Iron "Bob": A Grimm SubGenius Tale

From: nu-monet <nothing@succeeds.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Reply-To: like.excess@sex.org
Date: Sun, Dec 16, 2001 12:12 PM

IRON "Bob"
A Grimm SubGenius Tale

There once upon a time was a king who ruled over
the Conspiracy. His reign was so fearsome that he
and the Conspiracy were thought of by his subjects
as one and the same, and for this reason he was
called King CON.

King CON had a great forest in his realm, full
of all kinds of wild animals and wilder weeds. One
day he sent out some DEAmons to harvest and burn the
most dangerous of the wild weeds (which was known to
those who dealt in such things as 'Frop,) found in a
place known as 'Dobbstown', but they did not return.

"Perhaps some accident has befallen them," said the
king, and the next day he sent out a whole Omega-
strength detachment with black helicopter support to
search for them, but they too stayed away.

Then on the third day, he sent for his entire United
Nations Pakistani Shock-Troop One-World Corps, and
said: "Scour the whole forest through, and do not give
up until you have located Dobbstown and Waco'ed it!"

But of these also, none came home again, and of the
pack of drug-sniffing Nazi gorillas from hollow earth
which they had taken with them, none were seen again.

From that time forth, no one would any longer venture
into the forest in a quest for Dobbstown, and it lay
there in deep stillness and solitude, and nothing was
seen of it, but sometimes an eagle or a hawk flying
over it would spin out, overtaken by the fumes.

This lasted for many years, when an unknown traveler
who announced himself simply as G.G.G., offered to go
into the dangerous forest. The king, however, would
not give his consent, and said: "It is not safe in
there; I fear it would fare with you no better than
with the others, and you would never come out again;
no doubt abducted by alien monsters!" But G.G.G.
replied: "Highness, I will venture it at my own risk,
of fear I know nothing, nor pain, nor of other icky,
slimy parasitic beings that burrow into the buttocks
and slowly consume your vitals."

The traveler therefore betook himself with his pet
Yeti to the forest. It was not long before the Yeti
scented some 'Frop and sought to discover it; but
hardly had the Yeti run two giant steps when it stood
before a deep pool, could go no further, and a large
arm stretched itself out of the water, seized it, and
drew it under as it gave off piercing little shrieks
and whines.

When the traveler saw that, he went back and fetched
a bucket to bail out the water. When he could see to
the bottom, he saw there lay a wild man whose body was
indescribable, but who had short, dark hair, and a
pipe sticking out from his grinning mouth.

Foolishly, G.G.G. leaned over the pool to take a
closer look, and the man's arm again shot forth and
grabbed him about the neck. Then the man spoke to him,
and said, "I am Iron "Bob", and you will never work for
King CON again, but I will keep you with me, for you
have set me free. If you do all I bid you, you shall
fare well enough. Of treasure and gold have I, and
more than anyone in the world."

He made a bed of sticks, moss, and mud for G.G.G.,
on which he slept, and the next morning Iron "Bob" took
him to a well, and said: "Behold, this gold well is as
bright and clear as crystal, and you shall sit beside
it, and take care that you do not drink of it, or it
will be polluted. I will come in the evening to see if
you have obeyed my order."

G.G.G. placed himself by the brink of the well, and
was careful not to think of things that might give him
thirst. He tried not to think of pretzels, and potato
chips, and hot-peppered jerky; but soon found himself
taking just a little sip from the golden well.

Instantly, the agonizing pain which burned through
his esophagus told him that much of his insides had
been turned into machine-like metal.

In the evening, Iron "Bob" came back, looked at
G.G.G., and said: "Couldn't resist, huh?"

But G.G.G. denied everything, albiet with a metallic
and machine-like voice.

The next day, Iron "Bob" took him to a golden kiln,
and said: "Behold, this gold kiln cooks my bread with
a fire that is not hot. You shall sit beside it, and
take care that you do not reach within to take the
bread, or it will be polluted. I will come in the
evening to see if you have obeyed my order."

In the evening, Iron "Bob" came back, looked at
G.G.G., and said: "Bionic arms, huh?"

But G.G.G. denied everything, though he had to speak
up with his metallic and machine-like voice to be
heard over the clattering of the mechanisms which
operated his now-metal arms.

"I can see where this is leading," said Iron "Bob",
"so I will save us some time. DO NOT put on these
golden Nike sneakers, and DO NOT look at the cheesecake
pictures through this golden viewfinder. I am going
into the woods to take a pee. I will be back in a
minute."

Iron "Bob" snorted to himself in the woods a minute
later when he first heard one scream of pain and
amazement, followed shortly thereafter by a second.

"Hmm," he said to G.G.G., a brief time later,
"mechanical legs and two mechanical-glass eyeballs.
Gosh, I wonder what happened?" he said to no one in
particular.

G.G.G. denied all, of course.

"You have not stood the trial," said Iron "Bob",
"so you can stay here no longer. Go forth into the
world, there you will learn what poverty is. But as
you now have a mechanical heart, and as I mean well
by you, there is one thing I will grant you; if you
fall into difficulty, cry out: Hail "Bob", three
times, and maybe I will come and help you. My power
is great, greater than you think, and if I have
nothing better to do, I might show up."

So G.G.G., the traveler, went out into the world,
and despite grinding poverty, abuse and mistreatment,
and other torments that were heaped upon his head,
many of which threatened his very life; whenever he
was pushed to the very edge he would cry out:
Hail "Bob!" three times, and invariably nothing
would happen at all.

--
$
There is no nu-monet there is only Zuul.
$
There is no greater salve to the body and
the spirit than "getting over."
$

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Original file name: Iron "Bob"- A Grimm SubGenius... - converted on Thursday, 20 December 2001, 03:31