..Or maybe the title should have been.."Losing my Mind.."
I've wanted to write about this, and so I am going to. What happened to
me was profound......in a very surreal way -- at first. When it really
occured to me that I was in the middle of something life changing, I was
so far in there was no real reason to try and turn back. Furthermore I
didn't have a single desire to.
Here goes : I was a *christian* when i arrived at XX day..a very
skeptial and cynical christian, who....for going to this function in the
first place must tell you something. I didn't come with any desires to
preach or whateever, i simply needed a break.
Here is what I got: (in no particular order)
* A new best friend..(Popess Lil)
* A few new saviours.(unnamed..*laugh*)..
* LAID
* In a related vein to the very above item; over my allergy to cats...in
a very good good, yummmy way.
Still...there was more waiting for me after I returned back to
Ohio.....greeting me like a dead dawg laying in the living room
floor...flies buzzing et al....i digress.
So anyway....the losing my religion part.......because i do that
sometimes........
In general, women have never liked me. i guess their men couldn't keep
their eyes off me or something...(well..my god..it's not likei am saying
that for praise purposes..it was just the way it used to
be..then....).......that was never my problem...nor was it my intention
to make their men look at me. Nonetheless, they weren't palsy with me.
Oh, i had friends...*good* friends. Still have most of them. I just
lost one....but after 15 years, i should have realized she was never
really a friend if she could turn like this. And she has turned.
So, perhaps i should have done as another friend suggested and just
noncommittally lived out this new existence until i was in a more
protected place - a place where in i could allow my wings to span and my
ideals to solidify.
Perhaps *compromise* is something i neither desire or consider. Perhaps
i am one of the few in the shambles of this WHIRLED that will actually
adhere to a way of life and a mind set that i have allowed for myself -
one i have accepted and one i respect. Perhaps the rest of the world
really ARE dumbasses. in which case, i occupy some sector of that
number.
But moreover -
I will not fall prey to that judgmental hypocrisy. Never again.
I *believe* in God. Let that be written in the blood of a thousand
sinners like me. i believe in a place i will call eternity.
the rest has disappointed me greatly. greatly.
take your church.
take your religiosity.
take your judgments and your convictions.
take your enemy and take your angels.
take your false acceptance
take your overly hyped familial organizational
tithing till it hurts all in the name of OUR ....YOUR place of worship!
take it away, far away , so so far away from me that i cannot smell the
avon cologne! I am not burning from sin but from the #5 red dye in the
communion wine.
I gave you faith and promises. Now, I take them back. I want to have
faith in MYSELF. I want promise in my son. Corn is not better off the
cob and i WILL not scrape the kernels off my flesh to ensure they don't
get stuck in the dentures of this thing you call, your unconditional
LOVE. this bunch of LIES.
No, I won't compromise this newfound belief system - and why? Because I
gave you the chance to really put to the test this PROMISE of
acceptance. Of really buying into this whole bag of forgiveness. What
a CROCK. There is not a forgiven one among you who are so unforgiving!
So righteous and full of the WORD.
Was it not Jesus Christ himself who laid among the sinners and took time
to stop to heal a man's eyes when off to do an *important* task. And
now...you use that phrase.."i once was blind but now i see..." answer
me..*what* exactly DO you see...besides your name in the church social
calander? Oh i believe in Jesus, i *know* he existed. But this cannot
be what he taught. This cannot be what i shed blood and tears for. The
word is wrong. And I am still not being struck down by a bolt. Yet.
I want my mind to expand. I want my soul, (if i even have a soul) to be
free and I want to be happy. I want to learn new things every single day
and I want to relish and marvel at things I cannot grasp. I want to be
allowed to express that part of me that exists, but has lain dormant all
these years. I want to FORGIVE. I don't want to hate anyone anymore.
I don't want to need unless the need is tangible. I don't want to focus
on things that can't hold me or grow into beautiful blooms or conjure
up the very bile from a *holy man's* stomach. I can give every bit as
good as I get.
I want to lend and borrow. I want to run and crawl. I want to spend
and save and STILL I want to be allowed to be foolish and not
necessarily be praised for being cautious...or brave....or fucking
brilliant, (if i am brilliant.)
