Hey you crybabies, why don't you quit whining about Legume? You all talk
like he was "Bob" or something. He wasn't all that hot a preacher anyway,
but most of you are so namby-pamby that even a second-rate performing
artist like legume looks good to you. You all should stop sending your
money to his stupid family and go buy yourselves a fucking life. Even that
stupid Pastor Craig guy was more of an asset to the church than Legume.
I'd rather see more of Rev.Stang anyway. Now there's a preacher!!! He
knows not to cross the line.
--------------------------------------
From: Rev. Ivan Stang
Subject: ****Fuck LEGUME!
After giving it some thought, I've changed my mind. I'm GLAD Legume bought it. He was nothing but bad news, really. The world will probably be a MUCH better place without him. He was a basically evil man. His heart wasn't in Slack but in TORTURE. And he smelled bad. He probably smells better now than he did while alive. Did I mention his looks? He was ugly. His face was like an infant's, blasphemously stuck onto this freakish body. His rants were actually sort of long, rambling and dull. I almost fell asleep during the last one in Cleveland. At first I thought he had potential as some kind of idiot-savant but I learned too late that he was faking EVEN THAT. Thank god I didn't send any money to his sister... what I should do is send her one of those little plastic toy boxes that makes a LAUGHING sound when you jostle it. Honestly, Legume was an asshole. A bully. He was big and fat, so he could intimidate little skinny bespectacled nerds, and that's pretty much his claim to fame. I'm ashamed of myself for my knee-jerk "sad" reaction to his death. The more I think about it, the better I feel. I'll tell you, I think his ultimate plan was to fuck up the X-Day deal for "Bob." He thought he was gonna get some kind of big top hierarchy status, be a regular Pope-Doktor, and then when the critical moment came, when Dobbs was cutting that "line" of soul for the Xists, Legume would be close enough to the action to fuck up the whole deal. Yep -- AN AGENT OF THE CONSPIRACY. If he was a TRUE SubGenius, would he be DEAD?? Think about it.
This was meant to be. Anything that happens, happens because it was "within "Bob's" Slack" (to quote Victor Cantu). If Legume snuffed it on the highway, it's because for Legume to LIVE would have lessened Dobbs' Slack. GET IT??
This whole deal is FUCKED. I can't believe how we've blubbered over some asshole who was just a Slack Vampire to begin with. I for one have had enough of it. If there was still a body, I'd say, DIG IT UP and ABUSE it. But he's been rendered to the ashtray-like essence that he ACTUALLY was in life. GOOD RIDDANCE, I say. "SNORTING" his ashes would be a good idea, except that I happen to know he was carrying various diseases that would have killed him (and anyone who shared a fropstick with him) within a year.
FUCK LEGUME.
You think I'm KIDDING, that this is some kind of "silly bulldada statement in deliberate bad taste"?? I'm SERIOUS AS HELL. He was BAD SEED. The very thought of his nasty grey matter spread like jelly on I-95 gives me a REGULAR HARD-ON. I JACK OFF to the mental picture of his thick skull hitting the pavement hard enough for even IT to be skwushed like an eggshell. That's the fate of sinners. I hope he wasn't killed instantly. I hope he laid there on the asphalt under some seamy streetlight feeling PAIN and PANIC as it FINALLY SUNK IN that he had FUCKED UP, BIG TIME. I hope that in the last few seconds before his candle went out, that he got to see the anonymous drunk driver lurch over to him and SPIT on him. I hope he laid their thinking, "Oh God, this is WORSE than being crippled for life, I think I'm REALLY gonna DIE!!" I only wish that that drunk driver had had all Legume's girlfirnds there to FUCK right in front of his eyes as the light left his shattered brain. I would love to have seen the look on Legume's face while he gazed through an almost-disconnected eyeball at his own OTHER eyeball laying there in a pool of blood and the fore-part of his own brain. I hope he felt the last threads of life flitting irrevocably away and KNEW JUST WHAT IT MEANT.
