Yes, it's true, Dr. K'taden Legume, the brightest new lightbulb on the SubGenius movie set, BLEW OUT.
Here's how it went down at the alt.slack watering hole in SubGeniustown.
From: pastorx@aol.com (Pastor X)
Subject: *** Legume dead in car crash !
Date: 27 Aug 1995 19:23:21 -0400
To all:
Dr. K'taden Legume passed away last night after being involved in an
accident on Interstate 95. He was on his motorcycle and was struck and
killled by a drunk driver. He was pronounced dead at the scene. He will be
missed by all. Any condolences or eulogies may be sent to me
(pastorx@aol.com) and I will pass them on.
Legume was a hell of a guy, he helped me through some of the roughest
times of my life when nobody else gave a shit. He was one badass
Subgenius minister
and the best friend I ever had. The world is a shittier place without him.
I hope you fuckers know what you lost, and if you didn't like him then you
can just go fuck yourselves, because he was a giant of a man, bigger than
life and twice as ugly.
I hope the bastard who killed him rots in the filthiest cell in the
filthiest prison on Earth, because if I ever meet him, I'm going to make
him wish he were that lucky.
I guess if I could say one last thing on the subject, it would be ,"Doc,
you stormed through life like it was your own personal Poland, and you
deserved to die like a warrior, not like just another mundane highway
statistic. I love you, brother. Goodbye."
Please do not call and bother his family in their time of mourning.
Please send all condolences via E-mail to me, and I will be glad to
forward them.
Goodbye.
"There was nothing left but some blood where the body fell, and there was
nothing that you could sell; just junk all across the horizon...a real
highwayman's farewell."---Bruce Springsteen
Doktor K'taden Legume 5/18/64 - 8/26/95 Rest in Peace
Pastor X
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: ljduchez@en.en.com (Lou Duchez)
Date: 28 Aug 1995 15:50:16 GMT.
I met him briefly at the Cleveland Devival. This was before his rants,
and he was socializing with friends of his. I wanted to get a photo of
him, but I'd seen him rant back in December and I didn't want a fist in the
face. A little intimidated, I asked him: "If I take your picture you
won't hurt me, will you?" He just gave a sly smile and posed for the camera.
Little moments like this give a bit of insight into the guy. The man
could definitely be hell on wheels, but not-so-deep-down he was just a
decent, fun-loving sort. One of the good guys, there can be no doubt.
Legume, I'd tell you to rest in peace, but you're better than that. I
like to think you're in an eternal party right now, still amazing
everyone around you. If anyone can keep the party going forever, it's you.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: saint@prairienet.org (Andrew Matthews
You should have gone to Rev. G. Grrrinder's after-devival party.
Dr. Legume let down what little hair he had and really let it all
hang loose...
"Bob"'s good to me..." - Dr. Legume in what could be the most ironic
statement of the SubGenius Foundation for 1995.
$T.&REUX, KSC
OGYR NETWORK ONLINE
"For the SubGenius, you have all the time in the world..."
- Dr. K'Taden Legume 8/5/95, Cleveland Devival
--
$aint @ndrew, KSC. Ogyr Network. An official SubGenius Mutant-Of-The-Cloth.
snail-mail: Send $2 cash to OGYR NETWORK | PO BOX 53 | PLAINFIELD, IL. 60544
email: saint@firefly.prairienet.org or saint_andrew@anl.gov
www: OGYR NETWORK ONLINE: http://www.prairienet.org/~saint/homepage.html
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: ac118@lafn.org (Matthew Carey)
What? I sincerely hope that this is a joke.
--
Rev. Matthew A. Carey vision temple }{ tarzana california
18653 Ventura Blvd., Suite #379 "WE ARE NOT AN OCCULT"
Tarzana, CA 91356 send a SASE or email for FREE details
MWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMW
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: pastorx@aol.com (Pastor X)
Date: 28 Aug 1995 19:26:01 -0400
I've been informed by Dr.Legume's family that SubGeniuses have been
ringing their phone off the hook, asking if his death is some kind of
joke. WILL YOU FUCKING VULTURES JUST CUT IT THE FUCK OUT? Leave them be,
they have enough to deal with, without you assholes hassling them. You
aren't invited to his funeral...there will not be one. He will be
cremated on August 30th and no, his ashes aren't for sale. So just drop
it, okay? I'm handling all his arrangement, as per his will. So if you
have a problem, you talk to me. I have known Legume for over twenty years,
he was my best friend, and I am going to do eveything exactly as Legume
outlined to me. So get over it, he's dead, he's not coming back, and all
of your good intentions are starting to annoy those of us who knew Legume
the man, and not Legume the "two-bit stand-up comic'. He was better than
all of you put together, and still is. You weren't the one who had to
identify his mangled corpse, so just cut us some slack. If I could trade
places with him, I would. How many of you can say the same?
