FBI Agents Pissed Off at Being 'Sent to Church'

From: nu-monet <nothing@succeeds.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Thu, Dec 4, 2001 11:06 AM

Can you imagine the report of the poor FBI agent
who was forced to attend X-Day?

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From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>

There were FBI reports about X-Day Drills. The Sherman
sherriff was phoned by an FBI agent in the Cleveland office around May
1998 and warned that a suicide cult was gonna pull a Heaven's Gate at
Brushwood Campground.

Luckily for us, the local state troopers love "Bob" and are friends of
many SubGenii, so our rep among that portion of the populace is as
respectable mind control cultists whose worst sin is that we let Dr.
Mojo blow shit up too loudly, and it scares the horses of the
neighboring Amish farmers.

I am surprised that the Cleveland FBI guy would be that easily
impressed; I sent the Dallas FBI office a TON of SubGenius stuff and
talked with them at length about the SubGenius Church a long time ago
(WE were getting death threats), and the damn Secret Service
interviewed us in 1982! If they're doing their job, they're using X-Day
Drills for their VACATIONS by this point. Although that particular
campground is even nicer when there's not some hipster weirdo event
happening there.

--
4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected
P.O. Box 181417, Cleveland, OH 44118 (fax 216-320-9528)
A subsidiary of:
The SubGenius Foundation, Inc. / P.O. Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214
SubSITE: http://www.subgenius.com PRABOB
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Subject: Re: FBI Agents Pissed Off at Being 'Sent to Church'
From: thereheis99@hotmail.com (Rev. Crawford)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Thu, Dec 6, 2001 10:14 AM

nu-monet <nothing@succeeds.com> wrote in message news:<3C0A3C51.3976@succeeds.com>...

> Can you imagine the report of the poor FBI agent
> who was forced to attend X-Day?:

What's to say that hasn't already happened? Remember that guy in '99
who pretty much didn't say anything and just kinda sat around and
videotaped every damn conversation or any other trivial event? Drove
a black Gremlin? How 'bout him?

I still contend that the FBI can't really have that much interest in
CotSG because we don't really constitute much of a threat to anyone's
PROPERTY. We're after SLACk, but the FBI and the segements of the Con
for which the FBI is an enforcer can't really grasp the importance of
slack because it can't be bought, sold, traded, or used to bribe
politicians. So as long as we don't represent a threat to their
sacred BOTTOM LINE, they really don't care. From what I understand,
the G-men occasionally show up at Dallas HQ in order to cop a free
coffee mug, but have no real interest otherwise.

YFNR

Rev. Crawford
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Subject: Re: FBI Agents Pissed Off at Being 'Sent to Church'
From: nu-monet <nothing@succeeds.com>

Then again, maybe it's because THEY'RE SCARED.
I mean, it's not like the Klan or the Panthers *or*
the commies. IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE! What do FBI
agents do? First they try to blend in, and then they
try to provoke you to violent, anti-government acts
after giving you money and explosives and shit.

First, the "blending in" part. They want to look
just like the "average" SubGenius. You see the
problem here. They want to look *normally abnormal*,
to "fit in", to be "one of the guys".

Then they want to be somebody's friend, and/or to
align themselves with the most powerful clique.
Gosh, shall I be an Ivangelical or a Holocaustal?
A Dobbsian or a Connieite? Pro-Clone or Anti-Clone?
And what is this "Slack" shit anyway? And what the
hell is a "Pink"?

Then they try buying drinks. (I think we need more
FBI agents buying us drinks, personally.) "Hey, man,
I got some C-4 plastique, some LAW rockets, some
55-gallon drums full of fuel oil/ammonium nitrate,
and some thermite grenades. Wanna attack a federal
building?" To which the SubGenius replies either,
"Ugh, me no like boom-boom noise!", or (stupidly
bragging) "Cool, me too! Wanna go blow it up in
the desert?"

This confuses the FBI guy further. "No, man, I
mean like let's make a *statement* about government
oppression and shit!", to which the SubGenius responds,
"Huh?" Then the FBI agent rants and raves about the
government for an hour, pausing only to buy more drinks.
At the conclusion of his diatribe, or when he stops
buying drinks, the conversation turns to X-Day or body
art or something, without missing a beat. All his
efforts have been wasted. He has pitched pearls before
swines. He is down several hundred dollars on his
expense account with nothing to show for it.