OKAY????
Rev. Ivan Stang, nicest guy on Earth
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: i.stang@metronet.com (Rev. Ivan Stang)
Subject: Re: *** FUCK LEGUME! !
Date: 2 Sep 1995 07:23:33 GMT
I DID fuck Legume, JUST before the cremation. Talk about TIGHT! The
final spasms are the best.
--
Copyright 1995 by Rev. Ivan Stang
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: jch9334@is2.nyu.edu (Kid Ginsu)
Subject: Re: *** FUCK LEGUME! !
Date: 5 Sep 1995 16:01:35 GMT
Dr 4 Bob (dr4bob@aol.com) wrote:
: I'd rather see more of Rev.Stang anyway. Now there's a preacher!!! He
: knows not to cross the line.
Stang not cross the line? HAH! Dear Dr 4 Bob , would you mind putting
your tender, pink little hand flat on top of this stump of wood here?
I'm going to initiate you into the mysteries of the SubGenius.
Kid Ginsu (soon to change his name to Bob Dean)
Keep It Up.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: i.stang@metronet.com (Rev. Ivan Stang)
Subject: Re: Church in deep depression
In article <mtownsend-3108950759380001@ip20.portland.me.interramp.com>,
mtownsend@interramp.com (Michael Townsend) wrote:
> It's a lot worse than I thought. A LOT worse. Forget that devival tour
> now. Between Stang's health and Legume's death, it ain't gonna happen.
> Hell, I'm starting to doubt that Hour Of Slack #500 is ever gonna happen.
> At this rate, even X-Day itself may be called off on account of reality.
>
> But go ahead, keep rolling on with your shitting and puking and fucking.
> The Church doesn't mind. Really. Just don't you forget who brought you
> here in the first place.
>
Jesus. It's a good thing you aren't running this mess. One dead guy, a
case of butt cancer, and a missing radio show, and you CAVE IN. Grok it,
dude: if any SubGenius ever displays the slightest signs of ABJECT HORROR,
DEPRESSION and OVERWORK-INDUCED STRESS, it only means that "BOB" REQUIRED
THAT. If Legume buys the big one, it's 'cause DOBBS SAID SO. If The
SubGenius Foundation is shut down by the Attorney General of Texas, well,
that just indicates that DOBBS DIDN'T CARE. If ANYTHING BAD HAPPENS, it
was "WITHIN DOBBS' SLACK." DAD-- DON'T LOSE YOUR FAITH!!! We're all still
here to serve as your INSPIRATION!!
*hak hak* *cough cough* -- PUKE -- Stang
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: dmcclain@runet.edu (Dennis McClain-Furmanski)
Subject: Re: More on Legume; disclaimer
Jerry Garcia is dead.
K'taden Legume is dead.
Jerry Garcia is K'taden Legume.
QED
"Would you prefer white meat, or dark meat?"
I'll just have a Legume, thanks."
This is all a ruse, you know.
He's just getting into the role for Hypercleets Studios' production of
"That Thing Down By The Acid Pool, It Ain't Got No
FaceeeeyyyyyyyyAAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
There's a start.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Pastor X
Subject: Re: ***Fuck LEGUME ***
Isn't it a little to soon to be starting with the REALLY SICK JOKES, Stang. I mean, I wouldn't expect you to have this kind of attitude about Dr. Legumes death. Here he's not even a COOL vapor in the atmosphere yet, AND YOU'RE MOCKING HIM.
I know that Dr Legume spoke very highly of you. He thought you were a fine preacher, and back in those days I'm sure you thought you were. He told me about your struggle with recurring syphillis and those nightmares from your days at Diebenwald. He said you were the only Jew on Earth worth a puddle of runny shit, and he would tolerate no bad talk about you. You bad mouth his memory, but the life he lost on that cursed highway he would have gladly sacrificed to protect you. He always had a soft spot for the small and sickly. He told me about the Atlanta devival, how he carried you to your hotel room when your gnarled polio-ridden legs gave out after tem minutes of trying to preach. He showed me the video from the cleveland show, and I thought it was very brave of you to try (albeit pathetically) to preach after Dr legume had so enthralled the crowd. Yet you still badmouth his poor spirit. I thought you were a better man than that. I figured that losing as good a freind to the church that Legume was, you would be moping around humming that old Roy Acuff tune about the crash on the highway and the poor man nobody prayed for
.