REST IN PEACE, MY FRIEND
I can see you in Valhalla now, your shotgun gleaming in the noonday sun.
Wait for me, brother for someday I will come. Then we'll give these
assholes HELL.
Pastor X
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: i.stang@metronet.com (Rev. Ivan Stang)
Subject: DR. LEGUME
Date: 29 Aug 1995 07:02:59 GMT
I just found out, he really is dead, and it hasn't sunk in. All I can
think so far is GOD DAMN IT, GOD DAMN IT, GOD DAMN IT. Immediate, selfish
thoughts like, "Shit, I was gonna tell him I was planning to ask GWAR if
they wanted to have HIM open the shows instead of me for the bulk of the
tour, and now I CAN'T." Then less immediate selfish thoughts, like, "THE
BEST FUCKING PREACHER WE'VE HAD in YEARS!! Who's gonna REALLY blow their
minds at devivals NOW??" and "What other preacher is big and scary-looking
enough, and ACTUALLY TOUGH ENOUGH, to not only PREACH but also function as
SECURITY??" And then slightly less selfish thoughts like, "Couldn't it
have been one of the BAD, WANNA-BE SubGenius preachers?" Then stuff like,
"He was only 28, I'm 42, he's indestructible, I've already HAD at least
THREE lives, how can DR. LEGUME be DEAD while I'M still alive?"
And then you think about the practical stuff. Gotta get the word out.
Gotta call people, get the facts, fix the rumors. Gotta get a fund started
to help his family, who are apparently poor as churchmice in a state where
even cremation costs thousands of dollars. Write memorial stuff. Set up a
proper memorial service/party in Philly. Edit the all-Legume Hour of
Slack. Relatively EASY things .
But I know it'll really start to sink in tomorrow. And it'll keep sinking
in. The "it just ain't fair" feeling and the "he is ACTUALLY GONE" feeling
are gonna be a SERIOUS BUMMER for those of us who knew him as time passes.
Almost every devival I've done in the past three years was with him.
Legume practically MADE the last two big shows, Atlanta and Cleveland; and
I'll be editing the tapes of those shows for radio, and the videos (if I
can round up the other camera tapes) for sale, seeing my pal rant his
fucking head off, with more feeling than anybody since Pope Meyer, and
thinking about all the good turns he's done me, and wacky shit like the
time he ACTUALLY FUCKED the NECK-STUMP of the Bleeding Head onstage, and
the amazing impromptu mind-rapery he was capable of, his incredible NERVE
when it came to faking out ACTUAL TELEVANGELISTS whenever they were in his
area (he had Peter Popoff ready to start preaching against the evil
SubGenius cult!), that intimidating figure he cut in his vestments (which
he wore half the time OFF stage), scaring normals right and left, and what
a GOD DAMN SWEET GUY he was. And that's the worst part of it. Legume would
probably hate me for saying this, but he was one of the most honest,
caring, MORAL, JUST, GIVING people I ever met in my life, not that ANY
NORMAL ON THE PLANET would ever be able to underatnd it. Oh, sure, we'll
all meet him again on X-Day, but... of all the people to get prematurely
Ruptured, WHY HIM??? How is it that RUSH FUCKING LIMBAUGH is fat and
happy, while Dr. Legume is... well, if anybody had a free pass to
SubGenius Helle it was him, granted, but WE DON'T GET TO HEAR HIM RANT
ANYMORE!!! Like Bill Hicks, oh yeah he'll be immortalized on CD and
cassette tape... two or three whole shows' worth, whoop te do. Sure, Hicks
and Lenny Bruce and Hendrix and all those folks get to watch him do his
NEW routines, but WE the LIVING have been CHEATED BIG TIME. Because of a
FUCKING DRUNK. (A drunk whose name and address I'll certainly try to
learn, but the less said about that in a public forum the better.)
Because, indeed, of the Conspiracy. If the Con hadn't made alcohol the
glamorous, cheap, universally available narcotic that it is, if they even
managed to legalize POT, for gods sake, that drunk either wouldn't have
been AS drunk, or he would've been a lot MORE fucked up and would have
killed somebody else, earlier in the evening. As I understand it, Legume
was on his motorcycle (cheaper than a car; Legume was a working stiff
supporting his sister and brother) on the highway Saturday night, and a
drunk creamed him. That's about all I know yet, although I haven't checked
email.
I was out of town, slacking off all weekend, didn't get back until Sunday
evening, which I had to spend working "offline". Early this morning there
was a message on my answer machine, left late last night by Pastor Craig,
who had seen something about this on alt.slack and was HOPING it was a
hoax. I sort of figured it was, that Dr. Legume himself had written the
post. I had to leave immediately for JURY DUTY, though. I got picked for a
murder trial and they did jury selection all day long, until 7:30 this
evening. Luckily, the lawyers didn't want me on the jury. I got home about
8:00, found 13 messages on my answer machine, and thought, "Uh-oh." Sure
enough, 4 of the calls were from Father Joe Mama, who lives in Harrisburg
and knew Legume fairly well. He had gotten wind of the "rumor" from
st.@ndrew and had called Legume's sister, who confirmed the bad news. I
made some more calls unsuccessfully trying to track down Legume's
girlfriend... hopefully Rev. Grinder has her phone number, but if anybody
else knows her, please tell me by email or phone. We need to do some
things, things which we can reasonably presume Dr. Legume would want us to
do.
