COPYCAT CULT OF DUMBASSES MISINTERPRETS DOBBS, JUMPS GUN!!

Now, seriously -- IF, at the X-Day Drill, we suggest that everyone LAY DOWN in a giant star pattern in the field, and put these CLOTHS over your heads and just, oh, take a NAP, don't worry, and don't get all excited if you hear strange noises. We might film another one of those funny fake "Bobbies execution scenes" for the 700 Club, like we did last year.

Their graphics are pretty good, though... Jesus and I spent as much time as we could, looking at their Higher Sources "commercial" website (the only one you could get to this morning; id McConville had grabbed all versions by this evening). And those purple robes they wear when they die. That's cool. And they had nifty patches on their "flight uniforms." Ya'll are gonna have to get crackin'. Luckily in OUR cult, you're expected to make and design your own flight suit, because we DON'T want to all look alike.

LUCIFERIAN LIBERATION FRONT -- YOU GUYS WERE RIGHT!!!

AND GUESS WHAT! I have had PRIOR ENCOUNTERS with this cult myself, so to speak. For one thing, about two years ago I TALKED A FRIEND OF MINE OUT OF JOINING THEM!! The guy had gone to one of their recruitment meetings in Dallas and was quite taken. He showed me their literature and I pointed out the TINY FLAWS in their BASIC LOGIC and also explained that this was nothing but old BO of Bo and Peep (a 70s thing, you wouldn't understand), back up to his old tricks. I hope that tonight my friend appreciates that HE NOW OWES ME TWO NUTS AND A LIFE!! (I'll take my pay in a 10% FROP tithe PER TESTICL!.)

AND... WE'VE ALREADY RIPPED OFF THE BEST THING ABOUT THEIR WEBSITE!!!

McConville had been looking at their html source code while mirroring their site, when he noticed this incredibly long list of "key search words": the names of EVERYTHING WEIRD, ALPHABETIZED. He was ranting at me about what a great keyword list it was and I REALIZED -- I HAD ALREADY STOLEN IT!! About a year ago when I was helping A.C.E. in Cleveland "get on the Internet" I was randomly following links -- something I rarely do, actually -- and found myself in a CLASSIC kook website that was unusually well crafted, technically. And well written bullshit, too! I remember telling Princess Wei R. Doe -- (D'OH! "DOE"! ANOTHER CLUE???!? What's THE QUEEN OF ALL THE UFOs' INVOLVEMENT IN THIS??) -- I told her, "Now THESE people, THESE people have the SECRET of the GREYS." And sure enough, then I found their keywords list and knew that THAT was the REAL secret, and... and I STOLE it for the main front index page of SubSITE. It's an invisible "meta" section -- you can't see it, but search engines can. WE'VE BEEN SIPHONING AWAY HALF OF THEIR POTENTIAL SUCKERS, BY USING THEIR PAINSTAKINGLY CREATED LURES!!

I also saved their RANTS and MANIFESTOs... and to tell the truth I can't for the life of me remember if I ever bothered to put any of it in SubSITE! I haven't even checked to see if we already had a link.

Their commercial web design site, HIGHER SOURCES (why do I keep wanting to write HIDDEN Sources??) is a FONT of inadvertent hilarity, with phrases like "The individuals in this group have worked closely together for 20 years" (yeah, in the same room, in 24 hour shifts)..."We try to stay positive in every circumstance." (Like mass suicide.) Their demo artwork is quite good and VERY revealing... AFTER THE FACT!

Another "weird-DOE" thing about it -- the HIGHER SOUCES site looks SUSPICIOUSLY SIMILAR to THE NEW A.C.E. WEBSITE!

When Jesus first heard the news on the radio -- mass suicide of a house full of cult members, all male, all dressed alike, working at computers in rows, a website full of aliens and saucers -- He had His fingers crossed that it was SubGeniuses. He was PRAYING to His Father (which believe me, He rarely does!) that when they lifted those purple shrouds, they'd find everyone was wearing Dobbshead t-shirts.

There's an email address in their website. I sent 'em a letter -- "Way to go, brothers! See ya on X-Day." Mainly as a "howdy" to the FBI I guess.

Certainly, death is tragic. And I certainly wouldn't make fun of these DUMBASSES if SOMEBODY ELSE had done it to them. But one must consider the "Good Riddance Factor." One would have to be a pretty spoiled, self-centered asshole to begin with, to feel so VASTLY SUPERIOR to everyone else, that he or she would even START to fall for this "YOU ARE A MISTREATED GOD" line of bullshit.

Uh... present company excluded, of course.