'But I really, truly believe in "Bob"', he says,
trying to regain his footing. 'FUCK "BOB"!!', shouts
everyone seated at the table, in chorus.

The FBI guy just wants to get THE HELL OUT OF THERE.

--
$
There is no nu-monet there is only Zuul.
$
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Subject: Re: FBI Agents Pissed Off at Being 'Sent to Church'
From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>

In article <129b702.0112060714.3d684269@posting.google.com>, Rev.
Crawford <thereheis99@hotmail.com> wrote:

> What's to say that hasn't already happened? Remember that guy in '99
> who pretty much didn't say anything and just kinda sat around and
> videotaped every damn conversation or any other trivial event? Drove
> a black Gremlin? How 'bout him?

He gave us his tapes -- that's a lot of what's on the XX-99 video.

He probably gave tapes to THEM too, but then They probably PAID him for
them.

>
> I still contend that the FBI can't really have that much interest in
> CotSG because we don't really constitute much of a threat to anyone's
> PROPERTY. We're after SLACk, but the FBI and the segements of the Con
> for which the FBI is an enforcer can't really grasp the importance of
> slack because it can't be bought, sold, traded, or used to bribe
> politicians. So as long as we don't represent a threat to their
> sacred BOTTOM LINE, they really don't care. From what I understand,
> the G-men occasionally show up at Dallas HQ in order to cop a free
> coffee mug, but have no real interest otherwise.
>
>

Of course the pre-Xist Church is too small-time by World Conquest
standards to merit the attention of the Feds, cops, 007, etc. AND YET
-- as late as 1998, a Cleveland FBI agent telephoned the Sherman, NY
police to warn them IN ALL SERIOUSNESS that a dangerous suicide cult,
the SubGeniuses, was about to do a giant crime at that Brushwood
campground. OF COURSE we're about as deadly as Mad Magazine -- that is,
only psychologically -- and yet the Secret Service was worried enough
about our Kennedy assassination jokes to question me in person about
them. OF COURSE we're a bunch of damn-it-all, slackadaisical,
apathetic, immoral jackanapes, AND YET the Church of the Creator racist
group in NC decided my insulting them in a kookwatcher book merited a
PUBLIC CALL FOR MY DEATH! (The main members of this group are now in
prison for murder, so it wasn't a totally idle threat.) Around '96 an
FBI guy went all through my house, ostensibly looking for ways to spy
on the "crack dealers" in the slum apartments behind my yard. Maybe
that's exactly what he was doing. Maybe those guys were just repairing
Marilyn Monroe's plumbing, like THEY said. I might be just a third
level dinner theater, college radio level entertainer, and yet there
are stalker people who travel from city to city wearing disguises so
that I won't call the cops when they approach the Swag Table to tape
record while they blurt out cryptic nonsense at me. (And then get
furious when I don't recognize them! -- Dean in Tucson and NY, J'lahn
in Amsterdam, the two other canadian Bobs in Boston, etc.))

Likewise, pot smoking is pretty harmless, and some kid smoking pot on a
Friday night in the park doesn't merit any attention from Them. AND YET
SOMEHOW, that kid is in prison now learning how to do MANLY, for REAL
crimes. And we're paying for it. Thousands and thousands of times over.

The Church should get into the prison building business, if we want to
be ahead of the curve.

What I'm saying is, even if you're not guilty, even if THE STUPIDEST
IDIOT would know you weren't guilty, SOMEHOW you can still end up
rotting your life away in a cage! Even though you weren't worth
bothering with -- not to anybody with any fucking SENSE, that is! But
this is the Planet of the Humans.

--
4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected
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From: König Prüß, GfbAEV <saurkraut@weinerschnitzle.com>

I don't entirely know how to account for the extremes of ideologies within a society, other than some bizarre Newtonian point-counterpoint True Believer gung holiness style that the ideologues seem to find as their soup du jour.