#1: Not to mope around and be all sombre, but to GET FUCKED UP IN HIS
HONOR, PARTY OUR ASSES OFF, and invent REALLY SICK JOKES about the whole
thing. To this end, I think we who knew him need to schedule a memorial
gut-blowout in Philadelphia somehow. It doesn't need to be immediately,
but within a couple of months. He'll be long cremated by then, but I'm
sure his meat shell was the least of Dr. Legume's concerns, despite the
imposing nature of that meat shell. Which brings me to the most immediate
concern:
#2: SEND MONEY TO LEGUME'S SISTER, JOSEPHINE NAROUSKI. That is another
thing Dr. Legume would want his friends to do. Legume never talked about
his family much, and nobody pried, but Joe Mama has spent the night at the
Legume house and can vouch that it's a financially strapped situation.
Legume was apparently the main breadwinner for his sister and a very
handicapped brother. In Pennsylvania, even a pauper's funeral costs a
fortune. Even if you're being cremated, they have to embalm you first, put
you in an expensive coffin, and THEN cremate you.
I need to give it a few days and then discuss this with Josephine, I
guess... but AS FAR AS I KNOW, you COULD send checks or preferably money
orders to:
NAROUSKI
#2 Seventh St.
Brookhaven, PA 19015
#3. Not for discussion in a public forum. If we learn that the drunk
perpetrator has already made a Christopher Reeve of himself, it's probably
a moot point.
I have been taking it easy and have been slow to answer mail and whatnot
lately, but if you can help with Legumian follow-up in a practical way,
I'll get back to you quick.
Dr. Legume was so ...
((a whole bunch of stuff deleted because it was a pathetic attempt to
express the inexpressible and explain the unexplainable))
Let me put it this way. It hasn't even sunk in and I haven't even BEGUN to
get maudlin about it. It's like a science fiction novel. It just CAN'T be
real. The idea of Dr. Legume being GONE is just too outrageous. He was the
PERFECT SubGenius, when you get right down to it. Even his imperfection
was perfect, to the extent that all future "Last Supper" type
illustrations of "Bob" should include Dr. Legume at his right hand. Well,
maybe I am getting maudlin. But FUCK IT. I kinda wish I could be this
maudlin BEFORE somebody died.
Most of you never got to see Legume rant. Even the Hour of Slack listeners
have only heard bad recordings, heavily edited because he cussed so much,
of his early sermons. (We hope to change this with future CD projects, if
we ever get any up-front cash accumulated.) Very few of you got to be his
friend. He was my friend and I am one lucky son of a bitch because of it.
If we started a thread here called "TALES OF DR. LEGUME," and everyone who
had one contributed, you might get the slightest inkling. Legume didn't
even hear of the Church until about 3 years ago, and in that time he
managed to leap-frog over hundreds of others to become, very truly, one of
the Original Thirsteen Apostles. And I'm not saying that just because he's
dead. There were NO PLANS for future SubGenius projects that didn't
involve him. The fucker could rant, he could write, he could collage, and
all that... but his talents are sidebars to his PERSONALITY. He was truly
one of a kind, an archetype. He was getting to be a natural legend while
he was alive, and the whole Church was cashing in on him indirectly. I
have not the slightest doubt that he would LOVE to see us blow that legend
up even bigger and cash in on his Legumeness even more. He set a standard
in the Church of the SubGenius that only he could live up to, but he did
it in such a way that it made the rest of us want to TRY. I've been a
SubGenius preacher for so long that sometimes it almost seems like just a
"job." Legume preached because he BELIEVED... not in the stupid way, not
in the psycho-Bobbie way, but in the deepest way. He understood what the
Church of the SubGenius is REALLY FOR, what it's REALLY ABOUT, better than
almost anybody, but he was also able to EXPRESS that in a way that nobody
else ever thought of, but which nobody with half a brain could forget.
Legume preached at less than two dozen devivals, but I don't think anybody
who was there would argue that his were the most memorable moments at
those devivals. People who had no prior experience with the Church, who
didn't know Stang from Hypercleats from "Bob," came away from those shows
with the image indelibly engraved into their brains of that tall,
musclebound, yet baby-faced guy, raging and fuming against the Con, at
first tentatively, then bellowing, then BRILLIANTLY, TRUTHFULLY,
unleashing CONCEPTS that had never OCCURRED to anybody before, using
razor-sharp SICK GAGS that were sick as ten Nenslo-Vreedeez mutations
because of his increasingly IMPECCABLE delivery and the fact that he was
doing it right there in front of you, actually CREATING THE RANT right off
the top of his head BEFORE YOUR VERY EYES, because he didn't have to worry
about writing it all down to make it work; he had so much passion that the
passion itself made it work.
