Disputation on the Power and Efficacy of Eternal Life Sales Commonly

Known as the 95 Theses

By St. Fathertom

*walks back out with his hammer and nails, and posts this on his door..*

From: fathertom <pukka@ynnmail.com>
Date: Fri, Jun 30, 2000

Out of love and concern for the truth, and with the object of
eliciting it, the following heads will be the subject of a public
discussion on IRC under the presidency of the reverend prophet,
Fathertom, Slackinian, Master of Slack and Sacred Theology, and duly
self appointed Lecturer on these subjects in that place. He requests
that whoever cannot be present personally to debate the matter orally
will do so in absence in writing.

1. When our Lord and Master, J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, said "Slack", He called
for the entire life of believers to be one of slackfullness.
2. The word cannot be properly understood as referring to the
sacrament of slack, i.e. the paying of money, as administered by the
clergy.
3. Yet its meaning is not restricted to slacking in one's heart; for
such penitence is null unless it produces outward signs of slack of
the flesh.
4. As long as pure slack abides (i.e. true inward laidbackness) the
penalty of slacklessness abides, viz., until we die.
5. The Church higher ups has neither the will nor the power to give
any slack beyond those of Subgenius knowledge.
6. The Church higher ups themselfs cannot remit slacklessness, but
only declare and confirm that it has been remitted by "Bob".
7. "Bob" never remits slacklessness to anyone without, at the same
time, making them humbly submissive to the Slack, His representative.
8. The force of Slack apply only to men who are still alive, and, can
never be felt by the weak of mind.
9. Accordingly, the Slack Spirit, acting in the person of the Church
higher ups, should manifests grace to us, by the fact that the Curch
regulations always cease to apply to the weak of mind.
10. It is a wrongful act, due to ignorance, when The Church hands out
Slack for the mentally dead.
11. When Salvation was changed and made to apply to the mentally dead,
surely it would seem that tares were sown while the Church was asleep.

12. In former days, the Salvation was given, after the true love of
Slack was shown; and were intended to be test of "Bob".
13. Mentally dead people put an end to all the claims of the Slack;
even the Backsliden Subgenius are already dead to slack, and are no
longer worthy of it.
14. Defective slack in a backsliden person is necessarily accompanied
by great remorce for the lessened slackthey have, which is greatest
where the slack is least.
15. This fear or horror is sufficient in itself, whatever else might
be said, to constitute the pain of lessened slack, since it approaches
very closely to the horror of despair of living a life with no slack
at all.
16. There seems to be the same difference between no slack, lessened
slack, and pure slack as between despair, uncertainty, and assurance.
17. Of a truth, the pains of lessened slack ought to be abated, and
the lust of slack ought to be proportionately increased.
18. Moreover, it does not seem proved, on any grounds of reason, that
these souls are outside the state of slack, or unable to grow in it's
grace.
19. Nor does it seem proved to be always the case that they are
certain and assured of salvation, even if we are very certain
ourselves, even with there 30 dollars.
20. Therefore the Church higher ups, in speaking of the plenary
Slavation, does not mean "all" in the strict sense, but only those
imposed by himself.
21. Hence those who preach Eternal Salvation for 30 dollars are in
error when they say that a Subgenius is absolved and saved from
slacklessness.
22. Indeed, he cannot remit to the mindless pinks any penalty which
"Bob" declares should be suffered in slacklessness.
23. If slack could aurbatrily be granted to anyone at all, it would be
only in the cases of the most perfect, i.e. to very few.
24. It must therefore be the case that the major part of the people
are deceived by that indiscriminate and high-sounding promise of
relief from slacklessness.
25. The same power as the Church higher ups exercises in general over
slack is exercised in particular by every single Reverand in his
flock.
26. The Church does excellently when it grants remission of Slack on
account of intercessions made on their behalf, and not by the power of
the keys (which he cannot exercise for them).
27. There is no Bobianan authority for preaching that the
slacklessness flies out of the body immediately the money clinks in
the bottom of the chest.
28. It is certainly possible that when the money clinks in the bottom
of the chest avarice and greed increase; but when the Church offers
intercession, all depends in the will of "Bob".
29. Who knows whether all Subgenius wish to be redeemed in view of
what is said of St. Bubba (Note:. The legend is that he was willing to
endure the pains of slacklessness for short times to gain good frop.).