Once while searching ftp sites for inneresting stuff, I found some transcripts of Steve Jackson's early days which detailed Federal seizure of all of his electronic stuff, including a big, heavy industrial-grade bar-room PacMan machine. Now, I'm no damned wizard, but while this may have been the letter of the instruction, I can't for the life of me imagine what the Federal Agents thought Steve Jackson would do with such a subversive impliment of mass destruction as a PacMan machine, but I can only laugh at the goons who must have gotten hernias on their hemmies while humping that device of commercial amusement out to the truck. I hope they had a good time with it, and racked-up record high-scores.

I think that the long and the short of it is that these kinds of insular groups
become so inbred, airless, and self-aggrandizing that they only occasionally
catch a glimpse of reality's backside as it eludes them yet again. The recent
9/11 event is a prime example of this phenomenon, if one discounts the
conspiracy theories. The powers that be never saw it coming, and were
all like "Which way did they go" after the fact. Maybe it's like the caged
bird thing, The Emperor's Nightingale; that a security environment so isolates
those within that they lose the ability to be secure. After all, they mostly only
talk to eachother, and feed eachother's vanities, paranoias, and delusions.

PacMan! Bwahahahaha!

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From: thereheis99@hotmail.com (Rev. Crawford)

nu-monet <nothing@succeeds.com> wrote in message news:<3C110618.5784@succeeds.com>...
>
> !!! What about the prison *management* business!?

Great idea!

We could also use this as a venue for a "Scared Slack" program,
wherein impressionable youths are exposed to the dangers of following
a path of Normalcy.

-C
----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "ICEKNIFE" <iceknifeNOSPAM@lmi.net>

"Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com> wrote in message
news:071220011109045658%stang@subgenius.com...
>
> What I'm saying is, even if you're not guilty, even if THE STUPIDEST
> IDIOT would know you weren't guilty, SOMEHOW you can still end up
> rotting your life away in a cage! Even though you weren't worth
> bothering with -- not to anybody with any fucking SENSE, that is!
But
> this is the Planet of the Humans.

Subs are more likely candidates for house arrest than prison.
Religion is a primary source of solace for prisoners, and thus far
we've not been felt in the prison system. One suspects that "Bob's"
hard time may have something to do with the reluctance of authorities
to put us in prison. On the other hand, it may also be the fact that
we command less than one billionth of the entertainment industry
dollar, and are thus beneath notice. Add the general effort required
to pursue a criminal career and our lack of motivation towards short
money. Crime does not pay... at least, not well enough for a SubGenius
to consider selling out to it.

It's funny you should mention getting into the prison industry. I was
thinking about the same thing just today. See, I stopped with the
frappy a long time ago because of costs, but also because I found a
way of duplicating the effect with sound. Sound is cheaper, and easier
on the lungs. Set up a minimum security prison that doubles as a rehab
facility, take only drug use related criminals. Set it up like a
friggin resort, but with a cooking school and dojo and so on. Lottsa
Japanese gardens. Classes on various types of meditation. A
mutli-media lab. Franchise 'em... "Bob's" Primo Prisons! Branch out,
turn white collar criminals into security experts, and violent
offenders into career military and postal workers.

Yeah! And, and, a huge underwater prison where lifers sign away their
bodies to science, and we can MESS with 'em and turn 'em into all
kinda neeto STUFF like BUG MEN and GIANT THREE-HEADED MIDNIGHT CHIKIN
PEOPLE and so on. It will be GLORIOUS. Theramin music piped in to all
buildings, plastic ancient castle facing on the walls, phony disused
torture implements made of styrofoam and latex, and constant creaking
noises as if the dome were about to crack. Creepy winged lizards and
other things projected on the dome from within AND from outside.
Crucified mimes on every street corner. Fake plastic money with
Dobbsheads in piles around the place, redeemable for nothing.
Paintings of the Laughing Cow Cheese label and of "Bob" on every wall.
HA! HA HA! GAHAHAHAHAHA! BWAH! HA HA! HA!

or not.

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Original file name: Re- FBI Agents Pissed Off at B... - converted on Thursday, 20 December 2001, 03:31