Legume was REAL. That was his gift. Most of us have to fake it at least to
some extent. He made it seem effortless because he wasn't faking. Instead
he trained himself to do nothing more than speak the truth. You can't
imagine what a hard thing that is to do on stage, in front of hundreds of
staring primate eyes. Legume got to where he could do it because he had
that much passion, that much belief that somewhere down the line, even if
he never got paid more than $80 for preaching, it would all be WORTH it.
He had that much faith. Faith? Shit. Legume actually had no faith. He
didn't believe in a god damned thing. He could REALLY cut through the
bullshit. That takes FAR MORE than "faith."
Legume had SLACK.
He didn't have MONEY; survival was as constant a struggle as it can be for
any working class American. He didn't have SUPER LUCK. But you can tell
that he had REAL SLACK... because he was able to spread so damn much of it
around.
Not only that, but he had so much Yeti blood in him, and was such a
physical freak, that he could lay on the floor, and heavy people could
stand on his belly, and he could bounce them up and down as if on a
trampoline by sheer force of his mighty gut muscles.
He was one of those guys who was shunned by the Pinks his whole life, but
(BEFORE discovering the Church) was able to aply SubGenius philosophy in
such a way as to UTTERLY AND IRREFUTABLY TRIUMPH over all things normal.
As a child he was weak and sickly; the Conspiracy experimented on him with
steroids and it backfired: it made him the hardiest of anti-Conspiracy
giants. The military tried to turn him into a tool, and ended up deciding
he was too crazy to be a soldier. THE DUMBASSES. He was the ULTIMATE
soldier. It's just that he was the ultimate soldier in OUR army, not
THEIRS. In high school, girls didn't think he was CUTESY enough, but once
he started preaching, he enjoyed the finest POON-LOOT a SubGenius
ultra-heterosexual man can enjoy, because he had learned its WORTH.
For these reasons, while we can't help but mourn for Dr. Legume, grief is
overshadowed by inspiration. He showed us just how far one can rocket from
the bottom to the top, how quickly, if one but groks SLACK. So -- do we
weep and moan and impotently curse fate? No, we "pull a Legume" -- we say
FUCK 'EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE, and show 'em we MEAN it. Believe me,
NONE of us are going to be able to do what he did. And if we did, he'd be
disgusted at us for being copycats. But if we can do whatever we do as
well as he did what he did... well, if we ALL could, the Conspiracy would
evaporate in a matter of days.
So get to it, ya wimps. Don't do it for Legume. Do it for YOURSELF. If you
want to do something "for Legume," send his sister some money, and then
Slack Off as if tomorrow was the end of the world.
Rev. Ivan Stang
********
P.S. I just got a copy of the line recordings from the Atlanta Dragon Con
devival, and just listened to a few seconds of it, and they sound PRETTY
good. The music effects are mixed kinda high and occasionally obliterate
Legume's preaching, but in general it's a DOBBSEND of a tape.
Why do we always think of this kind of shit after somebody's dead?---if
anybody out there has the wherewithal, and will swear on Jane Dobbs to
actually DO it, I'll send you a tape of a Legume rant and you can
TRANSCRIBE IT to the written word on disk for display here and on the
SubSITE. This sounds so dumb after the fact... I mean, the same thing
could be done with any LIVING SubGenius preachers. I guess a resource
doesn't become PRECIOUS until there's NO MORE OF IT. But seriously. Legume
wrote some cool shit, but most of what he did exists only as spoken word
recordings. It'd be a shame if we didn't put those words on disk for later
incorporation into bigger Church projects. Legume had no computer and
paper copy is scarce. If three or four of you volunteer to do the typing,
I have at least that many Legume rant tapes I could send out for
transcription. And no two Legume rants are anywhere near the same. I enjoy
transcribing other SubGenii's rants myself. You'd be AMAZED how much of
the doctrinal texts originated as spoken word on tape. But I'm a SLOW
typist. That's why Revelation X took 3 years, even with Will O'Dobbs doing
some of the retyping chores. Lemme know by email if you're serious. I'll
warn you, though... unless you're a trained stenographer, copying taped
words to print takes about 4 days per cassette. (It doesn't matter what
kind of computer you're on. If you email it to me or send it as a straight
text-only email attachment, it'll work on my Mac.)
--
Copyright 1995 by Rev. Ivan Stang / 1st Orthodox Stangian
MegaFisTemple Lodge of People's Covenant Church of the
Wrath of Dobbs Yeti, Resurrected / The SubGenius Foundation,Inc.
