NEWS: RESERVISTS: Slack wins out, for now.

From: nu-monet <nothing@succeeds.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Tue, Oct 23, 2001 7:09 PM

Secretary Tom Ridge, the new head of the "Department
of Homeland Security" recently expressed his disgust
with the quality of the 35,000 Army Reservists and
65,000 National Guard called up to maintain internal
security checkpoints.

Out of all of these Reservists and Guardsman being
trained at the US Army School of Urban Control at Fort
Campbell, Kentucky, only a fraction have proven suitable
for deployment in the mission to return "order" to the
United States as internal security police.

The basic plan is to have each of the posts manned
with six armed Army or National Guard reservists
carrying M-16's with full field kit. On top of the
structure, to the rear, an open structure on top,
there's a man with a medium machine gun emplacement.
Unfortunately, it might take double or triple that
number of the "lazy used car salesmen, fast food
workers, and other weekend warriors" to man a single
post, according to a Homeland Security representative
who requested anonymity.

"All citizens not having proper identification will be
detained. All foreign nationals will be detained. All
citizens who are deemed to be acting in a suspicious
manner will be detained. This does not mean just the
negroes or Mexicans. I've said it a dozen times. The
instructions are simple enough, do you think you bozos
can handle it this time?", said an obviously frustrated
trainer to a large class of confused and bored Reservists.

The Reservists and Guardsmen also object to the new
uniforms, which they repeatedly complain are ill-fitting
and silly looking. It's a new gray uniform with a gray
helmet and a visor so you can't see their eyes. The
only thing you can see is from their lips down, designed
"to prevent any retribution" from people who don't like
this new idea. "To keep us from dying from embarrassment,
more like," said one trainee. "I keep tripping," said
another. "It's really tight in the crotch," says a third.

And that is another problem. The uniform looks exactly
like the Imperial Storm Troopers from "Star Wars" except
instead of white, it is gray. They trainees seem to like
the helmet's little transceivers so they can communicate
with each other, chatting until their instructor
deactivated their headsets, but otherwise say they feel
like extras in a low budget science fiction movie. When
there is an idle moment, they start doing lines from the
movie. "We mean no harm to your planet." "These are not
the parents you are looking for", says one, which elicits
snickers from his peers.

"Any detainees attempting to escape will be shot."

This order also proved to be very trying for the
instructor, as the Reservists and Guardsman couldn't
seem to grasp why people should be shot. In frustration
he finally told them to shut up and shouted, "Shoot them
because I say you're supposed to shoot them! Dammit, you
do what you're told! You follow orders! They are bad
guys! If your officer tells you to shoot someone, you
shoot them!"

His aggravation seems to make little impact on the men,
who are mostly interested in when they can go back home
to their families, or what is for dinner in the mess
hall.

At the restricted press conference at the training center
the only person who actually spoke on camera was a drill
sergeant. He was obviously very disgusted with the
performance of his trainees. He kept repeating, over and
over, "We're here to protect the people. We have to
regain control over the country." Then he put his head
in his hands and shook his head, and you could tell he
didn't believe a word of what he was saying, like it was
a big joke.

Then they showed the procedure they were using to train
the security personnel. An average American car, like a
Ford or a Chevy, drives up and there's supposed to be a
husband and wife in the front seat and a couple of
children in the back. They drive up to the checkpoint,
and the corporal comes up to the car and says, "May I
see your identification, citizen."

Everyone stopped at the checkpoint is addressed as
"citizen." Then the guy asks for his driver's license,
then something else and something else. Then the guard
says, "Very good, citizen." It appears that he has
passed the test, but then the guard asks the man for a
cigarette, and the instructor runs out and yells, "No!
No! No! You don't ask for cigarettes. These people
are not your friends. You might have to shoot them if
they try to get away. You did it wrong! You're wrong!
You're all wrong!", he yells at the whole class.

It has been going on like this for days now. Secretary
Ridge, enraged at the shortage of personnel he deems
fit to wear the distinctive uniforms he has so carefully
designed, first suggested a draft until he was informed
that draftees are even less disciplined then are the
Reservists and Guardsmen.

--
*
It took the rigid disciplinarians of my
elementary school almost five years to
break me of my left-handedness. Since
then, and to this day, it has remained,
"Kitten in the left hand, skinning knife
in the right."
*
----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>

In article <MisB7.9835$sc.122968@vixen.cso.uiuc.edu>, Dan
<danhach@hotmail.com> wrote:

> Can you please qoute your source? I haven't been able to find anything about
> this and I want to know more.
>

"Bob" sold it, nu-monet smoked it, his keyboard typed it while forcing
his fingers to do its bidding, we read it, and that settles it!

Ours is not to question the Home SubGenius News System!

--
4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected
P.O. Box 181417, Cleveland, OH 44118 (fax 216-320-9528)
A subsidiary of:
The SubGenius Foundation, Inc. / P.O. Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214
SubSITE: http://www.subgenius.com PRABOB
----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: nu-monet <nothing@succeeds.com>

Rev. Ivan Stang wrote:
>
>
> Between this and the Newspeak releases, enough great
> War material for a whole on-mike Hour of Slack!!
>

I have the overall theme:

What we are doing now is *just* like the Vietnam war
*except* we are doing it BACKWARDS!

1) We start out with the secret bombing campaigns
conducted by the president without telling congress.
The war on drugs ends. We leave the Afghans to their
fate and move on.

2) College protestors are shot by National Guardsmen
and there are wiretappings and a break in at DNC HQ.
The Rolling Stones hold a second Altamont Speedway
concert that is a smash success.

3) There is a massacre of civilians in Afghanistan by
demoralized US troops. The soldiers start doing really
heavy drugs and the quality of rock and roll gets totally
gear. America stops being so disillusioned with the war.

4) Young people stop dressing like dirty, filthy hippies
and wear tie dyes and love beads, and make peace signs
and form communes. Hard rock is replaced with more
upbeat "Patridge Family" stylings.

5) The President begins his "Afghanization" program and
peace talks begin. All the President's advisers start
wearing butch haircuts. TV is no longer broadcast in
color. NASA discontinues the space program, decides
there is no reason to send men to the moon or other
planets.

6) The Green Berets are dissolved. The President isn't
assassinated. Segregation is re-imposed and negroes are
no longer allowed to vote in the south. The US backs a
minor, unpopular dictator in Afghanistan.

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Original file name: Slack wins out, for now. - converted on Thursday, 20 December 2001, 03:31