The Church of the Subgenius, one of the premier "new-age"/"satire" cults
of the '80s, has gone one welfare again, sources report.
The Church's last job, doing HTML work at an undisclosed location, ended
after the Church was seen cutting up all its brand new work clothes it got
from a friend in New Jersey with sharp scissors. Combined with the
Church's erratic attendance record and reportedly "sloppy" approach to
HTML, there was no choice left but to fire it, its former employer
said. In a statement to the press, the Church's manager said "It is
obvious that the Church of the SubGenius is a very gifted worker, but its
erratic work record and constant disregard for decorum makes it impossible
for me to recommend it for emloyment at this time."
The Church of the Subgenius joins the ranks of many counterculture heroes
who have fallen upon hard times since Russia's communist insurgency grant
program faltered in 1989. For a while, the Church was known to be hand in
hand with the Shadow Government, but they were dropped from the SG's
roster after two years due to "failure to incite revolt". Times have been
hard of late, especially in the wake of their failed prediction of the end
of the world, and the inexplicable absence of cult suicides left in its
wake.
Speaking on condition of anonymity, a former cultist (now a member of the
Church of Scientology) commented: "That hurt a lot of people's faith in
the Church. A religion that can't inspire one lousy person to kill
themselves is hardly worth believing in." Ironically, a large number of
former Church operatives have killed themselves; however, no evidence has
linked these suicides to the Church in any way. Instead, autopsies ruled
that all of the deaths were a result of long-lasting personal and
emotional problems and that the Church may have actually prolonged the
lives of the deceased.
As for the Churhc, it continues to insist that good times are just around
the corner. "Did you know I got a phone call from Howard Stern the other
day?", it said in an interview. "I also have this great new idea for a
movie." Upon further questining, it admitted to having been drinking.
Original file name: Church on Welfare
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