PO Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214 / Fax 214-320-1561 / PRABOB
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: nenslo@teleport.com (NENSLO)
Subject: LEGUME KING IN SUBG HELL
Date: 28 Aug 1995 21:45:01 -0700
There's only ONE thing that EVER need be said about Dr. Legume to
let you ALL know how entirely SUPERIOR he IS to ALL OF YOU:
HE COULD TAKE A JOKE.
Dr. Legume is FUCKING the TORN OFF NECK STUMPS of ALL YOUR DEAD
GRANDMAS *AND* GRANDPAS in SUBGENIUS HELL
R*I*G*H*T N*O*W
and when you pasty-faced chinless eight-eyed question-mark-shaped
SNIVELING SPINELESS segments of DOG-TICK BOWEL get there he will do the
SAME for YOU.
What REALLY MAKES ME MAD is that it was HIM that died and NOT YOU.
It's not too late to change HALF OF THAT. It could be the ONLY
WORTHWHILE THING you ever did in your WHOLE VAPID LIFE.
You scum,
NENSLO
--
-Copyright NENSLO KDV 1995-
Send One Dollar to box 86582 Portland OR 97286
TOTAL RETROACTIVE UNIVERSAL EXTERMINATION
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: cuthulu@unicomp.net (cuthulu)
This is very sad, but there is a coincidence that must be told.
Today I agreed to do a web page for a lawyer who specializes in
motorcylce injury suits. I know what you are thinking here -- just
another god-fucking-damn ambulance chaser.
Au contraire, this lawyer is not only an avid bike rider (having
participated in many 'iron-butt' rallies), he is the fucking head of
the American Trial Lawyers Motorcycle Injury Litigation Group. These
people charge the lowest rates possible for suits of this nature; many
cases will be litigated free.
His name is Bill Allison, he rides a gold wing and is very
professsional in appearance, and he can be rached at 1-800-582-2086.
I would prefer this not to be construed as advertising, but as an
attempt to help the people left alive in the wake of a preventable
tragedy. I will not post again on this subject but i share the grief
of this serious ordeal.
sincerely,
-------------------------------------------------------
cuthulu
radar labs web server <http://www.rlabs.com/index.htm>
home page <http://www.rlabs.com/cuthulu/index.htm>
e-mail followups please mailto:cuthulu@prysm.com
--------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------------
From: i.stang@metronet.com (Rev. Ivan Stang)
Subject: Re: DR. LEGUME
Date: 30 Aug 1995 04:34:38 GMT
Part of me is STILL expecting Dr. Legume to suddenly call up and say, "You
fuckin' dumb-ass!! All I had to do was get my sister to fake it for a few
few phone calls and YOU IDIOTS actually BELIEVED that I could be KILLED BY
A PINK!"
I mean... it just can't be.
But apparently, it is. I have talked with Joe Mama again, and gotten email
from Pastor X, and I WISH IT WERE JUST ANOTHER STUPID SUBGENIUS DEATH
HOAX, but it isn't.
STOP PAYMENT on that check you sent us for a "Bob" shirt and write a new
one for whatever you can to:
NAROUSKI
and send it to
Narouski
#2 Seventh St.
Brookhaven, PA 19015
(Pastor X told me it was UPLAND, PA, and that is the name of the town, but
Legume told me that for some Conspiratorial reason, the Post Office
insists that you use Brookhaven instead of Upland for mail purposes
(!?!!))
By the time you read this, Dr. K'taden Legume will have been cremated.
Your money will go to helping his sister, with whom he was very close,
deal with the horrors of paying off the funereal costs and generally
coping. NOTE: his sister is NOT a "SubGenius" so don't be cutesy with her.
In fact I believe she's a Christian. She does not need to hear your
ravings about what a great SubGenius Legume was. The idea of SubGenii at
large helping her out was not her idea, but ours. Pastor X says it's a
good idea. Legume would think it's a good idea. JUST SEND THE MONEY, and
preferably as a money order. If you do it anonymously she won't have to
fret about sending you a thank you note or anything.
THIS IS NOT ANOTHER DOPEY HILARIOUS SUBGENIUS MONEY-GRUBBING GIMMICK. This
is a serious tragedy in our community of mutants. Even though Dr. Legume
never got a chance to abuse alt.slack, take my word for it, he was a BIG
part of the alt.slack and general SubGenius community, and I like to think
we take care of our own.
When the Foundation here had bad financial trouble, bad enough to talk
about, we asked for help and we got it. When I've had setbacks and needed
either moral support or to be left alone, I got that. When Nenslo couldn't
afford to pay his online bills, we helped him out. This is another of
those times.
ANOTHER THING:
Pastor X is going to start posting previously unpublished Legume
materials. He emailed me some of this as a preview, the Diaries of Dr.
Legume. It's GREAT stuff. I will reiterate my suggestion that you who knew
Legume contribute your anecdotes to a TALES OF LEGUME thread.
Unfortunately, a lot of the people with the best stories are probably not
on the Net. Those who are, WHIP IT OUT.