The thorn in my side has been removed. It's gone and what is left is an
aching wound. But those wounds do heal. Sans scars, that are
necessary things I don't have to ever walk into that place again.
My throat is dry and my knees are weak. I am trembling and yet feel
stronger than ever before. Here i sit watching daylight come....and the
fog still rises.
Anyway.....don't get me started on date rape....you'll *really* be sorry
then....
jewyl
.no signature file *yet*
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
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From: Eschaton1@webtv.net (X M)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Subject: Re: It happened at XX day..lost religion
Date: Fri, 16 Jul 1999 14:57:42 -0400 (EDT)
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Jewyl,
you are neither the first, nor the only. I had a similar experience in
Israel a few years ago, and the irony of losing my faith in what some
call "the holy land" has never escaped me. I enjoyed your post greatly.
Rev. Carter LeBlanc
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From: decadence@subgenius.com (Sister Decadence)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Subject: Re: It happened at XX day..lost religion
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On Fri, 16 Jul 1999 14:57:42 -0400 (EDT), Eschaton1@webtv.net (X M)
wrote:
>Jewyl,
>
>you are neither the first, nor the only. I had a similar experience in
>Israel a few years ago, and the irony of losing my faith in what some
>call "the holy land" has never escaped me. I enjoyed your post greatly.
I never had faith in anything so I couldn't lose it.
Hey Carter, nice to see ya here!
XXX-Day: Get fucked or get off!
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From: modemac@modemac.com (Modemac)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Subject: Re: It happened at XX day..lost religion
Date: 16 Jul 1999 12:00:49 GMT
Organization: First Online Church of "Bob"
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Your eyes have been in opened in the manner that many of us have
experienced - when we suddenly realized that yes, Virginia, there IS a
Conspiracy, and They want us to think that we're depressed and suffering
because we're SUPPOSED to be. I was not only a Christian, but a Roman
Catholic -- confirmed and everything -- before the church drove me away
with its idiotic political anti-abortion crap...and shortly thereafter, a
wise college professor opened my eyes. And shortly after THAT, I found
"Bob."
(The "anti-abortion crap" drove me away not because I approve abortion -
though I do - but because it's so damn political. If religion is supposed
to be about comfort and salvation, why does it spend so much time
preaching political garbage?)
Your next step is to send $30 to:
The Church of the SubGenius
P.O. Box 140306
Dallas, TX 75214
...but then again, since Ordainment was a requirement for registering at
XX-Day, maybe you've ALREADY paid for your membership!
--
First Online Church of "Bob"
http://www.modemac.com/
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From: onan@subgenius.com (Onan Canobite)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Subject: Re: It happened at XX day..lost religion
Date: 16 Jul 1999 01:44:31 GMT
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Jewyl <ali64@ix.netcom.com>:
>..Or maybe the title should have been.."Losing my Mind.."
Congrats! Among your next steps (if you haven't already) are getting
that $30 'booster shot' from SubGenius, Box 140306, Dallas TX 75214 and
visiting...
http://www.box2321.com/heresy.html
... where you will find the ammunition you need as your Xtian friends
try to win you back.
SALUTE!
- O.
--
Rev. Dr. Onan Canobite <onan@subgenius.com> http://www.subgenius.com/
Call Onan's Voice Mail Toll-Free 1-877-324-6289 (member 503-900-122)
Send $30 to The SubGenius Foundation Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214 USA
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From: Jewyl <ali64@ix.netcom.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Subject: Re: It happened at XX day..lost religion
Date: Thu, 15 Jul 1999 20:30:18 GMT
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> Here is what I got: (in no particular order)
>
> * A new best friend..(Popess Lil)
> * A few new saviours.(unnamed..*laugh*)..
> * LAID
> * In a related vein to the very above item; over my allergy to
cats...in
> a very good good, yummmy way.
Wait..wait..i also got a santa claus pez dispenser....some pills from
Bob's head....and...
what's that other thing er......
slack?
Yes Virgina, there is slack.
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