets
however will twist you up BAD.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Mike Baranczak <mbaranczak@FUCK.SPAM.yahoo.com>

> LoTR you can handle no problem. That fucking trailer with the midgets
> however will twist you up BAD.

Dude! You saw that too? I thought it was just me.

-MB

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Original file name: LOTR - a gushing Review by iDRM - converted on Friday, 20 September 2002, 16:09