Our Church thrives on legends, and if we reconstruct Legume as bigger than
life, it's probably STILL going to come out as an understatement. He
actually WAS bigger than life.
***********
And it STILL won't sink in. Legume was almost literally the Superman of
SubGeniuses. That some UNKNOWING ASSHOLE was would suddenly, randomly
latch onto GREEN KRYPTONITE is just... well, it's so improbable that it's
still very hard for me to believe. Everyone who knew Legume is probably
reeling from the implications, because if ANY SUBGENIUS was the unkillable
survivor type, it was he. He was the one SubGenius that you tended to
think of as somehow invulnerable, and for HIM of ALL PEOPLE to be "called
home" is hard to accept. But there it is. Why is the REALITY of this
fucking weird Church EVERY BIT AS IRONIC as its ha-ha black-humor
doctrinal output??
-- Stang
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: sxb40@po.CWRU.Edu (Steven Bevilacqua)
Subject: Dr. Legume: A true SubGenius
Date: 29 Aug 1995 23:45:56 GMT
I just received the news about Dr. Legume, and I am, as is everyone who knew him, extremely upset. Although I only knew Legume for a short time, I had gotten to know him better over the last few months. This is not only a great loss to the Church and his friends but a loss to a society to which he had so much more to give. Following is a short story which I hope, if you knew him, will make you smile and remember, and if you had only seen him rant or just saw his name mentioned, will bring you closer to
him. I don't know how many times it can be said but if you drink and get in a car you are an asshole. If you wish to kill yourself, buy a gun, but don't take away our loved one's through your irresponsible stupidity.
My first contact with the SubGenius, besides an unfortunate run in with some over-zealous Bobbies, was at the StarWood festival. The nudity was great, but all the heavy lectures on Magick, Justifying Sex through Alternative-Religions, Getting Stoned: A Gateway to Publication and Fame, etc., were starting to wear on me. Just when I thought the seriousness of this event was going to permanently disable my atrophied left hemisphere, I heard a faint shout of "Praise "Bob"!" in the near distance. Wearily, I
headed to the pavilion. I knew it was a SubGenius gathering from the listing in the program, and being an open-minded individual I decided to see what these geeks and losers were all about. (Keep in mind my only knowledge of the church was from when I was accosted by "Bob" quoting no-lives that wouldn't understand true slack if it crawled into their water- cooled frop pipes.)
This was my first contact with Rev. Stang, and after a brilliant rant on the word of "Bob", which not only revived my left brain, but also twanged my pineal glad, and sent a dull throbbing to my medulla oblongata, (which, by the way, would forever alter and corrupt my existence), a new convert was introduced: Dr. Legume. Legume began witnessing, explaining how he came to find "Bob". He interlaced this with a fascinating true story about a young boy he new, and how after building a nuclear device in his
basement out of an erector set, discovered that he was a little different then the other 9 year old's at school. But the TRUTH was he was not just DIFFERENT he was BETTER for this boy was a SubGenius!
It was a great story, but there was something not right about this character Legume. First of all how could he be a SubGenius, this man was far from being a pencil necked geek. In fact he more resembled the side show strong man, with his huge arms and neatly trimmed beard. I was waiting for him to crack, start laughing, break character, but it never happened. Could he be for real, could he have actually been BELIEVING what he was saying. That day I caught a glimpse into what it meant to be a SubGeni
us, and all the prejudices of my previous experience were lifted. These were the enlightened ones, Stang and Legume were TRUE SubGenius, both extremely different, but both obviously "touched" individuals.
It wouldn't be for almost a year until I saw Legume again, when I decided to bring the whole circus to town. (Although now I realize it was more than a conscious decision). The finishing touches were being put on the stage when I stepped outside to get a drink. Hundreds of people were waiting to get into the auditorium for the Devivial, when a few frightened girls ran up to me.
"Steve, there's, there's, there's a priest in the elevator and he's got a baseball bat and... and..." , she sputtered
"Calm down, and tell me what happened", I said hugging the girl close for reassurance.
"He LOOKED at me!", she said "LOOKED" like he had done some sort of physical harm to her.
"and..."
"Well, then he pointed the bat at me and said "Do you believe in "Bob"?", and then the door open and I ran!"
"There, there" I said, sliding my hands to her waist for reassurance, "so he looked at you and he asked you a question?"
"But it was the way he did it."
"Hmmm." I was perplexed, it seemed strange, but nothing to be worried about, I slid my hands a little lower for reassurance. Suddenly, the girl ran off into the multitudes, she must have felt better by our talk. So out of curiosity I decided to check things out. I walked over to the elevator, the door slid open and out swaggered Dr. Legume. But this was quite a different Legume then the t-shirt and jeans Legume of StarWood. This Legume was dressed in priest's clothes complete with collar, he was wear
ing sunglasses, the mirrored cop variety, and in his hand an aluminum bat that would become his signature.
