--Professor C.A. Baboon, D.F.S.-
--Adjunct Professor of Anarchaeology and Meta-Primatology-
--Miskatonic University--
I was listening to Coast to Coast AM (formerly hosted by Art Bell) the other night. The guest was Matthew Alper, author of "The God Part of the Brain" (Rouge Press, 3rd Edition, 1998). The basic premise of this book is that the whole reason that humans have religion is because there is a portion of our brain (located near both the pre-frontal lobe and the temporal cortex) that is 'programmed' to have religious experiences. I was intrigued to say the least.
Immediately, I ran to my lab at good ole' Miskatonic U. and began vivisecting a fresh human specimen. Lo and behold! This 'God' part of the brain was, in fact, the portion of the brain installed by Yeti scientists. They would use this portion of the brain by 'programming' appropriately for whatever task the Yeti masters saw fit for their proto-human bio-automatons to perform. Their job would, in effect, become their God.
The primary interest of my research, however, is the biological differences between mere-humes and the True SubGenius race. Generally, these differences are primarily in the more so-called "primitive" parts of the brain. These differences are also extremely subtle. A Pink scientist could study a human forever and never find any difference. Only the highly trained Slack sense of a True, Saved, Dues Paying, SubGenius Meta-Primatologist could ever hope to find these sub-quantum differences. I located a 'volunteer' rouge SubGenius and began my search. What would I find in his brain?
On the level of gross anatomy, no differences could be seen between the pink God-part of the brain and the SubGenius "Bob"-part (as I have come to call it). However, upon closer inspection via Nental Spectroscope and Scanning/Tunneling Bobyon Probe, I discovered that the "Bob"-part was SELF-PROGRAMMING! The "Bob"-part of the brain can dynamically designate an appropriate object of worship for the situation at hand and construct a full sub-theology (complete with miracles, visions, etc.)
Let us not forget the physical location of the "Bob" part of the brain. It is located at almost the exact point of the third nostril. It was also this part of the brain that "Bob" himself electrocuted to begin the Divine Emaculation. It is also this part of the brain that one of Oswald's normal lead slugs passed through in JFKs head. The psychic energies released in that impact transformed it into one of the Conspiracy's deadliest weapons - The dreaded Magic Bullet. This Bullet floats in orbit above our heads, ready to fly through the internal organs of anyone deemed to dangerous to live by the Con.
What shall we then do with this knowledge? I plan to construct a MWOWM OS/999 compliant cybernetic transceiver that will interface directly with the "Bob"-part of the brain. This will allow our Short Duration Personal Saviors to instantly materialize whenever we need them and instantly dematerialize when we don't. These externalized SHORTDURPERSAVs would have all the powers that our SubConscious mind would bestow upon them. We would have our own legion of Gods and Monsters to do battle with the Conspiracy and even the Elder Gods themselves. The delivery vector for the implant will be via nano-machines in a nutrient suspension (Kool-Aid).
I've filed all the appropriate forms with Miskatonic U. I am currently awaiting the Dean's ("Bob"s) approval and the shipment of fresh test subjects from Dobbstown.
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Programming: The art of debugging a blank sheet of paper.
Original file name: The "Bob" Part of the Brain
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