PERSONALLY, Mr. Stang, I feel that IF you had a LITTLE shred of FAITH, it MIGHT, just MIGHT, BEcome TRUE ! ! !
Pastor X
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Rev. Ivan Stang
>Isn't it a little to soon to be starting with the REALLY SICK JOKES, Stang. I mean, I wouldn't expect you to have this kind of attitude about Dr. Legumes death. Here he's not even a COOL vapor in the atmosphere yet, AND YOU'RE MOCKING HIM.
Well, I had to make up for all those "nice" things I said about him when I was drunk. You know how you get when you're drunk. You'll cry over some DOG you had as a kid.
>I know that Dr Legume spoke very highly of you. He thought you were a fine preacher, and back in those days I'm sure you thought you were. He told me about your struggle with recurring syphillis and those nightmares from your days at Diebenwald.
It was HERPES.
>He said you were the only Jew on Earth worth a puddle of
rrunny shit, and he would tolerate no bad talk about you.
I'm certainly a better Jew than he ever was a Christian.
>You bad mouth his
>memory, but the life he lost on that cursed highway he would have gladly sacrificed to protect you.
OH YEAH RIGHT!!!
>He always had a soft spot for the small and
ssickly. He told me about the Atlanta devival, how he carried you to your hotel room when your gnarled polio-ridden legs gave out after tem minutes of trying to preach. He showed me the video from the cleveland show, and I thought it was very brave of you to try (albeit pathetically) to preach after Dr legume had so enthralled the crowd.
That's all true but FUCK HIM!! Anyway. Fuck him anyway. He was a bad man.
>Yet you still badmouth his poor
>spirit. I thought you were a better man than that. I figured that losing as good a freind to the church that Legume was, you would be moping around humming that old Roy Acuff tune about the crash on the highway and the poor man nobody prayed for
>.
>PERSONALLY, Mr. Stang, I feel that IF you had a LITTLE shred of FAITH, it MIGHT, just MIGHT, BEcome TRUE ! ! !
Whiskey and blood ran together
And mixed with the glass where they lay
I heard the wreck on the highway
But I didn't hear anyone pray.
Good man Stang
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: i.stang@metronet.com (Rev. Ivan Stang)
Subject: Re: Speaking of Stang...
Date: 5 Sep 1995 03:20:24 GMT
In article <429uc8$v08@alpha.delta.edu>, jpschmid@alpha.delta.edu (James
Paul Schmidt) wrote:
> ...where is he? I'll admit, I've been kinda scarce in the group lately,
> so I might have missed what's up, but I read somewhere that he's not in
> the best of health. So what's the scoop? Is Good Ol' Uncle Ivan
> picking up the first vibes of the saucer fleet, and having trouble
> digesting them? Someone help me out here...
>
I'm dead. Some drunk asshole in a truck creamed me while I was driving
home from that RAW devival on my scooter. I'll admit it slowed me down a
bit. But I'm going to the Con-Doc tomorrow.
There's been a lot of this going around, I hear...
--
Copyright 1995 by Rev. Ivan Stang
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: oldbeans@aol.com (Old Beans)
Subject: Dr. Legume dead from slipping off the toilet seat.
Dr. Legume was sitting on the toilet when all of a sudden he slipped
off. He fell out the window and dropped thirty stories down into a
manhole. He was found the next day in the sewer with a rat in his mouth.
