for people attending or performing in the LA version of Hollywood Squares, here are some of the questions/. I encourage anyone to help write a few, it's not easy for Hal to come up wiht this shit alone. but he is good at it! more soon... chick
(1.) TRUE OR FALSE - According to Fundamentalist Christians, you can avoid going to Hell and broiling, sizzling and popping in the Lake of Fire for all eternity if you do deeds of good, not evil in this life.
ANSWER: FALSE! Baptists and hard-core right-wing fundamentalists believe that even if you live an absolutely saintly life, never fornicating or blaspheming while washing lepers' feet and helping old ladies cross the street, you'll STILL end up on the wrong end of Satan's pitchfork if you haven't "taken Jesus into your heart," which involves a ceremonial kow-towing to the Boss on the Cross. NO exceptions!
(2.) TRUE OR FALSE - To be a SubGenius, the most important thing is to worship J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, to "be like 'Bob'" and spread His SubGenius message.
ANSWER: FALSE! NO ONE can or could be like "Bob," and to attempt to do so would inevitably cause the worst kind of personal disaster for anyone who tried it EXCEPT "Bob." The most important thing to do to to be a SubGenius is to SEND THIRTY DOLLARS AT ONCE to the Sacred P.O. Box in Dallas, Texas.
(3.) What is Pyroflatulation?
ANSWER: The Sacred Act of Igniting one's Personal Crepitations, or, in secular terms, lighting farts, as in the Book of Judges, Chapter I, verse 14, "And it came to pass, when (Achshah, the daughter of Caleb) came to him, she lighted from off her ass."
(4.) TRUE OR FALSE - Original Sin descends from Adam and Eve, who disobeyed Jehovah by having sex in the Garden of Eden after eating the Forbidden Fruit.
ANSWER: FALSE! Original Sin wasn't having sex, which God commanded Adam and Eve to do in Genesis I,28. The sin was disobeying God by eating the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. He told them not to, but they did it anyway. THEN they had sex, not for the first time, but the first time they enjoyed KINKY sex.
(5.) TRUE OR FALSE - In Eden, the Serpent lied to Adam and Eve, to tempt them from the path of righteousness.
ANSWER: FALSE! God told them they would surely die on the day they ate the fruit. The Serpent told them they would NOT die, but become like God, who admitted this in Genesis, I,22. Despite what Yaweh said, instead of dying that day, Adam lived to be 930 YEARS OLD! The SNAKE didn't lie-- GOD lied!
(6.) TRUE OR FALSE - Those not of Semitic descent, non-Jews in other words, cannot share in Original Sin and therefore do not need to be redeemed by the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross.
ANSWER: TRUE. Since the Bible is the story of Adam and Eve and their descendants and their special relationship with Yaweh, it follows that this is NOT the story of the REST of us. We might be of the "Other People" mentioned in the Bible, Cain's wife's family, or Seth's, or some other. Not being born into sin, we have no need of salvation, and neither Heaven or Hell is our destination in the afterlife. The CHRISTIAN Heaven and Hell, at any rate.
(7.) Who is the Eighth Avatar of Vishnu?
ANSWER: KRISHNA, of course, you idiot! Haven't you ever been approached by a Hare Krishna member in an airport?
(8.) A SubGenius must have this above all other things. What is it?
ANSWER: SLACK! Before the "Slacker" concept ever came into existence, SubGeniuses have been seeking this wonderful condition. You all were born with Original Slack. But the Conspiracy-- the thing that forces you to WORK for a living-- wants to STEAL your Slack and sell you, in its place, THEIR version of Slack-- FALSE Slack. Read The Book Of The SubGenius-- it's only been around for twenty years, people.
(9.) Primitive gods demand sacrificial victims. But what about Jehovah, the Christian god? Does He like the taste and the smell of blood?
ANSWER - You bet he does! Remember how Cain's vegetarian sacrifice was rejected, while Abel's bloody offering was accepted in the Book of Genesis? Disturbingly, the word Holocaust means just that, a blood sacrifice.
(10.) Who will be lifted, during the prophesied Event known as the Rupture, aboard the Pleasure Saucers of the Sex Goddesses?
ANSWER: Only dues-paying SubGeniuses. Ask about how YOU can get YOUR ticket, even more exclusive than a Burning Man ticket.
-The rest tomorrow-
Original file name: SF Devival questions
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