-- Rev. Ivan Stang

Date: Thu, 27 Mar 1997
From: Kyrtk@aol.com
To: i.stang@metronet.com
Subject: talk radio

Just wanted to give you a heads up about the call I made to Talk of the Nation today on NPR. It was the usual Religious Right Baiting so many of us love to pull. But I admitt, with the recent death of 39 cultist, it was in bad taste (and thus, irrestistible).

I told them I had seen all this on your Web site last year, before the comet was discovered, a prediction that a Comet would be found (before 1998) and named "Hail Bob". Then how amazed I was when they actually discovered "Hale Bopp". But the other part of the prediction was more sinister: That this comet would prove the Alien attackers were in route to enslave all the non-believers and they should kill themselves to escape the gruesome torture. And of course, this "Higher Source" was specifically mentioned in the prediction. But I didn't think anything about it until after I heard about the recent deaths. Another caller said the Subgenius was only a joke, and I responded that I had heard that too, but that I had also heard that the Joke part was just a gimmick to escape serious screening by the government.

Anyway, they laughed it off (fools that they are) but it was a fun plug for the web site and done totally deadpan and might have raised a few eye (uni-) brows. I'll send the tape in case you want to toss it in the show sometime.

That's the news. I didn't want you to be caught unawares if someone asked you about it. (If the Men in Black show up, I didn't do it!) Hope everything else is Archie!

Yours in Jughead,

papa joe

*****

SubGenius on NPR - in RealAudio

From: modemac@tiac.net (Modemac)
Date: Sat, 29 Mar 1997 07:06:57 GMT

The folks at RealAudio are kind enough to archive all of NPR's radio shows
at their home page. This means that you can hear their "Talk of the
Nation" segment on the suicides at:

http://www.realaudio.com/contentp/npr/ne7m27.html

The Church of the SubGenius is mentioned during the listener call-in
period. I got it on tape (it's RealAudio 2.0, very audible), and for those
who don't have RealAudio, I'm going to post .WAV files of the SubGenius
segments to alt.binaries.slack.

--
Reverend Modemac (modemac@tiac.net)
First Online Church of "Bob" "There is no black and white."

****
Some of my housemates from The Resort and I live in Berkeley now, at a new stronghold we call the ABATTOIR Today my housemate and I modified the front page... obviously YOU AND I know the TRUTH about comet "HAIL BOB". Please view the evidence at http://www.abattoir.com/
ps we made our image before even looking at what you'd posted about the comet, the mass suicide, etc.!! A coincidence?
I THINK NOT.

Tammy (picori@resort.com)
***

The A - Z of Cults

*******
JANOR'S NEW CULT JUMPS GUN!

Janor Hypercleats, aka "Father John R. Harperclotts", previously of The Temple of Yes and before that The Bleeding Head of Arnold Palmer Launcher's Society, vanished today after talking 39 people into both giving him a dollar and committing suicide.

The group members apparently provided the dollars and committed suicide in the belief a UFO, shielded behind a comet, would take them to heaven. Cult experts speculate that some cult members did not commit suicide willingly, but to escape the sound of Hypercleats's voice.

"We also were able to determine, based on their physical appearance and some of the characteristics of their bodies and liquid found at the scene, that they may have ingested drugs," Lt. Gerald Legume of the San Diego County Sheriff's Department told CNN. "They had little speakers chained around their necks and tapes of this man's voice were emitting loudly from them."

Milton Bevilacqua, a lawyer for the owner of the house, was quoted by local TV stations as saying it had been rented to a religious computer group led by a man called "Father John" and that its members, who did not drink alcohol or smoke and were celibate, believed they were sent to America as "angels."

In Washington, U.S. President Bill Clinton said he was shocked and sickened by the deaths.

"It's heartbreaking, sickening ... shocking," Clinton said when asked his reaction to the deaths. He claimed he did not know any more about the incident than he had seen in media reports.

The bodies were discovered by Beverly Hills computer expert Nick Mavrides received a packet from the group Tuesday night saying its members had committed suicide.

According to a letter and the videotape, he said, the cult members
believed "that they were going to be taken away by, as odd as this sounds, I'm just telling you what I heard, by a UFO, that a UFO would come by and pick them up."

He said he had met about 15 members of the cult, which designed computer Internet web pages, and they told him the UFO was hiding behind the Hale-Bopp comet as it neared Earth.

He said the pre-suicide videotapes showed the victims "were quite jovial and excited about moving on to this next stage, this stage without the voice of Father John R."

Back to NEWS UPDATESpage

Back to HOME PAGE ONE