He apparently suffered from rat poisoning.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: nickie@mars.superlink.net ( Rev. Nickie)
Subject: My Return
Yes, once again, I am back, this time sending from New Jersey. My time in
Dallas was well spent, but now I'm back in NJ looking for a job. I suspect
I'll be back in Texas soon enough, though.
Are you reading this, Will? I MISS YOU!!
I'm sorry to hear about Dr. Legume. I stayed up all night crying when I
heard he got killed. Really.
--
*you have been blessed by a communication from*
-----Rev. Nickie
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: i.stang@metronet.com (Rev. Ivan Stang)
Subject: Re: My Return
Date: 5 Sep 1995 03:16:58 GMT
In article <nickie-0309951801280001@ez1.superlink.net>,
nickie@mars.superlink.net ( Rev. Nickie) wrote:
> I'm sorry to hear about Dr. Legume. I stayed up all night crying when I
> heard he got killed. Really.
>
Really?
I was up all night masturbating to the very idea of his relentless evil
finally being brought to a halt. That's how relieved I was. Don't weep for
Legume. He asked for it. Well actually, he asked for too much money from
Church Headquarters. Seeing that he was "put to sleep" was a lot cheaper
than paying him off. Let that be a lesson to the rest of you ingrates.
Stang
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: nickie@mars.superlink.net ( Rev. Nickie)
Subject: Re: My Return
Date: 5 Sep 1995 04:50:06 GMT
Gee, I guess my SARCASM is a little hard to detect because I don't use
"smileys". Sheez.
But I knew this whole
"Legume-gets-killed-by-a-drunk-driver-out-of-the-blue" thing was a little
TOO cute. Yes, it's all beginning to fall into place....
--
*you have been blessed by a communication from*
-----Rev. Nickie
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: jch9334@is2.nyu.edu (Kid Ginsu)
Subject: Re: My Return
Date: 5 Sep 1995 16:05:38 GMT
I lit a candle and started smoking again, THEN stayed up all night
masturbating a sigh of relief while looking up into a clear night sky,
crying. Really.
Kid Ginsu
Keep It Up.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: jch9334@is2.nyu.edu (Kid Ginsu)
Subject: sometimes they come back.
Date: 5 Sep 1995 15:23:25 GMT
Friends, help me here. I'm overwhelmed by what's been billed as
Legume's orgasm off of this planet. Like you Kid Ginsu feels that Legume
is finally free of all of the bullshit and that he's left a beautiful
memory for us. I was lucky enough to be Legume's disciple for the last
year and, Praise "Bob", saw more of this beautiful man's soul in that
time, I don't know where to begin. I even regret that I did not name
this post after him.
Kid Ginsu
Keep It Up.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: pkitty@netcom.com (Pee Kitty)
Subject: Re: sometimes they come back.
Date: Wed, 6 Sep 1995 10:19:12 GMT
Personally, I'm pissed off. Legume's "accidental" death? Yeah. Right.
I can count the people on here who failed to see through that on one
finger. Stang knew it. All the wool-pulling in the world wouldn't help
him now, so he admitted it: "Sure, I had him killed. Let that be a lesson
to you all not to cross the Church." Bullshit! This was business, plain
and simple. Legume knew about it...hell, I wouldn't be surprised if he
volunteered! As long as he's getting a cut of the profits in the
afterlife, why not? It all comes down to money...the religion ain't shit
if you aren't making the green, and they knew it. How does it work?
1) Plenty of us haven't seen K'taden live. We never knew the man, and
haven't seen or heard his ranting. All we know is his brilliance as one
of Dobbs' darkest shining stars.
2) With Legume gone, suddenly demand for Legume-starring tapes shoots up!
Everyone wants to be part of a legend, and the biggest legends are the
dead ones!
3) So we send away for the tapes...Stang writes back, "Oh, sorry, but the
demand for those tapes is so high, we had to raise the price a bit.
They're $15 each now; $45 for video. You can just send me the difference
if you want." So you send him the difference...what's the alternative?