"Praise "Bob" ", I said hoping to get off on the right foot.
"Fuck "Bob"!, was his retort, in an odd, almost hillbilly drawl. I was stunned, but then he gave me this queer smirk letting me know everything was OK.
I feel that smirk summed up Legume's personality, he was large, and intimidating, but if you got to know him, you found out quickly he was a kind person. Now don't get me wrong, the bat was not just for looks and I'd hate to be on the wrong side of it. But Legume was an easy person to get along with, I doubt if he'd ever smashed anything besides clocks and cheese-whiz, he just didn't seem like a guy with many enemy's.
That night his rant was cut short, when we ran out of time. But during it I noticed a few things. First he was good, real good. He had unique style, and above all was simply hilarious. I also noticed for the second time he seemed "for real". In the music biz they call it "buying your own bullshit", but it went beyond even that, and I started to question if maybe it wasn't bullshit but that he believed it because it WAS for real.
The next night was personally a blur, a Devivial at Cavanaugh's in Akron, OH. Orchestrated by Rev. Grrrinder, the theme was "A Taste of X-Day". Well perhaps I took more then a taste, but before I had completely entered the 6th plain of existence, I managed to see the main preacher that night, Rev. Legume. Earlier he had called me over to the bar, I thanked him for coming to my show, and apologized for running out of time. He smiled and said it was OK, and that I should see something. He lifted up the
sleeve on his priests shirt and displayed his arm.
"Is that for real", I asked
"Yep"
Tattooed forever into his arm was the Killing Time logo, the wings and clock complete with dagger. Although a propaganda symbol for the Church, whenever I see it I still think of it as Legume's personal symbol. He took time control to an entirely different level. Adopting the watch smashing into something all his own. That night I would watch as two half naked women bound and gaged a Dobbs impersonator, and Legume ripped "Bob's" still beating heart out of his chest, threw it on the ground, and pummele
d him with the bat. I lost site of Dr. Legume for a moment in the throngs of crazed and shouting people, but he reemerged clenching a brain proudly in his grasp.
"The brain of "Bob"!", He shouted, a round of ewws and ahhs rippled through the croud. I remember standing on a chair wondering what could possibly happen next. With great reverence he placed the brain onto a table, raised the bat above his head and with both hands began pummeling the gushy organ. Again and again, aluminum and flesh becoming one. The brain slid from the table with a plop. Legume retrieved it and held it skyward.
"You can not kill the brain of "Bob"!", Legume was on a roll, "It is indestructible....But....you can...eat the brain of "Bob" With both hands firmly holding the brain Legume dug his face into the pink fleshy mass. This is were I began to lose hold of my own reality. The last thing I remembered was the good Dr. tossing pieces of brain around the room.
The best performance of Legume's, unfortunately, was also the last time I would see him. The show was at Peabody's in Cleveland. Legume had the audience in tears. Every performance was better then the last and this was no exception. Dr. Legume had become an excellent preacher. I've been told it all came off the top of his head, he jotted down a few points he wanted to make, and then took off. He was an amazing storyteller, and brilliant at connecting ideas, and always, always leading it back into th
e word of "Bob". I'm just glad we have the videos so people can continue to enjoy his rants.
I don't know what to say, this is a terrible loss. Legume was, and will always be the model of a TRUE SubGenius. He did it because it was fun, he enjoyed entertaining people. In fact it was hard to get him to stop once he took the stage. But most of all he was genuine, completely real. It took me a long time to realize that.
I was talking to him only a few days ago about some gigs I was setting up in which he was to play a major part, and I was telling him how great I thought his ranting was.
He explained to me why:
"You know why it's good don't you, because it's real. When I'm up there that's me, everything you see is what I am. It's genuine, it's not just some act. You know that, right?"
And he was real, the genuine article. It's something you rarely find in life. I don't know if I'll ever see it again, but I know my life and others were changed by this bat-wielding SubGenius. And even though I only knew him for a short time I will truly miss him, his sense of humor, and that sly grin.
Steve
--
Rev. Steve Bevilacqua, owner Flying Lemur Strange and Unusual
Books. Specializing in Erotica! Occult! Drug Culture! Anti-
Establishment! More! 13743 MAdison Ave. Cleveland OH.
Way Cool Web Site http://www.apk.net/lemur
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: gggor@io.com (gggor)
Subject: Re: LEGUME KING IN SUBG HELL
Date: 30 Aug 1995 01:45:47 GMT
In article <41u60d$mhj@linda.teleport.com>, nenslo@teleport.com (NENSLO) says:
>
>
> There's only ONE thing that EVER need be said about Dr. Legume to
>let you ALL know how entirely SUPERIOR he IS to ALL OF YOU:
>
> HE COULD TAKE A JOKE.