30. No one is sure if the reality of his own contrition, much less of
receiving slack.
31. One who _bona fide_ buys Eternal Life is a rare as a _bona fide_
Subgenius, i.e. very rare indeed.
32. All those who believe themselves certain of their own salvation by
means of a payment of 30 dollars, will be eternally damned, together
with their teachers.
33. We should be most carefully on our guard against those who say
that the Church's "Salvation" are an inestimable divine gift, and that
a man is reconciled to "Bob" by them.
34. For the grace conveyed by this "Salvation" relates simply to the
penalties of Slacklessness decreed merely by man.
35. It is not in accordance with Subgenius doctrines to preach and
teach that those who buy off souls, or purchase confessional licences,
have no need to repent of their own slackless lifes and keep going on
as slackless con vampyres.
36. Any Subgenius whatsoever, who is truly Slackful, enjoys
plenary remission from penalty and guilt, and this is given him
without 30 dollar Eternal Salvation.
37. Any true Subgenius whatsoever, living or dead, participates in all
the benefits of "Bob" and the Church; and this participation is
granted to him by "Bob" without a cheap paper membership card.
38. Yet the Church's remission and dispensation are in no way to be
despised, form as already said, they proclaim the Bobianan remission.
39. It is very difficult, even for the most learned theologians, to
extol to the people the great bounty contained in the Salvation,
while, at the same time, praising contrition as a virtue.
40. A truly contrite slackless bastard seeks out, and loves to pay,
the penalties of his slacklessness; whereas the very multitude of dumb
ass con tend to hate the penalties of slacklessness.
41. Eternal Salvation should only be preached with caution, lest
people gain a wrong understanding, and think that they are preferable
to other good works: those of love.
42. Subgeni should be taught that the Church does not at all intend
that the purchase of Eternal Salvation should be understood as at all
comparable with the works of Slack.
43. Subgeni should be taught that one who sleep most of the day, or
Does what he needs to not any more, does a better action than if he
purchase Eternal Salvation.
44. Because, by love of slack, slack grows and a subgenii becomes a
better subgenii; whereas, by slacklessness, he does not become a
better subgenii, but only becomes a mere man.
45. Subgenii should be taught that he who is a slackless person, but
does nothing about it although he gives his 30 dollars, gains no
benefit from the Church's Salvation, but only incurs the wrath of
"Bob".
46. Subgenii should be taught that, unless they have less than they
need, they are bound not to steal other's slack, nor should they in
anyway squander it on crap.
47. Subgenii should be taught that they purchase Salvation
voluntarily, and are not under obligation to do so.
48. Subgenii should be taught that, in granting indulgences, the pope
has more need, and more desire, for devout prayer on his own behalf
than for ready money.
49. Subgenii should be taught that the pope's Curches Salvation is
useful only if one does not rely on it for slack, but most harmful if
one loses the fear of "Bob" through them.
50. Subgenii should be taught that, if the Church knew the exactions
of the Eternal Salvation for 30 dollars, They would rather the church
of "Bob" were reduced to ashes than be built with the skin, flesh, and
bones of the sheep.
51. Subgenii should be taught that the Church would be willing, as he
ought if necessity should arise, to sell the church of "Bob", and
give, too, his own money to many of those whom have lessened there
Slack by, the love of money and not Slack.
52. It is vain to rely on salvation by money, even if the commissary,
or indeed the Curch higher ups themselfs, were to pledge their own
soul for it's validity.
53. Those are enemies of "Bob" and the Church who forbid the word of
"Bob" to be preached at all in some churches, in order that Eternal
Salvation for 30 Dollars may be preached in their select few
54. The word of "Bob" suffers injury if, in the same sermon, an equal
or longer time is devoted to The buying of Slack than to that word.
55. The Church cannot help taking the view that if "Salvation" (very
small matters) are celebrated by one bell, one pageant, or one
ceremony, the words of "Bob" (a very great matter) should be preached
to the accompaniment of a hundred bells, a hundred processions, a
hundred ceremonies.
56. The treasures of the Church, out of which the Church higher ups
sell off as Slack is merly a temporal good feeling not true Slack.
57. Note, that these treasures are temporal and are not Slack as
these merchants of Slack would want you to Believe.
58. Nor are they the merits of "Bob" and the True Slack, because, even
apart from the Church, these merits are always working grace in the
inner Subgenii.
59. St. Pukka said that there were the treasures of the church, but
the Post Office lost them.
60. We do not speak rashly in saying that the treasures of the church,
but St. Pukka seemed to have a problem with them.
61. For it is clear that the power of the Church suffices, by itself,
has no real power, but through the Glory of Slack.
62. The true treasure of The Church is the Holy gospel of the glory of
"Bob" and the grace of "Bob". Not the right to live eternaly.
63. It is right to regard this treasure as most odious, for it makes
the first to be the last.
64. On the other hand, the treasure of Eternal Salvation is most
acceptable, for it makes the last to be the first.
65. Therefore the treasures of the word of "Bob" are nets which, in
former times, they used to fish for Subgenii's wealth.
66. The treasures of Eternal Salvation are the nets to-day which they
use to fish for Subgenii's wealth.
67. The eternal salvation, which the merchants of Slack extol as the
greatest of favours, are seen to be, in fact, a favourite means for
money-getting..
68. Nevertheless, they are not to be compared with the grace of "Bob"
and compassion that will be shown on XXX-Day .
69. Saints and Reverands, in duty bound, must receive the commissaries
of the Churches Salvation with all reverence;
70. But they are under a much greater obligation to watch closely and
attend carefully lest these men preach their own fancies instead of
what the Slack moves them to preach.
71. Let him be anathema and accursed who denies the apostolic
character of a Slack filled Reverand.
72. On the other hand, let him be blessed who is on his guard against
the slacklessnessness and licence of the "Salvation"-merchant's words.