Asking for your money back? Sheeah...and look like an asshole who's too
CHEAP to pay to see the late grate K'taden Legume? No, you send him those
extra dollars, and he's laughing all the way to the bank.
Oh, I'm not stupid...I know that my days are numbered for revealing Stang
and Legume as the money-grubbing bastards that they are. I know there's a
car out there with my name on it. But I'm sharp, and I'm young...and I've
got a lot of followers surrounding me. A human shield, if you will. And
I've got one big question: Does "Bob" know about this?!? Eh? If not, then
you weasels had better HOPE that the Elder Gods get to you before I let
Dobbs in on your little "side project". Watch out...you don't know who
you're dealing with!
--
Rev. Pee Kitty, of the order Malkavian-Dobbsian
Meow!
* Are you abnormal? Then you are probably BETTER than most people! *
* ETERNAL SALVATION OR TRIPLE YOUR MONEY BACK! For info send $1 to *
* The Church of the SubGenius / P. O. Box 140306 / Dallas, TX 75214 *
* Or visit alt.slack (Usenet) or ftp.netcom.com/pub/pk/pkitty (FTP) *
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: dynasor@news.infi.net (Dennis McClain-Furmanski)
Subject: Re: sometimes they come back.
Date: 7 Sep 1995 03:15:25 GMT
You may already be a winner.
Legume will be implanted from time to time in suitable hosts.
If you wake up with a great deal more muscle mass than you had the night
before, look next to the bed for the Church Air tank.
Suitable hosts, being expendable, may well be chosen according to the
needs of the Church, by G^3's Security Roulette program. The names are
entered for reasons best left unsaid.
Never forget, the Clammies' security measures were developed from a full
tilt loony's twisted recollections of what "Bob" offered to let him in on.
They're worse than amateurs. They're convinced they're not.
Remember the inevitable growth sequence from "The Incredible Hulk."
That can happen to skin.
Being roughly the same size as Legume, I'm considering channeling some
small portion of presence via massive filters. Direct contact would have
-- interesting results.
* 2qwk! 1.26b3 * It's not the money I want, it's the stuff.
--
dynasor@infi.net The Doctor is on.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: dynasor@news.infi.net (Dennis McClain-Furmanski)
Subject: Re: sometimes they come back.
Date: 9 Sep 1995 16:46:46 GMT
On Thu. Sep 7, 1995, nickie@mars.superlink.net told All:
nsn> In article <42lo4d$1ig@allnews.infi.net>, dynasor@news.infi.net
> (Dennis McClain-Furmanski) wrote:
> If you wake up with a great deal more muscle mass than you had the night
> before, look next to the bed for the Church Air tank.
nsn> I found that! No, really! It hurts to step on it in bare feet,
> believe me.
Now you know why Stang didn't get on you guys for using up so much of the
Church Air.
He was letting you make room for Legume.
(He didn't make you and Will PAY for the videotape of the goings on at the
warehouse, did he? We all had to pay for it. But it was worth it.)
* 2qwk! 1.26b3 * You CAN trust the government...ask any Indian.
--
dynasor@infi.net The Doctor is on.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: lurch@mindspring.com (Mr. Lurch)
Subject: Re: Dr. Legume dead from slipping off the toilet seat.
In article <4334al$o43@newsbf02.news.aol.com> oldbeans@aol.com (Old Beans) writes:
> Dr. Legume was sitting on the toilet when all of a sudden he slipped
>off. He fell out the window and dropped thirty stories down into a
>manhole. He was found the next day in the sewer with a rat in his mouth.
>He apparently suffered from rat poisoning.
Sounds suspiciously like "sewercide" to me. I think he just got tired of
taking shit(s).
That's a mighty deep manhole you've got there.
Mr Lurch
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Open Letter to Stang RE:Legume (Rev Bevilacqua)
From: sxb40@po.CWRU.Edu (Steven Bevilacqua)
Date: 14 Sep 1995 04:36:20 GMT
t(An Open Letter To Ivan Stang
This was origanally a private letter to Ivan Stang, but I decided
it was something that all SubGenius' should read.