>
> Dr. Legume is FUCKING the TORN OFF NECK STUMPS of ALL YOUR DEAD
>GRANDMAS *AND* GRANDPAS in SUBGENIUS HELL
>
> R*I*G*H*T N*O*W
>
> and when you pasty-faced chinless eight-eyed question-mark-shaped
>SNIVELING SPINELESS segments of DOG-TICK BOWEL get there he will do the
>SAME for YOU.
>
> What REALLY MAKES ME MAD is that it was HIM that died and NOT YOU.
>
> It's not too late to change HALF OF THAT. It could be the ONLY
>WORTHWHILE THING you ever did in your WHOLE VAPID LIFE.
>
> You scum,
> NENSLO
I couldn't agree more, I met Dr. Legume at the Chicago Con and we
FUCKINGWELL PARTIED DOWN..
now he's done the fucking forty-frame fade to black...Just when new
blood and testosterone PROMISED TO PUT SOME BALLS
BACK IN THE CHURCH! I admired the man, I saw great potential
and it figures some fucking drunk got him...he went fast, went hard
and was a true DOKTOR...I will miss him and would gladly trade
most of the Internet subscribers to get him back...of course if
we got hold of his body and enough dupes and Bobbies to supply
sufficient life-force to re-animate him....But Nah! It would take
the nentessence of DOKTORS to bring him back all the way...
Ah well, the Fightin' Jesus and someone to cover his back when
metaphysical ass-kicking time rolls around...Saludos Amigo
we will miss you!
GG. Gordon
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: ac118@lafn.org (Matthew Carey)
Subject: Re: *** Legume dead in car crash !
In a previous article, ac118@lafn.org (Matthew Carey) says:
>What? I sincerely hope that this is a joke.
FUCK.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: nenslo@teleport.com (NENSLO)
Subject: Legume dead better than YOU alive
Listen, Legume used up more LIVING in FIVE MINUTES OF DREAMLESS
SLEEP than you hunks of copepod vomit ALL TOGETHER will use in your
entire lives. Even as an urn full of scorched calcium chunks he's
BIGGER, SMARTER, SEXIER, AND SCARIER than your most naive
comic-book-style wish fantasies of what you would RATHER be than the pale
puking worthless wretch you are.
Killing yourself won't bring Legume back, BUT IT WON'T HURT TO TRY.
Hatefully,
Nenslo
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: saint@prairienet.org (Andrew Matthews)
Subject: Re: Legume dead better than YOU alive
Dear Nenslo:
I love you.
Did I ever tell you that?
As far as killing myself, how about if you do it first, and then I,
as your mindless faithful fan, will follow in abject adoration and
in hopes of gaining your acceptance and approval.
Your friend in Nenslonian LUV,
$T.&REUX, KSC
OGYR NETWORK ONLINE
--
$aint @ndrew, KSC. Ogyr Network. An official SubGenius Mutant-Of-The-Cloth.
snail-mail: Send $2 cash to OGYR NETWORK | PO BOX 53 | PLAINFIELD, IL. 60544
email: saint@firefly.prairienet.org or saint_andrew@anl.gov
www: OGYR NETWORK ONLINE: http://www.prairienet.org/~saint/homepage.html
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: clavis@ix.netcom.com (the Grand Clavister )
Subject: Re: Legume dead better than YOU alive
Date: 31 Aug 1995 13:59:07 GMT
Ha! At least Legume doesn't have to live on the same planet with a pathetic,
self-deluded greasy worm-boy like YOU, Nensly. He's probably doing the Funky
Chicken in Valhalla right now, thinking about that.
As a matter of fact, he's probably doing the FC anyway. I think people 'round
here are showing their true colors (Pink and yeller) by going on about what a
loss it is for him to be dead. THE IRISH GOTS THE RIGHT IDEA! Let's throw Legume
a party, with drinking, Fropping, fucking and general carrying on! Let's show
the big sonofabitch what he meant to us when he was alive! Quit your blubberin'!
I go now to drink myself into a fierce state of celebration. TO LEGUME!!
the Grand Clavister of NYC (and points Beyond)
(SLONTHE!)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: nenslo@teleport.com (The "N" Word)
the Grand Clavister (clavis@ix.netcom.com) wrote:
: Ha! At least Legume doesn't have to live on the same planet with a pathetic,
: self-deluded greasy worm-boy like YOU, Nensly. He's probably doing the Funky
: Chicken in Valhalla right now, thinking about that.
After I went out of my way to send you that plastic key taped to
my Caesar's Club Card. That's gratitude for you. I just wish you had
come up with a better insult. Well, that's probably all I deserve,
HALF-ASSEDNESS.
: Let's show
: the big sonofabitch what he meant to us when he was alive!
Well hell, he only meant Jack Shit to about half a dozen of us
when he was alive, let's show him what he means to us now that he's dead;
an excuse for ME to tell YOU what a DickBrain you are.
That's reason enough for ANYONE to die. Why not YOU?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
CONTINUE into second part of this depressing thread
Original file name: Legume
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