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The Slack Fist of Retrieval |
art by Rev. Numen Remissionis
Welcome! You have chosen wisely!
In your wisdom, and now that we can take credit cards through a toll-free number, before proceeding further you will surely wish first to purchase spiritual insurance through our newly refined
OF GOODS AND SERVICES
(The nude photos are included only as a 'draw' and are not to be used for masturbatory purposes.)
ARE YOU ALREADY A SAVED SUBGENIUS, FULLY PREPARED TO PLUNGE ON INTO THE WEB PALACE OF DOBBS?
DARE you venture DEEPER, EVER DEEPER into
THE ONLINE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL?
Are you ready? Do you have what it takes? Do you have hundreds of hours of free time? Within are a few dozen holy books' worth of divine revelation, brought to you at great personal risk by The SubGenius Foundation and its millions of friends and agents. Go past this door, and you may never come out. We're warning you.
OPEN THE GATES OF PARADISE
Roll aside the stone, enter the Mouth of the DobbSpider and descend into the very Bowels of the Web!
or
DO YOU NEED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS, FIRST? Reality is fluid in this realm, so we offer you a CHOICE of official One True Explanations, all of them conflicting.
#1. Everything is explained in
SUBGENIUS PAMPHLET NUMBER 1
The NEW Web reprint of the classic that started it all!
OR TRY:
ETERNAL SALVATION
or Triple Your Money Back
Plunge into Dimension X! (Hint: Don't let the Devil distract you with his links! Read this Pamphlet first. THEN go back and try following the million and one links. HEH HEH HEH)
OR:
Alternate "Explanations" for the Church
Pity the poor devil who asks for a "FAQ" on slt.slack.
OR:
Thanks to modern Xistech, you can skip over everything else and save time and effort with
The E-Z Quick-Implant BrainWipe
-- the entire doctrine of the Church, all the books and radio shows, digitally compressed and Subliminimally Encoded, injected directly into your eye's retina and pumped straight to the brainpan.
YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO READ OR THINK AGAIN.
"Bob's" Slacktime Funhouse
Downloadable death-games, gimmicks, gizmos, screensavers, movies, viruses and other SubGenius-customized programs.
Grab your darlin' (or darlin's; ANY species allowed) and jump on that Temporary Hitchin' Wagon with your very own online, interactive
Short Duration Marriage!
Simply fill in the forms, hold hands, push the button and watch your own personalized ceremony and emailed marriage certificate come spewing back at you! Once you have that piece of paper in your hands, the two (or more) of you will be able to get away with anything, with TOTAL IMPUNITY!!
Are you AWARE how little time remains before THE RUPTURE on X-DAY?? (HINT: you'll need Java capability to see this, elsewise don't bother.)
IMPORTANT CHURCH NEWS and SHORTCUTS to the NEWLY-ADDED STUFF on THIS WEBSITE!
Don't miss out on this ever-updated HANDY FEATURE!
The Holy SubGenius Digest Slackmail Archives
Thousands of years ago, before even alt.slack had evolved, there lived on this earth a SubGenius bbs originating at M.I.T.'s Artificial Intelligence lab in Boston. These are the fossil remnants left by those long-extinct SubGeniuses.
REMEMBER:
The purest, most sublime Slack obtainable is that derived from simply avoiding THE CRAP THAT YOU HAVE TO DO. A good example of this is when you do laundry, but just leave everything in the dryer, picking it out as needed over the following week. In a way, that's exactly what you are doing now, at this web site. The longer you procrastinate by lollygagging here, the more Slack you will accrue. If you're accessing the Net at a flat rate, staying here longer effectively makes your per-hour rate decrease. GOING DEEPER AND DEEPER INTO DOBBS' PALACE SAVES YOU MONEY!
OUR CURRENT STATE OF UPHEAVAL IS NO CONCERN OF YOURS
This web palace will always be "under contruction," for ever, and ever, and ever. We appreciate your inconvenience, your suffering, your impatience and rage. "Live it, or live with it."
-- The Firesign Theater
We HATE to have to say this, but all of this crap only looks only REMOTELY as glamorous as it should unless you're using Netscape version 2.0 or later, or Microsoft Internet Explorer.
SO GET IT AND GET TO IT.
If you're on a slow modem or trapped inside America Online, and all this gorgeous artwork that you CAN'T SEE is driving you crazy, bear with it. 90 percent of the hundreds of articles, rants, news and reviews that lie beyond these opening pages are still devoid of art and will be E-Z-to-skim... for a little while longer, anyway. Enjoy your crappy equipment while you still can!
TECHNO-NOTES: We have gone to some lengths to make sure that this fairly tricky website works on both Netscape and Explorer. If something gives you trouble, please let us know! It also looks quite good with AOL's browser... INSIDE REV. STANG'S MACINTOSH, that is. AOL's wobbly connection to the rest of the Net cripples this site; you won't even know you're missing most of the art and all of the GIFmovies. We sympathize, but we cannot wait for AOL.
Printed on electrons hand-picked by monks from the atom fields of Dobbstown, Maylasia, using recycled brain cells and serotonin donated by the faithful.
Purchase price will be completely refunded without question should eternal
damnation result from the reading of this web site. Any similarity between
people and places in fiction and semifiction, and any real people or
places, is purely coincidental. All models are over 18 years old.
Beware of lame imitations. So-called "SubGenius" or "Dobbs Approved"
products by other manufacturers are not necessarily sanctioned by, nor
representative of, this, the only legally incorporated seat of Dobbs'
earthly kingdom and sole Called Bearers of The Covenant Trademark. Beware
of possible counterfeits or Prankster Versions of SubGenius
Foundation output. If your FISTfiles don't originate from sunsite.unc.edu, slack@subgenius.com or i.stang@subgenius.com, they may have been tampered with to make us look
even worse than we really are. But then, that may be true even if they DO
originate at i.stang@subgenius.com, slack@subgenius.com or sunsite.unc.edu.
THE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL: ONLINE
Address all correspondence, submissions, supplications, prayer requests and
donations to The SubGenius Foundation, Inc., PO Box 140306, Dallas, Texas,
USA 75214; e-mail slack@subgenius.com; fax 214-320-1561. We are
irresponsible with unsolicited contributions. If you have a question about our mail order service, email JESUS at slack@subgenius.com or fax Him at (214)324-0993. Or call toll free, 1-888-669-2323. DEALERS PLEASE INQUIRE FOR
BULK RATES. Subscribers must inform this office of any change of address;
failure to do so jeopardizes the subscriber's sole chance for
Transfiguration and planetary escape on July 5, 1998.
The essential SubGenius teachings are encapsulated in
THE BOOK OF THE
SUBGENIUS (ISBN number 0-671-63810-6) and in
REVELATION X -- THE
"BOB"APOCRYPHON (ISBN # 0-671-77006-3), Fireside Books trade paperbacks
published by Simon & Schuster. See the flipside of this Web site for
catalog of other Church products including audio and video tapes, wearing
apparel, and protective devices ("PRICELIST OF THE GODS").
THE STARK FIST is a product of the Church of the SubGenius official Dallas headquarters and public outreach arm, The SubGenius Foundation, Inc., and specifically of the First Orthodox Stangian MegaFisTemple Lodge of People's Covenant Church of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti, Resurrected, and of contributing True Apostles of the Dobbs of other denominations.
COPYRIGHT © 1995 by The SubGenius Foundation, Inc. All rights reserved. The Graven Image of "Bob" Dobbs' Face is a registered trademark of The SubGenius Foundation, Inc.
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