You Bastarard. I don't know and don't care what your explaination
is for writing what you did about Legume, there can be no excuse. Legume
busted his ass for you and the entire Church of the SubGenius. How could
you forget all that he did for us?
In a way I'm not surprized. We all knew you hid deep seeded jelousy.
I don't know how many times that you had said "Man, I don't see why HE gets
all the girls, I'M the star here" But I didn't realize how bad it was. Legume
was your friend, even his enemies had a few nice things to say about him.
Because Stang, even they have something you obviously don't, respect. And now
when it's all said and done, when he can no longer defend himself, you take the
opportunity for a few cheep shots.
Doug, you and I have been friends for a long time, but I don't see how
I can remain friends with someone like you. I mean who's next "Lies", Sterno
or maybe me. No thank you I don't need a friend that I can't trust. What
surprizes me most is that you of all people knew how hard his life had been.
Being raised by his crazy Jehova parents. Did you know when I called them
to ask about services they said there wouldn't be any because "It cost too much"
and "No one would show" BullShit! Legume had hundreds of friends and fans.
In fact a few of us in Cleveland and Akron were thinking about
putting together an offical memorial service for Dr. Legume, and now
I'm SURE we're going to do it. And you Stang are not invited, only his REAL
friends can come. When we need backstabbers I'll give you a call.
In fact it won't be just a memorial service... I'm going to
make it a full fledged SubGenius BLOW OUT! We already have the support
of bands and preachers accross the country. So you just stay at home and ponder
that.
Sincerly,
Rev Steve Bevilacqua
###
--
Flying Lemur Anti-Social Books: Sex, Bombs, the Occult!
Web site....http://www.apk.net/lemur
US Mail: PO Box 770222 Lakewood, OH 44107 (216)251-1654
Send SASE for FREE Catalog.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: nenslo@teleport.com (NENSLO)
Subject: Re: Open Letter to Stang RE:Legume (Rev Bevilacqua)
Date: 14 Sep 1995 19:50:32 -0700
Nenslo says:
Yeah, I say we throw that homo out of his own fucking church the
fucking jew faggot. Fuck him the fucking fucker. Stang, you see this?
You fucking SUCK man. You fuckihng weasely little geek. I'm gonna kick
your fucking ass for you you fucking faggot. Fuck you.
Your friend,
Fuck you.
--
-Copyright NENSLO KDV 1995-
Send One Dollar to box 86582 Portland OR 97286
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: oldbeans@aol.com (Old Beans)
Subject: Bonnie Raitt kills Dr. Legume.
Date: 13 Sep 1995 18:10:28 -0400
It was recently discovered in an autopsy that the real cause of Dr.
Legumes death was not a motorcycle accident. The cause of death was
actually exposure the fatal stench that was emanating from
singer/songwriter Bonnie Raitt's vagina. Bonnie Raitt apparently had an
obsession with Dr. Legume, and on that fatal evening she kidnapped him,
tied him to a chair in a motel room, taped his mouth shut, and spread open
in front of his face. Shortly after his death she took him and dumped him
on the side of the road near by with his motorcycle. She did this so that
it would appear to the authorities that he was killed in motorcycle
accident. She is now in the custody of police.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: nenslo@teleport.com (NENSLO)
Subject: Re: Bonnie Raitt kills Dr. Legume.
Date: 14 Sep 1995 19:46:15 -0700
I don't know about htis whole Legume - Rockstar connection, but I
was reading a 1952 edition of The Book of Popular Science published by
the Grolier Company and learned that "guar" is a resinous gum produced by
the "guar" plant... which is....
a legume.
COINCIDENCE??? HUH? HUH?
"I don't think so" - Lord Rayden
--
-Copyright NENSLO KDV 1995-
Send One Dollar to box 86582 Portland OR 97286
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Original file name: I'm GLAD he's dead
This file was converted with TextToHTML - (c) Logic n.v.