73. In the same way, the Church rightly excommunicates those who make
any plans to the detriment of the Slack of others.
74. It is much more in keeping with his views to excommunicate those
who use the pretext of Eternal Salvation to plot anything to the
detriment of the pure love and truth of Slack.
75. It is foolish to think that price of Eternal Salvation has so much
power that it can absolve a Pink, con, or man.
76. We assert the contrary, and say that the Eternal Salvation are not
able to remove the least venial of Slacklessness as far as anything is
conserned.
77. When it is said that not even "Bob" himself , if he were still
alive now, could grant a greater grace, it is blasphemy against "Bob"
and the Church.
78. We assert the contrary, and say that he, and any church member
whosoever, possesses greater graces, viz., the gospel, spiritual
powers, gifts of healing, etc., as is declared by a bar drunk in 1957.
79. It is blasphemy to say that the pipe of "Bob" is of equal value to
the spreading of slack to the masses and that his pipe is owned by
anyone but "Bob".
80. The bishops, curates, and Bobologians, who permit assertions of
that kind to be made to the people without let or hindrance, will have
to answer for it.
81. This unbridled preaching of "Salvation" for money makes it
difficult for learned men to guard the respect due to the Church
against false accusations, or at least from the keen criticisms of the
laity;
82. They ask, e.g.: Why does not the Church liberate everyone from
death for the sake of lslack (a most holy thing) and because of the
supreme necessity of their souls? This would be morally the best of
all reasons. Meanwhile he redeems innumerable souls for money, a most
perishable thing, with which to build "Bob"'s church, a very minor
purpose.
83. Again: Why should the hate of Slackfull people continue when the
curch alows, the con to infultrate it for money, while the rightious
go punished.
84. Again: Surely this is a new sort of compassion, on the part of
"Bob" and the Church, when an impious man, an enemy of "Bob", is
allowed to pay money to redeem a soul, a enemy of Slack; while yet
that devout and beloved soul is not allowed to worship, for slack's
sake, and just because of its need to conform to the non-conformists.
85. Again: Why are the Church higher ups so conserned with who owns
"Bob" pipe and who owns "Slack" and not more conserned with slack.
86. Again: since Church's income to-day from true believers is larger
than that of the wealthiest of wealthy men, why does he not build this
one church of "Bob" with his own money, rather than with the money of
indigent believers?
87. Again: What does the Church, speak ill against people who have
never asked for a dollar for them self, but all of there money and
others to go to "Bob"?
88. Again: Surely a greater good could be done to the church if the
Church were to bestow these moneys on the poor Slacker, so then there
life could more center on slack, then nessary anti-slack.
89. What the Church seeks by Eternal Salvation is not money, but
rather the salvation of souls and the promotion of Slack; why then
does it not just give it free to the truely slack full.
90. These questions are serious matters of conscience to the laity. To
suppress them by force alone, and not to refute them by giving
reasons, is to expose the church and the Subgenii to the ridicule of
their enemies, and to make Subgenii a slack lessened people.
91. If therefore, Slack and Slavation were preached in accordance with
the spirit and mind of the "Bob", all these difficulties would be
easily overcome, and indeed, cease to exist.
92. Away, then, with those prophets who say to "Bob"'s people, "Peace,
peace," where in there is no peace.
93. Hail, hail to all those prophets who say to "Bob"'s people,
"Slack, Slack," where there is no Slack.
94. Subgenii should be exhorted to be zealous to follow "Bob", their
Head, through penalties, deaths, and hells;
95. And let them thus be more confident of entering the Pleasure Ships
through many tribulations rather than through a false assurance of
money.

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